Sacred
by Satina and Shannon
Date First Posted: 3/15/05Rating: R * Pairing: M/K
Archive Permissions: Freely given, but please use HTML format to preserve the IM quality.
Disclaimers: Mulder and Krycek are not my characters. They belong to Fox and Chris Carter.
Warnings: None, really.
Summary:
Takes place after Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati, when Mulder has just come through having his brain operated on nonconsensually. Only in this version, Mulder wasn't helped by the surgery and Scully ended up committing him to a psychiatric facility.
Feedback Welcomed HERE.
Return to The M/K Shrine
inup2theballs: Mulder. I found you.inup2theballs: Do you know who this is, Mulder?
inup2theballs: This is Alex Krycek.
inup2theballs: Haven't you missed me, Mulder? I've missed you.
psychofox61: i bet.
inup2theballs: There you are. Did you have to chew your way out of those 4-points they keep you in there?
psychofox61: fuck you
inup2theballs: Hey, I didn't do it. I prefer you free to punch and kick.
psychofox61: what do you want? doesn't matter i don't have it.
inup2theballs: Sure you do. You're the only one who does.
inup2theballs: And I don't want something you have, per se. I want something you are. But first we gotta break you outta there.
psychofox61: go away
inup2theballs: C'mon, Mulder. You only want me to do that because you don't believe I can or will get your ass out.
psychofox61: leave me alone
inup2theballs: You're telling me I'm not the best thing that's happened to you all day since your orange jello?
psychofox61: lime
inup2theballs: I'm here to help you.
psychofox61: goody
inup2theballs: What'd they tranq you up on? Thorazine?
psychofox61: you're out of the loop, k. haldol's the shit now.
inup2theballs: Well, snap out of it.
psychofox61: no
inup2theballs: No? Who the fuck are you?
psychofox61: cant you read? psychofox
inup2theballs: That's not who you are.
inup2theballs: That's not *what* you are.
psychofox61: who and what am i, k?
inup2theballs: You're not crazy. And you're not psycho. You're Fox Fucking Mulder and you've got a goddamned job to do!
psychofox61: thought my middle name was william
psychofox61: like dear ol dad
inup2theballs: Is this where you say you don't want me bailing you out of there because I killed your father?
inup2theballs: Well, I don't see Scully lifting a finger!
psychofox61: sure she did. when she signed the papers.
inup2theballs: She can't do that to you.
psychofox61: why
inup2theballs: You're. Not. Crazy!
psychofox61: how do you know?
psychofox61: stumped ya there huh?
inup2theballs: What's happened to you? What the hell have they done?
psychofox61: took a piece. want another?
inup2theballs: No.
inup2theballs: I know what they did...the surgery. I also know it didn't leave you any less brilliant, less capable, or less you. Whatever you *think* they took, it's what they want you to think.
psychofox61: what do you want?
inup2theballs: I told you. I want to get you out of there. So you can fight them.
psychofox61: safe here
psychofox61: well safer
inup2theballs: *Safe* there??? Are you shitting me?
inup2theballs: You're a sitting duck. Hell, you're not even that. Ducks can swim!
psychofox61: do you like the ocean?
inup2theballs: What?
psychofox61: ocean.
inup2theballs: Why are you changing the subject? This isn't the time. We need to get you away from there before it really does make you crazy. Or kills you.
psychofox61: i like the ocean.
inup2theballs: That's great. I need you to WAKE UP.
psychofox61: it helps me not hurt.
inup2theballs: You're gonna not hurt all the way to the grave and sooner than you fucking think, Mulder.
psychofox61: what?
inup2theballs: If you stay in there, you're going to waste away. You're not meant for the mental ward, Mulder. If they don't pick you off first, you're going to die in there from depression, is that what you WANT?
psychofox61: sounds peaceful.
inup2theballs: I'm getting you out of there. Tonight.
inup2theballs: I don't care if I have to kidnap you...fucking carry you out kicking and screaming and shooting every nurse in my way. You're not meant for this.
psychofox61: please dont
inup2theballs: Is there someone there? Reading this? Making you type it?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: well
psychofox61: always
psychofox61: but not here
inup2theballs: What do you mean, not here?
psychofox61: not here physically
psychofox61: always here
inup2theballs: You mean psychically? You can still do that?
psychofox61: do what?
inup2theballs: Hear things. Thoughts.
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: Without the God Module? Without the artifacts?
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: So they really did fail. They failed utterly. All except for what's happened to you. Mulder, if you get out, you're unstoppable!
psychofox61: thank you
inup2theballs: Thank me?? Don't thank me, DO SOMETHING.
psychofox61: i'm looking at ocean pictures.
inup2theballs: I don't understand.
psychofox61: they help me not hurt.
psychofox61: the water takes my pain
psychofox61: quiets their voices
inup2theballs: Looking at pictures of the ocean stops the voices?
psychofox61: not stops
psychofox61: quiets
psychofox61: sugar helps
psychofox61: and salt
inup2theballs: Is that all you can DO for yourself, Mulder? You know, destroying him will stop your pain a lot quicker.
psychofox61: him?
inup2theballs: Spender. The man who did this to you.
psychofox61: killing him wont stop it
inup2theballs: Like hell.
psychofox61: wont stop it, k
inup2theballs: It'll stop the revival of the Project. It'll be the first step in halting renewed plans for colonization.
psychofox61: won't stop the ones inside me
inup2theballs: The ones?
psychofox61: yes the ones in my head
inup2theballs: What ones, Mulder? Who do you hear?
psychofox61: not really hear
psychofox61: feel
inup2theballs: Well, who do you feel, then?
psychofox61: sick ones
psychofox61: weak ones
psychofox61: angry ones
psychofox61: sad ones
inup2theballs: Well, stop it!
inup2theballs: Cut them off!
psychofox61: can't.
inup2theballs: Bullshit. It's the damned drugs they have you on. Get the fuck out of there, Mulder!
psychofox61: drugs help
psychofox61: like a cushion
psychofox61: soft puffy cloud pillow
inup2theballs: You can't do this right now. You can't zone out. You're needed.
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: nonono
inup2theballs: You think you get a choice in this? You think I won't kidnap you? Once you're off the drugs, out of that sick place, you'll see. You'll come back and you'll see it and you'll fucking thank me.
psychofox61: NONONONONO
inup2theballs: All right, calm down.
inup2theballs: You calm?
psychofox61: yes
inup2theballs: Mulder...this is not you. Don't you see that? Don't you get that this is what he *wants*? What they all want?
psychofox61: gotta pee brb
inup2theballs: Well, pee faster!
inup2theballs: Are you there yet?
psychofox61: back
inup2theballs: Aren't you going to answer me?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: yes i see
psychofox61: i see a lot, k
inup2theballs: Doesn't it matter, then??
psychofox61: yes it hurts
inup2theballs: What hurts??
psychofox61: i feel it
inup2theballs: Feel what.
psychofox61: when they want to hurt me
psychofox61: you dont
inup2theballs: So because you feel when they want to hurt you, you're not going to do a goddamned thing to STOP them from hurting you.
inup2theballs: And what do you mean...I don't.
psychofox61: want to hurt me
psychofox61: use me, not hurt me
inup2theballs: You know that, do you?
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: Even though I'm not right there? Even though this is all electronic?
psychofox61: lol yes
inup2theballs: Are you laughing at me?
psychofox61: yes
inup2theballs: Why?
psychofox61: you dont have to be here
psychofox61: youre so concrete
psychofox61: like a child
inup2theballs: You're laughing at me because I don't have to be here?? And how the FUCK am I like a child? You're not making any sense.
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: WHAT?
psychofox61: lmao
psychofox61: this is fun, krycek
inup2theballs: I didn't come here to amuse you.
psychofox61: i know
psychofox61: bonus
inup2theballs: Fuck you, Mulder.
psychofox61: whats the matter, k?
inup2theballs: The matter is that while you sit there looking at fabricated ocean and laughing at me, the world is going to shit.
inup2theballs: The matter is that you don't seem to give a fuck anymore.
psychofox61: what do you care about?
inup2theballs: Don't you...'know'?
psychofox61: no
inup2theballs: Is that not how it works?
psychofox61: you dont
inup2theballs: That's not how *I* work? What the hell...?
psychofox61: you dont know
inup2theballs: I don't know WHAT.
psychofox61: you care about
inup2theballs: I don't know what I care about. That's what you're saying?
psychofox61: yes
inup2theballs: If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here trying to set you free from that fucking hellhole.
psychofox61: not a hellhole
psychofox61: dont want free
inup2theballs: I'm starting to get that, Mulder. Loud and clear.
psychofox61: you care but you dont
psychofox61: you do it but you forgot why
inup2theballs: All right you cryptic son of a bitch...
inup2theballs: I'm gonna get you out of there, and you're gonna like it, and we're going to fix this thing once and for fucking all!
psychofox61: krycek, dont.
psychofox61: Please.
inup2theballs: How can I help you if you won't come with me?
psychofox61: help me what?
inup2theballs: What do you mean? Save the damned planet! The human race! Your own sorry, drug-fucked ass!
psychofox61: i dont want to
psychofox61: what is it that you care so much about saving?
inup2theballs: What is it that you don't?? Caring..saving...those are YOUR words. It's YOUR *life*.
psychofox61: theyre taking my life
inup2theballs: The hospital? I know, so let's JET.
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: not them
psychofox61: theyre saving it
psychofox61: everybody else
psychofox61: taking it. taketaketaketaketake
inup2theballs: So you're willing to lay down...give up...just give the fuck up. Everything you made your life out of...just nothing now. Is that it?
psychofox61: hooksinme
inup2theballs: If you fight for yourself, this planet, they'll get hooks in you?
psychofox61: got hooks in me.
psychofox61: because they know me
psychofox61: hooks hooks hooks
inup2theballs: All right. I get it. Hooks. We'll find a way around that. Fly off the radar...
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: What now?
psychofox61: what music do you listen to, krycek?
inup2theballs: What? Why??
psychofox61: they let me have music
psychofox61: i have ocean music
inup2theballs: What is ocean music?
psychofox61: ocean sounds, flutes, hell if i know
inup2theballs: You really plan to spend the rest of your life there. Don't you?
inup2theballs: Mulder?
psychofox61: i don't know.
inup2theballs: Christ...
inup2theballs: I really didn't think...
inup2theballs: I don't know what to say.
psychofox61: you could tell me what music you listen to
inup2theballs: What good would that do, Mulder?
psychofox61: what bad would it do?
inup2theballs: Look, I have to leave. If you really don't want out, I won't come and get you. I don't understand it. Doesn't matter. I won't.
inup2theballs: Have a great rest of your life, Mulder.
inup2theballs: ***This user is no longer on-line.***
The next day...
inup2theballs: Mulder? You there?
psychofox61: hi krycek
inup2theballs: I'm sorry to intrude on what you're calling a life now. I hope you can understand... I can't just give up.
psychofox61: good morning to you too
inup2theballs: Have they drugged you to the gills yet?
psychofox61: all the time
psychofox61: wake me up to give me sedatives
psychofox61: and im crazy?
inup2theballs: They give Haldol to psychotics, Mulder. You're a fucking psychologist. You KNOW you're not psychotic.
psychofox61: i do?
psychofox61: what is psychotic?
inup2theballs: Look, you've gotta get off that shit. I knew a guy who shot up his office on that bogus junk.
psychofox61: its rare to have a violent reaction
psychofox61: psychosis is living with blurred lines between reality and fantasy
psychofox61: what is fantasy?
inup2theballs: They didn't take a piece of your brain to get at your 'fantasies', Mulder. Just the mere fact that they consider you so powerful and dangerous gives you credibility. And Scully had you committed for it!
psychofox61: i think psychosis is living with the doors open wide
inup2theballs: So the goal in life is to keep your doors shut. Doesn't sound like you, Mulder.
psychofox61: my doors are wide open now
inup2theballs: Can't you find a way to shut them sometimes? To learn to?
psychofox61: ocean
psychofox61: ocean music
psychofox61: rain
psychofox61: thunder
psychofox61: haldol
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: Jesus...
psychofox61: maybe
inup2theballs: What can I say to make you care like you used to? To make you see the truth?
inup2theballs: Hell, to just WANT the truth again!
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: the truth the truth the truth. there is no truth.
psychofox61: these men they just make it up as they go along.
inup2theballs: Shit.
psychofox61: ;-)
psychofox61: what do you care about?
inup2theballs: Don't you want justice? If not the truth, then what?
psychofox61: you can't bring these men to justice! they're protected!
psychofox61: the laws of this country protect men like them.
inup2theballs: Oh fuck off.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: can you get them for me too?
inup2theballs: *We* could get them. Mulder. You and me. We could DO THIS.
psychofox61: krycek, theyre bleeding me dry
inup2theballs: So you give up?
psychofox61: did all i could
psychofox61: still doing it
psychofox61: cant do anymore
psychofox61: please krycek what do you care about?
inup2theballs: I care about you not thinking you're crazy!!!!!!!!!
psychofox61: why?
inup2theballs: Because! You're NOT!
psychofox61: so what if i am?
inup2theballs: God, Mulder, even if you ARE, that place is poison. That's not where you're supposed to BE.
psychofox61: where am i supposed to be?
inup2theballs: Fighting! Working! Searching!
psychofox61: tired
psychofox61: how about living?
inup2theballs: FINE!
inup2theballs: Yes!
inup2theballs: Living!
inup2theballs: What about it, Mulder? What about cooking out steak and taking a fucking jog and sleeping in your own bed and being allowed to watch fucking pornography!
psychofox61: good porn on the net
psychofox61: they cook my steak
psychofox61: too tired to jog
psychofox61: never slept in a bed. nice ones here.
inup2theballs: Quit SETTLING!
inup2theballs: For fuck's sake, Mulder!
psychofox61: krycek if you dont answer me ill fucking kick your ass
psychofox61: what do you really care about?
psychofox61: in life?
inup2theballs: I care that you still want to kick my ass.
psychofox61: why?
inup2theballs: Because not all of you is gone, then.
inup2theballs: Because there's something still there that I know.
psychofox61: why does that matter? if i wont fight?
inup2theballs: You'd still fight *me*. It's a place to start.
psychofox61: think so?
inup2theballs: It's something I can touch on. It's something that's so goddamned you it's ridiculous. I don't want all of it to just be...gone.
psychofox61: what if its not me?
psychofox61: then who am i?
inup2theballs: What if...fighting me isn't you? Come on, Mulder.
psychofox61: what if fighting isnt you? then what are you?
psychofox61: i like listening to ocean music. and guitars. what do you listen to?
inup2theballs: You rambling, asshole.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: its not rambling
psychofox61: its wise discourse.
