Salacious
by Satina and Shannon
Date: Well, I think we released a rough version in 2005, but this is a final draft. 1/08.
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: M/K
Disclaimers: These characters aren't mine. More's the pity.
Archive: Sure.
Summary: This takes place after the Cancer Man subjects Mulder to nonconsensual brain surgery to steal his telepathic abilities. Krycek emails Mulder at his cybering address to share intel.
Notes: This story is told entirely through email.
Feedback: God yes. We really need it on this one. It was not easy. Pretty please send it HERE.
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: How's your head?
I'd come check on you myself, but I'm not in town. I thought you'd want to know that they didn't get what they wanted from you. I have something they want, too. Something you might have an interest in.
This email is untraceable.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: I like the new hole.
I usually like a little foreplay on this address, but in your case I'll make an exception. What do you have and where are you?
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Where am I?
So you can come kick my ass and steal it?
New rules, Mulder. You have to actually listen to me first. Without your gun on you this time. Think you can handle it? I know I can make it worth your time. Even without the heavy petting.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Killjoy
So what do you want? A meeting?
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Killjoy
Where I am, Mulder, it would take you about fourteen hours and three flights to get to. So no. No meeting yet. I just want a little chat for now. I'll start.
I've got the artifacts.
Still need foreplay?
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Foreplay
Slam it home.
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Business
Whatever you say, Mulder.
I've been doing my research over here. So far nobody's figured out where I am, but I'm sure my face is up at the post offices and libraries in D.C. among other lovely, Consortium-infested American cities.
I find it easier to be self-employed over here across the Atlantic. Not as many people trying to kill me where I'm at.
Anyway. The artifacts. I don't suppose I need to tell you that this is all confidential. If you breathe a word of this to anyone, including talking to yourself in the mirror, I'll have you hunted down and your balls removed. No more foreplay OR slamming it home for Agent Mulder. Got it?
That said... I pretty much trust you. I know you didn't even tell Scully who gave you the intel about Wiekamp, so I'm not exactly sweating your cooperation on this.
Now. Tell me what you know about the artifacts and I'll tell you what you don't know.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Talk dirty to me.
>>>Whatever you say, Mulder.
I've waited a long time to hear you say that, Krycek.
>>>I find it easier to be self-employed over here across the Atlantic. Not as many people trying to kill me where I'm at.
They're a little behind on the popular trends sometimes.
>>>Anyway. The artifacts. I don't suppose I need to tell you that this is all confidential. If you breathe a word of this to anyone, including talking to yourself in the mirror, I'll have you hunted down and your balls removed. No more foreplay OR slamming it home for Agent Mulder. Got it?
You're so cute when you're threatening to mutilate me.
>>>That said... I pretty much trust you. I know you didn't even tell Scully who gave you the intel about Wiekamp, so I'm not exactly sweating your cooperation on this.
I'm not the blushing innocent I used to be, Krycek, eager for my yearly reaming from you. This had better be worth my time.
>>>Now. Tell me what you know about the artifacts and I'll tell you what you don't know.
You'll show me yours if I show you mine?
They appear to be of extraterrestrial origin, from a salvaged space craft of some kind. The markings are a combination of scientific data, ancient mysteries, and religious teachings from every known cabal. The pieces appear to fit together to form some kind of whole, and as the pieces are brought together, their power intensifies, resulting in various paranormal occurences, such as insect swarms, the artifacts travelling through the air or spinning under their own volition, even the possible resurrection of the dead, although there is no hard evidence to substantiate these claims, only anecdotal accounts.
Personally speaking, just a rubbing of one artifact was enough to activate something in my brain that made me ultra-receptive to telepathic and clairsentient data. To the point where I could no longer function and had to be institutionalized because I was a danger to myself and others. Administration of an experimental drug ameliorated the effect temporarily, allowing me control over my cognitive functions once again.
I recently underwent unsanctioned, nonconsensual brain surgery at the hands of your ex-employers, and testing shows that a small section of my brain is missing from the parietal region. So far, I have not had any neurological difficulties as a result of this impromptu lobotomy, but I haven't been able to judge my current response to the artifacts since they are nowhere to be found. The headaches sometimes bring auditory and olfactory hallucinations with them, which are only partially controlled by the heavy narcotics they'd like me to be taking during my six-week psychiatric leave.
Was it as good for you as it was for me?
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Showing Mine
What nobody knows is something that can't *be* known until all three pieces are together. I figure that's the reason *you* don't even know from all the mind reading you've been doing. It just wasn't there to be picked up from anyone. That buys us some time.
As you know, each piece contains different texts or mythologies or scientific truths. Separate, they're shocking enough. Wait until you see them together, Mulder.
They're deeply coded. They're not just tablets with powers that mysteriously spout scriptures at you like the ghost of your old Baptist preacher. When all three pieces fuse, their surface changes...reworks itself into a whole new, previously unseen narrative.
I think I've successfully decoded a lot of the new message. And I think you're gonna wanna hear what it has to say.
First of all, it foretells the coming of a Chosen One. Not unlike Jesus, or Buddha, or the others from various religions that each separate piece has written on it. This Chosen One it talks about is here now. He's human. It speaks of changes in his DNA occuring at a designated time and with the emergence of certain events. He will go from having two strands of DNA to possessing twelve. After this evolution, he'll come into his powers which are great and include the ability to heal with his touch, sight, or even thought.
I believe this Chosen One is you, Mulder.
Care to hear more?
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Should I change my name to JCSuperstar@hotmail.com?
I'm not cheap but I can be had.
Seriously, Krycek. Why do you think it's me?
And what do you want? Really.
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Seriously
>>>Why do you think it's me?
The fused tablet says something about the chosen being male, approximately 38 years old from what I can tell. It purports that this man was born under the sign of Libra but that he has many planets in Aquarius as well as sun in Aquarius and Moon in Leo.
It also states that the man will already be on the quest. That he will have lost a sibling to the stars and will look to them for answers. It speaks of others belittling his work and his belief being stolen and then returned.
There are parts of it I can't decipher and I was hoping they'd make more sense to you. I'd like to show you in person, but I don't think it's safe enough yet for me to resurface or for you to try to find me and put us both at risk as well as the artifacts.
Although, if the artifacts are right, we may have no cause to worry.
The reason I say that is... I think I'm in the prophecy, too. It speaks of a Judas returned or ascended. I'm not sure of the exact wording. It says this person betrayed the chosen. But it also predicts that this same person will be the one to give over the codes to the chosen and therefore activate his gifts.
It's why I emailed you in the first place.
>>>And what do you want? Really.
If what this says is true, I'm not sure I even have a choice.
I'd like to get out of this shithole sometime before the asbestos kills me. That or the music they play downstairs every Friday night until two. I'm about to shoot up the joint through my floor if I hear any more butchered Tom Jones. I didn't like the son of a bitch to begin with.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Seriously Weird
>>>It purports that this man was born under the sign of Libra but that he has many planets in Aquarius as well as sun in Aquarius and Moon in Leo.
You've been peeking at my birthchart. I feel so naked.
What or how many planets so I can corroborate.
>>>It also states that the man will already be on the quest. That he will have lost a sibling to the stars and will look to them for answers. It speaks of others belittling his work and his belief being stolen and then returned.
Does it tell you where I put my 1992 World Series beer stein? Or the keys I lost four months ago? Or how about that green and purple Marvin the Martian tie? That was one of my favorites.
>>>There are parts of it I can't decipher and I was hoping they'd make more sense to you. I'd like to show you in person, but I don't think it's safe enough yet for me to resurface or for you to try to find me and put us both at risk as well as the artifacts.
If what you're saying is true, or even if it's complete bullshit but someone else *thinks* it's true, you're right. I'd either be marked for acquisition or for death, depending on the agency involved. You've sworn me to secrecy. I assume we're the only ones who know about this? About my possible part in it?
>>>Although, if the artifacts are right, we may have no cause to worry.
There's always cause to worry. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that, what with your ball-removal threats and all.
>>>The reason I say that is... I think I'm in the prophecy, too. It speaks of a Judas returned or ascended. I'm not sure of the exact wording. It says this person betrayed the chosen. But it also predicts that this same person will be the one to give over the codes to the chosen and therefore activate his gifts.
I'll be damned. Or is that blessed? You're deranged if you think you're the only person who's ever betrayed me and then come back for more. My dearly beloved Diana fucked me over good, then provided the "codes" for the door that allowed Scully to get me away from the surgeons. She's dead because of it. How do you know it's not speaking of her, if indeed it's even speaking of me at all? Does it say what sign my returned betrayer is? Diana was a Leo.
What's your sign, Krycek?
>>>>>>And what do you want? Really.
>>>If what this says is true, I'm not sure I even have a choice.
You don't strike me as the type to just bend over and take it.
>>>I'd like to get out of this shithole sometime before the asbestos kills me. That or the music they play downstairs every Friday night until two. I'm about to shoot up the joint through my floor if I hear any more butchered Tom Jones. I didn't like the son of a bitch to begin with.
If you send me a rubbing of the fused pieces, maybe I'll be nice and Fed-Ex you a Yanni CD to help you relax.
So what does the 'prophecy' say I'm going to do if you give me the artifacts, anyway? What happens next?
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Naked
>>>You've been peeking at my birthchart. I feel so naked.
I've seen you in a Speedo. There wasn't much more to reveal.
>>>What or how many planets so I can corroborate.
Jupiter, Saturn, and Mars.
>>>You've sworn me to secrecy. I assume we're the only ones who know about this? About my possible part in it?
Absolutely. Our smoking friend most certainly doesn't know or he would have realized that removing part of your brain tissue wouldn't make a shit worth of difference in the long run. And to my knowledge, he's no more psychic now than he ever was.
>>>My dearly beloved Diana fucked me over good, then provided the "codes" for the door that allowed Scully to get me away from the surgeons. She's dead because of it. How do you know it's not speaking of her, if indeed it's even speaking of me at all?
Who do you think gave Diana those codes anyway?
>>>Does it say what sign my returned betrayer is? Diana was a Leo.
It doesn't mention astrology as it does with the Chosen One. But it does cite some old Native American writings. Something about some souls being "two-spirited." And it labels the betrayer as such. Do you know what it means, Mulder?
>>>What's your sign, Krycek?
Not that it matters, but I'm a Sagittarius.
>>>You don't strike me as the type to just bend over and take it.
I'm too busy keeping my back to the wall.
>>>If you send me a rubbing of the fused pieces, maybe I'll be nice and Fed- Ex you a Yanni CD to help you relax.
I'll send you a *section* of the rubbings, Mulder. No fucking way I'm throwing down my four aces when there's so little cash in the pot.
And if you send me Yanni this whole game of show and tell is off.
>>>So what does the 'prophecy' say I'm going to do if you give me the artifacts, anyway? What happens next?
First things first. I'm sending a scan of the rubbing. You let me know if it makes you wanna check yourself back into the psych ward. And we'll talk.
A
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: This isn't funny.
Are you there? If this is a joke, I'm not laughing.
A
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Where are you?
Mulder, I know you have one fucked-up sense of humor, but please tell me you're not yanking my chain. This is serious. If I don't hear back from you by tomorrow, I'm going to have to start taking some dangerous risks. Dangerous for both of us.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: No joke
Scully found me collapsed on the floor with the rubbing on my computer screen. I've been under observation in the hospital for the last three days. Suffice to say, Scully did not agree to my requests for a laptop, and I refused to tell her where I'd gotten the graphic of the rubbing. I've also convinced her not to say anything to anyone about why I had my relapse. She used her medical clout to attribute it to the surgery. We're barely on speaking terms, but I'm home now.
So. I guess we've got our answer there.
>>>>>>You've been peeking at my birthchart. I feel so naked.
>>>I've seen you in a Speedo. There wasn't much more to reveal.
Are you maligning the size of the Chosen One's package? I may have to smite you.
>>>>>>What or how many planets so I can corroborate.
>>>Jupiter, Saturn, and Mars.
That's a match.
>>>Who do you think gave Diana those codes anyway?
What is this, some kind of kinky threesome?
>>>It doesn't mention astrology as it does with the Chosen One. But it does cite some old Native American writings. Something about some souls being "two-spirited." And it labels the betrayer as such. Do you know what it means, Mulder?
It means I probably need to back off on the sexual innuendo I use to diffuse tension before you get the wrong idea. And I'll definitely need to give thought to that kiss you gave me.
What side do you butter your bread on, Krycek? What team do you play for? Have you ever had an uncontrollable urge to eat brie and redecorate your bolthole in chintz? Do you have an inordinately large collection of Barbra Streisand memorabilia?
How many times have you seen Cabaret?
>>>And if you send me Yanni this whole game of show and tell is off.
Maybe some nice techno? A little Judy Garland? Or maybe a remix of The Weathergirls' "It's Raining Men".
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: No joke
>>>Scully found me collapsed on the floor with the rubbing on my computer screen. I've been under observation in the hospital for the last three days.
Mulder, I wouldn't have sent it if I truly believed that would happen to you again.
How are these prophecies going to come to pass if you can't even be in the same room with them? There's either something very wrong or there's something I'm missing.
>>>Suffice to say, Scully did not agree to my requests for a laptop, and I refused to tell her where I'd gotten the graphic of the rubbing. I've also convinced her not to say anything to anyone about why I had my relapse. She used her medical clout to attribute it to the surgery. We're barely on speaking terms, but I'm home now.
I'm sorry this put you on the outs with Scully. It's not good for her to be suspicious. Do you think she's gonna be keeping her eye on you more or is the not speaking thing actually going to work in our favor so that she stays out of the way and doesn't put herself, you, or me at risk?
>>>So. I guess we've got our answer there.
There has to be a way around it.
>>>Are you maligning the size of the Chosen One's package?
What did I say to give you that idea?
>>>I may have to smite you.
This is going to your head already.
>>>It means I probably need to back off on the sexual innuendo I use to diffuse tension before you get the wrong idea. And I'll definitely need to give thought to that kiss you gave me.
You mean to tell me you haven't yet?
Don't bother, Mulder. It was a whim. I just felt like shaking you up some. I got it out of my system. Won't happen again, don't worry your pretty, heterosexual head over it.
>>>What side do you butter your bread on, Krycek?
The warm side.
>>>What team do you play for?
The winning one.
>>>Have you ever had an uncontrollable urge to eat brie and redecorate your bolthole in chintz? Do you have an inordinately large collection of Barbra Streisand memorabilia?
>>>How many times have you seen Cabaret?
What *exactly* do you wanna know, Mulder? If I do them both? Which I prefer? My favorite positions?
Or maybe what you really wanna know is if I wanted *you* while we were partners.
I'm not here to jerk your ego off with confessions of lust. I'm here to get your help and maybe help you. We both know how much you hate me, so you don't have to worry that I'll think you're falling in love with me if you crack a gay joke. I just want you to know that if you wanna play slap and tickle over email, I'm not your man. I'm not so much of a masochist to get my kicks cybering with guys who'd rather see me dead than look at me.
I won't be back on-line until tomorrow, so don't expect any more replies back tonight.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: A little too spirited
>>>Mulder, I wouldn't have sent it if I truly believed that would happen to you again.
Why not? We're going to be taking all kinds of risks. I was actually hoping for confirmation that the artifacts still affected me. It means you're right and those butchers didn't ruin everything.
>>>How are these prophecies going to come to pass if you can't even be in the same room with them? There's either something very wrong or there's something I'm missing.
Well, we already know that the effect of the artifacts changes when you fuse them together, right? It becomes more powerful, according to Scully's own research, but maybe it changes in other, more fundamental ways as well, and thus would affect me in different ways, too, if I were exposed to the whole tablet at once as opposed to just a partial rubbing. And/or maybe I just have to stick it out through the hard part, like labor, and if I make it through, I'll come out transformed somehow.
I think we're going to have to find a way for me to be exposed to the entire fused tablet under some kind of supervision. I'll need someone to take care of me in case my second theory is correct and I end up being unable to care for myself. I can tell you right now, Scully is out of the question.
>>>I'm sorry this put you on the outs with Scully. It's not good for her to be suspicious.
She's not suspicious so much as pissed. She thinks I somehow stole evidence during the investigation and that I'm now taking stupid and unneccesary risks in 'playing' with it to 'see how badly it scrambles my brains.' So, no, she's not a problem. But she's definitely no ally, either, as I said before.
>>>There has to be a way around it.
I think the only way is straight through it.
>>>>>>Are you maligning the size of the Chosen One's package?
>>>What did I say to give you that idea?
"There wasn't much more to reveal." I take offense to the insinuations there, Krycek. How do you how much I've got packed into my Speedo?
Don't get so snippy. I don't mean anything by the humor. It's just my way of dealing with a completely unreal, and honestly, terrifying situation.
>>>>>>I may have to smite you.
>>>This is going to your head already.
Since you want me to be serious here, no, it really isn't. You remember what happened to the last Messiah. Do you really think mankind has come that far since?
>>>>>>It means I probably need to back off on the sexual innuendo I use to diffuse tension before you get the wrong idea. And I'll definitely need to give thought to that kiss you gave me.
>>>You mean to tell me you haven't yet?
I lost a little sleep over it, yeah. Mission accomplished, I'm sure.
>>>Don't bother, Mulder. It was a whim. I just felt like shaking you up some. I got it out of my system. Won't happen again, don't worry your pretty, heterosexual head over it.
Yeah, just more Mulder-mind-fuckery. America's...no, Earth's...no, probably the whole fucking UNIVERSE'S favorite fucking sport. No problem, Krycek. It's no more or less than I expect.
>>>What *exactly* do you wanna know, Mulder? If I do them both? Which I prefer? My favorite positions?
>>>Or maybe what you really wanna know is if I wanted *you* while we were partners.
WHOA. Okay, back up, Junior. Jesus. Two-spirited is an ancient Native American description of a person who has the energy of both the masculine and the feminine in strongly balanced portions. It refers to homosexuality. I wasn't trying to get personal or to piss you off.
Well, that's not true. I was trying to 'shake you up some'. What, you get to play and I don't?
Anyway, the fact that you fuck guys makes no difference to me. You're still the same backstabbing, murderous, doublecrossing triple-agent asshole to me. And if it's true, then we've got another match as far as the prophecy goes. Yay.
>>>I'm not here to jerk your ego off with confessions of lust.