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: See?! You're not crazy by your own admission! Why the FUCK won't you come out of there?
psychofox61: didnt say i wasnt crazy. said i didnt ramble.
psychofox61: do you like where you are? is it nice?
inup2theballs: What do you mean?
psychofox61: do you like it there?
psychofox61: is it comfortable? pretty?
inup2theballs: It's just a motel. It's nothing. Why?
psychofox61: and u want me to leave this for that?
psychofox61: my room has a view of the courtyard with a fountain.
inup2theballs: You don't have to stay *here*, for God's sake. Stay wherever you want!
psychofox61: i sit in a fat purple chair with my laptop on my crossed legs on a pillow
psychofox61: ocean music playing
psychofox61: people clean my room and bring me good food
psychofox61: they smile at me
psychofox61: call me fox. cant have everything.
inup2theballs: You have everything else? Is that what you're trying to tell me?
psychofox61: what do you have?
inup2theballs: I have the mission. A mission that you once shared.
psychofox61: you dont have much.
inup2theballs: I have what I need.
psychofox61: what color is your bedspread?
inup2theballs: What??
psychofox61: mine is slate blue
psychofox61: pima cotton sheets
psychofox61: 500 thread count according to alyson
inup2theballs: Who?
psychofox61: my attendant nurse
inup2theballs: The one who drugs you on the orders of your former partner?
psychofox61: one of them
psychofox61: yep
inup2theballs: Doesn't that fucking PISS YOU OFF???
psychofox61: what?
inup2theballs: That she did that to you? That your life is not your own? That the side of close-mindedness, blindness even, the side of ignorance over truth WINS because of what she's done to you?
psychofox61: she didnt do it
psychofox61: they did
psychofox61: i cant do my job now
psychofox61: can barely walk sometimes
inup2theballs: And you don't blame her at all?
psychofox61: i need the help
psychofox61: its a good place
psychofox61: how many people smile at you in a day?
psychofox61: they all smile at me.
psychofox61: never had that. feels amazing, krycek.
inup2theballs: Does she? Smile at you?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: she was right to do it. i need taken care of
psychofox61: i wasnt okay
psychofox61: couldnt take care of myself
psychofox61: did you want her to take me home?
psychofox61: did you?
inup2theballs: I have to go.
inup2theballs: ***This user is no longer on-line.***
Next day...
inup2theballs: It's rust-colored flowers and green leaves.
psychofox61: um eww krycek.
inup2theballs: It's actually worse than it sounds.
inup2theballs: And thanks to you, I had to stare at it and actually *see* it all night.
psychofox61: happy to help.
inup2theballs: How are you feeling today?
psychofox61: the same. you?
inup2theballs: How do I...feel?
psychofox61: yeah.
inup2theballs: Tired. I guess.
psychofox61: me too.
psychofox61: rust colored flowers?
psychofox61: you could have better.
psychofox61: now whos settling?
inup2theballs: At least I don't eat on a schedule.
psychofox61: its great. i pick my food off a menu every morning and they bring it.
psychofox61: miss sushi tho.
inup2theballs: I can have sushi night and day, Mulder.
psychofox61: do you?
inup2theballs: No.
psychofox61: what did you have for breakfast?
inup2theballs: Why?
psychofox61: because you can have anything you want.
inup2theballs: Oh.
inup2theballs: Uh, I had...a Power Bar and some coffee.
psychofox61: um eww krycek.
inup2theballs: But I could have had a three course meal at the goddamned Plaza in New York, Mulder. The point is, you can't!
psychofox61: and the point is you dont.
psychofox61: i had a cheese omelette and hashbrowns and english muffin and coffee and orange juice and fresh strawberries with raw sugar.
inup2theballs: Big deal. That's pampering, not freedom.
psychofox61: i like it.
psychofox61: freedoms just another word for nuthin left to lose
inup2theballs: Don't pull Janis Joplin like she's the word of God, Mulder. You love freedom and you know it.
psychofox61: whats your favorite breakfast?
inup2theballs: Why do you care? Just to prove your 'point'?
psychofox61: no just curious
psychofox61: mines blueberry crepes
psychofox61: real whipped cream
inup2theballs: Oh yeah? Good for you.
psychofox61: whats yours?
inup2theballs: Three cheese omelette. Sausage links -- four. Thin pancakes. Maple syrup. French roast coffee with half n' half.
psychofox61: oh yeah baby
psychofox61: have it tomorrow.
inup2theballs: Huh?
psychofox61: have. it.
inup2theballs: Me? Mulder, are you assigning me *breakfast*?
psychofox61: you can have it, so why not?
inup2theballs: I have better things to do, Mulder.
psychofox61: oh yeah? what?
inup2theballs: Try to convince you you're crazy to want to stay there when everything you've worked for your whole life is out here. Waiting for you.
psychofox61: you still have time for a good breakfast.
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: What are you, my mother all of a sudden? Did they take the piece of your brain that reminds you you hate me??
psychofox61: you remind me.
psychofox61: all the time.
psychofox61: why is that?
inup2theballs: The work is more important than your feelings for me. If you remember why you hate me, and that lights a fire under your ass...so be it, Mulder.
psychofox61: you want me to hate you?
psychofox61: thats the world you want?
inup2theballs: It doesn't matter what world I *want*. It matters what world you're *in*.
psychofox61: im not in that one.
psychofox61: sorry, k.
inup2theballs: Just because you get a good goddamned breakfast, you don't hate me anymore? What were you eating all those years? Deep-fried shit?
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: Why are you laughing?????
psychofox61: youre funny.
inup2theballs: I'm FUNNY? Since when? Your 8 AM dose?
psychofox61: since a couple days ago
inup2theballs: I don't get you.
psychofox61: i know.
psychofox61: what are you wearing?
inup2theballs: What?
psychofox61: krycek, it takes effort to focus and type
psychofox61: dont make me repeat
psychofox61: what. are. you. wearing?
inup2theballs: T- shirt. White. But dirty.
inup2theballs: Boxers. Grey.
psychofox61: yeah?
inup2theballs: Socks. Holes in the soles.
psychofox61: i had no idea you talked with me in your underwear.
inup2theballs: It's morning.
psychofox61: yep.
inup2theballs: I was looking at my fucking comforter.
psychofox61: so you couldnt put clothes on?
inup2theballs: So I...just got on my computer. What the hell's so weird about that?
psychofox61: nuthin.
psychofox61: why socks? feet cold?
inup2theballs: Yeah.
psychofox61: i dont like socks. prefer bare feet.
inup2theballs: So...you want me to...take them off??
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: on me, krycek.
inup2theballs: Oh.
psychofox61: why dirty shirt?
inup2theballs: Spilled.
psychofox61: what?
inup2theballs: Why?
psychofox61: curious
psychofox61: krycek...
psychofox61: yoohoo
inup2theballs: Hot chocolate.
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: >:-[
psychofox61: last night?
inup2theballs: Yes.
inup2theballs: Shut the hell up, Mulder.
psychofox61: ...
psychofox61: i do that too
inup2theballs: You're really, seriously bad at shutting up, aren't you?
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: What do you do?
psychofox61: drink cocoa when i cant sleep
psychofox61: gotta make it with real milk tho
inup2theballs: That's not why.
psychofox61: tryptophan
psychofox61: then why?
inup2theballs: It was in the snack room. It was free.
inup2theballs: Packets.
psychofox61: woohoo.
inup2theballs: Are you being sarcastic?
psychofox61: um no.
psychofox61: moi?
psychofox61: so you can have anything you want and you drink free motel packet cocoa.
psychofox61: but not because you cant sleep.
inup2theballs: I have to go take a piss.
inup2theballs: And I got a sandwich. Are you happy?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: what kind?
inup2theballs: Peanut butter.
psychofox61: where?
inup2theballs: Diner thing. Attached to the motel.
psychofox61: and you got pbj?
inup2theballs: No.
inup2theballs: PBS. ;-)
psychofox61: i get a wink.
psychofox61: wow
psychofox61: so what are you wearing?
inup2theballs: Blue jeans. Same T-shirt.
psychofox61: um eww krycek.
inup2theballs: I was in a hurry!
inup2theballs: I was hungry.
psychofox61: i see.
psychofox61: what music do you listen to?
inup2theballs: S = syrup.
inup2theballs: Peanutbutter n' syrup.
psychofox61: lol sorry
psychofox61: had no idea
psychofox61: eww
psychofox61: they made that for you?
inup2theballs: Of course. It's not weird.
inup2theballs: I've never heard you say eww before.
psychofox61: it so is.
psychofox61: i say it quietly.
psychofox61: actually its more of a face but im trying to convey it by im here
inup2theballs: I think I've seen the face.
psychofox61: oh?
inup2theballs: Well, less eww, more I hate your guts, Krycek.
psychofox61: not the same face.
psychofox61: :-2
inup2theballs: ?
psychofox61: >:-#
psychofox61: see?
psychofox61: not the same.
inup2theballs: That second one is my face, right?
psychofox61: yeah
psychofox61: almost exclusively
inup2theballs: Almost?
psychofox61: a few people piss me off that much
psychofox61: not many
psychofox61: so what kind of music do you listen to?
inup2theballs: Hard rock.
psychofox61: who?
inup2theballs: Disturbed. Nine Inch Nails. Godsmack.
psychofox61: of course.
inup2theballs: You...listen to them?
psychofox61: sometimes. i did. not now.
psychofox61: have to be careful.
inup2theballs: Careful?
inup2theballs: Not to rock too hard?
psychofox61: lol yeah.
psychofox61: chaotic discordant sounds can exhaust me
inup2theballs: Oh.
psychofox61: make it impossible to focus
inup2theballs: Sorry.
inup2theballs: I won't play it.
inup2theballs: Could you...get that? Through me?
psychofox61: if you are angry, scattered, yes.
psychofox61: upset
psychofox61: stressed out
inup2theballs: Am I?
inup2theballs: Now?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: nervous
psychofox61: but i can handle that
inup2theballs: I'm not nervous.
psychofox61: okay
inup2theballs: Don't condescend to me, Mulder!
psychofox61: arguing makes me tired fast
inup2theballs: Sorry.
inup2theballs: You're right.
inup2theballs: I am.
psychofox61: i know.
psychofox61: you can play your music if it doesn't make you angry
inup2theballs: Depeche Mode. Are they okay? They don't make me angry.
psychofox61: theyre great.
inup2theballs: Good. All right.
psychofox61: i cant listen to them myself tho
psychofox61: have to be very soothing
psychofox61: yanni is underrated you know
inup2theballs: LOL
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: But you used to like DM?
psychofox61: still like them
inup2theballs: Favorite?
psychofox61: song?
inup2theballs: Or album, yeah.
psychofox61: music for the masses
psychofox61: sacred
psychofox61: might be able to handle that
inup2theballs: It's pretty easy on the ears.
inup2theballs: That's the first album I ever owned of theirs. I've been listening to it for...fifteen years, I guess.
inup2theballs: So. That's your favorite album? And Sacred your favorite song?
psychofox61: yeah probably
psychofox61: i like the whole album pretty much
inup2theballs: It's all good. Really has a...flow. Almost a theme.
psychofox61: yes
inup2theballs: You've noticed?
psychofox61: i like that about it
psychofox61: i like lyrics
inup2theballs: Yeah. Me, too.
psychofox61: has a good sound too.
psychofox61: also lyrical. sexy.
inup2theballs: yeah
psychofox61: whats yours?
inup2theballs: huh?
psychofox61: album? song?
inup2theballs: Oh. Uh, I really like Ultra best. I think. (And Music for the Masses a lot.) Song? Tie between 'It's No Good' and 'Insight'.
psychofox61: fantastic album. and songs.
inup2theballs: Thanks.
inup2theballs: Not that I wrote them or anything.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: so when you write lol are you really laughing?
inup2theballs: Uh, I guess I'm...quietly...chuckling? That sounds too...merry. Like Santa. I don't make a practice of laughing too much. Or too loud.
psychofox61: but youre smiling
inup2theballs: Sometimes. Yeah.
psychofox61: me too but around here i can laugh loud and no one cares
inup2theballs: I imagine so.
inup2theballs: You're really not going to come back with me? Are you?
psychofox61: back where?
inup2theballs: Out here. Away from there. Back into it all.
psychofox61: cant
psychofox61: taken out of my hands
psychofox61: just cant fight anymore
inup2theballs: I see.
inup2theballs: All right.
inup2theballs: I can't make you. I never intended to. Much. Didn't think I'd have to.
psychofox61: much. ;-)
inup2theballs: Yeah.
inup2theballs: Mulder...
inup2theballs: I have things I need to do. I can't stay.
psychofox61: oh
inup2theballs: So I have to go.
psychofox61: you have to do these things? you sure?
inup2theballs: Yeah. I'm sure, Mulder.
psychofox61: ok
inup2theballs: Would you...mind if I came back here? Maybe tomorrow?
psychofox61: id like that.
inup2theballs: All right.
psychofox61: youre my high point now.
psychofox61: see you tomorrow krycek
inup2theballs: Tomorrow, Mulder.
inup2theballs: Take...care of yourself.
inup2theballs: ***This user is no longer on-line.***
Next day...
inup2theballs: Hi. You there?
psychofox61: hi krycek
inup2theballs: What are you wearing?
psychofox61: lol bout time
psychofox61: dark gray sweats
psychofox61: no socks
psychofox61: you?
inup2theballs: Hold on.
inup2theballs: Sweats? As in top and bottom?
psychofox61: yeah i get chills
psychofox61: then i get hot
psychofox61: white t shirt underneath for when i take off sweatshirt
inup2theballs: Okay.
inup2theballs: Me?
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: Jeans. Black ones. Grey sweater. Boots. Gonna take off the boots now.
psychofox61: good idea
psychofox61: socks?
inup2theballs: Off now. Feet not cold.
psychofox61: see, isnt that better?
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: lol
inup2theballs: Yeah. Much.
psychofox61: what did you have to do?
inup2theballs: You mean yesterday. When I left.
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: krycek?
inup2theballs: Just trying to get a lock on Spender's location now. No such luck.
psychofox61: oh
psychofox61: still rust flowers and green leaves?
inup2theballs: No, actually. I moved.
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: and??
inup2theballs: Cream and tan coverlet. Champagne satin pillowcases.
inup2theballs: I feel like a freak.
psychofox61: niiiiice
inup2theballs: A nice freak?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: pampered one anyway
inup2theballs: It's got a jacuzzi tub. >g<
psychofox61: far out
inup2theballs: Haven't used it.
psychofox61: should
psychofox61: not that you stink
psychofox61: or maybe you do
psychofox61: how the hell would i know?
inup2theballs: If I smell myself...would you know? I mean if I'm thinking about it, or experiencing it?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: unless it made you really upset
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: I'm not upset about my smell, Mulder.
psychofox61: i know
inup2theballs: You know. That's too weird, Mulder.
psychofox61: sorry.
psychofox61: i know lots of things now.
inup2theballs: Like what.
psychofox61: when someone intends to do me harm
inup2theballs: And that's why you keep IMing with me? Because I don't?
psychofox61: well thats why i did, yes
psychofox61: even though your energy was discordant at first
inup2theballs: Discordant?
inup2theballs: Was not.
psychofox61: you were pissed
psychofox61: very
psychofox61: and freaked out
psychofox61: so yeah it was
psychofox61: but with you i find that amusing so it was no problem
inup2theballs: Fuck you, Mulder. ;-)
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: So how do I feel now?
psychofox61: excited and calm at the same time
psychofox61: youre shaking a little
inup2theballs: Stop.
psychofox61: ok
inup2theballs: Look, I just... It's strange. You knowing that.
psychofox61: youre very scared now
psychofox61: im sorry
psychofox61: its okay
psychofox61: i really will stop
psychofox61: i mean
psychofox61: i cant stop all of it
psychofox61: i can still feel you scared
psychofox61: cant help that
inup2theballs: I understand. You don't have to feel...bad.
psychofox61: i can tell you how i feel to make us even
psychofox61: ?
inup2theballs: Okay.
psychofox61: feel good. better than a few days ago. more centered. chest gets pains like a knife stabbing through sometimes
psychofox61: but not lately
psychofox61: breath is shallow
psychofox61: but calmer than before
inup2theballs: Why does your chest hurt?
psychofox61: energy
psychofox61: too much
psychofox61: emotions overwhelming
psychofox61: feel others
psychofox61: hurts heart
inup2theballs: But...you're okay right now. Right?
psychofox61: feel good yes
inup2theballs: Good.
psychofox61: better when youre not scared
psychofox61: so will try not to scare you
inup2theballs: It hurts you when I'm scared?
psychofox61: yes
inup2theballs: I didn't know that.
psychofox61: not horrible, but yeah i feel it
psychofox61: in heart and gut
psychofox61: feel your fear
psychofox61: want you to feel better so i feel better
psychofox61: selfish
inup2theballs: Why don't you just want to get the hell away from me, Mulder?
psychofox61: you know me.
psychofox61: you call me mulder
psychofox61: and you dont intend to harm me
psychofox61: plus youre fun
inup2theballs: You are crazy.
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: do you really think so?
inup2theballs: No.
inup2theballs: I don't.
inup2theballs: I'm sorry.
psychofox61: its okay
psychofox61: i just couldnt tell
psychofox61: i feel like you worry maybe i am
psychofox61: hey so do i
psychofox61: im still in here though
inup2theballs: I worry...you'll start to really believe it.
psychofox61: i know what im experiencing
psychofox61: and its weird
psychofox61: so maybe by definition of the world i am crazy
psychofox61: but so what?
psychofox61: im in here. its still me
psychofox61: just...muted?
psychofox61: test me
inup2theballs: What do you mean, test you?
psychofox61: to reassure yourself its still me
inup2theballs: When you ditched me. When we were partners. What did you ditch me like?
psychofox61: like somebodys bad date.
inup2theballs: You pass. Mulder.
psychofox61: :-D
inup2theballs: You look goofy when you smile that big.
psychofox61: lol i know
psychofox61: its my nose
inup2theballs: Your nose?
psychofox61: makes me look goofy when i smile
psychofox61: and my fat lip
inup2theballs: It's not that.
psychofox61: what then?
inup2theballs: Your eyes squint. You can't see your eyes anymore.
psychofox61: lol oh
inup2theballs: It's okay. They come back.
psychofox61: lmao
inup2theballs: Not that I'm all that used to seeing you smile... Sorry.
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: you either
psychofox61: but you dont look goofy
inup2theballs: No?
psychofox61: no.
inup2theballs: Do you ever leave your room, Mulder?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: they take me out to the fountain
inup2theballs: They take you?
psychofox61: water helps
psychofox61: i need help walking that far mostly
psychofox61: i sit out there by the fountain
inup2theballs: Where do you sit? A bench? A chair?
psychofox61: a chair
inup2theballs: Is it comfortable...for you?
psychofox61: could be better
psychofox61: its iron
psychofox61: but the fountain sounds drown out the feelings
psychofox61: voices i call them
psychofox61: theyre not
psychofox61: theyre feelings
psychofox61: sometimes thoughts
psychofox61: those are bad.
inup2theballs: The thoughts are bad? Worse than the feelings you mean?
psychofox61: yes
inup2theballs: Whose thoughts? Yours?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: feel like it
inup2theballs: But you know they're not.
psychofox61: sometimes.
psychofox61: i need reminding a lot.
inup2theballs: Who reminds you, Mulder?
psychofox61: nurses
psychofox61: doctors
inup2theballs: I'm glad. I'm glad they remind you.
psychofox61: me too
psychofox61: seem so real
psychofox61: so mine
inup2theballs: Sounds like a nightmare.
psychofox61: worse.
psychofox61: last for days if no one reminds me
inup2theballs: It's...gone on that long?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: they dont really understand
psychofox61: nurses, doctors
inup2theballs: Is that what was happening to you? On the stairs?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: and feelings
psychofox61: all
psychofox61: badbadbad
inup2theballs: I'm sorry.
inup2theballs: Mulder, I'm sorry.
psychofox61: i know. i feel it.
inup2theballs: Am I hurting you?
psychofox61: a little
psychofox61: its okay
psychofox61: you didnt know
psychofox61: you always thought i would be okay
psychofox61: no matter what
psychofox61: hong kong
psychofox61: gulag
psychofox61: weikamp
psychofox61: you always thought id be okay
inup2theballs: It's...retroactive?
psychofox61: what?
inup2theballs: Your...knowing. Not just the moment, but...back?
psychofox61: not exactly.
psychofox61: i felt/heard you on the stairs
psychofox61: and i hear you now
psychofox61: put pieces together
psychofox61: im good at that. or so you think.
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: So...you don't...hate me? For what I did? Leaving you there?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: no hate krycek
psychofox61: takes way too much energy
psychofox61: waste of it
psychofox61: dont hate yourself either
psychofox61: i feel that too
psychofox61: stop it
psychofox61: try
inup2theballs: Trying.
psychofox61: no one knew
psychofox61: i didnt know
psychofox61: and i have made it through many many times
psychofox61: i am very strong
inup2theballs: No one knew what, Mulder?
psychofox61: how i could hurt
psychofox61: artifacts opened my mind and heart
psychofox61: wide wide open
psychofox61: hurts
inup2theballs: And now...it still hurts when they're not there anymore.
psychofox61: they?
psychofox61: oh artifacts yes
psychofox61: open now for good
inup2theballs: I see.
inup2theballs: Jesus.
psychofox61: you see jesus?
psychofox61: ;-)
psychofox61: kewl
inup2theballs: No, dammit.
inup2theballs: I see how drastically your life has changed. And I see why you can't come back. I see, Mulder.
psychofox61: thank you
psychofox61: thank you krycek
psychofox61: im researching
psychofox61: think i can learn to control this
psychofox61: in the meantime, haldol good. ;-)
inup2theballs: I'm glad you're still...searching.
psychofox61: if i wasnt?
psychofox61: if i was just being?
psychofox61: you couldnt handle it?
inup2theballs: I guess I hadn't thought about it. Never knew you not to search. I don't know.
inup2theballs: I...don't want to not be able to handle it.
inup2theballs: Or anything for that matter.
psychofox61: used to read a hundred articles a day
psychofox61: now read one or two
psychofox61: still readin tho
inup2theballs: I guess...with what I know now. What you told me...
inup2theballs: I just...want you to be...
inup2theballs: happy
psychofox61: you care about me.
psychofox61: krycek?
psychofox61: sorry to scare you again.
psychofox61: dont run away tho
psychofox61: i care about you too
inup2theballs: How could you?
psychofox61: the memories are all there
psychofox61: but without the charge
psychofox61: i can examine them objectively
psychofox61: see what you did
psychofox61: not all bad
psychofox61: and what i did
psychofox61: not all good
inup2theballs: That's over-simplifying it, don't you think?
psychofox61: thats the name of my game now krycek
psychofox61: simplify
psychofox61: no wasted energy
psychofox61: hate is huge huge huge waste of energy
psychofox61: cant do it
psychofox61: just cant
psychofox61: liked you
psychofox61: wanted to keep liking you
psychofox61: so now i do
inup2theballs: I don't know what to say...
psychofox61: seen any good movies lately?
psychofox61: man not me.
inup2theballs: Movies? That's what you want to talk about?
psychofox61: what do you?
psychofox61: im easy
inup2theballs: I haven't seen any movies, Mulder.
psychofox61: thats okay
psychofox61: me neither
psychofox61: not for years
inup2theballs: They don't make you watch Cocoon and shit there?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: not make
psychofox61: offer.
psychofox61: ;-)
psychofox61: thats a good movie!
inup2theballs: But you don't go?
inup2theballs: Do you have...friends, Mulder?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: do you?
psychofox61: stupid question sorry
psychofox61: do you like cocoon?
inup2theballs: I guess it's not bad.
psychofox61: what do you like?
inup2theballs: I really liked 'Close Encounters' before RL ruined it for me.
psychofox61: i still believe.
inup2theballs: That there are others who don't want to annihilate us?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: look at me
psychofox61: the artifacts opened my HEART and mind
inup2theballs: I'm sorry. God, you can't even ask me about movies! Shit.
psychofox61: why?
inup2theballs: You're mad. Heart was all in caps.
psychofox61: NO
inup2theballs: See! Mad!
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: i mean no im not
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: You're laughing? Really?
psychofox61: yes
inup2theballs: So...you still wanna know about what movies I like?
psychofox61: yes and i want you to understand
psychofox61: i put emphasis on heart
psychofox61: why would ets want to open our hearts?
psychofox61: unless they wanted to bring about peace.
psychofox61: that what i get from it anyway.
psychofox61: and we all know im brilliant.
inup2theballs: Okay.
psychofox61: now what movies do you like?
psychofox61: i like close encounters a lot a lot
psychofox61: no caps. didnt wanna scare you. so repeated myself. not losing it.
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: I know. Thank you. :- )
psychofox61: yw
inup2theballs: But I can't think of any other movies. I'm sorry.
psychofox61: thats okay
psychofox61: what else do you like?
psychofox61: i dont know you
psychofox61: well
psychofox61: as well as i want to
inup2theballs: I don't know me, either.
psychofox61: i know.
psychofox61: you forgot why you were fighting
psychofox61: forgot how to not
psychofox61: forgot to look at the bedspread
inup2theballs: Why do you care if I do those things or not?
psychofox61: you came to me
psychofox61: you reached out to me
inup2theballs: I tried to kidnap you.
psychofox61: nobody else has
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: thats part of your charm.
inup2theballs: lol
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: I guess I need some time to figure out...who the hell I am, Mulder.
psychofox61: i got time
inup2theballs: Time you certainly don't have to spend with me.
inup2theballs: Do you...want me to leave you alone?
psychofox61: lol no
psychofox61: very tired of being alone.
psychofox61: arent you?
psychofox61: sorry.
psychofox61: scaring you.
psychofox61: krycek, nobody else believed i was still in here.
psychofox61: everybody else gave up on me.
psychofox61: didnt think i cared.
psychofox61: well, too much.
psychofox61: cant afford to.
psychofox61: but i do.
psychofox61: so no, dont want you to leave me alone. no.
inup2theballs: I know it's you.
inup2theballs: I know who you are.
inup2theballs: Not all of it. Things have changed. I want...
inup2theballs: To know.
psychofox61: who i am now?
inup2theballs: Yes.
psychofox61: okay.
psychofox61: i want to know who you are now.
psychofox61: now.
psychofox61: not then.
psychofox61: now.
inup2theballs: You seem so sure I'm different.
psychofox61: feel it.
psychofox61: waves of it
psychofox61: feel you change with them
psychofox61: breaking open
psychofox61: like surf wearing away rock
psychofox61: only fast
inup2theballs: This feels bad. And good.
psychofox61: i know.
psychofox61: and i hear your questions.
psychofox61: yes it can be permanent. its your choice.
psychofox61: take it with you when you turn off the computer.
psychofox61: know who you are.
psychofox61: you think im brilliant, so just trust me on this one too.
inup2theballs: Maybe I'm the one who's crazy.
psychofox61: if so who cares? go with it!
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: :-)
inup2theballs: I'll try.
psychofox61: you need to ground now
psychofox61: eat some carbs, protein, salt
psychofox61: i need sleep now
psychofox61: connected with you
inup2theballs: You need sleep...connected with me??
psychofox61: helping you stay upright in the surf
psychofox61: hard work
psychofox61: tiring
psychofox61: worth it
inup2theballs: Okay.
psychofox61: i need you
psychofox61: you need me
psychofox61: its a beautiful thing.
inup2theballs: Tomorrow?
psychofox61: yes. :-)
psychofox61: if im not on in the morning, dont worry
psychofox61: might have to sleep a long time for this one
psychofox61: will be back
inup2theballs: All right.
inup2theballs: Get some rest, Mulder.
psychofox61: will do. you too. in your cream and tan bed with your satin pillowcases.
psychofox61: feel me.
inup2theballs: I...
psychofox61: i know.
psychofox61: youre freaking now
psychofox61: i gotta drop now
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: crashing...
inup2theballs: Good night, Mulder.
psychofox61: night alex.
psychofox61: ***This user is no longer online.***
Next afternoon...
psychofox61: hi alex
inup2theballs: Hi.
psychofox61: what did you have for lunch?
psychofox61: sorry so late
inup2theballs: It's okay. Did you get enough rest?
psychofox61: yes thank you
psychofox61: feel good
inup2theballs: Good.
inup2theballs: I had a mushroom swiss burger, seasoned fries, and a root beer float.
psychofox61: right on
inup2theballs: Have you eaten yet?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: im off schedule
inup2theballs: I'm sorry.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: i can get my nurse to bring me something
psychofox61: she likes me
inup2theballs: Alyson?
psychofox61: different one
inup2theballs: So they all like you.
psychofox61: well most of them
inup2theballs: Most? Not all?
psychofox61: guys not so much
inup2theballs: I see.
psychofox61: one does
inup2theballs: I see.
psychofox61: what are you wearing?
inup2theballs: Boxers.
psychofox61: oh
psychofox61: where are you?
inup2theballs: The corner of Park and Main. I'm in my hotel room, Mulder. ;-)
psychofox61: but where in the room?
psychofox61: im in bed
inup2theballs: I have a laptop. I'm leaned against the headboard. With the satin pillows.
psychofox61: hey me too
psychofox61: no satin
inup2theballs: What do they give you? Cotton?
psychofox61: 500 thread count pima cotton
psychofox61: according to alyson
inup2theballs: That's right. Forgot. So she cute?
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: You got a lot of cute nurses, Mulder?
psychofox61: a few
inup2theballs: You get checked on a lot?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: maybe
psychofox61: theres one now
psychofox61: asked me why i laughed
inup2theballs: Gonna tell her?
psychofox61: told her i was talking to a friend
inup2theballs: Yeah?
psychofox61: she said awww thats nice fox!
psychofox61: >:-P
inup2theballs: Sorry, Mulder. ;-)
psychofox61: i just asked her for a snack
inup2theballs: You probably need more than that.
psychofox61: lunch in an hour here
inup2theballs: What kind of snack?
psychofox61: dont know
psychofox61: shes gonna steal from the staff lounge
inup2theballs: Really? Cool.