Well boo-fucking-hoo. What the hell do you think I get in the rest of this inbox, anyway? Rumball recipes? I'm covered, thanks.
>>>I'm here to get your help and maybe help you.
What do you think I am, Krycek, stupid? You're here to get part of the action if indeed it turns out that this tablet makes me into some sort of superhuman. It doesn't serve you to kill me, so you're obviously hoping to somehow play my new 'powers' to your advantage. For that reason, and really for no other, I can trust you to a certain extent and I'm willing to work with you on this. For now.
>>>We both know how much you hate me, so you don't have to worry that I'll think you're falling in love with me if you crack a gay joke.
My jokes have nothing to do with love, but you seem to be awfully uncomfortable all the same. A little latent self-hating homophobia? Or is it just me you hate and not yourself?
>>>I just want you to know that if you wanna play slap and tickle over email, I'm not your man. I'm not so much of a masochist to get my kicks cybering with guys who'd rather see me dead than look at me.
I think I've made it clear that I have plenty of outlets for my lustful ego-stroking, and my God, Krycek, if you think that's how I cyber, you're more repressed than I thought.
Do yourself a favor and get laid.
>>>I won't be back on-line until tomorrow, so don't expect any more replies back tonight.
So did you bottom or top?
Oops, that's more of that innappropriate humor that pisses you off, isn't it? Too bad I've got something you want even more than you want to kill me right now.
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Illusions
>>>I think we're going to have to find a way for me to be exposed to the entire fused tablet under some kind of supervision.
I floated some false information about my possible whereabouts. We'll see how Smoky reacts. I may be able to set something up. Give me a little time.
>>>>>>There has to be a way around it.
>>>I think the only way is straight through it.
It's your brain.
>>>"There wasn't much more to reveal." I take offense to the insinuations there, Krycek. How do you how much I've got packed into my Speedo?
How can anyone *not* know, Mulder? True, it *was* cold water...
>>>Don't get so snippy. I don't mean anything by the humor. It's just my way of dealing with a completely unreal, and honestly, terrifying situation.
Well, maybe if we figure out a little more of what this really means, it won't be quite so terrifying. I know terror. I guess we just deal with it differently.
>>>You remember what happened to the last Messiah. Do you really think mankind has come that far since?
You know my opinion of society is a hundred times more negative than yours, Mulder. But Jesus Christ also wasn't an FBI Agent packing a Sig Sauer. And I have a vested interest in keeping you safe as well. History won't repeat itself.
>>>>>>Don't bother, Mulder. It was a whim. I just felt like shaking you up some. I got it out of my system. Won't happen again, don't worry your pretty, heterosexual head over it.
>>>Yeah, just more Mulder-mind-fuckery. America's...no, Earth's...no, probably the whole fucking UNIVERSE'S favorite fucking sport. No problem, Krycek. It's no more or less than I expect.
It wasn't just to fuck with you. We're brothers in this. And you had your head up your ass. Nothing like a little inappropriate physical contact to jolt you out of your illusions. It was for your own good.
>>> Two-spirited is an ancient Native American description of a person who has the energy of both the masculine and the feminine in strongly balanced portions. It refers to homosexuality. I wasn't trying to get personal or to piss you off.
>>>Well, that's not true. I was trying to 'shake you up some'. What, you get to play and I don't?
Fine. You're right. Open season. No rules. I've always preferred that in my emnities. Shake all you want.
I LOVE brie, I hate Judy Garland, and I dressed up like Annie Oakley for Halloween when I was nine years old.
Now tell me... Isn't felching drinking your own cum out of somebody's ass after you fuck them? Do that often, Mulder, or is that strictly a cybering technique you like to engage in? Seems to be a real hit with...Patrick was it?
>>>Anyway, the fact that you fuck guys makes no difference to me. You're still the same backstabbing, murderous, doublecrossing triple-agent asshole to me. And if it's true, then we've got another match as far as the prophecy goes. Yay.
It's true. And if you really thought I was just 'the same backstabbing, murderous, doublecrossing triple-agent asshole' then I don't think we'd even be talking. Would we? Or are *you* the masochist?
>>>>>>I'm not here to jerk your ego off with confessions of lust.
>>>Well boo-fucking-hoo. What the hell do you think I get in the rest of this inbox, anyway? Rumball recipes? I'm covered, thanks.
Good to hear. I'd hate to think you'd have to leave the comfort of your desk chair to get laid for real.
>>>>>>I'm here to get your help and maybe help you.
>>>What do you think I am, Krycek, stupid?
There's a certain stupidity in your stubbornness, but on the whole I'd say you've got a good head on your shoulders. So no. I don't think you're stupid, Mulder.
>>>You're here to get part of the action if indeed it turns out that this tablet makes me into some sort of superhuman. It doesn't serve you to kill me, so you're obviously hoping to somehow play my new 'powers' to your advantage. For that reason, and really for no other, I can trust you to a certain extent and I'm willing to work with you on this. For now.
Just so long as we're clear.
>>>My jokes have nothing to do with love, but you seem to be awfully uncomfortable all the same. A little latent self-hating homophobia? Or is it just me you hate and not yourself?
You're not my psychotherapist, Fox. I don't hate myself and I don't hate you, contrary to popular belief. I'm not the one who goes neanderthal ape-shit when I see you. Have I hit you once?
Just don't play games, Mulder. Don't send over a winking smiley face just because it's email when what you'd really do if we were in the same room is beat the shit out of me and be done with it.
>>>and my God, Krycek, if you think that's how I cyber, you're more repressed than I thought.
I've become MUCH more enlightened as to how exactly you cyber, Mulder. Consider me infinitely more informed.
>>>Do yourself a favor and get laid.
Good advice coming from you.
>>>So did you bottom or top?
>>>Oops, that's more of that innappropriate humor that pisses you off, isn't it? Too bad I've got something you want even more than you want to kill me right now.
I don't want to kill you, Mulder. Like you said, I'm invested in this little Messiah thing you've got going for you. And I'm actually feeling kind of generous, so what the hell.
I topped the shit out of him.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Getting virtually real
>>>I floated some false information about my possible whereabouts. We'll see how Smoky reacts. I may be able to set something up. Give me a little time.
Got nothin' but. Six weeks psych. leave...one down, five to go.
>>>It's your brain.
Sometimes ya just gotta say, what the fuck.
>>>>>>"There wasn't much more to reveal." I take offense to the insinuations there, Krycek. How do you how much I've got packed into my Speedo?
>>>How can anyone *not* know, Mulder? True, it *was* cold water...
Just so we're clear.
>>>Well, maybe if we figure out a little more of what this really means, it won't be quite so terrifying. I know terror. I guess we just deal with it differently.
Like that's news. What do we not?
>>>You know my opinion of society is a hundred times more negative than yours, Mulder. But Jesus Christ also wasn't an FBI Agent packing a Sig Sauer.
They sliced out part of my Goddamned brain. I'm not exactly sacrosanct just because I'm packin'.
>>>And I have a vested interest in keeping you safe as well. History won't repeat itself.
Well, gotta admit, feels better having you at my back rather than sneaking around behind it.
>>>It wasn't just to fuck with you. We're brothers in this. And you had your head up your ass. Nothing like a little inappropriate physical contact to jolt you out of your illusions. It was for your own good.
And it worked. Is this where I thank you?
>>>I LOVE brie, I hate Judy Garland, and I dressed up like Annie Oakley for Halloween when I was nine years old.
I just got very turned on.
>>>Now tell me... Isn't felching drinking your own cum out of somebody's ass after you fuck them? Do that often, Mulder, or is that strictly a cybering technique you like to engage in? Seems to be a real hit with...Patrick was it?
That's nothing compared with what Andre4262 likes to do to me. Who needs a sex life when you have the 'net?
>>>It's true. And if you really thought I was just 'the same backstabbing, murderous, doublecrossing triple-agent asshole' then I don't think we'd even be talking. Would we? Or are *you* the masochist?
Am I supposed to believe you've changed just because Fate has thrown us together in some pre-destined battle for the planet? I'm not a masochist, I just don't run away from the important things. Even when I know damn good and well they're gonna hurt like hell.
>>>I'd hate to think you'd have to leave the comfort of your desk chair to get laid for real.
Some pain's not worth it. Like I said, I'm no masochist, except online and anonymously.
>>>>>>You're here to get part of the action if indeed it turns out that this tablet makes me into some sort of superhuman. It doesn't serve you to kill me, so you're obviously hoping to somehow play my new 'powers' to your advantage. For that reason, and really for no other, I can trust you to a certain extent and I'm willing to work with you on this. For now.
>>>Just so long as we're clear.
Crystal.
>>>You're not my psychotherapist, Fox. I don't hate myself and I don't hate you, contrary to popular belief. I'm not the one who goes neanderthal ape- shit when I see you. Have I hit you once?
I think you got a few in outside of my apartment after you killed my father. And you did run me headfirst into my deskchair and hold my own gun on me. Not that I'm keeping score. And if I was, yeah I've hit you a lot. Do you think I've taken as much from you as you've taken from me? I think there's a reason you don't fight back, and I'm pretty sure we both know what it is.
>>>Just don't play games, Mulder. Don't send over a winking smiley face just because it's email when what you'd really do if we were in the same room is beat the shit out of me and be done with it.
I've never beat the shit out of you, Krycek. I have smacked you around. A lot. It's getting kind of old, though, so if you agree not to sell me out, I'll agree to control my urge to make your mouth bleed.
Deal?
And I've never sent over a winking smiley face, either.
>>>>>>and my God, Krycek, if you think that's how I cyber, you're more repressed than I thought.
>>>I've become MUCH more enlightened as to how exactly you cyber, Mulder. Consider me infinitely more informed.
Guess I asked for that one. ;-)
>>>>>>Do yourself a favor and get laid.
>>>Good advice coming from you.
Hey, I'm not the one getting all in a snit over a little naughty language and off-color humor. I may not have seen any actual ass in several years, but sexual release isn't a problem for me, and sexual frustration isn't making me a tense, oversensitive brat.
>>>I don't want to kill you, Mulder. Like you said, I'm invested in this little Messiah thing you've got going for you. And I'm actually feeling kind of generous, so what the hell.
>>>I topped the shit out of him.
Yeah, but did you felch him afterward? ;-)
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Actual Ass
>>>>>>Give me a little time.
>>>Got nothin' but. Six weeks psych. leave...one down, five to go.
He bit and sent a goon to find me. Which means I know where he is and he doesn't know where I am. But he still wants to know. I say we stay really low a while longer. If all goes well, I want to set up a meeting.
>>>>>>It's your brain.
>>>Sometimes ya just gotta say, what the fuck.
Mulder? Are you on drugs by any chance?
>>>>>>True, it was cold water...
>>>Just so we're clear.
Crystal.
>>>>>>I guess we just deal with it differently.
>>>Like that's news. What do we not?
Maybe we should start trying to figure that out.
>>>Well, gotta admit, feels better having you at my back rather than sneaking around behind it.
Gotta admit...it's a relief on this side, too.
>>>>>>Nothing like a little inappropriate physical contact to jolt you out of your illusions. It was for your own good.
>>>And it worked. Is this where I thank you?
Not necessary. But you could always send chocolates. I like Vahlrona.
>>>>>>I LOVE brie, I hate Judy Garland, and I dressed up like Annie Oakley for Halloween when I was nine years old.
>>>I just got very turned on.
Was it the cheese?
Me in a ruffled skirt and mascara wasn't all I thought it was cracked up to be. Especially with the black eye my father gave me when he saw it.
>>>Am I supposed to believe you've changed just because Fate has thrown us together in some pre-destined battle for the planet? I'm not a masochist, I just don't run away from the important things. Even when I know damn good and well they're gonna hurt like hell.
Maybe this one can be a little more painless for the both of us.
And yeah. Losing an arm does tend to change a person.
>>>I'm no masochist, except online and anonymously.
I see that. You ever feel a cane in 3D, Mulder? Not for the thin-skinned or faint of heart, I'll tell ya that.
>>>>>>Have I hit you once?
>>>I think you got a few in outside of my apartment after you killed my father.
You *were* on drugs. I never hit you, Mulder.
>>>I think there's a reason you don't fight back, and I'm pretty sure we both know what it is.
Are we talking guilt now? Maybe I felt like you deserved a little vengence. Maybe I let you hit me because I *didn't* feel guilty. I'm sure you have a point, whatever point it is you're trying to make. You're the profiler. I'm sure you've got it all figured out.
>>>I've never beat the shit out of you, Krycek. I have smacked you around. A lot. It's getting kind of old, though, so if you agree not to sell me out, I'll agree to control my urge to make your mouth bleed.
>>>Deal?
Deal.
>>>And I've never sent over a winking smiley face, either.
Happy to have planted the idea in your head.
>>>>>>I've become MUCH more enlightened as to how exactly you cyber, Mulder. Consider me infinitely more informed.
>>>Guess I asked for that one. ;-)
Guess I asked for that damned smiley face. We'll call it even. Assuming you're gonna keep grinning and winking at me, I'm gonna keep spying on your cybers.
>>>Hey, I'm not the one getting all in a snit over a little naughty language and off-color humor. I may not have seen any actual ass in several years, but sexual release isn't a problem for me, and sexual frustration isn't making me a tense, oversensitive brat.
Touche.
Maybe I should beat myself one-handed more often. Maybe it's all this real, live, luscious, squeezing ass that's got me pissy. I'll cut down and see if that makes me more pleasant for you to be around.
;)
>>>>>>I topped the shit out of him.
>>>Yeah, but did you felch him afterward? ;-)
Whatever drugs you're on over there, Mulder...keep it up. I think I actually just laughed.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Are you watching?
>>>He bit and sent a goon to find me. Which means I know where he is and he doesn't know where I am. But he still wants to know. I say we stay really low a while longer. If all goes well, I want to set up a meeting.
I'll defer to you on this one. And yeah, saying that hurt a bit.
>>>Mulder? Are you on drugs by any chance?
Oh. These aren't just drugs, my friend. These are bonafide narcotic pharmaceuticals. Wait, that *is* drugs, isn't it.
Why?
>>>>>>>>>True, it was cold water...
>>>>>>Just so we're clear.
>>>Crystal.
Glad to see you're as observant as ever.
>>>>>>>>>I guess we just deal with it differently.
>>>>>>Like that's news. What do we not?
>>>Maybe we should start trying to figure that out.
Well, I dress to the left. How 'bout you? Seriously, I agree, and I think we are.
>>>>>>And it worked. Is this where I thank you?
>>>Not necessary. But you could always send chocolates. I like Vahlrona.
What, not shooting you when you gave me back the gun wasn't sentimental enough? And who's this Vahlrona chick, anyway?
>>>>>>I just got very turned on.
>>>Was it the cheese?
You know what I like.
>>>Me in a ruffled skirt and mascara wasn't all I thought it was cracked up to be. Especially with the black eye my father gave me when he saw it.
I'm sure you didn't need the mascara. Or the black eye. Now you in a ruffled skirt...God, what I wouldn't give...
>>>Maybe this one can be a little more painless for the both of us.
Wouldn't that be a kick in the ass? Or in our case, not.
>>>And yeah. Losing an arm does tend to change a person.
Since you brought it up, and since you said we should learn more about each other, and since you're not here to level me with one of those Krycek-death-glares...how has it changed you? Really.
>>>I see that. You ever feel a cane in 3D, Mulder? Not for the thin-skinned or faint of heart, I'll tell ya that.
Actually, yeah, I have. Took years for the stripes to fade completely. And it's not something I decided to keep in my sexual repertoire, either. Not that it was my idea in the first place.
How 'bout you?
>>>You *were* on drugs. I never hit you, Mulder.
Your memory of that night is probably more clear than mine, so I guess I'll have to take your word on that.
God, talk about scary shit.
>>>Are we talking guilt now? Maybe I felt like you deserved a little vengence. Maybe I let you hit me because I *didn't* feel guilty. I'm sure you have a point, whatever point it is you're trying to make. You're the profiler. I'm sure you've got it all figured out.
Well, I have my theories. Sounds like you're no more sure about it than I am, though, in reality. Interesting.
>>>Guess I asked for that damned smiley face. We'll call it even. Assuming you're gonna keep grinning and winking at me, I'm gonna keep spying on your cybers.
I'll make sure and make 'em good for ya. Wouldn't want you to get bored with me.
>>>Maybe I should beat myself one-handed more often. Maybe it's all this real, live, luscious, squeezing ass that's got me pissy. I'll cut down and see if that makes me more pleasant for you to be around.
>>> ;)
Well, it's only fair, since you get to watch and I don't.
>>>Whatever drugs you're on over there, Mulder...keep it up. I think I actually just laughed.
Since I honestly can't imagine that, I'm guessing it's been awhile.
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Changes
>>>>>>If all goes well, I want to set up a meeting.
>>>I'll defer to you on this one. And yeah, saying that hurt a bit.
It always hurts the first time.
I'm doing a little snooping around and I don't think it'll be long. The Smoker's gonna be busy in a couple of weeks up in Canada. Might be our window.
>>>Oh. These aren't just drugs, my friend. These are bonafide narcotic pharmaceuticals. Wait, that *is* drugs, isn't it.
>>>Why?
Oh, Mulder. More power to you.
>>>>>>>>>Just so we're clear.
>>>>>>Crystal.
>>>Glad to see you're as observant as ever.
It's a good thing to have in a partner. Wouldn't you say?
>>>Well, I dress to the left. How 'bout you?
I like to switch it up. ;)
>>>Seriously, I agree, and I think we are.
You ever been to Hamburg, Mulder?
Do you know what I do here all day? Listen to hard-rock down low so the neighbors don't notice, pull the mustard yellow and maroon plaid curtains tightly closed and live in this murky little room like a vampire with my hot tea and cream cheese blintzes.
Do you sleep with your gun?
Do you sleep?
I remember you used to have trouble.
>>>>>>But you could always send chocolates. I like Valrhona.
>>>What, not shooting you when you gave me back the gun wasn't sentimental enough?
I was touched. Really. I almost kissed you again. But I thought that might have been what could push you over the edge into homicide, so...
>>>And who's this Valrhona chick, anyway?
Is this your subtle way of asking if I'm bi?
Here. Check her out:
http://www.valrhona.com/fr/menu/home-gen.php3?vlang=A
>>>You know what I like.
Still go to Dim Sum at House of the Orient on Sundays? I'd kill for some of those pot stickers right now.
>>>>>>Maybe this one can be a little more painless for the both of us.
>>>Wouldn't that be a kick in the ass? Or in our case, not.
Yeah. But hell, I like change. I'm up for it if you are.
>>>Since you brought it up, and since you said we should learn more about each other, and since you're not here to level me with one of those Krycek-death-glares...how has it changed you? Really.
Well, aside from the obvious problems opening pickle jars...
I'm no angel. That's for sure. It didn't turn me into a Jesus Freak or a choirboy.
But... I used to be cocky. I was such a kid, Mulder. An angry, hot-headed, power-hungry kid. I was full of piss and vinegar and some dumb shit handed me a gun. Not that a lot of what I've done has been my idea. But they always made me feel like if I just went along...if I just did this one thing...I'd have what they have. Power. And a lot of it.
I think most boys feel like they become men when they lose their virginity. For me...it was losing my left arm. I don't take anybody's orders anymore. I do things my way. Everything's just...muted now. My anger's muted. My actions are measured. It's in my blood like a disease. It's always there, reminding me of what's real. The plastic strapped to my chest is the power I sought.
Not that I don't still want the real deal. I guess I just feel like I won't let myself be manipulated to get it. And it's made me think about karma. And you. How we fit. Your father. My arm. Your quest. My job. And now this. This prophecy saying that once again our paths meet.
I don't know. I'm not looking for an angle to take what you have. Just to be a part of it. And this tablet seems to want me to.
>>>>>>I see that. You ever feel a cane in 3D, Mulder? Not for the thin- skinned or faint of heart, I'll tell ya that.
>>>Actually, yeah, I have. Took years for the stripes to fade completely. And it's not something I decided to keep in my sexual repertoire, either. Not that it was my idea in the first place.
Fuck Mulder... Years? She did it wrong. So wrong.
>>>How 'bout you?
A little bit. I've been in the scene before. I've taken it and dished it out, both. But I prefer a cat o'nines. Or my bare hand. When I'm in the mood for that sort of thing, that is. And I've *never* hit anybody who didn't first beg me for it.
>>>Your memory of that night is probably more clear than mine, so I guess I'll have to take your word on that.
>>>God, talk about scary shit.
And that wasn't even one of my projects. I didn't even know they were going to try to frame you. Or how, until it was all over. I was their bitch, plain and simple. I'll live with having only one arm if it means I don't ever answer to them again. Like a mink eating off its own paw to get out of the snare. So be it. They're all fucking head cases. I wish I could have seen that when they were seducing me in.
>>>>>>Assuming you're gonna keep grinning and winking at me, I'm gonna keep spying on your cybers.
>>>I'll make sure and make 'em good for ya. Wouldn't want you to get bored with me.
You weren't kidding, were you? Shit, Mulder... I gotta say, their files on you don't do you justice. You're one kinky son of a bitch. ;)
>>>>>>Maybe it's all this real, live, luscious, squeezing ass that's got me pissy. I'll cut down and see if that makes me more pleasant for you to be around.
>>>Well, it's only fair, since you get to watch and I don't.
So...you wanna watch?
>>>>>>Whatever drugs you're on over there, Mulder...keep it up. I think I actually just laughed.
>>>Since I honestly can't imagine that, I'm guessing it's been awhile.
Yeah. It has.
Time for the Tom Jones. Wish me luck.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Clarity
>>>I'm doing a little snooping around and I don't think it'll be long. The Smoker's gonna be busy in a couple of weeks up in Canada. Might be our window.
I'll pick up some of those vacation fish-feeders just in case.
>>>>>>Glad to see you're as observant as ever.
>>>It's a good thing to have in a partner. Wouldn't you say?
Partners, huh? Is that what the tablet says?
>>>You ever been to Hamburg, Mulder?
Oh yeah. Partied there quite hardy in my Oxford days. Haven't been back in...well, a long time. It's probably changed some.
>>>Do you know what I do here all day? Listen to hard-rock down low so the neighbors don't notice, pull the mustard yellow and maroon plaid curtains tightly closed and live in this murky little room like a vampire with my hot tea and cream cheese blintzes.
Sci-Fi channel alternating with TNT and FX, turned down low because I almost always have a headache, blinds closed in case my 'doctors' decide to terminate the experiment, and Pepsi and cream cheese bagels. The drugs make me nauseous and dizzy, so I'm weaning myself off them.
>>>Do you sleep with your gun?
We're just friends, actually.
Oh, seriously. Well, if I tell you this, it'll give you an 'in' should you decide to surprise me some night.
Not exactly, but I've got a spare under the couch, taped to the frame.
Where do you keep yours?
>>>Do you sleep?
>>>I remember you used to have trouble.
The drugs have me going in and out all day long. I imagine once I've gotten off them completely, I'll be back to long nights staring at the television again.
Do you still snore? Sometimes I could hear you from the neighboring motel room.
>>>>>>And who's this Valrhona chick, anyway?
>>>Is this your subtle way of asking if I'm bi?
Is this your subtle way of avoiding the question?
>>>Here. Check her out:
>>> http://www.valrhona.com/fr/menu/home-gen.php3?vlang=A
Oh baby. Break me off a piece a'that.
>>>>>>You know what I like.
>>>Still go to Dim Sum at House of the Orient on Sundays? I'd kill for some of those pot stickers right now.
You really *are* observant. Or were. And you've got a scary memory. But I guess I knew that back when you started spouting inane highway fatality statistics. I'll bet you kick serious ass at Trivial Pursuit. I always wondered.
Yeah, when I can. Haven't had a good German stout in a long time, though. Maybe that place that butchers "What's Up Pussycat" would have some?
>>>But hell, I like change. I'm up for it if you are.
I'm always up for it.
>>>>>>...how has it changed you? Really.
>>>I guess I just feel like I won't let myself be manipulated to get it. And it's made me think about karma. And you. How we fit. Your father. My arm. Your quest. My job. And now this. This prophecy saying that once again our paths meet.
I'm sick of being used, too. I'm not condoning your actions or your choices. I'm just saying I understand that feeling of glancing up and catching sight of the puppet strings. I understand it taking a traumatic event to give you the courage to yank yourself free of them.
Of course, once you do that, you've got no one to blame but yourself if you fuck it up from then on out. But I can handle that. Even if it gets me killed. Even if it gets me screwed over again. It feels good to know I only answer to myself.
Which brings me to my relationship with Scully. Not sure why I'm telling you this except that you just told me so much of your own stuff and, again, I trust you due to our somewhat matched purposes at this time.
Scully's reaction over these artifacts was, to say the least, deeply disappointing. Frightening, to be honest. Enlightening, definitely. She actually chose not to see, let alone believe, what was happening before her very eyes. She chose to believe instead that I was simply crazy, and she turned her back not only on me, but on findings more important than any we'd ever come upon before. Possibly the very answers to the mysteries of the Universe.
She hit her wall, I think. That point beyond which she will not go, at least in this lifetime. At the same time, I feel like I've broken through a wall that's kept me from the exact thing I've sought since I can remember. It feels as if she's dropping out of the race just as I'm hitting my stride.
This has happened before, where she's just stubbornly refused to see what was right before her eyes, simply because it was too threatening to her conception of the way things are. I've ended up in four-point restraints because the truth was too much for her to take. She has lied to me rather than admit that there's more to the world than she previously believed.
I don't blame her. It's not as though this acceleration of understanding makes things the least bit comfortable or simple. But that's never been part of my existence, nor have I wanted it to be. I used to feel guilty about the sacrifices Scully has made since she became my partner. But when I watched her hit that wall this time around, I finally understood that it was always her choice. Watching her choose *not* to see the truth showed me that she has, until now, chosen to seek it. Although she's never really wanted to chase it quite as passionately as I have.
I've definitely taken a few falls trying to let her catch up. This time was the most dramatic. She's since come around, once again, to a certain extent, but I can tell she'd rather just not deal with it. Rather pretend that her worldview *isn't* being completely turned on its ear. She'd rather just live her damned life and not deal with all this Mysteries of the Universe shit.
And I'm tired of trying to drag her along, sometimes kicking and screaming. I'm ready to run. Maybe fly.
I think Scully and I have come as far together as we can. And while that's incredibly frightening to me, because she is the *only* person in my life who has *never* purposely hurt me, it's also liberating, in a way, because now I'm responsible only to myself.
And, if your tablet is legit, maybe the whole rest of the planet, but that's another story altogether.
>>>>>>Took years for the stripes to fade completely. And it's not something I decided to keep in my sexual repertoire, either. Not that it was my idea in the first place.
>>>Fuck Mulder... Years? She did it wrong. So wrong.
I know that now. We were both young and into seeing how extreme we could take it. Neither one of us knew shit about being careful. Neither one of us really cared, either. I could have walked away lots of times. And I finally did. I have no one to blame but myself.
>>>I've been in the scene before. I've taken it and dished it out, both. But I prefer a cat o'nines. Or my bare hand. When I'm in the mood for that sort of thing, that is. And I've *never* hit anybody who didn't first beg me for it.
I only play online now. Of course, I only fuck online, too. After Phoebe, I kept my sex life pretty vanilla. And it's always been heterosexual, in 3-D.
>>>I didn't even know they were going to try to frame you. Or how, until it was all over. I was their bitch, plain and simple. I'll live with having only one arm if it means I don't ever answer to them again. Like a mink eating off its own paw to get out of the snare.
It's actually foxes who do that most frequently.
>>>So be it. They're all fucking head cases. I wish I could have seen that when they were seducing me in.
It's fucked up, but maybe it all happened the way it did for a reason. I've experienced some rather startling moments of clarity since the most recent exposure to the rubbing you sent. And after the things you just told me, I'm starting to see my own puzzle pieces coalescing into some kind of whole.
If you're really supposed to help me come into my powers, and maybe with whatever comes after that, (you never did tell me what the tablet says comes next) then maybe you had to be who you've been: Power-hungry, single-minded, coldly passionate, survival-oriented, always one step ahead, forcing me to constantly reevaluate and run faster to either keep up or get away. You're the one unpredictable, yet constant force in my life that I could never figure out or control. Just when I'd think I was done with you, you'd pop up again, with a new face (or at least hairdo), new seductive promises, and a new lesson for me to learn. You never stuck around for long, but I never seemed to be able to totally escape you, either. In short, you forced me to grow and change and learn like little else in my life has.
You did evil things. You used the power of darkness to accomplish your goals. But maybe even in that there are benefits to be gleaned, if we look hard enough.
As for my father, I'm NOT saying it was justifiable to murder him, but he was certainly no innocent caught in the crossfire. You were a tool. A tool that was used against him. And the choices he made led to him being in the position to be that target.
You were also used very successfully against me, and I have to evaluate what I did to bring that on. What lessons did I need to learn, and how can I accomplish that learning so that I don't keep inviting the pain.
If your...passion...can be...oh you're gonna love this...harnessed...for the right purposes, we could be a force to be reckoned with. But I'll tell you right now. I won't stand by and watch you hurt people anymore, Krycek. There are other ways to get what you want. If you work with me, you work *against* the dark; against lies, against pain, against ignorance and manipulation and greed.
That's just the way it is, no matter what the tablet might say about it.
>>>>>>I'll make sure and make 'em good for ya. Wouldn't want you to get bored with me.
>>>You weren't kidding, were you? Shit, Mulder... I gotta say, their files on you don't do you justice. You're one kinky son of a bitch. ;)
The mind is a limitless plaything, if used right. A little virtual kink is good for the soul. I'd almost never do any of that shit for real, though. Not that I judge those who do, I just don't feel the need to make it 3-D, personally.
>>>So...you wanna watch?
I was born a voyeur.
>>>Time for the Tom Jones. Wish me luck.
Monty Python is on the BBC at midnight, Eastern, every night. Does your shithole get cable?
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Preference
>>>Partners, huh? Is that what the tablet says?
It's not really all that clear. I'm not sure what to tell you. I'd rather you see it and decipher it for yourself. But if you want me to conjecture... It seems to suggest a renewal of our partnership, yeah.
It uses old Greek words that took me a long time to translate, and I'm not convinced I have it right. I think it refers to you and me. It says there will be a 'sharer' and he who acts as your 'alter-ego'. It seems to allude to a time of truce that then shifts forward somehow. It uses the same word a lot then, and I can't find any other translation for it except... It seems to mean...mate.
>>>>>>You ever been to Hamburg, Mulder?
>>>Oh yeah. Partied there quite hardy in my Oxford days. Haven't been back in...well, a long time. It's probably changed some.
People still party here, so that hasn't changed. It's one of the reasons I decided on it. Not because I feel like taking a vacation and hitting the bottle. But because it's easy to get lost here...to disappear among the revelers.
What's the weather like in D.C.?
>>>Sci-Fi channel alternating with TNT and FX, turned down low because I almost always have a headache, blinds closed in case my 'doctors' decide to terminate the experiment, and Pepsi and cream cheese bagels. The drugs make me nauseous and dizzy, so I'm weaning myself off them.
Was fun while it lasted. ;)
I'm glad you're getting off them, Mulder. We both need you clear.
TV, huh? I don't have one in this dingy apartment. I've gone down the street to Germany's version of the sportsbar to catch some rugby and stock car racing. Have a pint. It's mainly just to hear other people's voices. The drunks jeering at the announcers. The crowd cheering...
I mostly just stay here and read, though. I usually like my own head. Lately, I've gotten a little sick of myself, though. I've thought about coming home. I know I can't. But I think I miss it. Its predictability. The trees are different here. I want to look at a tree and know what kind it is sometimes.
>>>>>>Do you sleep with your gun?
>>>We're just friends, actually.
Don't ever unload it, unzip, and have some law-abiding fun? ;)
>>>Oh, seriously. Well, if I tell you this, it'll give you an 'in' should you decide to surprise me some night.
No more surprises. I might even knock.
>>>Not exactly, but I've got a spare under the couch, taped to the frame.
>>>Where do you keep yours?
Sometimes in my hand. When I'm feeling safe, it's usually under my pillow. I got that from some 70s crime movie.
>>>>>>Do you sleep?
>>>>>>I remember you used to have trouble.
>>>The drugs have me going in and out all day long. I imagine once I've gotten off them completely, I'll be back to long nights staring at the television again.
Your night's my day, so while you're doing that, I'll probably be staring at a wall and wishing it was a TV. That or I'll be surfing the 'net for more chocolate sites to tempt you with.
>>>Do you still snore? Sometimes I could hear you from the neighboring motel room.
I do not snore. Your ears must deceive you.
>>>>>>Is this your subtle way of asking if I'm bi?
>>>Is this your subtle way of avoiding the question?
No. Just wanna be clear.
I prefer men.
>>>Oh baby. Break me off a piece a'that.
I thought the whole point was that you were going to break off a piece for *me*...baby.
>>>Haven't had a good German stout in a long time, though. Maybe that place that butchers "What's Up Pussycat" would have some?
It's decent. You saying you want to meet up here? Have head wound, will travel? As much as I'd rather not take the risk, it might be physically safer for you if I hop a plane back to D.C.
>>>>>>But hell, I like change. I'm up for it if you are.
>>>I'm always up for it.
Good to know.
>>>I'm sick of being used, too. I'm not condoning your actions or your choices.
Don't need you to. It wouldn't change them. All we can do is go forward, right?
>>>I'm just saying I understand that feeling of glancing up and catching sight of the puppet strings. I understand it taking a traumatic event to give you the courage to yank yourself free of them.
>>>Of course, once you do that, you've got no one to blame but yourself if you fuck it up from then on out. But I can handle that. Even if it gets me killed. Even if it gets me screwed over again. It feels good to know I only answer to myself.
Exactly.
>>>Which brings me to my relationship with Scully. Not sure why I'm telling you this except that you just told me so much of your own stuff and, again, I trust you due to our somewhat matched purposes at this time.
I don't know why I said all that I did. Maybe I'm crazy. I don't know. I've never told anybody any of that. I must be crazy to want to tell you. Nobody's ever...just asked me like that. You're the only honest man I know.
>>>She actually chose not to see, let alone believe, what was happening before her very eyes.
It's a hard thing to see sometimes. For some reason I've just never had that problem. Faulty wiring? ;)
>>>I've definitely taken a few falls trying to let her catch up.
That's gotta be hard for a man like you. Not to mention impossible now.
>>>And I'm tired of trying to drag her along, sometimes kicking and screaming. I'm ready to run. Maybe fly.
You've sure tested your wings enough. I'd say it's high time.
>>>I only play online now. Of course, I only fuck online, too. After Phoebe, I kept my sex life pretty vanilla. And it's always been heterosexual, in 3-D.
Always?
I don't think I could be satisfied with your way, Mulder. I need to feel the slap of skin. I want that low growl in the dark.
Don't you want that?
>>>>>>They're all fucking head cases. I wish I could have seen that when they were seducing me in.
>>>It's fucked up, but maybe it all happened the way it did for a reason. I've experienced some rather startling moments of clarity since the most recent exposure to the rubbing you sent.
Clarity? You mean you're having flashes of telepathy again?
>>>(you never did tell me what the tablet says comes next)
It foretells our meeting. And I think you're right. It alludes to contact with the fused pieces and a time of alignment, your energy with 'Source' energy. It gets confusing, then. But it seems clear that I'm there with you when this happens.
>>>You're the one unpredictable, yet constant force in my life that I could never figure out or control.
And you're the one I can't seem to get away from. It's not fair, is it? If it's all pre-destined, why the fuck did we just go through all that shit? Why couldn't we have shaken hands? Why couldn't I have known...?
But maybe you're right. Maybe I had to be this way. And maybe we had to find our way here anyway.
>>>What lessons did I need to learn, and how can I accomplish that learning so that I don't keep inviting the pain.
I never thought about it hurting you. Any of it. Isn't that fucked up? Shit, Mulder. But maybe if I'd thought of that...we wouldn't be where we are.
>>>If your...passion...can be...oh you're gonna love this...harnessed...for the right purposes, we could be a force to be reckoned with.
Yes, we could.
But I'm gonna stand out if I have to wear a harness while we do this.
>>>But I'll tell you right now. I won't stand by and watch you hurt people anymore, Krycek. There are other ways to get what you want. If you work with me, you work *against* the dark; against lies, against pain, against ignorance and manipulation and greed.