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: And you just have to ask, huh?
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: I see.
psychofox61: im a good boy
inup2theballs: I'll bet.
inup2theballs: You're not stupid, you know they want you, right?
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: You know they go home and have dirty thoughts about Fox in his 4-points.
psychofox61: lmao
inup2theballs: You do, don't you. You know.
psychofox61: never thought about it
inup2theballs: But can't you tell? From them?
psychofox61: they flirt yeah
inup2theballs: I'm sure.
psychofox61: obviously you have thought about it some
inup2theballs: Not really. Just occured to me. About your flock of nurses.
psychofox61: they dont seem the type
psychofox61: to be into 4points
psychofox61: but ya never know
psychofox61: ill be watching them now
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: They probably just want a chance to flirt and maybe see some leg or something.
inup2theballs: What are you wearing, Mulder?
psychofox61: white boxers white tshirt
inup2theballs: No socks.
psychofox61: nope
inup2theballs: Me, either. I can control the temp. much better in this place.
inup2theballs: Thanks.
psychofox61: yw
inup2theballs: She brought your snack yet?
psychofox61: no
inup2theballs: Tell me. When she does. If you would.
psychofox61: okay
psychofox61: they let me have coffee once a day
psychofox61: so i have that
inup2theballs: Excellent. :-)
psychofox61: lotsa sugar and cream
inup2theballs: I remember.
psychofox61: oh
psychofox61: even more sugar these days
inup2theballs: Two heaping teaspoons sugar. More than that??
psychofox61: lol yeah
psychofox61: tablespoon and a half
psychofox61: i put too much in today
inup2theballs: Do they usually do that for you?
psychofox61: yeah actually
psychofox61: different staff in morning
psychofox61: not here now
psychofox61: didnt know
inup2theballs: Makes sense. Can you ask for another? So you can do it over?
psychofox61: im okay
psychofox61: dont wanna push my luck
psychofox61: plus they hang around enough as it is
inup2theballs: Yeah.
inup2theballs: They probably hang out outside your door giggling and drawing straws.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: they like me
psychofox61: im not the only one tho
inup2theballs: There are other tall, good-looking, ex-FBI agents in your hospital?
psychofox61: you think im goodlooking?
inup2theballs: It's not about what I think. I don't *think* anything. I have eyes.
psychofox61: im not just anyones type ya know
psychofox61: and my long skinny white legs are nothing special
inup2theballs: Apparently they are. You have nurses issuing mating calls, Mulder.
psychofox61: snort
psychofox61: not exactly mating calls alex
psychofox61: they dont take me seriously
psychofox61: they pat me
inup2theballs: They pat you?
psychofox61: yes.
psychofox61: thigh, shoulder, hand
psychofox61: thank god not head
inup2theballs: I see.
psychofox61: although they fix my hair sometimes
psychofox61: brush it back
psychofox61: that bugs the hell outta me
inup2theballs: Is it longer again now?
psychofox61: yeah a little
inup2theballs: Good. You looked like you got attacked by a weed- whacker.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: who says i didnt?
inup2theballs: LOL!
psychofox61: you just never know with me do ya
inup2theballs: Guess not.
inup2theballs: Can I ask you something, Mulder?
psychofox61: of course
inup2theballs: Don't you ever just want to...talk to someone? About who you were? Or what you did? Or just...UFO sightings? Something?
psychofox61: sometimes
psychofox61: its in my file what i did, so they make jokes
psychofox61: kind ones
inup2theballs: Kind jokes? Isn't that an oxymoron?
psychofox61: good natured teasing
psychofox61: you know. isnt that how you like to beat yourself?
psychofox61: that kinda thing. ;-)
inup2theballs: You were being good-natured, were you?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: well...
inup2theballs: I get it, tho. It's okay.
psychofox61: they mean well. theyre trying to talk about what they think makes me happy
psychofox61: they just dont have a clue
inup2theballs: Understand.
psychofox61: like, oh my sister knows who it is before the phone rings!
psychofox61: and, this one time, my aunt betty was in a car accident and i had this dream...
inup2theballs: Trying to connect. But not knowing how.
psychofox61: yeah
psychofox61: so you actually believe in werewolves and vampires, fox? the fbi follows those things?
psychofox61: oy.
inup2theballs: lol
inup2theballs: Do you have your snack yet?
psychofox61: no not yet
inup2theballs: Well, tell her to hurry it up!
psychofox61: if theyre in a meeting she cant go in there
psychofox61: and there are nine other residents
psychofox61: she might have had to help someone
inup2theballs: I just... You shouldn't go without meals. Not when you're already weak.
psychofox61: lunch is less than half an hour now alex
psychofox61: i dont like to eat right when i wake up anyway
inup2theballs: What did you order for lunch today?
psychofox61: boiled eggs and toast
inup2theballs: Sounds pretty good.
psychofox61: i love boiled eggs
inup2theballs: Good to know.
psychofox61: why?
inup2theballs: I...don't know.
inup2theballs: I just know I...like knowing.
psychofox61: do you like them?
inup2theballs: Yeah. They're good.
psychofox61: its one of the only things i know how to cook for myself
psychofox61: but i forget and boil the water away
psychofox61: a lot
psychofox61: and that was before i went nuts
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: I gotta take a piss.
inup2theballs: brb?
psychofox61: okay
inup2theballs: What does that mean? Be right back?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: or bath room break
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: eww she brought blueberry yogurt.
inup2theballs: That's one of the best kinds, Mulder. But I'm sorry you don't like it.
psychofox61: seeds. hate em.
inup2theballs: What kind do you like?
psychofox61: seedless kinds
psychofox61: peach, lemon, vanilla is my fave, orange, custard styles are all good, just no seeds.
psychofox61: they drive me crazy.
psychofox61: ha!
inup2theballs: ;- /
psychofox61: disapproving wink?
psychofox61: man i gotta piss now
inup2theballs: I don't exactly *approve* of you calling yourself nuts. I don't think it's good for you to buy into someone else's version of you.
psychofox61: back
psychofox61: i dont
psychofox61: it was a joke alex
psychofox61: a good one
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: All right. Fine.
inup2theballs: Why are you calling me that?
psychofox61: its your name
inup2theballs: So is Krycek.
psychofox61: seems distant
psychofox61: is distant
psychofox61: i used it on purpose you know
psychofox61: like thrusting you away from me
psychofox61: but, like skinners apartment, now im pulling you back in
inup2theballs: Got more hair now.
inup2theballs: No jacket, tho.
psychofox61: what happened to it?
inup2theballs: I'm just not wearing it. Like I said...boxers.
psychofox61: ah. yes
psychofox61: eggs!
inup2theballs: k I'll be here.
psychofox61: another cute nurse
psychofox61: lesbian tho
psychofox61: still likes me
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: LOL!
inup2theballs: Eat your eggs, Mulder.
psychofox61: mmmm
psychofox61: done. gonna get dressed.
psychofox61: nurses bug me if i dont
inup2theballs: Bug you?
psychofox61: tease me
psychofox61: its part of my program to get dressed every day
inup2theballs: Oh. I see.
inup2theballs: So...do you have to leave soon?
psychofox61: no only take me a minute. can you wait?
inup2theballs: Yes. I'm not leaving.
psychofox61: k brb
psychofox61: back
inup2theballs: I'm not getting in the way of you going out to the fountain, am I?
psychofox61: i dont go out there every day
inup2theballs: Why not?
inup2theballs: It sounds good for you.
psychofox61: dont feel like it every day plus
psychofox61: i fucking hate routine.
inup2theballs: How do you stand it there, then? Is it just the drugs?
psychofox61: its safe
psychofox61: i dont mind the food routine because i dont have to cook for myself
psychofox61: i bow out of the other stuff
psychofox61: go when i feel like it
psychofox61: live in my own head
psychofox61: and on here.
inup2theballs: With your ocean pictures and music.
psychofox61: and you.
psychofox61: listening to real music today
inup2theballs: What kind?
psychofox61: indigo girls grateful dead
inup2theballs: Yeah?
psychofox61: yeah
psychofox61: im doing better so dont need the ocean sounds
inup2theballs: I'm...really glad.
psychofox61: me too.
psychofox61: mellow music works now
psychofox61: good sign
inup2theballs: So do you have anything planned for today?
psychofox61: you
inup2theballs: No.
inup2theballs: This.
inup2theballs: If that's okay.
psychofox61: ?
inup2theballs: I just planned to do this. With you. Is that okay.
psychofox61: my answer was you.
psychofox61: it wasnt a question.
inup2theballs: Oh.
psychofox61: but thank you alex.
inup2theballs: yw?
psychofox61: are you frowning?
inup2theballs: A little.
psychofox61: are you listening to music?
inup2theballs: Yeah.
psychofox61: what?
inup2theballs: Well, it's still hard rock right now. Nirvana. But I'm downloading a bunch of Grateful Dead.
psychofox61: you like it?
inup2theballs: Yeah. Listened to it a lot in high school.
psychofox61: i didnt discover it till a couple of years ago.
psychofox61: only listen to it in a certain mood.
psychofox61: usually like something harder too.
inup2theballs: What mood are you in?
psychofox61: feel mellow
psychofox61: no big waves yet today
inup2theballs: You're talking about the feelings? The thoughts?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: hit like waves
psychofox61: like standing in the surf then getting hit and nearly or completely knocked over
inup2theballs: But not today? Not yet?
psychofox61: nope
psychofox61: just standing in the waves letting them lap at my shins
inup2theballs: :-)
inup2theballs: So you might be able to listen to 'Sacred', then?
psychofox61: yeah i could probably handle that
psychofox61: ill try
inup2theballs: Don't do anything too much for you!
psychofox61: i wont
psychofox61: cant
inup2theballs: Okay.
inup2theballs: Is it on?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: Good.
inup2theballs: So are you playing the whole album?
psychofox61: yeah i have a playlist of d m
inup2theballs: Cool.
psychofox61: behind the wheel now
inup2theballs: Is that how you feel? You don't want to be driving any more?
psychofox61: guess so
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: I'd think you'd make one hell of a backseat driver, Mulder.
psychofox61: im that big a pain in the ass?
inup2theballs: No. I'm just used to you driving.
psychofox61: yeah everybody is.
inup2theballs: It's okay if you don't want to. It really is.
psychofox61: its not permanent.
psychofox61: im still me.
psychofox61: bossy arrogant know it all me
inup2theballs: You seem...tempered. I don't mean that to sound...like it sounds. You just seem...like the time off is doing you good.
psychofox61: yeah its nice
psychofox61: for now
inup2theballs: Song?
psychofox61: i want you now.
inup2theballs: Oh.
psychofox61: heavy breathing
psychofox61: giving way to...
psychofox61: to have and to hold
inup2theballs: One of my favorites.
psychofox61: oh yeah?
inup2theballs: Might be too dark for you right now. ???
psychofox61: guess well see.
inup2theballs: So?
inup2theballs: Still listening to it?
psychofox61: yes
inup2theballs: Me, too.
psychofox61: oh
inup2theballs: It's short. But it says a lot.
psychofox61: yes.
psychofox61: if the sound is harmonious the lyrics dont hurt
inup2theballs: But it's in a minor key...ominous and kind of...serious.
psychofox61: yes very serious
psychofox61: but it flows
psychofox61: not discordant
psychofox61: thats the important thing
psychofox61: for me.
inup2theballs: Do you believe in what it says? That one person can hold the power of forgiveness for another?psychofox61: we all hold the power of forgiveness
inup2theballs: But I mean... That the one person has the power, and no one else. And that forgiveness, that human forgiveness can act like...the hand of God.
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: you have to forgive yourself
psychofox61: thats the hand of god
psychofox61: who do you need to forgive, alex?
inup2theballs: I didn't say it was about me.
psychofox61: just answer
inup2theballs: No one.
psychofox61: how many do you hate?
inup2theballs: What does that have to do with it?
psychofox61: thats who you have to forgive.
psychofox61: all that hate bleeds you every second
inup2theballs: I don't want to talk about this. Don't want to hurt you...
psychofox61: thank you
psychofox61: but think about it
inup2theballs: For you.
psychofox61: for you.
psychofox61: and me.
inup2theballs: Okay.
inup2theballs: I have Agent Orange. Do you? Always loved this one.
psychofox61: playing
psychofox61: alex im not your hand of god. if i were, youd feel forgiven.
inup2theballs: Why don't I?
psychofox61: you have to be your own hand of god.
inup2theballs: What if I can't, Mulder?
psychofox61: its hard i know
psychofox61: i had to forgive myself
psychofox61: that was bleeding me
psychofox61: the parts of me i hated
psychofox61: the essence of repentence is not confession
inup2theballs: What is it?
psychofox61: intention
psychofox61: passion for changing
psychofox61: as much passion as you had for doing the evil
inup2theballs: I don't think that was passion...
psychofox61: only you would know.
psychofox61: never let me down again.
inup2theballs: Back to the beginning.
inup2theballs: Good one.
inup2theballs: What are you doing while you're listening?
psychofox61: talking to you
inup2theballs: How do you feel?
psychofox61: good. a little buffeted
inup2theballs: Tell me if I...hurt you.
psychofox61: doesnt hurt
psychofox61: not yet
psychofox61: doing fine
inup2theballs: If you need to go sit with your fountain, I'll be okay.
psychofox61: i can play the ocean or thunderstorm if it comes to that
psychofox61: im switching to songs of faith
inup2theballs: Be careful of that first song...the discordant part.
psychofox61: okay
psychofox61: ironic title too
psychofox61: i feel you
psychofox61: >:-P
inup2theballs: 'sgood song... If you play it long enough to know it's not just a fucked up tape.
psychofox61: think ill skip it tho
psychofox61: kinda breaks up my energy
inup2theballs: Yeah. It's a little harsh.
psychofox61: you know those programs that create images based on sounds?
inup2theballs: Yes.
psychofox61: you can see it there. the music that breaks up the images, shatters them. and the music that builds waves and long flowing lines.
psychofox61: i need the lines.
inup2theballs: I think I get it.
psychofox61: walking in my shoes
inup2theballs: Yeah.
psychofox61: the ones that shatter the images are good for releasing
psychofox61: i dont need to release right now
psychofox61: just let it flow through
psychofox61: not holding on
inup2theballs: Can I ask you something...personal?
psychofox61: sure
inup2theballs: How do you...jack-off...in there?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: quietly.
inup2theballs: What about the mess?
psychofox61: tissues
psychofox61: what about yours?