>>>That's just the way it is, no matter what the tablet might say about it.
I don't think I'm supposed to do it the old way anymore either, Mulder. And I'm not getting that from the tablet.
>>>>>>So...you wanna watch?
>>>I was born a voyeur.
I'll see what I can do by way of a webcam.
That or we could cyber.
>>>Does your shithole get cable?
Does my hardback of Ezra Pound poems count?
;)
Hey... Are you there right now, Mulder? I think it's sunrise there, isn't it? I like that first lavender light.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Ready to try something different
>>>It seems to mean...mate.
Really. I think I'd like to take a nice, hard look at your notes. Maybe you should send them to me so I can see what I make of them over here...if there's enough cash in that pot, now.
>>>What's the weather like in D.C.?
Partly cloudy. Cool, but not cold. Perfect weather for running. According to my doctors, I can start that again next week. I think they're just waiting for my hair to grow back so I don't scare the neighbors.
I like the sky overcast better than sunny, most times. I seem to be able to focus better. Maybe it's from growing up in New England.
>>>TV, huh? I don't have one in this dingy apartment. I've gone down the street to Germany's version of the sportsbar to catch some rugby and stock car racing. Have a pint. It's mainly just to hear other people's voices. The drunks jeering at the announcers. The crowd cheering...
Life without television? Not worth living, if you ask me. Jesus, buy yourself a Zenith, Alex. The programming might suck over there, but hell, they've got VCR's, and God knows there are plenty of good tapes out there. I could send you some of mine. I've even got a few *you'd* like.
>>>I mostly just stay here and read, though. I usually like my own head. Lately, I've gotten a little sick of myself, though. I've thought about coming home.
Where is home for you, Alex?
>>>Don't ever unload it, unzip, and have some law-abiding fun? ;)
You *have* been watching me, haven't you?
>>>No more surprises. I might even knock.
I'll try not to fall over with shock.
>>>Sometimes in my hand. When I'm feeling safe, it's usually under my pillow. I got that from some 70s crime movie.
Ah, so he does watch television! What other kinds of shows do you like?
>>>Your night's my day, so while you're doing that, I'll probably be staring at a wall and wishing it was a TV. That or I'll be surfing the 'net for more chocolate sites to tempt you with.
Surf the 'net for a TV. Then you can go back to tempting me.
>>>I do not snore. Your ears must deceive you.
Band-saw. But only after the really hard cases. I used to listen to you for hours and envy your ability to fall asleep so easily.
>>>>>>Oh baby. Break me off a piece a'that.
>>>I thought the whole point was that you were going to break off a piece for *me*...baby.
Seems like it'd be easier for you to get some over there in Europe. Maybe we could share it...tovarisch.
>>>You saying you want to meet up here? Have head wound, will travel? As much as I'd rather not take the risk, it might be physically safer for you if I hop a plane back to D.C.
Physically, I'm feeling better. Safe isn't exactly what I feel here in the demon's lair, though. If I'm going to be drooling all over my flannel jammies, I think I'd rather be somewhere away from the old farts who nipped my brain matter last time.
Some kind of middle ground? Bermuda triangle, maybe? ;-)
>>>I don't know why I said all that I did. Maybe I'm crazy. I don't know. I've never told anybody any of that. I must be crazy to want to tell you. Nobody's ever...just asked me like that. You're the only honest man I know.
Ask and ye shall receive. Maybe I should have asked a long time ago.
>>>>>>She actually chose not to see, let alone believe, what was happening before her very eyes.
>>>It's a hard thing to see sometimes. For some reason I've just never had that problem. Faulty wiring? ;)
Mine's so faulty I not only believe the incredible, I chase it down and wrestle it to the ground. I need it. The world doesn't make sense without it.
>>>>>>I only play online now. Of course, I only fuck online, too. After Phoebe, I kept my sex life pretty vanilla. And it's always been heterosexual, in 3-D.
>>>Always?
Always. Not that there's been a lot of 3-D action of any kind. Like I told you, Little Mulder hasn't seen any real, live action in...five years? And the last time was right after Scully was abducted. And you disappeared. I hooked up with this vampire chick in California. She killed herself the next day. I don't think it was related to my performance.
Oh hell. I forgot. I woke up during one of my fugues to find Diana naked in my bed. I guess I must have fucked her. Maybe that's why she got the codes from you and gave them to Scully. Guess I've still got it. :-P
>>>I don't think I could be satisfied with your way, Mulder. I need to feel the slap of skin. I want that low growl in the dark.
>>>Don't you want that?
Having only fucked women, I haven't had that low growl in the dark.
Every time I've had sex, it's taken a little piece of me. It's never led to anything good, once the aftershocks of orgasm ended. It's just easier to get the orgasm by myself, and keep my soul intact. I suppose I could just fuck 'em and leave 'em, but that's never been my style. The vampire chick was the one exception, and I think what I was really looking for was an interesting way to die, not a good time.
Are one-night stands really that much different from connecting over the 'net? Are they really that much more satisfying? My way's a lot less complicated. And I don't have to worry about STD's.
>>>You mean you're having flashes of telepathy again?
Not telepathy, exactly. More like insight. Moments when the pieces just start coming together, faster and more complete than ever. Like a bright light coming on. I just suddenly understand things that I've never understood before.
>>>But it seems clear that I'm there with you when this happens.
That's a reassuring thought, actually. Whatever your reasons are, I know you'll take care of me.
>>>It's not fair, is it? If it's all pre-destined, why the fuck did we just go through all that shit? Why couldn't we have shaken hands?
You offered. I'm the one who refused. See, that's what I mean by moments of clarity. Knowing where you went wrong. Seeing where you can go right again.
>>>I never thought about it hurting you. Any of it. Isn't that fucked up? Shit, Mulder.
And I thought you were reveling in causing me pain. Laughing at how naive I was to trust you. At how easily I did it again. And again.
>>>But I'm gonna stand out if I have to wear a harness while we do this.
Works for me. Hey, you have to make your own fun, whatever your circumstances, I always say.
>>>I don't think I'm supposed to do it the old way anymore either, Mulder.
Another thing I've been waiting a long time to hear you say, Alex. I hope you mean it, because I seem to be stuck with you either way.
>>>That or we could cyber.
Thought you said when it came to that stuff you weren't my man?
>>>Does my hardback of Ezra Pound poems count?
>>> ;)
Another thing I can't imagine. You curled up in a chair...or in bed...reading poetry. Really? Do you have a favorite?
>>>Hey... Are you there right now, Mulder? I think it's sunrise there, isn't it? I like that first lavender light.
I love it and I hate it. I love the way it looks, washing everything in a surreal, featureless violet, making even the most unattractive surroundings magical. I love the feeling of being awake before everyone else, seeing something few others are seeing, feeling like I'm in a world apart.
I hate the fact that I've spent another night watching the hours creep by on the clock, and now I have to go to work and get through more bullshit at the Bureau. I love the work but sometimes I think I can't stand another day of the ignorance, prejudice, red tape and short-sightedness. Sometimes I think I absolutely cannot kiss ass and play nice one more fucking day.
Is this what they call Divine Discontent?
I'm ready to try something different, Alex.
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Petals on a wet, black bough
>>>>>>It seems to mean...mate.
>>>Really. I think I'd like to take a nice, hard look at your notes. Maybe you should send them to me so I can see what I make of them over here...if there's enough cash in that pot, now.
Yeah. I think that would be good. I'll attach them here.
>>>>>>What's the weather like in D.C.?
>>>Partly cloudy. Cool, but not cold. Perfect weather for running. According to my doctors, I can start that again next week. I think they're just waiting for my hair to grow back so I don't scare the neighbors.
I'm sure you look fine.
Sometimes I think about when you would go running while we were out on a case. You'd always come back with some great, new insight. I've often thought of trying it myself, just to see if it clears my head enough to break through something.
I've survived for a really long time. I'm not sure when I stopped living in order to do that. I ran track in high school. I used to love it.
>>>I like the sky overcast better than sunny, most times. I seem to be able to focus better. Maybe it's from growing up in New England.
Negative ions. I like it that way, too.
>>>Life without television? Not worth living, if you ask me. Jesus, buy yourself a Zenith, Alex. The programming might suck over there, but hell, they've got VCR's, and God knows there are plenty of good tapes out there. I could send you some of mine. I've even got a few *you'd* like.
:) I appreciate the offer. I'll look into getting a damned TV. If only so that *you* feel better.
>>>Where is home for you, Alex?
I'm actually not sure. D.C. feels right because I've been there so long. But I hate how cold it is. Not the temperature, but the buildings and the people and the politics. I know it, though. I could drive around with my eyes shut. Plus, my apartment there is nice. Beats this dump any day.
But the last place I loved...just loved...was probably Savannah, Georgia. I spent my teen-age years there. It was gold. All the time. Even in cloudy weather. It was lit from the ground. It's the last place I felt safe.
>>>>>>Don't ever unload it, unzip, and have some law-abiding fun? ;)
>>>You *have* been watching me, haven't you?
Lucky guess.
>>>>>>I got that from some 70s crime movie.
>>>Ah, so he does watch television! What other kinds of shows do you like?
Really?
I can't really think of anything. It's been a long time since I thought about it.
Okay, well, you know those old B-horror movies they'd show on public access when you were a kid? Like...The Blob and Swamp Thing and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes... I used to like those.
You know that movie, The Piano? I liked that. Sometimes *I* just wanna shut the hell up and live in a shack in New Zealand.
And the whole idea of selling yourself for something you love... That kind of got me, I guess.
>>>>>>Your night's my day, so while you're doing that, I'll probably be staring at a wall and wishing it was a TV. That or I'll be surfing the 'net for more chocolate sites to tempt you with.
>>>Surf the 'net for a TV. Then you can go back to tempting me.
Anything I should use besides chocolate?
>>>>>>I do not snore. Your ears must deceive you.
>>>Band-saw.
Band-saw?!?!
>>>But only after the really hard cases. I used to listen to you for hours and envy your ability to fall asleep so easily.
Really?
Sometimes, when I couldn't sleep, I'd listen to your TV. I can see why you had it on all the time. It kept me company through the thin walls. Is that why you do it?
>>>Seems like it'd be easier for you to get some over there in Europe.
But it's the effort you go to to get it that counts. ;)
>>>Maybe we could share it...tovarisch.
I'm okay with that. Bring napkins. It melts on your fingers.
By the way, did you already know how to spell that or did you have to look it up, Mulder?
>>>Physically, I'm feeling better.
Good.
>>>Safe isn't exactly what I feel here in the demon's lair, though. If I'm going to be drooling all over my flannel jammies,
Hot. ;)
>>>I think I'd rather be somewhere away from the old farts who nipped my brain matter last time.
>>>Some kind of middle ground? Bermuda triangle, maybe? ;-)
Middle ground is fine. But I hear you already took a header into the Triangle. Maybe it's best if we pick someplace that isn't going to do a number on you all on its own.
Any other ideas?
>>>>>>I don't know why I said all that I did. Maybe I'm crazy. I don't know. I've never told anybody any of that. I must be crazy to want to tell you. Nobody's ever...just asked me like that. You're the only honest man I know.
>>>Ask and ye shall receive. Maybe I should have asked a long time ago.
You asked now. That's good for me.
>>>>>>Faulty wiring? ;)
>>>Mine's so faulty I not only believe the incredible, I chase it down and wrestle it to the ground. I need it. The world doesn't make sense without it.
No, it doesn't. Mulder, I've always believed that. Since we were partners. I just thought you should know.
>>>>>>>>>And it's always been heterosexual, in 3-D.
>>>>>>Always?
>>>Always.
That's a cryin' shame.
>>>Not that there's been a lot of 3-D action of any kind. Like I told you, Little Mulder hasn't seen any real, live action in...five years? And the last time was right after Scully was abducted. And you disappeared. I hooked up with this vampire chick in California. She killed herself the next day. I don't think it was related to my performance.
I'm sure Little Mulder did just fine.
>>>Oh hell. I forgot. I woke up during one of my fugues to find Diana naked in my bed. I guess I must have fucked her. Maybe that's why she got the codes from you and gave them to Scully. Guess I've still got it. :-P
Jesus... Fucking cunt. You mean she basically molested you for kicks while you were nearly comatose! Class-act. If I'd known, I would have beat her senseless and given the damned codes to Scully myself! Fuck, Mulder! Turn gay for fuck's sake!
>>>Having only fucked women, I haven't had that low growl in the dark.
If you ever wanted it, you'd have men lined up to have a turn with you. You know that, right?
>>>I suppose I could just fuck 'em and leave 'em, but that's never been my style. The vampire chick was the one exception, and I think what I was really looking for was an interesting way to die, not a good time.
I'm sorry.
>>>Are one-night stands really that much different from connecting over the 'net? Are they really that much more satisfying? My way's a lot less complicated. And I don't have to worry about STD's.
I guess you have a point. Doesn't stop me from wanting the physical experience, though. It's primal and has nothing to do with how easy something is. Or really how ultimately satisfying. Maybe it should.
>>>Not telepathy, exactly. More like insight. Moments when the pieces just start coming together, faster and more complete than ever. Like a bright light coming on. I just suddenly understand things that I've never understood before.
Like me?
>>>>>>But it seems clear that I'm there with you when this happens.
>>>That's a reassuring thought, actually. Whatever your reasons are, I know you'll take care of me.
Yeah... I will... Whatever my reasons.
>>>>>>Why couldn't we have shaken hands?
>>>You offered. I'm the one who refused. See, that's what I mean by moments of clarity. Knowing where you went wrong. Seeing where you can go right again.
Want to try that again when we meet?
>>>>>>I never thought about it hurting you. Any of it. Isn't that fucked up? Shit, Mulder.
>>>And I thought you were reveling in causing me pain. Laughing at how naive I was to trust you. At how easily I did it again. And again.
Maybe they were. That's never been my style. It just never occured to me. The only time I've ever betrayed you on purpose was when I was your partner. And that was my assignment. It wasn't about feelings. And it's never been personal. Not until when I came to you with Wiekamp.
>>>>>>But I'm gonna stand out if I have to wear a harness while we do this.
>>>Works for me. Hey, you have to make your own fun, whatever your circumstances, I always say.
So black harness... Leather pants? I mean, am I going all the way, here?
>>>>>>I don't think I'm supposed to do it the old way anymore either, Mulder.
>>>Another thing I've been waiting a long time to hear you say, Alex. I hope you mean it, because I seem to be stuck with you either way.
I don't think I can deny you a nicer, friendlier me if you keep calling me Alex.
And yeah. You're stuck. We both are. I'm not complaining.
Yet.
>>>>>>That or we could cyber.
>>>Thought you said when it came to that stuff you weren't my man?
Maybe I was wrong.
>>>Another thing I can't imagine. You curled up in a chair...or in bed...reading poetry. Really? Do you have a favorite?
Yes, really. Well for comic value I like 'The Virginal':
No, no! Go from me. I have left her lately. I will not spoil my sheath with lesser brightness, For my surrounding air hath a new lightness;
Always seemed so gay, ya know? ;)
It's cliche, but my favorite of his has always been 'In a Station of the Metro.'
The apparition of these faces in the crowd; Petals on a wet, black bough.
It's beautiful and lonely. People like ghosts on the train, displaced. Like petals stuck wet to the bough, so still and beautiful and tenuous and ultimately doomed.
I'm sorry, that's not very happy.
>>>I love the way it looks, washing everything in a surreal, featureless violet, making even the most unattractive surroundings magical. I love the feeling of being awake before everyone else, seeing something few others are seeing, feeling like I'm in a world apart.
How many times do you think we've been the only ones awake?
>>>I hate the fact that I've spent another night watching the hours creep by on the clock, and now I have to go to work and get through more bullshit at the Bureau. I love the work but sometimes I think I can't stand another day of the ignorance, prejudice, red tape and short-sightedness. Sometimes I think I absolutely cannot kiss ass and play nice one more fucking day.
>>>Is this what they call Divine Discontent?
Divine is right. ;) What do these prophecies mean for you, Mulder? for your X-Files...for the FBI? Is that something you even want to think about yet?
>>>I'm ready to try something different, Alex.
I'm ready, too.
Sun's going down here. It's strangely quiet. Like maybe I'm the only one left in the city.
Are you alone in D.C.?
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Alone in D.C.
>>>I'll attach them here.
I'm going to have some friends help me go over them. They can be trusted, I promise. I'll get back to you when I have something to report.
>>>Sometimes I think about when you would go running while we were out on a case. You'd always come back with some great, new insight. I've often thought of trying it myself, just to see if it clears my head enough to break through something.
Works for me. It's like a moving meditation, I guess. Plus the endorphin rush leaves me almost as loose and warm as a good orgasm.
>>>I've survived for a really long time. I'm not sure when I stopped living in order to do that. I ran track in high school. I used to love it.
Running for fun rather than to stay alive. Imagine that. You should try it.
I ran track in high school, too. Cross-country, two years. It was the only time people actually treated me like I was not only normal, but valuable. I was the fastest runner on the team. They kind of had to pretend to like me, even though I was a geek with a freakish home life.
What kind of kid were you?
>>> :) I appreciate the offer. I'll look into getting a damned TV. If only so that *you* feel better.
I feel better. Bring it with you when we meet up. The place we stay might not have one.
>>>Plus, my apartment there is nice. Beats this dump any day.
You have to know you've aroused my curiosity to the point where I'm ready to use every means at my disposal to find your apartment and go through your things while you're gone. ;-)
>>>But the last place I loved...just loved...was probably Savannah, Georgia. I spent my teen-age years there. It was gold. All the time. Even in cloudy weather. It was lit from the ground. It's the last place I felt safe.
Savannah's beautiful. I've been through there a few times on business. So did you live in the city or in the surrounding farm country?
I can't really think of a place I'd say I felt safe. Maybe England, but I wouldn't wanna live there again. I like to be where the action is, I guess. I get bored easily. Hell, I'm not really home enough to care where it's at, I guess, as long as I'm doing what I love.
>>>>>>Ah, so he does watch television! What other kinds of shows do you like?
>>>Really?
Yeah. I'm asking.
>>>Okay, well, you know those old B-horror movies they'd show on public access when you were a kid? Like...The Blob and Swamp Thing and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes... I used to like those.
Oh God I LOVE those. I have them all on tape. ;-)
>>>You know that movie, The Piano? I liked that. Sometimes *I* just wanna shut the hell up and live in a shack in New Zealand.