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: What?
psychofox61: your mess
psychofox61: why is mine different?
inup2theballs: Well, I have the shower... Do you have your own bathroom?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: surely you dont shower after every time
inup2theballs: No, not after.
psychofox61: oh during?
inup2theballs: Yes.
psychofox61: cant do that standing up anymore
inup2theballs: I see.
psychofox61: do it lying down in bed at night, between nurses
inup2theballs: LMAO!
psychofox61: lmao!
psychofox61: oh man
psychofox61: no, no nurses. just me.
inup2theballs: Pretty sweet set up you got there. ;-)
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: yeah toldja.
psychofox61: like monty python
psychofox61: i think i can take a little bit of peril...
inup2theballs: And then the spankings. And the oral sex.
psychofox61: yes.
inup2theballs: Do you...miss it?
psychofox61: miss what?
inup2theballs: Sex.
psychofox61: not getting any less than i was before alex
psychofox61: and not exactly missing what i did get. before this.
inup2theballs: What do you mean, Mulder?
psychofox61: diana
psychofox61: she was the last
psychofox61: the day you stepped over me
inup2theballs: Can I say ewww now or is that rude?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: dont like her?
psychofox61: didnt you work together?
inup2theballs: Sorry. Don't mean to make light. I just, you can tell I'm not really. Light.
inup2theballs: And no to both.
psychofox61: just for the same people.
inup2theballs: For the same people. At different times. Which actually means we were working *against* each other.
psychofox61: interesting.
psychofox61: different departments.
inup2theballs: No. Mulder. Different *sides*.
psychofox61: you hate him now.
psychofox61: i get you.
psychofox61: she thought she loved me
psychofox61: she didnt realize she raped me.
inup2theballs: She's the one who got you out of the stairwell....
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: Goddamnit.
psychofox61: calm down
psychofox61: let it flow through you
psychofox61: making me sick alex
inup2theballs: Sorry.
psychofox61: she didnt know what was wrong either
psychofox61: no one did
psychofox61: although it wasnt about giving to me thats for sure
psychofox61: i read that loud and clear even through the massive chaos waves
inup2theballs: I don't want to make you sick. Gonna splash some water on my face. brb
psychofox61: okay
inup2theballs: back
inup2theballs: I'm sorry, Mulder.
psychofox61: i know.
inup2theballs: If I'd known... Well, I would have come back for you.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: known i was that easy?
psychofox61: it was sex magick.
inup2theballs: If I'd known she was going to vulture in on you, I would have tried to stop her, Mulder. That's all I meant.
psychofox61: not then you wouldnt.
psychofox61: you would now.
inup2theballs: I guess so. That doesn't exactly make it easier for me to 'be the hand of God' for myself.
psychofox61: now is now
psychofox61: and you wouldnt have done what she did.
psychofox61: she used sex to bind me to her.
psychofox61: make me trust her.
psychofox61: you didnt.
inup2theballs: I might have, Mulder. If I thought it would work.psychofox61: why wouldnt it?
inup2theballs: You're shitting me, right?
psychofox61: i dont lie
psychofox61: okay the whole go get the car thing but mostly, okay?
inup2theballs: You were...attracted to me?
inup2theballs: Or just hard-up?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: i didnt say either one. asked you why it wouldnt work.
inup2theballs: Because, Mulder, you're *not* attracted to me.
psychofox61: really?
inup2theballs: You may not lie but you sure can give the run-around, still!
psychofox61: im still me.
inup2theballs: Well, I can't answer you, my foot's too far in my mouth.
psychofox61: whether or not its true now, you couldnt have known it back when you were in the fbi.
psychofox61: so why didnt you?
inup2theballs: Only one out of ten, Mulder. Not good odds.
psychofox61: like id have to be gay.
inup2theballs: Oh you wouldn't?
psychofox61: please.
inup2theballs: What are you saying, that I'm irresistible or some horseshit like that?
psychofox61: ever seen the interview susan sarandon did re the hunger?
inup2theballs: What? No.
psychofox61: she said i dont care if youre gay or not, you dont need to be drunk to fuck catherine deneuve.
inup2theballs: Oh.
psychofox61: or maybe its 'to want to fuck catherine deneuve.'
psychofox61: yeah, to want to.
inup2theballs: Did you want to?
psychofox61: sure shes hot.
inup2theballs: I'm gonna leave, asshole.
psychofox61: lmao
inup2theballs: Did you.
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: doesnt mean i couldnt have wanted to. you never tried you know. thats my point.
inup2theballs: I'm glad I didn't. Would've made things infinitely worse.
psychofox61: not sure about that, but why didnt you?
psychofox61: you really didnt think it was an option?
psychofox61: i dont believe that.
psychofox61: youre not that naive.
inup2theballs: What if I knew I could have you. What if I had? How the fuck much would you hate me right now, Mulder?
psychofox61: calm down making me dizzy
psychofox61: if youd had me, would you still have left me?
psychofox61: you dont have to answer that, but thats MY point.
psychofox61: alex calm down gonna falldown
inup2theballs: Shit. Leaving. Sorry. Fuck.
psychofox61: nowisnow is now alex
inup2theballs: ***This user is no longer online.***
Two days later...
inup2theballs: Mulder?
psychofox61: alex glad youre back
inup2theballs: You are?
psychofox61: yes
inup2theballs: Why.
psychofox61: youre the only one alex.
inup2theballs: What do you mean?
psychofox61: to everyone else im gone.
psychofox61: theyre grieving me.
psychofox61: touching, but...
psychofox61: i prefer to be known.
psychofox61: you know me.
inup2theballs: I'm not good for you.
inup2theballs: I hurt you.
psychofox61: with your deep feelings
psychofox61: not your intent
psychofox61: different
psychofox61: very very different
inup2theballs: Still not good for you.
psychofox61: its good practice actually
psychofox61: thought about that all day yesterday
psychofox61: its intensity without danger
inup2theballs: I'm so sorry I left like that. Don't you hate me? I've always left...
inup2theballs: ***This user no longer online.***
inup2theballs: ***This user is now online.***
inup2theballs: FUCK!
inup2theballs: Sorry.
inup2theballs: Calming.
inup2theballs: Didn't want you thinking... Shit.
inup2theballs: Mulder. Are you there? I just got kicked off.
inup2theballs: Everything's find now.
inup2theballs: fine
inup2theballs: I'm fine now.
inup2theballs: Are you?
psychofox61: justaminute
inup2theballs: Okay.
psychofox61: dizzy but here
inup2theballs: I'm working on...staying... What did you call it? Centered?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: breathe in four seconds out seven
psychofox61: water sounds
psychofox61: sugar
psychofox61: salt
inup2theballs: I have Oreos?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: good then
inup2theballs: Cream in my coffee...
psychofox61: not gonna help
inup2theballs: Downloaded thunderstorm. Playing...
psychofox61: me too!
psychofox61: feels good huh
inup2theballs: Yeah. I feel better.
psychofox61: you left for me.
inup2theballs: yes
psychofox61: how can i be mad?
inup2theballs: Sad. I must have made you sad.
inup2theballs: I made me sad.
psychofox61: i know.
psychofox61: i didnt feel it as sad but knew it as sad
psychofox61: felt it as dizzy unable to get out of bed
psychofox61: eyes not staying open
inup2theballs: I'm sorry.
psychofox61: its okay
psychofox61: good practice for me
psychofox61: i am learning to know what is you and what is me
psychofox61: and to let it flow through me
inup2theballs: Where do you let it out, though?
psychofox61: i just rest and let it flow through
psychofox61: knowing its not mine
psychofox61: used to scare me. drop me instantly.
psychofox61: like dying.
psychofox61: now i know what it is and i can handle it
psychofox61: know what to do
psychofox61: rest water sugar salt saltbath thunderstorms ocean breathing dark room
inup2theballs: I had a shitty day yesterday.
psychofox61: i know.
inup2theballs: I...missed talking to you. Seeing you.
psychofox61: i wasnt up
psychofox61: was with you alex
inup2theballs: Didn't feel you. Felt bad.
psychofox61: im sorry i brought up a question you have no way to answer
psychofox61: and that makes you feel bad
psychofox61: then doesnt matter
psychofox61: now is now is now
inup2theballs: That's what you meant? That the answer doesn't matter?
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: who we were then is not who we are now
psychofox61: so why would it?
inup2theballs: Thank you.
psychofox61: yw
psychofox61: what are you wearing?
inup2theballs: :-)
inup2theballs: A smile.
psychofox61: is that all?
inup2theballs: Black jeans. White T-shirt.
psychofox61: socks?
inup2theballs: Taking them off now...
psychofox61: feet oughta be naked you ask me.
inup2theballs: :-)
inup2theballs: Feels all right.
psychofox61: kinda scary to do that in my apt but here its clean
inup2theballs: I'm glad they take care of you.
psychofox61: yeah im into this housekeeper thing
psychofox61: shoulda got one a long time ago
psychofox61: except i dont like people touching my stuff
psychofox61: so maybe not.
inup2theballs: Do you have a lot of your own stuff with you?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: cant really handle most of it
inup2theballs: Hurts you?
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: Do you want new stuff?
inup2theballs: Can you receive packages there?
psychofox61: yes i can
psychofox61: i dont know
psychofox61: scully sends me work.
psychofox61: trying to get me 'back'
inup2theballs: Just like me.
psychofox61: well...
psychofox61: yeah
psychofox61: except she doesnt understand or listen or even try
inup2theballs: Does it make me a terrible person that I'm no longer trying to get you to come back?
psychofox61: thats stupid
inup2theballs: Thanks.
psychofox61: you scared the hell out of me when you were
psychofox61: and if you had started sending me stuff i would have cut you off fast
psychofox61: shes low key
psychofox61: not like you
psychofox61: i just make a pile under my bed
inup2theballs: LOL!!!
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: Is it good to keep that stuff there? I mean...energetically?
psychofox61: sometimes it bothers me
inup2theballs: Especially expense reports...
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: always
inup2theballs: Do you ever...not take it? Or give it back? Throw it away?
psychofox61: she sends me stuff from old cases.
psychofox61: ones she thinks are my favorites.
psychofox61: i always take it.
psychofox61: im thinking of having the nurses put it all in storage for me
inup2theballs: Seems like a good idea.
psychofox61: yeah
psychofox61: didnt really identify if it was bugging me or not
psychofox61: now i can
psychofox61: it is
inup2theballs: What kind of things do you *want* to have sent to you?
psychofox61: i dont know
psychofox61: scared
inup2theballs: Do you draw?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: look at ocean pictures...
inup2theballs: Would you...like real ones?
psychofox61: that would be nice.
inup2theballs: Okay.
psychofox61: and sushi.
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: That's harder.
inup2theballs: Goes bad.
psychofox61: yeah, gotta refrigerate
psychofox61: edamame
psychofox61: oh god yeah
inup2theballs: :-)
inup2theballs: What else?
psychofox61: buffy
inup2theballs: Yeah? :-)
psychofox61: yeah. cant always watch but sometimes
psychofox61: not season six
inup2theballs: Do you have DVD or VCR?
psychofox61: dvd
inup2theballs: Six too hard. Bad Willow. Right?
psychofox61: bad everybody.
inup2theballs: Yeah.
psychofox61: you watch?
inup2theballs: Yes.
psychofox61: wow...cool
inup2theballs: I like s6. But because of how it ends. If it didn't end that way, I wouldn't.
psychofox61: yeah i used to like it just cant handle it now
psychofox61: cant get there
psychofox61: will pass out first.
inup2theballs: Sorry. No 6. Promise.
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: Sound machine?
psychofox61: hmmm
psychofox61: i like cds...better sound
psychofox61: need better speakers?
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: Computer speakers or stereo.
psychofox61: computer
inup2theballs: All right.
psychofox61: what else do you watch?
inup2theballs: Not much. And it's stupid.
psychofox61: alllllex...
psychofox61: cmon
inup2theballs: Don't laugh.
psychofox61: no promises
inup2theballs: Starsky and Hutch.
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: You're laughing. Aren't you.
psychofox61: who me?
psychofox61: no, just smiling really big.
inup2theballs: You ever seen it?
psychofox61: when i was a kid
psychofox61: loved it
inup2theballs: Oh.
inup2theballs: All right.
psychofox61: must be on cable?
inup2theballs: Yeah. Late on Nick.
psychofox61: nick at nite
inup2theballs: Uh, yeah.
psychofox61: havent watched in awhile
psychofox61: wasnt on when i was watching n a n
inup2theballs: Can tape it for you. If you want.
psychofox61: probably safe
inup2theballs: I'll use my best judgment on it.
psychofox61: you can probably tell now
inup2theballs: I don't know. Maybe...
psychofox61: no biggie
psychofox61: if it makes me sick i just turn it off fast
inup2theballs: I don't want to make you sick at all.
psychofox61: i know.
psychofox61: maybe later.
inup2theballs: Maybe later Starsky and Hutch?psychofox61: yes. :-)
psychofox61: getting better all the time
psychofox61: might be more able to handle it later
inup2theballs: Okay. I'll wait.
inup2theballs: Do you want just the funny Buffys?
psychofox61: youd have to know the buffys really well to do that, alex
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: I can do that. >:-[
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: okay then.
psychofox61: that is less scary, i admit
psychofox61: they all have darkness, but some are worse than others
inup2theballs: No problem. I like the funny ones.
psychofox61: you do what i do. you just dont know it.
inup2theballs: I don't think I do what you do, Mulder.
psychofox61: you go to buffy or s and h because they make you feel good
psychofox61: they are a shield against the bad
inup2theballs: That's what you do? Stuff that feels good?
psychofox61: yep
psychofox61: gotta
inup2theballs: So...this makes you feel good?
psychofox61: yep
psychofox61: alex, i wasnt getting better until you. i had found a stabilization point and was just holding there.
inup2theballs: I...make you feel good. I make you feel...better?
psychofox61: yes.
psychofox61: because you want to.
psychofox61: your intent makes it happen.
psychofox61: even when you slip
inup2theballs: That doesn't...cancel things out for you?
psychofox61: no it gives me practice
psychofox61: remember?
psychofox61: intensity without danger
psychofox61: i know you wont hurt me
psychofox61: not on purpose
inup2theballs: Not willingly. No.
psychofox61: so i can handle it
psychofox61: because theres positive feeling behind it all
inup2theballs: So you want me around. You want me around?
psychofox61: i want you around
psychofox61: even need you around maybe
inup2theballs: Okay.
inup2theballs: Mulder?
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: I can't be here tomorrow.
inup2theballs: I can't be here for a week maybe.
psychofox61: oh
inup2theballs: I...want to be here.
<>psychofox61: im needy i knowinup2theballs: I want to be here.
inup2theballs: I have to take care of something important.
inup2theballs: I wouldn't go if it wasn't important.
psychofox61: are you...going to hurt people, alex?
psychofox61: please dont.
inup2theballs: Not people.
psychofox61: animals?
inup2theballs: No, Mulder... >:-[
psychofox61: okay.
psychofox61: sorry.
inup2theballs: I don't want you to worry. Will you not worry?
psychofox61: okay
psychofox61: just miss you
inup2theballs: I don't want to go.
inup2theballs: I have to.
inup2theballs: Will come back.
psychofox61: will be here.
inup2theballs: I'll send a package. Okay?
psychofox61: okay
psychofox61: thank you
inup2theballs: Get the stuff tomorrow and send overnight.
psychofox61: you sound like me
psychofox61: but with caps
inup2theballs: Didn't realize. Does it bother you?
psychofox61: not bother
psychofox61: seems short
psychofox61: do i seem short?
psychofox61: dont mean to
inup2theballs: No. You seem...
inup2theballs: Like I want...
inup2theballs: I want not to hurt you.
psychofox61: its still me
psychofox61: but thank you for taking care of me
psychofox61: caps and apostrophes slow me way down
inup2theballs: yw
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: I need to go now.
psychofox61: okay
psychofox61: almost dinner time
inup2theballs: Mulder, what are you wearing. Please.
psychofox61: my white boxers and tshirt
psychofox61: no socks
inup2theballs: I won't wear socks. The whole week.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: kinda need them in shoes alex
psychofox61: how bout just when you take your shoes off
psychofox61: get your feet naked and think of me
inup2theballs: I will.
inup2theballs: Take care of yourself.
psychofox61: you too
psychofox61: be safe
psychofox61: ill feel if youre not you know
inup2theballs: I'll remember...
inup2theballs: ***This user is no longer online.***
One week later...
psychofox61: alex!
inup2theballs: Mulder, hi!
psychofox61: you really did come back.
psychofox61: thank you.
inup2theballs: I had to. Did you think I wouldn't?
psychofox61: i was afraid.
inup2theballs: I know. I'm sorry.
psychofox61: thank you for the cool shit!
inup2theballs: :-)
inup2theballs: It got there okay? Intact?
psychofox61: i have the best room in the place, now
inup2theballs: So the glass didn't chip or break or anything?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: I told them to pack it in double the...stuff. Bubble stuff.
psychofox61: it all arrived perfectly.
psychofox61: and they even put it all up for me.
inup2theballs: And all 5 of them?
psychofox61: yes. :-)
psychofox61: i only have four walls though
psychofox61: thought about taking the one out of its frame and plastering the ceiling...
inup2theballs: I couldn't decide between the one with the surf on the rocks or the one all calm at sunset. So I got both.
psychofox61: i like them both too
inup2theballs: Which ones are up?
psychofox61: all but calm at sunset
psychofox61: thought that'd make a good one for the ceiling
psychofox61: to look at while falling asleep
psychofox61: surf on rocks makes me think of you and what i said about you
inup2theballs: You can ditch the frame. It's no big deal.
inup2theballs: Yeah? Me?
psychofox61: yeah. :-)
inup2theballs: What about the rest? Are the speakers okay?
psychofox61: the speakers are fucking awesome.
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: they keep telling me to turn it down
psychofox61: i just give em the bird
inup2theballs: LMAO!
inup2theballs: I thought you liked your nurses. Do you mean the other residents?
psychofox61: im not exactly the nurses favorite resident...oh hell, lets be honest patient...anymore.
inup2theballs: Did something happen? Are you all right?!
psychofox61: im fine
inup2theballs: Not angry. I'm calm.
psychofox61: i know
inup2theballs: You don't have to talk about it. As long as you're all right.
psychofox61: been a shitty week is all.
inup2theballs: Yeah.
psychofox61: one pat on the arm too many, i guess
inup2theballs: I'm sorry, Mulder.
psychofox61: no more goofy smiles for them.
psychofox61: >:-[
inup2theballs: What about the Buffys?
psychofox61: awesome.
psychofox61: im able to handle all of them so far
inup2theballs: That's good.
psychofox61: some of the nurses like buffy but ive made it clear i dont want company.
inup2theballs: Did one of them hurt you?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: one too many pats on the arm. told you.
inup2theballs: Okay. I'll stop.
inup2theballs: Did you get...?
inup2theballs: Were they melted?
psychofox61: i got.
psychofox61: and no they arent
psychofox61: theyre fucking fantastic
psychofox61: and you can bet the nurses want those, too
psychofox61: no way man
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: kind of naughty to send ones with vodka in them tho.
psychofox61: im not allowed to drink here.
inup2theballs: Is it bad for you?? I thought you might like them...
psychofox61: no, alcohol is no worse than haldol...works the same
psychofox61: they just dont let me have it
psychofox61: and yeah i do like them a lot.
inup2theballs: Good.
inup2theballs: Sorry about the...um, box. All the good ones came in that.
psychofox61: yeah, got me some questions and teasing
inup2theballs: sorry
psychofox61: fuck em
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: so how did it go?
inup2theballs: It...didn't.
psychofox61: oh
psychofox61: is that bad?
inup2theballs: I don't know.
psychofox61: seemed very important to you
inup2theballs: It was. It is.
inup2theballs: Was.
psychofox61: okay
psychofox61: youre getting tense sorry
psychofox61: ill just eat one of my chocolates now.
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: I'm sorry. I guess I don't know yet what it all means.
inup2theballs: You do that. Eat a creme one for me.
psychofox61: you like the creme?
inup2theballs: Yeah.
inup2theballs: Do you?
psychofox61: not as much as the vodka
psychofox61: dont worry, im not gonna turn into an alcoholic
inup2theballs: I know...
inup2theballs: No nuts. Did you see? I did that on purpose.
inup2theballs: No nuts.
psychofox61: lmao
psychofox61: enough in this place already?
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: Because you're not one.
psychofox61: thanks alex.
psychofox61: but i like nuts.
inup2theballs: I...don't want to see you treated like one...anymore.
psychofox61: yeah im getting a little tired of it myself.
psychofox61: ive been trying to push myself
psychofox61: reading more articles
psychofox61: just knocks me out. >:-[
inup2theballs: You don't have to do that. You don't have to push yourself to get better. You're still you. Like you say all the time.
inup2theballs: You're brilliant. You're quick and funny and insightful. And you know who you are.
inup2theballs: You're Mulder.
inup2theballs: Mulder?
psychofox61: here
psychofox61: um
psychofox61: thank you alex
psychofox61: thank you so much.
psychofox61: i have to be able to take care of myself.
psychofox61: function in the real world
psychofox61: which means reading the damned articles and shit
inup2theballs: You don't! You don't have to! Please don't.
psychofox61: im sorry.
psychofox61: im not a patient person.
inup2theballs: You...don't have to do those things.
inup2theballs: You don't have to read what you don't want...
inup2theballs: Or do what you don't want.
inup2theballs: Or get back on the horse.
inup2theballs: I was stupid, Mulder. Stupid and self-centered and WRONG.
inup2theballs: But they're wrong, too.
inup2theballs: You don't have to function in the 'real world'.
inup2theballs: I don't want you in that world again.
inup2theballs: I want you...
inup2theballs: I want...
inup2theballs: *I* want to take care of you!!!!!
inup2theballs: I want to get you out of there, Mulder, and I want to take you home with me and I want you to be you and read what you want and not try to save anyone or anything and just be with me and let me do what they don't do right.
inup2theballs: Mulder?
psychofox61: here
psychofox61: dizzy
psychofox61: haveto
psychofox61: justasec
inup2theballs: k
psychofox61: okay back
inup2theballs: hi
psychofox61: hi alex
psychofox61: sorry about that
psychofox61: this is big
psychofox61: i know, for you, too
psychofox61: i feel it
inup2theballs: I know.
psychofox61: it wouldnt be easy you know
inup2theballs: I know.
psychofox61: wed both have to leave it ALL behind
psychofox61: or it could knock me down for good
inup2theballs: I know.
inup2theballs: Do you know what I was going to do this last week?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: i cant read minds
psychofox61: anymore
inup2theballs: I was going to target a new lab. One of Spender's. While he was there. Take it and him out.
psychofox61: dizzy alex
inup2theballs: I didn't.
inup2theballs: I couldn't.
psychofox61: better
inup2theballs: I spent a day not knowing who I was.
inup2theballs: Still not sure.
psychofox61: who is?
psychofox61: you just pick something and go.
inup2theballs: I picked something, Mulder.
psychofox61: dizzy
inup2theballs: I picked this.
inup2theballs: I picked who I am here.
inup2theballs: Mulder, I picked out a house.
psychofox61: ???
inup2theballs: I bought a house.
psychofox61: oh
inup2theballs: I bought this beautiful fucking house on the beach in North Carolina.
psychofox61: oh
psychofox61: alex breathe
inup2theballs: sorry
psychofox61: isokay
inup2theballs: It's three bedrooms and two baths and a big kitchen and deck and ocean is the front yard, Mulder. Ocean...
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: Mulder... I feel crazy.
psychofox61: so now instead of being in war up 2 the balls youre in love up 2 the balls.
psychofox61: whoa
psychofox61: breathe
psychofox61: slow
psychofox61: alex yes
psychofox61: okay yes
psychofox61: yes
psychofox61: breathe
psychofox61: i mean, im not wrong am i? this isnt just a roommate thing, right? ;-)
inup2theballs: NO!
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: I...love you.
psychofox61: i know. i feel it. alex i love you too.
psychofox61: cant breathe
psychofox61: holdon
psychofox61: dizzy but here
inup2theballs: Me, too.
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: Will you?
inup2theballs: Come live with me?
inup2theballs: Leave there?
psychofox61: Yes.
inup2theballs: yes?
psychofox61: need tolie down yes
psychofox61: taking itw ith
inup2theballs: be careful
psychofox61: ok better
psychofox61: in bed now
inup2theballs: Good.
inup2theballs: I bought a house, Mulder.
psychofox61: you said that. :-)
inup2theballs: I bought it.
psychofox61: wow.
psychofox61: you must be pretty serious.
psychofox61: or pretty crazy.
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: either way, youre just my type
inup2theballs: Seriously crazy.
psychofox61: totally.
inup2theballs: I want you.
psychofox61: are we talking about sex now?
inup2theballs: Sex. Yes.
psychofox61: whoa
psychofox61: yeah i see that now
psychofox61: or feel it
psychofox61: whoa
inup2theballs: Sorry.
psychofox61: :-)
psychofox61: i want you alex
psychofox61: bad
inup2theballs: You do?
psychofox61: yeah now that i can have you
inup2theballs: Two other bedrooms. Guest and office. You in mine. ?
psychofox61: totally.
inup2theballs: Ours?
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: Is the happening?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: this you mean?
psychofox61: youre as bad as me now.
psychofox61: yeah, it is.
psychofox61: if you want it.
inup2theballs: I want it. I knew. I didn't know what I knew. But I bought a house knowing. I want it so much.
inup2theballs: I missed you.
psychofox61: god dont even go there
inup2theballs: I don't want this.
psychofox61: almost bit a nurse
inup2theballs: LMAO!
inup2theballs: Mulder!
psychofox61: she straightened the neckline of my tshirt
psychofox61: i actually opened my mouth!
inup2theballs: I don't want to IM you or even visit you. Like Scully.
inup2theballs: I want YOU.
psychofox61: youll probably have to do some finagling to get me released.
psychofox61: ive been committed against my will.
inup2theballs: If I have to break you out I will.
psychofox61: :-)
psychofox61: i have some friends who can manipulate paperwork and make you my guardian.
psychofox61: instead of scully.
inup2theballs: But they know Scully there.
psychofox61: she will be PISSED
psychofox61: and totally freaked out.
psychofox61: yes but paperwork is everything.
psychofox61: bureaucrats.
inup2theballs: You'd...do that? Have it on paper that I'm your guardian?
psychofox61: i admit its scary
psychofox61: want to be my own.
psychofox61: idea...
psychofox61: if i got some of the shit kritschgow had
psychofox61: could maintain long enough to get through review
psychofox61: would probably knock me out for a week afterward
inup2theballs: Don't want you to do that to yourself! >:-O
psychofox61: but i could get my own life back.
inup2theballs: I will sign you back over to you when you're out.
psychofox61: oh
inup2theballs: I just...don't want to see you hurt yourself to do this.
psychofox61: ill contact my friends.
inup2theballs: Thank you.
inup2theballs: I know it means you have to trust me. Completely. Can you feel where I'm at on this?
psychofox61: scared shitless like me.
inup2theballs: But determined.
psychofox61: with good intent not to harm
inup2theballs: And I won't harm you, yes.
psychofox61: guess even if you dont give me back to me, its better than scully owning me.
psychofox61: thought that was okay because she loved me.
psychofox61: better when you love me.
psychofox61: way.
inup2theballs: The only way I wouldn't sign guardianship over to you, is if YOU said you didn't want me to.
psychofox61: not if you thought it was best?
inup2theballs: No.
psychofox61: okay.
inup2theballs: I'm your guardian now. I will take care of you. Stronger than paper. And you are your own man. You always were. You always will be to me.
psychofox61: i guess i know that.
psychofox61: thats how this all started.
psychofox61: thank you alex.
psychofox61: i was waiting for you.
inup2theballs: Thank *you*, Mulder.
psychofox61: yw
inup2theballs: How soon?
psychofox61: i think they can do it pretty quickly
psychofox61: especially if i play on their competitive streak
psychofox61: tell them ill take it to someone with faster kung fu
inup2theballs: LOL!
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: I want you out of there, though. I want you with me.
psychofox61: i need a number for you so they can get the information they need for the paperwork
psychofox61: send it encrypted in a file
inup2theballs: Okay...
psychofox61: ***File transfer successful.***
psychofox61: let me go make a call. have to sign off.
inup2theballs: Mulder?
psychofox61: yeah
inup2theballs: Come back soon.
psychofox61: i will.
psychofox61: hold my hand.
psychofox61: phones are hard.
inup2theballs: I will.
psychofox61: back in a few
psychofox61: ***This user is no longer online.***
psychofox61: ***This user has signed on.***
inup2theballs: Mulder
psychofox61: done
psychofox61: they said by tomorrow morning
psychofox61: or frohike will eat langlys ramonas tshirt
psychofox61: and that. would not be good.
inup2theballs: For anyone I expect.
psychofox61: yeah. im sayin.
inup2theballs: So I can come and get you tomorrow?
psychofox61: yeah. theyll send you the documents you need through email
psychofox61: and make the changes to the system so the hospital recognizes you.
psychofox61: youre my brother.
psychofox61: ;-)
psychofox61: step, once-removed
inup2theballs: Kinky. Still.
psychofox61: lol yeah aint it?