I used to think that it would be easier to have some kind of physical challenge, specifically a 'peg leg' like Ahab in Moby Dick, so that people wouldn't have all the damned expectations about me and I'd just get credit for 'pressing on in spite of my disability.' I guess my thought was that if that happened I could just bow out and live in that shack, too.
Alex, I realize how intimately close to home I'm hitting with this, and I don't mean any disrespect. Maybe I just really overstepped my bounds here and fucked things up. If so, I'm really sorry. But it's something that's weighed on me ever since I realized you had gotten your arm cut off. How I didn't cut you the same slack I had expected as my due in a similar situation.
I think it was the first time I realized that I've always held you to a different standard than the rest of the world. I'm a pretty forgiving person, and compassionate, too, as a rule. But I never let myself harbor any of that for you. I'm not a violent person, and usually don't have a problem with anger, but you...I allowed myself to be a different person with you. And not one I'm proud of. Yes, you fucked up, but maybe if I'd extended the same understanding to you that I make it a point to hold for the rest of the world, I could have reached you sooner.
I'm sorry.
>>>And the whole idea of selling yourself for something you love... That kind of got me, I guess.
That intensity of devotion is extremely compelling, I agree. I suppose you and I have both sold ourselves for this, to some extent. I think the trick is in having both...yourself and the object of your devotion.
>>>>>>Surf the 'net for a TV. Then you can go back to tempting me.
>>>Anything I should use besides chocolate?
I don't need the chocolate.
>>>Band-saw?!?!
Well, not really. I just said that to get a rise out of you. More of a soft, even snuffling. With the occasional intermittent snort. I kid you not. I could make tapes of you if you need proof.
>>>Sometimes, when I couldn't sleep, I'd listen to your TV. I can see why you had it on all the time. It kept me company through the thin walls. Is that why you do it?
Yeah. It fills in the empty spaces. Why didn't you ever knock on my door? I guess I probably didn't make you feel like you could. I was so afraid to like you. I used to literally swallow back the smiles and clench my fists to keep from touching you. I guess I never really stopped that second thing, huh.
>>>But it's the effort you go to to get it that counts. ;)
That makes sense, that you wouldn't like things that came easily. Well, that you could get easily, anyway. I suppose I'm the same way.
>>>Bring napkins. It melts on your fingers.
Chocolate and napkins? I really don't see those two things going together. Don't you like to get messy, Alex? Rub things between your fingers and thumb and then lick off the results?
>>>By the way, did you already know how to spell that or did you have to look it up, Mulder?
Are you kidding? You kiss me and call me a name and you don't think I'm gonna be on the 'net's Russian/English translation pages in a heartbeat?
>>>>>>Safe isn't exactly what I feel here in the demon's lair, though. If I'm going to be drooling all over my flannel jammies,
>>>Hot. ;)
Glad you think so. You'll be there to see it.
>>>Middle ground is fine. But I hear you already took a header into the Triangle.
How long have you been keeping tabs on me?
>>>Maybe it's best if we pick someplace that isn't going to do a number on you all on its own.
Maybe for our vacation afterwards. ;-) Those Nazis won't have a chance against both of us.
>>>Any other ideas?
You probably know, much better than I do, where we'll both be safest. Hey, I'm having another one of my moments of clarity. You asked why it had to be so hard, why you couldn't have seen through their seductions from the beginning?
I think I know.
I need someone who's been on the inside to help keep me safe from them. Someone who would see enough benefit in helping me to risk everything to do so.
So you decide. You name the place and I'll be there.
>>>You asked now. That's good for me.
It's good for me, too, and I guess, probably the way it was meant to be. So let's just focus our energy on the future, and let the past explain itself that way.
>>>>>>Mine's so faulty I not only believe the incredible, I chase it down and wrestle it to the ground. I need it. The world doesn't make sense without it.
>>>No, it doesn't. Mulder, I've always believed that. Since we were partners. I just thought you should know.
I always wondered if it was ALL bullshit. I figured it was. Thanks.
>>>That's a cryin' shame.
I had a few guys show some interest at Oxford, but I've never met a man that was worth the risk. Not that the women I've been with ended up being worth it, either, but I guess there must be a reason for all of it. Maybe if I hadn't had that relationship with Diana, she wouldn't have gotten the codes to Scully and I wouldn't be here.
It'll take me awhile to figure out the benefits to my time with Phoebe.
>>>Jesus... Fucking cunt. You mean she basically molested you for kicks while you were nearly comatose! Class-act. If I'd known, I would have beat her senseless and given the damned codes to Scully myself!
I'm flattered by your concern for my virtue, but Diana did care about me, and I think you're forgetting that the reason you gave *her* the codes was because you had figured out that you needed me to get a piece of that Messiah action. I don't think you really would have cared about Diana grabbing a little unconscious booty. And I wasn't so out of it that I didn't recognize you stepping over me on the stairwell. She's the one who found me there and got me home. In fact, that's when she did her thing. In other words, not to be cruel, but you had your chance at me.
>>>Fuck, Mulder! Turn gay for fuck's sake!
Make me. ;-)
>>>If you ever wanted it, you'd have men lined up to have a turn with you. You know that, right?
I don't want men lined up to have a turn with me.
>>>>>>I think what I was really looking for was an interesting way to die, not a good time.
>>>I'm sorry.
I accept your apology.
>>>>>>I just suddenly understand things that I've never understood before.
>>>Like me?
Maybe. And me.
>>>Want to try that again when we meet?
I promise I'll take your hand this time.
>>>It wasn't about feelings. And it's never been personal. Not until when I came to you with Wiekamp.
I'm not sure why it's always felt so personal to me. Or maybe I do know and just don't want to face that, yet.
>>>So black harness... Leather pants? I mean, am I going all the way, here?
Leather pants can be so hot and sweaty, and not in a good way, at least for the wearer. Jeans are good. And that jacket. You still have the jacket? That jacket's been through a lot. In fact, unless I'm mistaken, it's been through everything we have. I think I'll miss it if it's gone.
>>>I don't think I can deny you a nicer, friendlier me if you keep calling me Alex.
Jesus, it kills me to think that's all it takes, Alex.
>>>And yeah. You're stuck. We both are. I'm not complaining.
>>>Yet.
I'm done with my complaining. And ready for the good time.
>>>>>>Thought you said when it came to that stuff you weren't my man?
>>>Maybe I was wrong.
Well duh...why do you think I kept it up? And why do you think I don't even pay any attention to the rest of my email in this box anymore? Hell, I only cyber so you can watch, these days.
You're way more fun. Even when you're being a brat.
>>>Well for comic value I like 'The Virginal':
>>>No, no! Go from me. I have left her lately. I will not spoil my sheath with lesser brightness, For my surrounding air hath a new lightness;
>>>Always seemed so gay, ya know? ;)
This I wanna hear. How so? ;-)
>>>The apparition of these faces in the crowd; >>>Petals on a wet, black bough.
>>>It's beautiful and lonely. People like ghosts on the train, displaced. Like petals stuck wet to the bough, so still and beautiful and tenuous and ultimately doomed.
>>>I'm sorry, that's not very happy.
I didn't ask for happy. I asked for truth. And I asked for you. Thank you for telling me.
>>>How many times do you think we've been the only ones awake?
Maybe forever. Or at least the last five years. It certainly feels that way a lot of the time.
>>>Divine is right. ;) What do these prophecies mean for you, Mulder? for your X-Files...for the FBI? Is that something you even want to think about yet?
The FBI is just a tool I use to access the X-files, and the X-files are just an ongoing record of the Truth. It doesn't sound like I'm going to need either one of them anymore, if all of this is on the level. I still need to read your notes and hopefully get some idea of what the future holds once I've become 'activated', but I don't have any attachments I'm not willing to leave behind for this.
>>>>>>Sun's going down here. It's strangely quiet. Like maybe I'm the only one left in the city.
>>>Are you alone in D.C.?
Really alone. And also...not. Not anymore.
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Not Alone
>>>I'm going to have some friends help me go over them. They can be trusted, I promise.
I trust you.
>>>It's like a moving meditation, I guess. Plus the endorphin rush leaves me almost as loose and warm as a good orgasm.
It does, huh. Do you run as often as you jerk off? When was the last time, Mulder. Not running. Making yourself come.
>>>Running for fun rather than to stay alive. Imagine that. You should try it.
Run with me? When you're better, that is.
>>>I ran track in high school, too. Cross-country, two years. It was the only time people actually treated me like I was not only normal, but valuable.
Maybe that's a small part of why this is happening to you now.
Payback. ;)
>>>What kind of kid were you?
Well, I ran the 50 yard dash. Sounds like you were more endurance running. I was a sprinter. I had muscles for speed, but I was asthmatic, so I got winded kind of easily.
I was shy. I read a lot. And when I was a sophomore and junior in high school, I wrote a lot of poetry. My dad hated it, but my mom seemed pleased.
I grew up on a farm in Georgia in a little place called Summertown. We had dairy cows and chickens and a big garden. I had an older brother, Misha, and he was always out helping my dad. When I was little, I gathered the eggs and helped my mom. Then I learned how to milk the cows and separate the cream. I went to school, and milked cows.
Weird, huh?
When we moved to the city, I felt so lonely and I just kind of withdrew. I got teased a lot, but Misha (who went by Michael in high school) stood up for me until he graduated. After that it was hell. Finally, when I was a senior, I'd pretty much had it and fought back. I really hurt a guy. Bad. I had no idea how angry I'd gotten. I'd just pushed it all down.
That was the year I figured out I was gay, too. They figured it out first. I think that's what pissed me off so bad.
>>>>>> :) I appreciate the offer. I'll look into getting a damned TV. If only so that *you* feel better.
>>>I feel better. Bring it with you when we meet up. The place we stay might not have one.
Will do.
>>>>>>Plus, my apartment there is nice. Beats this dump any day.
>>>You have to know you've aroused my curiosity to the point where I'm ready to use every means at my disposal to find your apartment and go through your things while you're gone. ;-)
I'd tell you to have at it, but I wouldn't want you to get yourself killed so close to being the Messiah. It's watched, most certainly. But I'll tell ya about it and everything in it if you wanna know. Where do you want me to start? The quilt my grandmother made that's folded at the foot of my bed? The guava juice in the fridge? The clove and sage candle perched on the lip of the tub? The salve I keep in the medicine cabinet for the arm sores?
I'm an open book to you, Mulder. Just try me.
>>>>>>Like...The Blob and Swamp Thing and Attack of the Killer Tomatoes... I used to like those.
>>>Oh God I LOVE those. I have them all on tape. ;-)
Bring them. It's been a while.
>>>Alex, I realize how intimately close to home I'm hitting with this, and I don't mean any disrespect. Maybe I just really overstepped my bounds here and fucked things up. If so, I'm really sorry.
No. You haven't.
>>>But it's something that's weighed on me ever since I realized you had gotten your arm cut off. How I didn't cut you the same slack I had expected as my due in a similar situation.
You...thought about me? I mean, in terms other than, 'I wish that son of a bitch would up and die already.'?
>>>I think it was the first time I realized that I've always held you to a different standard than the rest of the world. ... I allowed myself to be a different person with you. And not one I'm proud of. Yes, you fucked up, but maybe if I'd extended the same understanding to you that I make it a point to hold for the rest of the world, I could have reached you sooner.
>>>I'm sorry.
Mulder... It's okay. God, I thought I needed this from you. And maybe I did. But now that I have it... I just want to run and hide from it. You once called me a coward, and it's my biggest fear that you're right.
Are we...friends, Mulder? Is that what this is?
>>>>>>And the whole idea of selling yourself for something you love... That kind of got me, I guess.
>>>That intensity of devotion is extremely compelling, I agree. I suppose you and I have both sold ourselves for this, to some extent. I think the trick is in having both...yourself and the object of your devotion.
It's the self part that I have no idea how to do. And all this time I thought it was the other way around.
>>>>>>>>>Then you can go back to tempting me.
>>>>>>Anything I should use besides chocolate?
>>>I don't need the chocolate.
I don't either.
>>>>>>Band-saw?!?!
>>>Well, not really. I just said that to get a rise out of you.
Prick. ;)
>>>More of a soft, even snuffling. With the occasional intermittent snort. I kid you not. I could make tapes if you if you need proof.
You've really...listened to me.
God, you scare me sometimes, Mulder.
>>>Why didn't you ever knock on my door? I guess I probably didn't make you feel like you could.
Neither did my employers. It was a game of close but not too close. Of course, all the orders in the world couldn't stop me from wanting to.
>>>I was so afraid to like you.
Tell me about it. I limited myself to a good, unhealthy fascination. Nothing I had to sweat too bad. It's good to be a little obsessed with your work, right? I was just putting a lot of thought into my assignment.
>>>I used to literally swallow back the smiles and clench my fists to keep from touching you. I guess I never really stopped that second thing, huh.
It's not as though I was particularly discouraging. I may have played innocent and oblivious, but I'm a gay man. I always know it when an attractive man is touching me. Even if it's split second. Even if it's nothing. I knew. I allowed it. Even when I knew I shouldn't.
>>>Chocolate and napkins? I really don't see those two things going together. Don't you like to get messy, Alex? Rub things between your fingers and thumb and then lick off the results?
You're too smart not to know what you're doing.
Play with fire much?
Don't answer that.
>>>>>>I hear you already took a header into the Triangle.
>>>How long have you been keeping tabs on me?
Off and on for five years. I'd get assigned to it sometimes back in the day. I guess it got kind of addictive. I don't watch everything. I don't have time. But I caught wind of that one. How could I not? Scully was all over the Hoover like a bad rumor. Word gets around when you ask people like Kersh and Spender Junior for help.
>>>>>>Maybe it's best if we pick someplace that isn't going to do a number on you all on its own.
>>>Maybe for our vacation afterwards. ;-) Those Nazis won't have a chance against both of us.
I'd like to see you in uniform. Think we could arrange that? ;)
If not, I'd just as soon vacation on an island somewhere. Margaritas, getting a tan, lots of skinny dipping in the ocean, grilled fish, private cabana... That sort of thing. Can ya handle it?
>>>I need someone who's been on the inside to help keep me safe from them. Someone who would see enough benefit in helping me to risk everything to do so.
>>>So you decide. You name the place and I'll be there.
How does Savannah sound? Five days from now. I've got a nurse lined up, and Smokey's going to be in Toronto. I'd rather be the one traveling overseas. I'm not watched right now and you might be. I trust you to not get yourself followed down there, but using your passport to leave the country might be pushing it. Even if you're George E. Hale. ;)
You game?
I'm gonna do everything I can to keep you safe, Mulder. This means too much. You mean too much...to the well-being of this planet.
>>>So let's just focus our energy on the future, and let the past explain itself that way.
You got it. :)
>>>I always wondered if it was ALL bullshit. I figured it was. Thanks.
You're welcome.
>>>I had a few guys show some interest at Oxford, but I've never met a man that was worth the risk.
No, I guess you haven't.
>>>Not that the women I've been with ended up being worth it, either, but I guess there must be a reason for all of it. Maybe if I hadn't had that relationship with Diana, she wouldn't have gotten the codes to Scully and I wouldn't be here.
Makes my stomach turn a little, to be honest. But I guess that's a valid theory.
>>>It'll take me awhile to figure out the benefits to my time with Phoebe.
Understandable. ;)
>>>I'm flattered by your concern for my virtue,
I'm well aware of the state of your virtue. It's more your safety I was thinking of.
>>>I think you're forgetting that the reason you gave *her* the codes was because you had figured out that you needed me to get a piece of that Messiah action.
I didn't know about that yet, Mulder.
>>>I don't think you really would have cared about Diana grabbing a little unconscious booty. And I wasn't so out of it that I didn't recognize you stepping over me on the stairwell. She's the one who found me there and got me home. In fact, that's when she did her thing. In other words, not to be cruel, but you had your chance at me.
Yeah, I didn't stop to rape you because I was too busy trying to get all those pesky artifacts that were driving you out of your skull. If that was my chance, I'd miss it again.
>>>>>>Fuck, Mulder! Turn gay for fuck's sake!
>>>Make me. ;-)
Goddamnit. This email is complete insanity, you know that, right? One minute you have me seething and the next... And the next you've got me wondering if you're the reason God gave me a cock to fuck with.
You're such an asshole. Why does that just make me want you more? What the fuck are you doing to me, Mulder?
What are we doing?
>>>>>>If you ever wanted it, you'd have men lined up to have a turn with you.
>>>I don't want men lined up to have a turn with me.
I don't either.
Shit, I really don't.
>>>>>>I'm sorry.
>>>I accept your apology.
I don't have the right words for what I need to say to that.
>>>Leather pants can be so hot and sweaty, and not in a good way, at least for the wearer. Jeans are good. And that jacket. You still have the jacket? That jacket's been through a lot. In fact, unless I'm mistaken, it's been through everything we have. I think I'll miss it if it's gone.
I still have it. I'll wear it for you. Even if it's hot as hell. ;)
>>>>>>I don't think I can deny you a nicer, friendlier me if you keep calling me Alex.
>>>Jesus, it kills me to think that's all it takes, Alex.
I didn't know that's all it would take either. It's got me a little fucked up. Might need to take myself down the street for a pint or two.
And you know what's really fucked up? It's that I'll probably just get a six pack of some American beer and come back here. Wanna drink with me, Mulder?
>>>I'm done with my complaining. And ready for the good time.
Jesus, yeah. Bring it on, I say.
>>>>>>>>>Thought you said when it came to that stuff you weren't my man?
>>>>>>Maybe I was wrong.
>>>Well duh...why do you think I kept it up? And why do you think I don't even pay any attention to the rest of my email in this box anymore? Hell, I only cyber so you can watch, these days.
>>>You're way more fun. Even when you're being a brat.
And I'd rather sit here with you, taking your shit, than be with any guy in the club district tonight.
>>>>>>Always seemed so gay, ya know? ;)
>>>This I wanna hear. How so? ;-)
Well, first, he left her. He didn't want to 'spoil [his] sheath', LOL! Doesn't wanna get his cock all yucky in her womanly parts. ;)
'For my surrounding air hath a new lightness.'
He's a flaming QUEEN, Mulder! He's coming out. Just start playing Gloria Gaynor and serving up Cosmopolitans and we're all set. ;)
>>>>>>I'm sorry, that's not very happy.