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: so dont grab my ass.
inup2theballs: Damn.
psychofox61: so does this house have furniture?
psychofox61: or just a bed? ;-)
inup2theballs: It's getting more furniture right now. Started with the bed.
psychofox61: i bet.
psychofox61: ive been living with just a bed and fat purple chair for weeks now
inup2theballs: Do you like your chair, Mulder?
psychofox61: hard question.
inup2theballs: I'll get another one.
psychofox61: here, i like it.
psychofox61: but i never wanna see it again once im out.
inup2theballs: I'll get a nice chair. Not like that one. But something that's yours. Or do you want to pick one out now yourself online?
psychofox61: too much
psychofox61: tired
psychofox61: cant shop
psychofox61: like chocolate brown
psychofox61: you do it
inup2theballs: Okay. I will. :-)
psychofox61: thanks. :-)
psychofox61: are you there now?
psychofox61: at our house?
inup2theballs: No. Motel.
inup2theballs: Bedspread's shitty but it's two miles from your hospital.
psychofox61: oh.
inup2theballs: I can't come see you.
inup2theballs: I'd...do bad things.
psychofox61: oh yeah?
inup2theballs: Don't.
psychofox61: mess up the whole brother thing, huh?
inup2theballs: Yesssssss
psychofox61: :-P
psychofox61: no visitors for me without approval of scully
inup2theballs: I could break in...
psychofox61: fox is tucked away in his room like a good boy.
inup2theballs: Shut up, dammit.
psychofox61: yeah i feel that, alex.
psychofox61: alex is a bad boy.
inup2theballs: I wouldn't treat you like that... Even if...
inup2theballs: I can't help it.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: you like the 4points, i know
inup2theballs: Fuck.
psychofox61: might be fun...
psychofox61: take the sting out of them for me.
psychofox61: yeesh
psychofox61: so to speak.
psychofox61: tell ya later.
inup2theballs: Okay.
psychofox61: what are you wearing?
inup2theballs: I don't want to cyber with you.
psychofox61: lol you never said that before
psychofox61: im innocent
inup2theballs: I'm not.
psychofox61: mmm no i feel that
inup2theballs: We should talk about your...rehabilitation.
psychofox61: wow...never experienced this before...
inup2theballs: What?
psychofox61: i feel your arousal, which feeds mine
psychofox61: i think sex is gonna be interesting
inup2theballs: But you shouldn't have it right away. It might kill you or something.
psychofox61: lmao!!!
psychofox61: orgasms bring equilibrium back to an unsettled energy system, alex.
psychofox61: temporarily.
inup2theballs: Wouldn't I...hurt you?
psychofox61: i dunno. would you? ;-)
psychofox61: coming is very grounding. i try to jack off every day. its very good for me.
inup2theballs: Oh shit.
psychofox61: whooo
psychofox61: whoa
psychofox61: ohyeah
psychofox61: can YOU feel that?
inup2theballs: Feel what? This huge erection?
psychofox61: um
psychofox61: you feed me feed you feed me WHOA
inup2theballs: I'm not wearing enough. Need to be in snow gear...parka...chastity belt.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: just thinking about you touching me makes me shiver
psychofox61: gasp eyes closed
psychofox61: kinda scary
inup2theballs: Yeah.
psychofox61: so what's for breakfast?
psychofox61: :-P
inup2theballs: I have no idea, Mulder. Your penis?
inup2theballs: sorry
inup2theballs: sorrysorrysorryugh
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: dizzy
psychofox61: i hate naps.
psychofox61: i rest.
psychofox61: i dont take naps.
psychofox61: >:-P
psychofox61: >:-[
inup2theballs: Are they trying to make you take a nap now, Mulder?
psychofox61: theyd like that.
inup2theballs: How do you feel?
psychofox61: woozy
psychofox61: eyes closing
psychofox61: hard as all fuck
psychofox61: shaky
inup2theballs: You should rest.
inup2theballs: I feel like that, too.
inup2theballs: Maybe we could rest together.
psychofox61: mmm
psychofox61: gonna touch yourself?
inup2theballs: I don't know. You?
psychofox61: no. daylight. i would SO get caught.
inup2theballs: Then I won't.
psychofox61: especially since i dont think i could be quiet with this one.
psychofox61: bad fox.
inup2theballs: Home soon.
psychofox61: yeah.
psychofox61: so are you coming back later tonight?
inup2theballs: Yes.
inup2theballs: Can't stay away.
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: Rest. And feel me.
psychofox61: oh i do.
psychofox61: bad alex.
psychofox61: bad naughty alex and fox.
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: theyll wake me for lunch in two hours.
inup2theballs: I'll be here.
psychofox61: see you then. :-)
inup2theballs: All right. :-)
psychofox61: ***This user is no longer online.***
psychofox61: ***This user is now online.***
inup2theballs: You there?
psychofox61: yeah. :-)
inup2theballs: Hi.
psychofox61: hi alex
inup2theballs: I'm nervous.
psychofox61: i know
psychofox61: take it easy
psychofox61: one thing at a time
inup2theballs: What's the first thing?
psychofox61: youre sweet. i never knew that.
inup2theballs: You think I'm sweet? Really?
psychofox61: yeah.
psychofox61: cute
psychofox61: in your cluelessness.
inup2theballs: I just...I've never done this. Especially with you. I mean, I've never done it period.
psychofox61: i know. youre cute. me neither tho you know.
psychofox61: treat it like a mission.
inup2theballs: Yeah?
psychofox61: yeah.
psychofox61: operation: spring the fox
inup2theballs: Okay.
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: :-)
psychofox61: now we just wait for the documentation to come through.
psychofox61: and we go over the plan.
inup2theballs: All right. The plan. I don't tongue-kiss you in front of the staff so that they have serious questions about the intentions and attentions of your brother.
psychofox61: :-)
psychofox61: not tongues, no.
psychofox61: but you are, after all, russian, so cheek kisses are okay. i mean, everyone does that in russia, right, krycek?
inup2theballs: Yes. Everyone.
psychofox61: course well both get incredibly hard incredibly fast...does everyone in russia do that, too?
inup2theballs: > snort<
psychofox61: your name is andrew baker.
inup2theballs: Oh yeah? Am I an Andy or a Drew?
psychofox61: i would say...andy.
inup2theballs: k
psychofox61: or perhaps just andrew.
psychofox61: very serious.
psychofox61: maybe wear a suit.
inup2theballs: Really? Okay.
inup2theballs: I'm not driving to the beach in one though. I'll bring us both an extra change of clothes.
psychofox61: ill just be in jeans
psychofox61: i dont have to impress anyone
psychofox61: im the crazy one.
psychofox61: sorry
psychofox61: dont get mad
inup2theballs: I'm not mad. You're leaving there and I'll be telling you how sane you are everyday from tomorrow on.
psychofox61: that your idea of talking dirty?
inup2theballs: Nope.
psychofox61: heh
psychofox61: okay then.
psychofox61: the plan.
psychofox61: how far a drive is it?
inup2theballs: It's about two and a half hours.
inup2theballs: Can you make it? Are cars really bad things?
psychofox61: they can be.
psychofox61: i may need to sleep.
psychofox61: especially on the freeway
psychofox61: definitely there
inup2theballs: I can play ocean sounds in the car... ?
psychofox61: depeche mode
inup2theballs: Can do.
psychofox61: dont want you to fall asleep
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: I'll be fine.
inup2theballs: 8-)
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: quiet side roads are okay
psychofox61: freeways are bad
inup2theballs: May take longer. Like four hours or so... You okay with that?
psychofox61: yeah
psychofox61: or i can just sleep through
psychofox61: if i sleep its not a problem for me
inup2theballs: I think it'll be better if it's faster and you sleep. But it's really up to you.
psychofox61: lets do it your way.
psychofox61: get home.
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: lots of people is bad
psychofox61: stores bad
psychofox61: crowds of any kind bad
psychofox61: is the house away from town?
inup2theballs: Yes. Very private.
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: I chose it for you.
inup2theballs: Even though I didn't know if you'd...
psychofox61: thank you.
psychofox61: i didnt know if you knew that crowds were bad.
inup2theballs: I just assumed.
inup2theballs: And this place felt...right.
psychofox61: nice.
inup2theballs: I hope you like it. If you don't, we'll sell and get something you do like.
psychofox61: im sure its fine.
psychofox61: wonderful even.
psychofox61: when you get here tomorrow, the nurses will have to pack my stuff
inup2theballs: Not you? Or me?
psychofox61: i dont have the energy
psychofox61: you can
inup2theballs: I'm sorry. I didn't mean you should. Didn't mean to be insensitive. I want to do it. I just thought they weren't going to let you. Or either one of us.
psychofox61: yeah theyll let you.
inup2theballs: Okay. Good.
psychofox61: thank you.
psychofox61: i dont really want them in there messing with my stuff.
psychofox61: ill try to help.
inup2theballs: No, you won't. Not until you're stronger.
psychofox61: :-*
inup2theballs: I want to take care of you.
psychofox61: i know.
psychofox61: i need it.
psychofox61: wish i didnt, but...
psychofox61: i want to get better. in control of this.
psychofox61: i think it can be a gift if only i can control it.
psychofox61: i always wanted to be psychic
inup2theballs: You will be. You will control it. I'll help you.
psychofox61: i believe that.
psychofox61: i see it, actually.
psychofox61: i really was waiting for you.
psychofox61: good thing you came to me.
inup2theballs: I just wanted you for the work.
inup2theballs: I'm sorry. :-(
psychofox61: yeah thats what you thought, anyway.
inup2theballs: So you're saying, I really did it for this? That it's...fate?
psychofox61: you want me, krycek. its understood. ;-)
psychofox61: yeah, all roads lead to the same end eventually
psychofox61: glad we got around to this one in this lifetime
inup2theballs: It's understood... Are you listening to 'It's No Good'? ;-)
psychofox61: lol no but youre good.
inup2theballs: So are you now?
psychofox61: lol you do know me.
psychofox61: are you?
inup2theballs: Yes.
psychofox61: neato.
inup2theballs: Do you want me not to say I love you?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: i mean i dont want that
psychofox61: i mean i want you to say it
psychofox61: if you want
psychofox61: i like it
psychofox61: :-P
inup2theballs: I love you, Mulder.
inup2theballs: Nervoius
psychofox61: makes me a little hard
inup2theballs: That I'm scared?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: when you say that.
psychofox61: i love you.
inup2theballs: Me, too.
psychofox61: cool.
psychofox61: i dont say it as much. doesnt mean i dont love you.
psychofox61: had people say it to me a lot and not mean it.
psychofox61: hard for me to say it. seems...plastic? easier to show it.
inup2theballs: Show it...
psychofox61: touching, kissing, holding, smiles, that kind of thing
psychofox61: im a toucher
inup2theballs: I noticed.
psychofox61: :-\
psychofox61: but yeah
psychofox61: had to touch you
psychofox61: had to
inup2theballs: Don't make yourself sick. I liked it. Or well, I wanted it.
psychofox61: not sick. a little pain in chest.
psychofox61: fingertips buzz with the need to touch you.
inup2theballs: Typing insufficient.
psychofox61: :-)
psychofox61: you say it, ill show it
psychofox61: i get the feeling youre not used to touching people
psychofox61: being touched
psychofox61: held
inup2theballs: No. I'm not. Held? Mulder...
psychofox61: you dont want to be held?
inup2theballs: YES! I do. I...never guessed you'd want that.
psychofox61: i had a grandmother. she kissed and hugged me a lot. helped normalize that for me even though my parents never did.
inup2theballs: Nobody ever did that in front of me...to me... I'd never kissed anyone on the cheek before you.
psychofox61: wow.
psychofox61: but you have kissed.
psychofox61: i get it. all sex.
inup2theballs: Haven't kissed much. Stopped. Nobody ever meant it. I don't like kissing during sex, and I never had any lovers, so... Been a lot of years, Mulder.
psychofox61: oh.
psychofox61: i like kissing.
psychofox61: been several years for me, too, but well...i did a lot of making out in college.
psychofox61: id like to kiss you.
psychofox61: id mean it.
inup2theballs: I didn't mean I didn't want you to kiss me. I want you to. Because I know you would mean it. I mean it. I don't think I've ever wanted to before now.
psychofox61: that excites me. to teach you to love kissing. love kissing me. being kissed by me. im up to the task. ;-)
inup2theballs: I'm up to the balls. :-)
psychofox61: oughta work for hallmark, krycek.
psychofox61: so do you cook?
inup2theballs: Been awhile. But I can relearn.
psychofox61: do you like it?
inup2theballs: I did before. I just haven't led a life where I had the opportunity...desire...
psychofox61: before?
inup2theballs: Before I led this life, Mulder. Before I chose wrong.
psychofox61: i know. i just wanted more info.
psychofox61: college?
psychofox61: as a kid?
psychofox61: at home with your family?
inup2theballs: I helped cook when my father died and my mom got sick. I guess I did it through high school.
psychofox61: thank you alex.
inup2theballs: For what?
psychofox61: telling me that. dont pretend it was easy.
inup2theballs: Okay.
psychofox61: what can you make?
psychofox61: i make eggs.
psychofox61: well, made.
inup2theballs: I can make several chicken things. I can make meatloaf, potato soup, casseroles, spaghetti... I remember bread pudding...
psychofox61: chicken's my favorite. :-)
psychofox61: bread pudding is awesome
psychofox61: i love all that shit actually
psychofox61: woohoo
psychofox61: feed me
inup2theballs: Really?
inup2theballs: You're excited?
psychofox61: yeah.
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: are you?
psychofox61: i mean about cooking for me.
psychofox61: or is it a pain?
inup2theballs: Yeah. Nervous and excited.
inup2theballs: No! Not a pain.
inup2theballs: I just want to do it right.
psychofox61: im not picky.
psychofox61: youll do great.
inup2theballs: How do you know?
psychofox61: wish i was eating your food tonight.
inup2theballs: What are you eating tonight?
inup2theballs: I noticed you slept through lunch. I was getting worried.
psychofox61: im fine. :-)
psychofox61: salisbury steak tonight
psychofox61: i get a choice between three options each meal
inup2theballs: What were the other two?
psychofox61: fish sticks, frittata
psychofox61: it was a bad night
inup2theballs: I like fish sticks. Prefer real fish and chips, but... Hey, there's a pub-type restaurant about a mile from the house. It's actually the closest 'crowd' place around. I'm sure I could order out...
psychofox61: oh wow...
psychofox61: i love fish and chips
inup2theballs: I figured you might. :-)
psychofox61: why?
inup2theballs: Oxford.
psychofox61: yeah.
psychofox61: got a taste for em.
inup2theballs: That might be a good thing to eat your first night. I might not be able to cook since I'll be busy getting you settled. Might be best. ?
psychofox61: sounds fucking awesome.
psychofox61: with beer.
inup2theballs: Yeah? You mean to replace the Haldol?
inup2theballs: You're not still going to take it, are you?
psychofox61: yeah i figured id get a scrip
inup2theballs: Oh. Okay. I'm sorry. I shouldn't make assumptions. Do you...think you'll need it...forever?
psychofox61: no.
psychofox61: i dont want it at all. just...dont want to make too many changes at once.
psychofox61: this might be hard.
psychofox61: or it might be easy.
inup2theballs: Okay. Whatever you need to adjust with it...hurting.
psychofox61: i dont anticipate it hurting.
psychofox61: just being exhausting.
psychofox61: see, the psychic waves use up my energy.
psychofox61: so i dont have a lot left for life.
psychofox61: so anything that takes energy, like moving, takes what i have.
psychofox61: but its not the moving that actually hurts me.
inup2theballs: I want to make it as easy on you as possible.
psychofox61: i know.
psychofox61: haldols a crutch
psychofox61: but i need it for now.
psychofox61: ill wean myself as quickly as possible, believe me
psychofox61: and i really shouldnt have beer
psychofox61: bad fox.
inup2theballs: I think the thing that might be hard for me...is stuff like that. Wanting you to take control of your own life, but not wanting you to do things that are bad for you and not knowing when to step in.
psychofox61: gonna stop me?
psychofox61: ;-)
inup2theballs: I'm serious. I want you to have your freedom. I guess I won't stop you, no. Unless I see you destroying yourself with something. Or really harming yourself. I don't think I'll be able to allow that.
psychofox61: oh yeah?
psychofox61: could get interesting.
inup2theballs: I know you're bullheaded. But you're also smart, Mulder.
psychofox61: just ask me. if its good for me. i will begrudgingly tell you. :-\
inup2theballs: Okay. Thank you.
psychofox61: then youll know, and we can fight it out. ;-)
inup2theballs: LOL!
inup2theballs: Okay. 8-)
psychofox61: cant wait.
inup2theballs: Mulderrrrrr... Bad Fox. ;-)
psychofox61: O:-)
inup2theballs: Oh bullshit...