>>>I didn't ask for happy. I asked for truth. And I asked for you. Thank you for telling me.
My pleasure. I can't believe how much I smiled while I typed that. You seem to have this gift of...unlocking me...or something. I hadn't thought of that poem in years. It's funny how something so sad can bring you such comfort.
>>>>>>How many times do you think we've been the only ones awake?
>>>Maybe forever. Or at least the last five years. It certainly feels that way a lot of the time.
I know I don't feel nearly as alone now.
>>>I don't have any attachments I'm not willing to leave behind for this.
Neither do I, Mulder.
>>>>>>Are you alone in D.C.?
>>>Really alone. And also...not. Not anymore.
Not anymore.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Breathless
>>>Do you run as often as you jerk off?
Jesus God, no. I'd collapse from exhaustion.
>>>When was the last time, Mulder. Not running. Making yourself come.
'Bout ten minutes ago. That whole 'reason God gave me a cock to fuck with' thing. DAMN good one, too.
>>>Run with me? When you're better, that is.
Sure, Alex. I thought about asking you several times back when we worked together, but I just couldn't let myself. I don't have much experience in playing well with others, but I'd like to try.
>>>Well, I ran the 50 yard dash. Sounds like you were more endurance running.
Yeah, I liked to run until I was just about ready to throw up. Sometimes it took that long to let go of all the shit I was dragging with me.
>>>I was a sprinter. I had muscles for speed, but I was asthmatic, so I got winded kind of easily.
I noticed you were always breathless during our encounters. And here I thought it was me. ;-)
>>>Weird, huh?
Alex Krycek, farm boy. Makes a special kind of sense, actually. So you were telling the truth when you said your parents were cold war immigrants?
>>>I had no idea how angry I'd gotten. I'd just pushed it all down.
I'm sure you know I understand that. I think...some of the anger I took out on you after you killed my father...was actually *at* my father. For dying before he forgave me. For dying before he told me he was proud of me. For dying before he could say he was sorry. And the rest of it was anger at you for taking away his chance to do that, combined with anger that it had to be *you* who did it, of all people. That really hit me hard.
>>>That was the year I figured out I was gay, too. They figured it out first. I think that's what pissed me off so bad.
I was made fun of, too. Some of the kids...and adults, for that matter...actually believed that I had killed my own little sister and hidden the body. In any case, I never really had any friends. Not that I wanted any. I just wanted to fade into the woodwork and be forgotten. I pretty much got my wish, especially at home. Unlike you, I didn't learn to fight until the Academy.
>>>But I'll tell ya about it and everything in it if you wanna know. Where do you want me to start? The quilt my grandmother made that's folded at the foot of my bed? The guava juice in the fridge?
What the hell is guava juice? And if it's still in there, I don't think I wanna see it.
>>>The clove and sage candle perched on the lip of the tub?
Are you a bubblebather, Alex?
>>>The salve I keep in the medicine cabinet for the arm sores?
I hope you took that with you.
>>>I'm an open book to you, Mulder. Just try me.
Am I really in some padded room somewhere, staring into space with a big, dumb, oblivious smile on my face?
>>>Bring them. It's been a while.
Packed. Along with Plan 9 From Outer Space. Don't try to argue with me on this one, Krycek.
>>>>>>But it's something that's weighed on me ever since I realized you had gotten your arm cut off. How I didn't cut you the same slack I had expected as my due in a similar situation.
>>>You...thought about me? I mean, in terms other than, 'I wish that son of a bitch would up and die already.'?
Jesus, Alex. I can't count how many nights I spent trying to figure you out. Trying to profile what little I had on you into some kind of understandable whole. Of course, what I didn't realize is that I was sabotaging my own efforts by refusing to take off my own blinders. I continued to see you as 'other' because it was the only way I could justify my rage and lack of compassion. And as I said, when you showed up sans one arm with information and a kiss, I let go of some of that stupid bullshit and finally started really trying to *see* you.
>>>You once called me a coward, and it's my biggest fear that you're right.
I said that before I took the blinders off. Ever hear of a little thing called projection? It was my fear that kept me from risking my heart and extending you the slightest hint of kindness or understanding. That makes me the coward.
>>>Are we...friends, Mulder? Is that what this is?
Do you want the truth? Hope so. I think we're...more.
>>>>>>I think the trick is in having both...yourself and the object of your devotion.
>>>It's the self part that I have no idea how to do. And all this time I thought it was the other way around.
I think the only way to have both is to learn to listen to your heart. And to risk it, even if it means that it gets broken. I'm beginning to think that's better than closing it off completely, because when you do that, you kill any chance for happiness at all and then what's the point? I speak from experience.
>>>You've really...listened to me.
From the moment you tried to take over *my* case, I was compelled to find out everything I possibly could about you. I knew you were sent to spy on me, but of course, I had no idea how deeply you were involved, nor how dangerous you really were to me. I split my time with you between trying to unravel the mystery and trying not to like you too much and thus become complacent. So, yes, I was paying attention.
>>>God, you scare me sometimes, Mulder.
Never doubt that I'm paying attention to you. I never seem to be able to help myself.
>>>>>>I was so afraid to like you.
>>>Tell me about it. I limited myself to a good, unhealthy fascination.
Sounds kind of familiar.
>>>Nothing I had to sweat too bad. It's good to be a little obsessed with your work, right? I was just putting a lot of thought into my assignment.
God, the energy of our combined "thought" could have powered a small city.
>>>>>>Don't you like to get messy, Alex? Rub things between your fingers and thumb and then lick off the results?
>>>You're too smart not to know what you're doing.
But is it working?
>>>Play with fire much?
Why? Am I going to get burned by you?
>>>Don't answer that.
I never was good at following directives.
>>>I'd like to see you in uniform. Think we could arrange that? ;)
Me in uniform and you in a black leather harness and jacket. Sounds like quite a party. But hey, whatever trips your trigger...
>>>If not, I'd just as soon vacation on an island somewhere. Margaritas, getting a tan, lots of skinny dipping in the ocean, grilled fish, private cabana... That sort of thing. Can ya handle it?
We'll never know unless we try.
>>>How does Savannah sound? Five days from now.
Where do you want me?
>>>You game?
I'm downright gamey.
>>>I'm gonna do everything I can to keep you safe, Mulder. This means too much. You mean too much...to the well-being of this planet.
It's fucking insane, but...I feel safe with you on the job.
>>>>>>I think you're forgetting that the reason you gave *her* the codes was because you had figured out that you needed me to get a piece of that Messiah action.
>>>I didn't know about that yet, Mulder.
Then why?
>>>I didn't stop to rape you because I was too busy trying to get all those pesky artifacts that were driving you out of your skull. If that was my chance, I'd miss it again.
Well, I didn't say it was your *last* chance.
>>>>>>>>>Fuck, Mulder! Turn gay for fuck's sake!
>>>>>>Make me. ;-)
>>>Goddamnit. This email is complete insanity, you know that, right? One minute you have me seething and the next... And the next you've got me wondering if you're the reason God gave me a cock to fuck with.
Then it *is* working.
>>>You're such an asshole. Why does that just make me want you more?
I hope that doesn't mean I have to go back to hitting you to get laid.
>>>What the fuck are you doing to me, Mulder?
>>>What are we doing?
Nothing but some fantasizing and major jerking off, yet. But I'm booking the ticket as soon as I'm finished with this email.
>>>>>>I don't want men lined up to have a turn with me.
>>>I don't either.
>>>Shit, I really don't.
Well, since you're my champion now, I pity the fools that try. ;-)
>>>>>>I accept your apology.
>>>I don't have the right words for what I need to say to that.
Maybe we've said all that needs to be said about that. Besides, actions speak louder.
>>>>>>I think I'll miss it if it's gone.
>>>I still have it. I'll wear it for you. Even if it's hot as hell. ;)
It's not that hot if it's the only thing you're wearing. I'll even let you forego the harness.
>>>It's got me a little fucked up. Might need to take myself down the street for a pint or two.
>>>And you know what's really fucked up? It's that I'll probably just get a six pack of some American beer and come back here. Wanna drink with me, Mulder?
Can't. Still gettin' off them narcotics. But I'll get stoned on them while you drink the Coors. Damn. Drinking American beer in Germany. That's punishable by death in some parts. Must be some powerful homesickness.
>>>And I'd rather sit here with you, taking your shit, than be with any guy in the club district tonight.
Then I *am* doin' it right.
>>>Well, first, he left her. He didn't want to 'spoil [his] sheath', LOL! Doesn't wanna get his cock all yucky in her womanly parts. ;)
>>>'For my surrounding air hath a new lightness.'
>>>He's a flaming QUEEN, Mulder! He's coming out. Just start playing Gloria Gaynor and serving up Cosmopolitans and we're all set. ;)
Damn, you're totally right. I SO didn't see that. I never was that good at literary interpretation. Where were you when I was in college trudging through my assignment on Dylan Thomas?
Hey, yeah, where *were* you when I was in college? How old are you, anyway? I'm not about to go off the official record on anything when it comes to you.
>>>My pleasure. I can't believe how much I smiled while I typed that. You seem to have this gift of...unlocking me...or something.
But only when I'm finished playing with you in the cuffs.
Sorry. More of that humor to diffuse a tense situation. I think I can explain this...gift...a little better when we get together.
>>>I hadn't thought of that poem in years. It's funny how something so sad can bring you such comfort.
The poet in you has probably not had a chance to breathe in a long time. Glad I could give him some air.
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Resurrection
>>>>>>Do you run as often as you jerk off?
>>>Jesus God, no. I'd collapse from exhaustion.
How many times in a day?
Where do you do it?
>>>>>>When was the last time, Mulder. Not running. Making yourself come.
>>>'Bout ten minutes ago. That whole 'reason God gave me a cock to fuck with' thing. DAMN good one, too.
Shit...
So was it...just the words, or... More than that.
>>>Yeah, I liked to run until I was just about ready to throw up. Sometimes it took that long to let go of all the shit I was dragging with me.
You know I hadn't really thought about this but I'm not sure I *can* run anymore. Not with this plastic appendage hanging off my body. Just speaking of 'dragging with me.' Maybe it'd be easier without it. God, I haven't gone out without it before. I don't know if I can.
>>>>>>I was a sprinter. I had muscles for speed, but I was asthmatic, so I got winded kind of easily.
>>>I noticed you were always breathless during our encounters. And here I thought it was me. ;-)
Yeah, and the erection was asthma symptomatic, too.
>>>Alex Krycek, farm boy. Makes a special kind of sense, actually. So you were telling the truth when you said your parents were cold war immigrants?
Yeah. They always wanted to move to America and own a farm. It was their dream. It was kind of idyllic except for my dad's rages. Even when we moved to Savannah. Before Misha left, it was wonderful. Like I said, the safest I'd ever felt. Maybe I shouldn't remember it that way. Because once Misha was gone, Dad got worse and the bullies got worse, and I couldn't stop jacking off thinking of boys and everything that felt safe suddenly just wasn't.
Mom got sick. So even when she would have stood up for me, she could only do so much. When I hurt that boy...Todd...I think I was really trying to beat the shit out of my father. And maybe even Misha for leaving me. Kind of like you were saying down there about me. I get that.
When Savannah didn't feel safe anymore, I left. I graduated early and went to college and that was that. And suddenly being gay...wasn't such a bad thing. ;) I fucked my brains out just a little bit. I was kind of high on the attention I was getting. Offers of blow jobs from guys I'd never met... Other freshmen who probably took shit in high school like I did and were now let loose in this playground. Men...seniors about to graduate...seeing me and wanting me...
It was very, very different. And I was enjoying myself. But still, nothing felt like home had. I missed it. But I only went back for holidays.
Why am I telling you all this? Mulder, I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me.
I've been lying by omission for as long as I can remember.
>>>Some of the kids...and adults, for that matter...actually believed that I had killed my own little sister and hidden the body.
God, Mulder... No kid should have to live with that.
>>>In any case, I never really had any friends. Not that I wanted any. I just wanted to fade into the woodwork and be forgotten. I pretty much got my wish, especially at home. Unlike you, I didn't learn to fight until the Academy.
How could anyone forget you?
I know it's what you wanted, how you survived...and whatever got you through, I'm all right with. But I can't imagine you fading into anything. Maybe it's because you've been a part of my life for so long...so integral, no matter how frustrating that was. I can't imagine you not being...integral.
>>>What the hell is guava juice?
Juice from a guava, Mulder. It's a fruit.
>>>And if it's still in there, I don't think I wanna see it.
Yeah, neither do I. ;)
>>>>>>The clove and sage candle perched on the lip of the tub?
>>>Are you a bubblebather, Alex?
No bubbles. Just deep, steaming water. I like to soak. The bath's the only place I ever just stop. The place I'm still. Plus the doctors say it's good for my arm. Whatever. Not gonna make it grow back. But it does feel good sometimes. Helps with the ache.
>>>>>>The salve I keep in the medicine cabinet for the arm sores?
>>>I hope you took that with you.
There's always some in my bag.
>>>>>>I'm an open book to you, Mulder. Just try me.
>>>Am I really in some padded room somewhere, staring into space with a big, dumb, oblivious smile on my face?
That good, huh? ;)
I could shoot myself for talking to you like this. I really don't know if it's a latent death wish or some kind of outrageous fetish I'm indulging. It's not me. Or at least, I think it's not. But when I think of stopping. Of trying to stop...
I didn't know I could hurt there still.
>>>Packed. Along with Plan 9 From Outer Space. Don't try to argue with me on this one, Krycek.
Wouldn't think of it, Mulder.
>>>And as I said, when you showed up sans one arm with information and a kiss, I let go of some of that stupid bullshit and finally started really trying to *see* you.
Do you know I didn't even know I was going to kiss you until I did it? And I never told the Brit, who was the one who sent me there to you in the first place. I told him everything else. But I couldn't tell him that. And that fact that I couldn't...wasn't telling him...told me an awful lot about what it meant.
Still, I turned it off. Or I thought I did.
Of all the men I've jacked off thinking about in my life... I haven't so much as touched myself thinking of you. The one person I'd kill to have.
And I still haven't. I'm sitting here hard. And I'm scared shitless to actually do it. What a fucked up mess...
>>>>>>Are we...friends, Mulder? Is that what this is?
>>>Do you want the truth? Hope so. I think we're...more.
Do you believe in chaos theory? That a dog barks and halfway across the world, there's an earthquake? The butterfly wings and the tsunami?
I feel the howling winds, the ground splitting under me. Where was the damned butterfly?
>>>>>>I think the trick is in having both...yourself and the object of your devotion.
>>>I think the only way to have both is to learn to listen to your heart. And to risk it, even if it means that it gets broken. I'm beginning to think that's better than closing it off completely, because when you do that, you kill any chance for happiness at all and then what's the point? I speak from experience.
I'm beginning to think I had to have my arm cut off to get my heart back. It scares me to think of it as a gift. Because I don't think I could live through it again, Mulder. I didn't know the body could feel so much pain and just...keep going. I willed myself to die. And I've *never* done that. I wondered why it didn't kill me.
Is this why?
>>>Never doubt that I'm paying attention to you. I never seem to be able to help myself.
Even over this computer...it makes my skin itch. Are we really going to see each other in four days? Are you sure really seeing me...isn't going to bring it all back? The anger and the hurt? Everything that it feels like we've shed here.
>>>>>>I limited myself to a good, unhealthy fascination.
>>>Sounds kind of familiar.
I'm scared to look in your eyes, Mulder. You burn like a torch. Always before I could make myself because I didn't know... I didn't let myself want anything. And I sure as hell didn't let myself think about you seeing anything in me besides what you were supposed to see, or always seemed to see.
This stings. I can feel you from here... God...
>>>>>>Nothing I had to sweat too bad. It's good to be a little obsessed with your work, right? I was just putting a lot of thought into my assignment.
>>>God, the energy of our combined "thought" could have powered a small city.
And now...
>>>>>>>>>Don't you like to get messy, Alex? Rub things between your fingers and thumb and then lick off the results?
>>>>>>You're too smart not to know what you're doing.
>>>But is it working?
Doesn't it usually work for you? When you turn it on like that? You should be illegal.
>>>>>>How does Savannah sound? Five days from now.
>>>Where do you want me?
Goddamnit, Mulder.
;)
For now...meet me at 445 Jasmine Dr. Sending a scanned Mapquest for you. I'll be there by about four PM Saturday. The nurse's name is Joanna Reed. I trust her. We've helped each other out before.
Do you have an alibi ready for where you're going to be and why?
>>>>>>>>>I think you're forgetting that the reason you gave *her* the codes was because you had figured out that you needed me to get a piece of that Messiah action.
>>>>>>I didn't know about that yet, Mulder.
>>>Then why?
I've been thinking that over a lot.
I don't know, Mulder. I knew I couldn't just let them do that to you. I'm not sure it goes much further than that. Not consciously.
>>>>>>I didn't stop to rape you because I was too busy trying to get all those pesky artifacts that were driving you out of your skull. If that was my chance, I'd miss it again.
>>>Well, I didn't say it was your *last* chance.
You're sick. ;) I like it.
I've gone from no chance in hell to...whatever this is. I find myself wondering what I've done. I wanna keep doing it. I don't want to fuck this up, Mulder.
I want the chance. My chance. I don't care if I deserve it. Or I'm trying not to care. It's all I can think about.
>>>>>>One minute you have me seething and the next... And the next you've got me wondering if you're the reason God gave me a cock to fuck with.
>>>Then it *is* working.
What, you? Yeah, you're working Mulder. You're working me good. I hurt for you.
>>>>>>You're such an asshole. Why does that just make me want you more?
>>>I hope that doesn't mean I have to go back to hitting you to get laid.
You don't have to go back. You don't have to do anything.
I think it's really dangerous for me to assume anything here. You can get laid, Mulder. You can have anything you want. You wanna fuck me? You can fuck me. You wanna get fucked? I can do that. Wanna live your fantasies? I'm more than willing and I think you know that. But I'm not counting on anything. You should know that, too. I'm wary as all hell and I'm more concerned with keeping you safe than getting my cock in you so... It's your game. Whatever you need. Whatever you can handle. Whatever you want from me.
>>>>>>What are we doing?
>>>Nothing but some fantasizing and major jerking off, yet. But I'm booking the ticket as soon as I'm finished with this email.
See above.
>>>>>>Wanna drink with me, Mulder?
>>>Can't. Still gettin' off them narcotics. But I'll get stoned on them while you drink the Coors. Damn. Drinking American beer in Germany. That's punishable by death in some parts. Must be...some powerful homesickness.
Yeah. Pretty fucked up, huh? I never thought... Well, I never thought a lot of things. Least of which that I'd get sick of being alone. That I'd hate it. That I'd be the kind of person that packs four days ahead of time with an absent smile on their face thinking of...home.
>>>Hey, yeah, where *were* you when I was in college? How old are you, anyway? I'm not about to go off the official record on anything when it comes to you.
Hmmm, well when you were in college... Freshman year was 1978? Well, I was probably milking a cow or having sleep-overs with Joey Greenburg and trying to feel his cock while he was asleep. I was eleven, Mulder.
That freak you out?
Think of it this way, by the time you graduated in '82, I was fifteen, cut, and wanting to fuck so bad I was jerking off three times a day to stave it off.
Feel better?
;)
>>>>>>My pleasure. I can't believe how much I smiled while I typed that. You seem to have this gift of...unlocking me...or something.
>>>But only when I'm finished playing with you in the cuffs.
Mmm, first base.
>>>Sorry. More of that humor to diffuse a tense situation. I think I can explain this...gift...a little better when we get together.
Okay. I trust you.
>>>The poet in you has probably not had a chance to breathe in a long time. Glad I could give him some air.
I thought he was dead. Thank you for the resurrection.
I owe you, Mulder.
A
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Payback
>>>How many times in a day?
On average? Two or three. More if I have the unique combination of spare time, privacy, and extra tension.
>>>Where do you do it?
The couch, every morning and every night. The shower usually, too. For the impromptu times...sometimes right at my desk, when Scully leaves to get herself a nonfat, sugar-free half-caff latte. On stakeouts, in the car. I carry wetwipes like most guys carry condoms.
>>>So was it...just the words, or... More than that.
It's your voice. Saying the words. To me. About me. You watching me while I do it. Looking into your eyes as I come.
>>>You know I hadn't really thought about this but I'm not sure I *can* run anymore. Not with this plastic appendage hanging off my body. Just speaking of 'dragging with me.' Maybe it'd be easier without it. God, I haven't gone out without it before. I don't know if I can.
It's just a matter of balance. If you learned to fight with it, you can learn to run with it. I would imagine you've trained yourself to fight with and without the prosthetic. I'd advise the same with the running, so that you don't have to worry about it.
Of course, if the prophecies are true, I'll just put my hands on you and take care of it once and for all.
>>>Yeah, and the erection was asthma symptomatic, too.
A rare but intriguing manifestation of allergies. That probably explains mine, too.
>>>Why am I telling you all this?
Because I *asked*, Alex. Because I really wanna know. Like I said, I always have. You're fulfilling one of my oldest fantasies.
>>>Mulder, I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me.
Are you sorry? I'm not. There's a shitload in my life I'm sorry for, but getting to know you, finally and for real, is *not* included.
>>>I've been lying by omission for as long as I can remember.
I guess I probably bring the skeletons out of the closet and swing them around myself rather than leaving them in there as possible ammunition for someone to find and use against me. Like when you spied on my cybers and thought you could embarass me. ;-) If I don't hide my dirty laundry, no one can use it against me. And if people can't handle it, they can just damned well stop looking at it. I actually made sure Scully would find my porn vids at work right away so I wouldn't have to worry about hiding them.
>>>>>>Some of the kids...and adults, for that matter...actually believed that I had killed my own little sister and hidden the body.
>>>God, Mulder... No kid should have to live with that.
I grew up fast. The worst part is sometimes my father would look at me like he believed it, too. I have no idea what he was actually thinking when he would do that. My mother just stopped looking at me altogether.
>>>How could anyone forget you?
I dressed to blend into the woodwork. I didn't speak. I didn't make eye contact with anyone. I lived in my books and magazines. I'm sure you know how to make yourself invisible if need be. So do I.
>>>I know it's what you wanted, how you survived...and whatever got you through, I'm all right with. But I can't imagine you fading into anything. Maybe it's because you've been a part of my life for so long...so integral, no matter how frustrating that was. I can't imagine you not being...integral.
I don't hide anymore. Phoebe actually has a lot to do with that. I guess maybe I just figured out the positive in that experience. She forced me to bare everything, to do things I never would have chosen on my own. Humiliating me was her favorite aphrodisiac. She wouldn't let me hide or even cover my nakedness. She never missed a trick, even spying on me constantly under the guise of suspecting me of cheating on her, when all the while it was she who was fucking around on me. She made me her public plaything, and I got used to having my every move witnessed and noted.
When I finally left England and her and went into the Academy, I'd gained a confidence that let me be a freak but be totally out about it. It didn't make me friends, but neither did hiding, and being myself led to me finding the X-files and finally feeling like there was a reason I'd been spared. Justification for my existence. So I guess I have her to thank for giving me that.
>>>Plus the doctors say it's good for my arm. Whatever. Not gonna make it grow back. But it does feel good sometimes. Helps with the ache.
I never thought about it hurting like that. I'm glad the baths help. I hope I can, too.
>>>>>>Am I really in some padded room somewhere, staring into space with a big, dumb, oblivious smile on my face?
>>>That good, huh? ;)
Honestly? Yes. If I were lost in some hallucinogenic world where I created my deepest fantasies, finally getting to understand you would be one of the first. I never would have imagined more, though, even in my wildest fantasies.
>>>I could shoot myself for talking to you like this. I really don't know if it's a latent death wish
I would never use any of this against you. I'm sorry you believe that of me. You really can trust me, Alex.
>>>or some kind of outrageous fetish I'm indulging.
A fetish for sharing on a heart level and getting past all the violence and stupid macho posturing? I wonder if there are any good websites for that one...
>>>It's not me. Or at least, I think it's not.
Do you want it to be? That's all that matters.
>>>But when I think of stopping. Of trying to stop...
>>>I didn't know I could hurt there still.
Knock it off, then.
>>>Do you know I didn't even know I was going to kiss you until I did it? And I never told the Brit, who was the one who sent me there to you in the first place. I told him everything else. But I couldn't tell him that. And that fact that I couldn't...wasn't telling him...told me an awful lot about what it meant.
A lot like me choosing not to tell Scully where I got the information. Just you and me in our own world, everyone else outside of it because they'd never understand.
>>>Of all the men I've jacked off thinking about in my life... I haven't so much as touched myself thinking of you. The one person I'd kill to have.
The question is, once you've had me, will you still feel the same?
>>>Do you believe in chaos theory? That a dog barks and halfway across the world, there's an earthquake? The butterfly wings and the tsunami?
Yes.
>>>I'm beginning to think I had to have my arm cut off to get my heart back. It scares me to think of it as a gift. Because I don't think I could live through it again, Mulder. I didn't know the body could feel so much pain and just...keep going. I willed myself to die. And I've *never* done that. I wondered why it didn't kill me.
>>>Is this why?
I think that's for you to answer. I will say that I've done a lot of research on near-death experiences and how they can totally transform someone's life. Wake them up, as it were. Resurrect parts of their soul they didn't even know were lost.
>>>Even over this computer...it makes my skin itch. Are we really going to see each other in four days? Are you sure really seeing me...isn't going to bring it all back? The anger and the hurt? Everything that it feels like we've shed here.
I'm sorry you're afraid to see me. I think when we get back together, things are going to make even more sense than they do here. But I understand why you would be afraid that I would slip back into my fabulous old self.
I know what I really wanted when I was hitting you, Alex. And I'm not willing to settle anymore.
>>>I'm scared to look in your eyes, Mulder.
I have to admit I'm a little afraid, too, Alex. It's always been such an intense experience. I can't imagine what it will be like now. But I want it. I want it all.
>>>And I sure as hell didn't let myself think about you seeing anything in me besides what you were supposed to see, or always seemed to see.
And now I'm going to *see* you. And you'll *see* me.
>>>This stings. I can feel you from here... God...
I felt you from your first email. Just breathe, Alex. I can hear you hyperventilating from here. ;-)
>>>>>>God, the energy of our combined "thought" could have powered a small city.
>>>And now...
A planet, I'm thinking.
>>>Doesn't it usually work for you? When you turn it on like that?
Online? Yeah, it works. Offline? Most people just blow me off.
>>>You should be illegal.
You know what they say. 'When Mulder's outlawed, only an outlaw will have Mulder.' Or something like that. ;-)
>>>>>>Where do you want me?
>>>Goddamnit, Mulder.
0:-)
>>>For now...meet me at 445 Jasmine Dr. Sending a scanned Mapquest for you. I'll be there by about four PM Saturday. The nurse's name is Joanna Reed. I trust her. We've helped each other out before.
See you then.
>>>Do you have an alibi ready for where you're going to be and why?
For Scully? Yes. I told her I'm going on a spa retreat in the Pokonos for two weeks, complete with outdoor UFO nightwatches. If I'm away longer than that, we'll deal with it. I'm on leave from work so she's the only one who'll miss me, anyway.
>>>I've gone from no chance in hell to...whatever this is. I find myself wondering what I've done. I wanna keep doing it.
Well, it started with you laughing at my jokes instead of wanting to strangle me. And it started with me letting myself smile at you. I think we should just keep that up.
>>>I don't want to fuck this up, Mulder.
Relax. We have a lot more on our side than we ever imagined.
>>>I want the chance. My chance. I don't care if I deserve it. Or I'm trying not to care. It's all I can think about.
You're hyperventilating again. I'm afraid that if you *don't* jerk off soon you're going to pass out and miss your flight. It's all right. This is happening. Just let go, Alex, and try to stop worrying.
>>>Yeah, you're working, Mulder. You're working me good. I hurt for you.
It makes me throb to hear that, but now I want you to feel good for me.
>>>I think it's really dangerous for me to assume anything here. You can get laid, Mulder. You can have anything you want. You wanna fuck me? You can fuck me. You wanna get fucked? I can do that. Wanna live your fantasies? I'm more than willing and I think you know that.. But I'm not counting on anything. You should know that, too. I'm wary as all hell and I'm more concerned with keeping you safe than getting my cock in you so... It's your game. Whatever you need. Whatever you can handle. Whatever you want from me.
God, Alex. You're getting very real, here, and I want you to know I'm stunned and humbled. I'm not that good at getting real, myself. I live in my sardonic innuendo. I breathe flirtation and eat double entendres for breakfast.
But this is real. I want you. How do I want you? I don't know. Not sure I care. I just know my body wants to touch your body. My hands buzz with the need to be on you. I desperately want to know how you taste. That low growl in the dark?
I want it.
>>>>>>Must be...some powerful homesickness.
>>>Yeah. Pretty fucked up, huh? I never thought... Well, I never thought a lot of things. Least of which that I'd get sick of being alone. That I'd hate it. That I'd be the kind of person that packs four days ahead of time with an absent smile on their face thinking of...home.
I've always been pretty happy with being alone, too. I never thought I'd meet somebody who'd want the same whacked-out things out of life that I do. Sure as hell never thought it was going to be a man. Sure as DAMNhell never thought it'd be you.
I'd apologize here for making assumptions, but the translation's pretty clear, and you have been, too. I'm trying to follow suit, but like I said, I'm not good at getting real.
But I really hope you get what I'm saying, and that I'm not saying too much too soon.
>>>Hmmm, well when you were in college... Freshman year was 1978? Well, I was probably milking a cow or having sleep-overs with Joey Greenburg and trying to feel his cock while he was asleep. I was eleven, Mulder.
>>>That freak you out?
A little. But then, freaky can be good.
>>>Think of it this way, by the time you graduated in '82, I was fifteen, cut, and wanting to fuck so bad I was jerking off three times a day to stave it off.
>>>Feel better?
Yeah, now that I jacked myself dizzy thinking about that. Oh God...I might have to go again...
>>>>>>But only when I'm finished playing with you in the cuffs.
>>>Mmm, first base.
I don't want you to feel you have to bottom to me, Alex. From what you've said, you're most comfortable topping. Don't feel like you owe me anything. I don't want this to be about that. Plus, I have no actual experience with man on man sex and might suck.
Heh.
>>>>>>The poet in you has probably not had a chance to breathe in a long time. Glad I could give him some air.
>>>I thought he was dead. Thank you for the resurrection.
>>>I owe you, Mulder.
There's already plenty in it for me, too, Alex.
But if you insist, I'll do my best to think of something. ;-)
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: For you
>>>>>>How many times in a day? ... Where do you do it?
>>>On average? Two or three. More if I have the unique combination of spare time, privacy, and extra tension.
>>>The couch, every morning and every night. The shower usually, too. For the impromptu times...sometimes right at my desk, when Scully leaves to get herself a nonfat, sugar-free half-caff latte. On stakeouts, in the car. I carry wetwipes like most guys carry condoms.
I'm astromically sorry I asked. My conjecturings were bad enough. Now they're confirmed and then some. Goddamn, Mulder... You *are* why sex was invented. That no man has ever had a taste of that beautiful body or that libido in over-drive... As wrong as that is, I am eternally grateful.
;)
>>>It's your voice. Saying the words. To me. About me. You watching me while I do it. Looking into your eyes as I come.
Fuck. Oh, fuck... Mulder... berightback
Why'd you push me like that? I can't go back now. I came for you. Do you know what that means?
It's already happened. All that shit in my last email about it being your game...not assuming anything...in essence, not engaging in this myself body, heart, and soul... It's all bullshit, now. I WANT this! I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone, maybe anything. You did this to me, you sexy, teasing, masturbating son of a bitch.
I hope you're happy.
>>>I would imagine you've trained yourself to fight with and without the prosthetic. I'd advise the same with the running, so that you don't have to worry about it.
>>>Of course, if the prophecies are true, I'll just put my hands on you and take care of it once and for all.
God.
Oh, God, Mulder.
I have to tell you something. I need you to know. That's why I'm doing this. Well, there's more now. A lot more. But that was everything when this all started. I didn't know how I was going to get you to do it. Manipulation. Threats. Begging. Whoring myself to you. Anything. I was willing to do anything, say anything...just to make you make me whole again. If it was true.
To see you say that... You mean it, don't you? You're so honest. You're so good. You'd really do it. Wouldn't you? You'd give me what I want. Even though I hurt you and hurt you and hurt you some more. Shit...
>>>>>>Yeah, and the erection was asthma symptomatic, too.
>>>A rare but intriguing manifestation of allergies. That probably explains mine, too.
I took a little walk, and I'm back now to answer this.
Do you know I used to explain it away as me just getting off on the danger? I really thought I was hot for you wanting to kill me...that maybe this time, you really would. I thought the farther you squeezed the trigger, the closer I'd get to coming.
I was an idiot. Like I said before, I have NEVER had a death wish. Convenient that one just showed up right then so that I could have my hard- on for you! Jesus...
>>>>>>Mulder, I'm sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me.
>>>Are you sorry? I'm not. There's a shitload in my life I'm sorry for, but getting to know you, finally and for real, is *not* included.
I guess I'm not. I'm scared. But I wouldn't give this up for anything.
>>> I actually made sure Scully would find my porn vids at work right away so I wouldn't have to worry about hiding them.
What did she say? Did you have same-sex shit in there? Felching???
You've got balls, Mulder.
And yes, I know because of the Speedo. Cold water be damned. You're hung and you know it. ;)
>>>The worst part is sometimes my father would look at me like he believed it, too. I have no idea what he was actually thinking when he would do that.
Maybe that it was his fault and not yours. That absolutely NONE of it was your fault at all. Other people's guilt looks so much like blame sometimes.
I'm afraid to write this. Because God knows I have no right to denegrade him. He and I were both tools for them. And we both hurt you. But you were his son. And he could have made sure his decisions weren't painted to be yours. I'm sick to think of it.
>>>>>>Plus the doctors say it's good for my arm. Whatever. Not gonna make it grow back. But it does feel good sometimes. Helps with the ache.
>>>I never thought about it hurting like that. I'm glad the baths help. I hope I can, too.
It's hard to let myself even read that. Everything about it seems...impossible. The fact that I've never let anyone touch me there, or even look too long. That if I think about it as a possibility, this thing clicks in me that tells me to stop, not to hope.
I wonder if it will hurt. How much of it you could heal. If it'll make you sick to...look at me.
And finally...that you actually want to help me. Tht does things to me, Mulder... Breaks something open that I'm not ready to deal with yet.
>>>If I were lost in some hallucinogenic world where I created my deepest fantasies, finally getting to understand you would be one of the first. I never would have imagined more, though, even in my wildest fantasies.
I wouldn't have imagined of myself either. I've thought I was this one thing for so long. Not only am I maybe more... Maybe I'm not that one thing at all.
>>>I would never use any of this against you. I'm sorry you believe that of me. You really can trust me, Alex.
I don't believe it of you. I've been submerged in fear so long, though, that I didn't even recognize that it was drowning me. I thought I was breathing.
>>>A fetish for sharing on a heart level and getting past all the violence and stupid macho posturing? I wonder if there are any good websites for that one...
We could start one. For all the other FBI and double agents out there trying to make it work. ;)
>>>>>>It's not me. Or at least, I think it's not.
>>>Do you want it to be? That's all that matters.
It is?
Well...shit...
>>>>>>But when I think of stopping. Of trying to stop...
>>>>>>I didn't know I could hurt there still.
>>>Knock it off, then.
LMAO!!!
Thanks. I needed that.
>>>>>>Do you know I didn't even know I was going to kiss you until I did it? And I never told the Brit ...
>>>A lot like me choosing not to tell Scully where I got the information. Just you and me in our own world, everyone else outside of it because they'd never understand.
I should have gone with you that night. I felt it in the marrow of my bones, Mulder.
I want to touch you. I want it right now. I've ached since that night.
>>>I think when we get back together, things are going to make even more sense than they do here. But I understand why you would be afraid that I would slip back into my fabulous old self.
Wasn't *all* bad. You did take it into your head to rub yourself against me quite a lot. ;)
>>>I know what I really wanted when I was hitting you, Alex. And I'm not willing to settle anymore.
I don't know what to say to you. God, you blow my mind, Mulder...
>>>And now I'm going to *see* you. And you'll *see* me.
Yeah. Heavy shit. Three days.
>>>>>>This stings. I can feel you from here... God...
>>>I felt you from your first email.
God...
>>>Just breathe, Alex. I can hear you hyperventilating from here. ;-)
Shit. :) You know me well. That or you are psychic again.
>>>>>>Doesn't it usually work for you? When you turn it on like that?
>>>Online? Yeah, it works. Offline? Most people just blow me off.
Idiots. Blind, deaf, numb idiots.
>>>>>>You should be illegal.
>>>You know what they say. 'When Mulder's outlawed, only an outlaw will have Mulder.' Or something like that. ;-)
LMAO!!!
I like that saying. One to live by.
>>>>>>>>>Where do you want me?
>>>>>>Goddamnit, Mulder.
>>>0:-)
Yeah, right. Lookin' a little tarnished there, o' he who would like not one but TWO cocks stuffed into his mouth at the same time! ;)
>>>>>>For now...meet me at 445 Jasmine Dr.
>>>See you then.
Yep.
So, Mulder...
You scared?
>>>>>>Do you have an alibi ready for where you're going to be and why?
>>>For Scully? Yes. I told her I'm going on a spa retreat in the Pokonos for two weeks, complete with outdoor UFO nightwatches.
GOOD one!
>>>>>>I don't want to fuck this up, Mulder.
>>>Relax. We have a lot more on our side than we ever imagined.
I'll try. I'm no good at relaxed. Even in the bath sometimes. But I will try. For you.
>>>>>>I want the chance. My chance. I don't care if I deserve it. Or I'm trying not to care. It's all I can think about.
>>>>>>Yeah, you're working, Mulder. You're working me good. I hurt for you.
>>>It makes me throb to hear that, but now I want you to feel good for me.
I think I do.
>>>But this is real. I want you. How do I want you? I don't know. Not sure I care. I just know my body wants to touch your body. My hands buzz with the need to be on you. I desperately want to know how you taste. That low growl in the dark?
>>>I want it.
Most people just type one-handed at this point, don't they? Fuck, Mulder, I haven't come this much in one day in a long, long time.
>>>I've always been pretty happy with being alone, too. I never thought I'd meet somebody who'd want the same whacked-out things out of life that I do. Sure as hell never thought it was going to be a man. Sure as DAMNhell never thought it'd be you.
>>>I'd apologize here for making assumptions, but the translation's pretty clear, and you have been, too. I'm trying to follow suit, but like I said, I'm not good at getting real.
>>>But I really hope you get what I'm saying, and that I'm not saying too much too soon.
No, Mulder. Not too much. And too soon? How long have we known each other? I've felt you and me in my blood for as long...maybe longer... I know that sounds crazy. I've denied this for so long I thought there was nothing to deny. I feel things I can't even talk about. Not even sure what words to use. Maybe I'll know when I touch you. Maybe you'll just know without me having to say a thing.
>>>...freaky can be good.
Very good. *licks lip* All those naughty things you want... I want to give them to you, Mulder.
>>>>>>Think of it this way, by the time you graduated in '82, I was fifteen, cut, and wanting to fuck so bad I was jerking off three times a day to stave it off.
>>>>>>Feel better?
>>>Yeah, now that I jacked myself dizzy thinking about that. Oh God...I might have to go again...
Me, too. Shit...
>>>I don't want you to feel you have to bottom to me, Alex. From what you've said, you're most comfortable topping. Don't feel like you owe me anything. I don't want this to be about that. Plus, I have no actual experience with man on man sex and might suck.
>>>Heh.
;)
Most men who've never been with another man feel better topping at first. Of course, you're not most men.
I can't deny that the thought of slowly sliding my cock up your ass gets me harder than anything else in this world can. (And can apparently make me come harder than anything, too.) But that doesn't mean I don't want to feel yours inside me.
I guess we'll see. Won't we?
A
p.s. I haven't been sleeping in my bed. I'm not sure why I needed to tell you that. But I did.
From: Salacious@hotmail.com
To: EzraP@zonemail.net
Subject: Lock and key
>>>I'm astromically sorry I asked. My conjecturings were bad enough. Now they're confirmed and then some. Goddamn, Mulder... You *are* why sex was invented. That no man has ever had a taste of that beautiful body or that libido in over-drive... As wrong as that is, I am eternally grateful.
The translation does say something about the Chosen One...hey, whaddya say we just call it the C.O. so I don't feel so incredibly weird every time I talk about it. Anyway...it says something about the C.O. and the...well, the word most directly translates to help-mate in some passages...anyway, the C.O. and the help-mate are both the *only* key and lock for one another in this lifetime.
Keys and locks. Kinky. I like that in an ancient prophecy.
>>>Fuck. Oh, fuck... Mulder... berightback
Oh yeah, Alex, give it to me.
>>>Why'd you push me like that? I can't go back now. I came for you. Do you know what that means?
You're not going to have an aneurism from a terminal case of blue balls and miss your flight?
>>>It's already happened. All that shit in my last email about it being your game...not assuming anything...in essence, not engaging in this myself body, heart, and soul... It's all bullshit, now. I WANT this! I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone, maybe anything.
According to the translation, that's the way it's supposed to be, Alex. And according to the translation...I'm yours.
>>>You did this to me, you sexy, teasing, masturbating son of a bitch.
LOL!
>>>I hope you're happy.
I hope we both are.
>>>I have to tell you something. I need you to know. That's why I'm doing this. Well, there's more now. A lot more. But that was everything when this all started. I didn't know how I was going to get you to do it. Manipulation. Threats. Begging. Whoring myself to you. Anything. I was willing to do anything, say anything...just to make you make me whole again. If it was true.
Alex, I know that. I knew that from the beginning.
>>>To see you say that... You mean it, don't you? You're so honest. You're so good. You'd really do it. Wouldn't you? You'd give me what I want. Even though I hurt you and hurt you and hurt you some more. Shit...
Everything has happened the way it was supposed to. It's my destiny to make you whole again, Alex. And it's your destiny to do the same for me. Don't sweat it.
>>>Do you know I used to explain it away as me just getting off on the danger? I really thought I was hot for you wanting to kill me...that maybe this time, you really would. I thought the farther you squeezed the trigger, the closer I'd get to coming.
We must have tuned into the same fucked-up wavelength. Not that I wanted to kill you. I never did. The time I tried I was out of my mind on the drugs. But hurting you...I convinced myself that I was hard because it was such a rush to hurt you. I didn't even let myself imagine it might be because it was such a rush to touch you. To be near you.
>>>>>> I actually made sure Scully would find my porn vids at work right away so I wouldn't have to worry about hiding them.
>>>What did she say? Did you have same-sex shit in there? Felching???
LOL! Oh God, no. If they make those videos, I don't want to know where they sell them. No, just some relatively soft-core stuff that I knew wouldn't offend her. Too much. ;-) All het. I've never been anything but on my best professional behavior with Scully. I've never wanted to endanger our working partnership. Plus she's SO not my type.
>>>Other people's guilt looks so much like blame sometimes.
Yes, it does.
>>>I'm afraid to write this. Because God knows I have no right to denegrade him. He and I were both tools for them. And we both hurt you. But you were his son. And he could have made sure his decisions weren't painted to be yours. I'm sick to think of it.
Maybe I needed that to make me strong, or to strengthen my resolve to find out what *did* happen. I don't know, but I've come to believe everything happens for a reason. And my increased moments of clarity are showing me what a lot of those are. I'll have to give this one more thought.
>>>I wonder if it will hurt.
I don't know. I hope not. You've had enough pain.
>>>How much of it you could heal.
I don't know that, either.
>>>If it'll make you sick to...look at me.
Alex, I'm *hungry* for you. All of you. And it's not as though I'm squeamish about wounds, for God's sake. I've probably seen a hell of a lot freakier stuff than you have. I usually don't feel much more than fascination and curiosity, along with the compassion for the sufferer, of course. It won't make me sick to look at you. It does make me sick to think of it happening, though. Even if it was necessary for us to find each other like this.
>>>And finally...that you actually want to help me. That does things to me, Mulder... Breaks something open that I'm not ready to deal with yet.
We're going to help each other.
>>>I don't believe it of you. I've been submerged in fear so long, though, that I didn't even recognize that it was drowning me. I thought I was breathing.
I understand. It becomes a way of life, to be afraid, to not trust. It's a hard habit to break. Don't beat yourself up over not being able to stop right away. I don't take it personally.
>>>We could start one. For all the other FBI and double agents out there trying to make it work. ;)
LOL...XXXfiles.com?
>>>>>>Do you want it to be? That's all that matters.
>>>It is?
Yes. Who do you want to be?
>>>>>>Knock it off, then.
>>>LMAO!!!
>>>Thanks. I needed that.
You're welcome. I *really* want to hear you laugh.
>>>I should have gone with you that night. I felt it in the marrow of my bones, Mulder.
I felt it, too. But I didn't know how to ask. Plus I don't think I recovered the power of speech after that kiss for about fifteen minutes, and by that time you were long gone.
>>>I want to touch you. I want it right now. I've ached since that night.
Soon.
I was worried that you might be putting me on some kind of untouchable pedestal, and God knows I don't want that! I'm touchable, dammit! I'm very, very touchable! Don't forget that, okay?
>>>Wasn't *all* bad. You did take it into your head to rub yourself against me quite a lot. ;)
You noticed. I'll probably still want to do that. Quite a lot.
>>>Heavy shit. Three days.
Two now.
>>>Shit. :) You know me well. That or you are psychic again.
Kind of a lot of both, actually, and working together synergistically.
>>>>>>Online? Yeah, it works. Offline? Most people just blow me off.
>>>Idiots. Blind, deaf, numb idiots.
Or maybe it's just not meant for them.
>>>>>>0:-)
>>>Yeah, right. Lookin' a little tarnished there, o' he who would like not one but TWO cocks stuffed into his mouth at the same time! ;)
Hey, not for REAL. ;-) I'm not sure how I'll even do with the one. I'm willing to learn, though. Know a good coach?
>>> So, Mulder...
>>>You scared?
Of viewing the tablet? You may not believe this, but no. I'm exhilarated. I don't know how to explain it. Even if it kills me, I have to do it. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. I couldn't live without having done this. I know that, now.
>>>I'm no good at relaxed. Even in the bath sometimes. But I will try. For you.
I know a couple of good ways to get loose. I'd like to help you with both of them. ;-)
>>>Most people just type one-handed at this point, don't they? Fuck, Mulder, I haven't come this much in one day in a long, long time.
You're in training. ;-) You gotta get up to speed so you're able to keep up with me.
So...speaking of typing one-handed...do you use the prosthetic to get off? Have you ever used it on someone else? :-9
>>>I've felt you and me in my blood for as long...maybe longer... I know that sounds crazy. I've denied this for so long I thought there was nothing to deny. I feel things I can't even talk about. Not even sure what words to use. Maybe I'll know when I touch you. Maybe you'll just know without me having to say a thing.
I do know. I know about all of it. As for the words to use...well, I've used a couple of them already.
>>>All those naughty things you want... I want to give them to you, Mulder.
I did mention that most of them are just cyber-fantasies, right? You're scaring me a little here, Alex. ;-) Remember, I'm a virgin. Be gentle with me.
>>>I can't deny that the thought of slowly sliding my cock up your ass gets me harder than anything else in this world can.
God, that was a good one, Alex. I'll be using it again as soon as I finish this and get it sent off. I think I'm really okay with *not* topping the first time.
>>>But that doesn't mean I don't want to feel yours inside me.
I wanna feel you every way there is to feel you, Alex. Fuck you, suck you, feel you, kiss you, rub myself against you until I have friction burns, come until my balls ache...
>>>p.s. I haven't been sleeping in my bed. I'm not sure why I needed to tell you that. But I did.
Do you lie on the couch and picture me lying on mine, cock in hand, thinking of you?
I hope so.
M
From: EzraP@zonemail.net
To: Salacious@hotmail.com
Subject: Ready
>>>Anyway...it says something about the C.O. and the...well, the word most directly translates to help-mate in some passages...anyway, the C.O. and the help-mate are both the *only* key and lock for one another in this lifetime.
Only, huh. Certainly adds some perspective. Doesn't it?
>>>Keys and locks. Kinky. I like that in an ancient prophecy.
Does it mention anything about trains and tunnels? Plugs and sockets?
>>>>>>Fuck. Oh, fuck... Mulder... berightback
>>>Oh yeah, Alex, give it to me.
And I've *been* givin' it to you, too. It's like a dam has broken. You talking to me like that doesn't help matters.
>>>>>>Why'd you push me like that? I can't go back now. I came for you. Do you know what that means?
>>>You're not going to have an aneurism from a terminal case of blue balls and miss your flight?
Fuck no.
>>>>>>I WANT this! I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone, maybe anything.
>>>According to the translation, that's the way it's supposed to be, Alex. And according to the translation...I'm yours.
Mine...
God, I'm glad the tablet doesn't require you to be celibate or something!
>>>>>>I was willing to do anything, say anything...just to make you make me whole again. If it was true.
>>>Alex, I know that. I knew that from the beginning.
You...knew? And you were going to do it?
>>>Everything has happened the way it was supposed to. It's my destiny to make you whole again, Alex. And it's your destiny to do the same for me. Don't sweat it.
I've been sitting here with the sun filtering through these heinous curtains, and something just told me to open them. The sun is on my face now, at times so bright I have to close my eyes. It's the warmest sun I think I've ever felt. And yet it's not hot. There's a breeze kicking up outside and the leaves are blowing down the street like they're late somewhere. But I'm still. And I'm not sweating it. Mulder, I'm ready.
>>>We must have tuned into the same fucked-up wavelength.
Do you think you'll still be able to say fuck when this is all said and done? When you're the C.O. fully realized?
>>>Not that I wanted to kill you. I never did.
Never. That's quite a revelation to me, you know.
>>>The time I tried I was out of my mind on the drugs. But hurting you...I convinced myself that I was hard because it was such a rush to hurt you. I didn't even let myself imagine it might be because it was such a rush to touch you. To be near you.
In all my years of being out...of desiring men and having sex with them...I have never been drawn to somebody like this. I suppose that makes perfect sense, given what you've shared about the translation of the tablet. Still... I have to marvel at the sensation. I think I always will.
>>>>>>I wonder if it will hurt.
>>>I don't know. I hope not. You've had enough pain.
I don't care. I'd do it even if I knew it was going to feel as bad as losing it did. Plus, it being you...knowing it's you...gives me a sense of peace about it I can't even comprehend, much less explain.
>>>>>>How much of it you could heal.
>>>I don't know that, either.
I'll take what I can get.
>>>>>>If it'll make you sick to...look at me.
>>>Alex, I'm *hungry* for you.
Jesus...
>>>All of you. And it's not as though I'm squeamish about wounds, for God's sake.
Just know... They didn't do a very good job.
>>>We're going to help each other.
The extent to which you've already done that for me is unquantifiable.
>>>It becomes a way of life, to be afraid, to not trust. It's a hard habit to break. Don't beat yourself up over not being able to stop right away. I don't take it personally.
You're a different man. As different as I am. Guess these tablets work some serious mojo, huh?
>>>>>>We could start one. For all the other FBI and double agents out there trying to make it work. ;)
>>>LOL...XXXfiles.com?
bandits4lasciviouslawmen.org
;)
>>>Who do you want to be?
I'll show you.
>>>I *really* want to hear you laugh.
Then tell me the one about the French guy, the priest, and the flock of geese. Gets me every time.
>>>I was worried that you might be putting me on some kind of untouchable pedestal, and God knows I don't want that! I'm touchable, dammit! I'm very, very touchable! Don't forget that, okay?
That'll never be a problem.
>>>>>>Wasn't *all* bad. You did take it into your head to rub yourself against me quite a lot. ;)
>>>I'll probably still want to do that. Quite a lot.
That's good... A lot of that is good, Mulder. Imagine, if it was that good while we were still enemies with clothes on...
>>>>>>You know me well. That or you are psychic again.
>>>Kind of a lot of both, actually, and working together synergistically.
You gonna read my mind while we're fucking? You inside me while I'm inside you?
My cock's so hard it's leaking.
>>>>>>Yeah, right. Lookin' a little tarnished there, o' he who would like not one but TWO cocks stuffed into his mouth at the same time! ;)
>>>Hey, not for REAL. ;-)
I know. I didn't mean to scare you.
>>>I'm not sure how I'll even do with the one. I'm willing to learn, though. Know a good coach?
I can probably come from you looking at me, so I wouldn't worry about how you'll do, Mulder. My guess is, with that oral fixation you have...you're gonna do more than fine with minimal guidance from me.
All right, I gotta stop talking about this, now.
>>>>>>You scared?
>>>Of viewing the tablet? You may not believe this, but no. I'm exhilarated. I don't know how to explain it. Even if it kills me, I have to do it. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. I couldn't live without having done this. I know that, now.
I'm glad you're not scared, because I think I am.
>>>>>>Most people just type one-handed at this point, don't they?
>>>So...speaking of typing one-handed...do you use the prosthetic to get off? Have you ever used it on someone else? :-9
Do I detect a hint of kink? ;)
I've used it, yeah. On someone else...?
No.
Want me to test drive it on you?
>>>>>>All those naughty things you want... I want to give them to you, Mulder.
>>>I did mention that most of them are just cyber-fantasies, right? You're scaring me a little here, Alex. ;-) Remember, I'm a virgin. Be gentle with me.
I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted you to know your fantasies don't scare *me*. I intend to be gentle. I want to be. You don't even have to be penetrated at all if you don't want to be. I can be as much or as little as you need.
But just so you don't feel like you have to ask for everything you want... I'm going into this intending to fuck you. If you decide it's not what you want, tell me, because that's what's going to happen if you don't.
>>>I wanna feel you every way there is to feel you, Alex. Fuck you, suck you, feel you, kiss you, rub myself against you until I have friction burns, come until my balls ache...
I want to reply to this. But I can't. I have to show you. I can't say what this is. I can't say how deeply my body yearns for you.
>>>>>>p.s. I haven't been sleeping in my bed. I'm not sure why I needed to tell you that. But I did.
>>>Do you lie on the couch and picture me lying on mine, cock in hand, thinking of you?
>>>I hope so.
You don't hope it. You know it. You slipped into my mind and found it waiting for you like a chocolate on a pillow, didn't you?
I've got a plane to catch.
A
END
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