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: yeah, i wanna see you try to take away my beer.
psychofox61: bring it on.
inup2theballs: All right. I'll take you on. You wanna throw down?
psychofox61: anytime, baby.
inup2theballs: Soon enough, Mulder.
psychofox61: im really hoping they dont call scully.
psychofox61: i want to call her from the house.
inup2theballs: They might. We can pack up fast and leave.
psychofox61: yeah
psychofox61: that would be a mess.
psychofox61: thats why we made you family.
inup2theballs: But she knows I'm not.
psychofox61: but to them it trumps even personal physician.
inup2theballs: You sure you don't want Krycek to just come in the middle of the night and break you out?
psychofox61: its damned tempting.
psychofox61: id rather have alex though.
inup2theballs: Okay. We'll make it work. It'll be okay. I won't let anything happen to you if I can help it.
psychofox61: you show up, wave around your power of attorney, look imposing, dont take no for an answer, intimidate desk staff and we should be fine.
inup2theballs: I can do that. ;-)
psychofox61: pack fast and split.
inup2theballs: I can do that, too. Then you just sleep and coast all the way there.
psychofox61: all the way home.
inup2theballs: Yeah. Home.
psychofox61: then after a rest, i call scully.
inup2theballs: Sounds good.
psychofox61: sounds terrifying.
inup2theballs: I'll be there. I'll hold your hand.
inup2theballs: Hell, I'll call her for you if you want.
psychofox61: lol!
psychofox61: what would you say?
inup2theballs: 'Hi, Scully. This is Alex Krycek. I have Mulder. I'm not gonna hurt him. He'll call you when he feels up to it.' ?
psychofox61: oh yeah thatd work.
inup2theballs: But see, you could just be out on the private beach looking at and listening to the ocean. No hurt.
psychofox61: alex, i would so feel it.
psychofox61: especially when she traces the call and shows up with a swat team.
inup2theballs: Well, she won't trace me. But still, you're right that it needs to be you. I just wish it didn't.
psychofox61: the trick is for me to sound sane.
psychofox61: like im no longer having problems.
psychofox61: strong voice, complete sentences
psychofox61: that kinda thing
inup2theballs: And that hurts you.
psychofox61: specially with what shes gonna be radiating.
inup2theballs: I'm sorry. How can I help?
psychofox61: hold my hand.
inup2theballs: I will.
psychofox61: sit very close. touching.
psychofox61: you can ground me.
inup2theballs: Do you want to eat Oreos while you talk?
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: stare at the ocean tho
psychofox61: out on the deck?
inup2theballs: Great view. Yes. Can see for miles.
psychofox61: mmmmmm
psychofox61: chaise lounge?
inup2theballs: Done.
inup2theballs: I'll be next to you, holding your hand. You're gonna be all right.
psychofox61: i know.
psychofox61: kiss you after.
inup2theballs: If you have it left to give. If not, kiss me later.
psychofox61: or you kiss me.
psychofox61: will be breathless.
psychofox61: soft kisses
inup2theballs: Kiss your cheek...
inup2theballs: Kiss your neck.
psychofox61: :-)
psychofox61: um...
psychofox61: sex on the beach after?
inup2theballs: No alcohol for you. ;-)
psychofox61: a fuck on the sand after?
inup2theballs: Yesssssssss
psychofox61: :-)
psychofox61: soft and gentle, k?
inup2theballs: Yes. Easy. I'll do all the work. You relax.
psychofox61: mmmm
psychofox61: i want you now.
psychofox61: what, its playing.
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: ;-)
psychofox61: sorry has to be soft and gentle.
inup2theballs: Don't be sorry. I don't want to hurt you. Or you to hurt yourself.
psychofox61: its probably not what you pictured.
psychofox61: you did...picture...right?
inup2theballs: Yes. I pictured, Mulder.
inup2theballs: And you're right. It wasn't what I was thinking before this happened to you. Since we've been talking, though, and I know what you're going through, my fantasies have kind of changed.
psychofox61: okay then.
psychofox61: mine too.
psychofox61: i pictured.
inup2theballs: Mulder...I want it every which way.
psychofox61: swinging from a chandeliere?
inup2theballs: The house doesn't have one yet. You want one? We could just get a swing from a sex toy catalog.
psychofox61: oh man.
psychofox61: happy birthday fox.
inup2theballs: :-)
inup2theballs: Mulder? Have you ever had sex with a man before?
psychofox61: not really.
inup2theballs: Not...really? Was your aim off or something, Mulder? ;-)
psychofox61: no yours was.
psychofox61: seriously, though. some sloppy kissing, heavy petting. that's it.
inup2theballs: College? High school? ...before??
psychofox61: college.
psychofox61: room mate.
inup2theballs: So...you were able to just *stop* with the heavy petting and not...keep going?
psychofox61: are you asking if i came?
inup2theballs: Yeah. I guess so.
psychofox61: yeah i came.
inup2theballs: So the heavy petting was really more a hand-job.
psychofox61: all right yes.
inup2theballs: Doesn't make you gay, Mulder. It's all right. :-)
psychofox61: shut up. i know that.
psychofox61: and it was more than one.
inup2theballs: More than one time or more than one person? Or both.
psychofox61: um
psychofox61: three times with the room mate devon
psychofox61: and then there was this party...
inup2theballs: One time at band camp?
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: Are you okay with talking about this, Mulder? Do you find it upsetting?
psychofox61: fuck no.
psychofox61: i love talking about sex.
psychofox61: shall i continue?
inup2theballs: So there was this party... ;-)
psychofox61: :-)
psychofox61: and i was kissing this girl on the couch. and i felt this strong hand start squeezing me. but both her hands were on my back.
inup2theballs: Oh yeah? Keep going...
psychofox61: i started moaning and couldnt make myself pull away from the hand, and before i knew it, i was coming.
inup2theballs: Sorry, yeah, go on
psychofox61: alllex...
inup2theballs: I'm not!
psychofox61: so she keeps kissing me, whimpering and shit, thinking shes the one getting me this hot
psychofox61: climbs on me and stuff, and by the time she was...done...riding me through our clothes...
psychofox61: the guy was gone. never knew who it was.
inup2theballs: Never?
psychofox61: no
psychofox61: never told anyone
inup2theballs: No one?
psychofox61: who the hell am i gonna tell?
psychofox61: a girlfriend?
psychofox61: dont think so.
psychofox61: certainly not that one! lol
inup2theballs: LOL! I suppose not!
psychofox61: i pictured different guys it could have been
psychofox61: three potential suspects
inup2theballs: Devon?
psychofox61: wasnt there.
psychofox61: there was one quiet guy, markus.
psychofox61: thought he might have been gay. that was my only criteria for including him.
psychofox61: bradley, who kinda seemed like the type to stick it anywhere
inup2theballs: LOL!
psychofox61: guess i lucked out huh?? could ended up with more than a handjob
inup2theballs: But you had your pants on, at least. And your mouth was busy.
psychofox61: yes.
psychofox61: lavar was the third. artsy type. african american. very pretty and very bi.
psychofox61: seemed shy but id put money on it being him.
psychofox61: he touched me a lot.
inup2theballs: So four times? Four hand-jobs?
psychofox61: yes.
psychofox61: and one guy at a club.
psychofox61: but we just rubbed against each other on the dance floor. i freaked out and pulled away before i came that time.
psychofox61: does that count?
psychofox61: i was very drunk
psychofox61: trying to recreate my couch experience.
inup2theballs: You don't have to count it if you don't want to.
psychofox61: what matters is if you count it.
psychofox61: is it not sex if you dont come?
inup2theballs: It was an experience. A same-sex one. I think it counts just fine.
psychofox61: then five.
psychofox61: and thats really it.
inup2theballs: Are you sure you want this, Mulder?
psychofox61: you?
psychofox61: yes i want you!
psychofox61: why would you ask that?
psychofox61: just because im practically a gay virgin?
psychofox61: because i freaked out at the club?
psychofox61: i didn't know him! couldn't see him! he started touching me, i thought of the couch, got hard, then realized i was being a whore!
psychofox61: youre hurting me
inup2theballs: You weren't being a whore, Mulder. Just listen to me.
psychofox61: my chest hurts dont doubt me
inup2theballs: All right. I'm sorry.
psychofox61: you can say what your concerns are.
psychofox61: im sorry.
psychofox61: but yes alex i want you to make love to me.
psychofox61: very badly in fact.
psychofox61: ive never felt anything like i feel with you.
psychofox61: okay whats your concern?
inup2theballs: I guess...if you feel that strongly...if you can say all that to me, knowing who you're saying it to, not having any illusions about it... Then I don't have any. Not any big ones.
psychofox61: good.
psychofox61: dont make me smack you.
psychofox61: you think i dont know who im going home with???
psychofox61: i feel you. i read you. i 'see' you. i see IN you.
inup2theballs: I...feel that. I think. I think I can feel what you see. I don't doubt you...psychofox61: you need me. i see that. and i need you.
psychofox61: its damned simple, krycek.
inup2theballs: :-)
inup2theballs: Can I ask you another question? It's not about doubt. It's still about sex. ;-)
psychofox61: then yes.
psychofox61: and you can anyway. i dont mean to censor you. if you have questions you need to ask them and get them answered if were gonna make this work
psychofox61: even if its hard for me
psychofox61: do it.
inup2theballs: Do you always want to Top me?
psychofox61: oh.
psychofox61: uh.
psychofox61: i guess that comes up in gay sex huh.
psychofox61: pitcher, receiver...
psychofox61: im babbling.
psychofox61: by 'top' i guess you mean fuck?
psychofox61: or...?
psychofox61: i guess i need a definition, here, before i answer that.
inup2theballs: You don't even have to know all this right now. I just didn't know if you had a set idea of what you wanted to do with me.
psychofox61: :-\
inup2theballs: Am I hurting you? I feel really calm...
psychofox61: no.
inup2theballs: Okay. Can I go on?
psychofox61: yes
inup2theballs: Thing is, I want you to fuck me. That's Topping, in one sense. I also want to take care of you. Kind of Topping from the bottom in a way.
psychofox61: do you want to fuck me?
inup2theballs: Yes.
inup2theballs: But please don't be scared...
psychofox61: im not.
inup2theballs: Yes you are.
psychofox61: no im not
inup2theballs: Okay, you're not.
psychofox61: physical pain doesnt scare me.
inup2theballs: Mulder...I don't want to hurt you. I'm pretty sure I could make it feel really good. I *don't* want to anytime soon, and if you *never* want to, that's okay.
psychofox61: i want to try it all.
inup2theballs: So do I.
inup2theballs: Wow...
psychofox61: just because i havent doesnt mean i wont.
psychofox61: thats kind of a life motto with me.
inup2theballs: I understand. :-)
psychofox61: plus, i cant do much until i get my strength back, so youll be doing most everything
psychofox61: cant see how i could really fuck you. :-(
inup2theballs: Don't worry about it.
psychofox61: do you give head?
inup2theballs: Yes, Mulder.
psychofox61: well some guys dont
psychofox61: didnt wanna assume
inup2theballs: I'm not one of them. I like it. I want to.
psychofox61: do you want me to suck you?
inup2theballs: If you want to.
psychofox61: thats a wishy washy answer.
inup2theballs: Yes. I really, really want you to suck my cock.
psychofox61: okay then.
psychofox61: i think id like to try that.
psychofox61: if you can be patient with me.
inup2theballs: Yes.
psychofox61: lying down.
inup2theballs: You can be on your side or your back whichever.
psychofox61: back?
psychofox61: oh you want to feed it to me.
inup2theballs: Bad, bad Fox.
psychofox61: what? you started it.
inup2theballs: I *was* only thinking of your comfort. Mulder.
psychofox61: you wanna fuck my fat mouth, krycek.
psychofox61: youre not the first to want it you know.
psychofox61: just the first to get it.
inup2theballs: I won't hurt you.
psychofox61: i know.
inup2theballs: Make it good for you...
psychofox61: mmmmm i know.
inup2theballs: We can do everything with you on your back, you know.
psychofox61: everything?
inup2theballs: Yes.
inup2theballs: Everything.
psychofox61: is it good that way for you?
inup2theballs: Don't worry. It will be.
psychofox61: so...youve fucked a lot of guys i guess.
inup2theballs: Not really.
inup2theballs: Does that surprise you?
psychofox61: enough that im not sure i believe you.
psychofox61: when was your last?
inup2theballs: I found somebody to suck my cock the night after I came to you with Weikamp.
psychofox61: like i said. you wanna fuck my fat mouth, krycek.
inup2theballs: Of course I do. You know I do.
psychofox61: i didnt know you did.
psychofox61: it passed through my mind...
inup2theballs: LOL!
inup2theballs: It did, did it?
psychofox61: yes.
inup2theballs: Did you like what you saw?
psychofox61: me on the floor, you standing over me...
psychofox61: i didnt hate it.
psychofox61: you woulda had to threaten me with the gun
inup2theballs: Of course.
psychofox61: maybe grab me by the hair and pull me in
inup2theballs: That's not what I want now...
psychofox61: never?
inup2theballs: Not never. Just not yet.
inup2theballs: And Mulder, if you want that, I'll have to pull you in by my gun hand.
psychofox61: oh yeah.
psychofox61: sorry.
inup2theballs: It's okay. It's easy to forget. I'm a good typist.
psychofox61: yeah you are.
inup2theballs: I got a new one. But I can't manage a gun with it yet. NOT going to practice on you. Even if it's not loaded.
psychofox61: you wouldn't have to hold a gun on me now.
inup2theballs: I thought that's what you wanted. The fantasy...
psychofox61: well, you could just growl and yank me in.
psychofox61: ;-)
psychofox61: heres the thing.
psychofox61: i have no fear of you physically.
psychofox61: never did.
psychofox61: so its all totally safe.
psychofox61: what i feared was your lies.
psychofox61: but i never ever was afraid of you hitting or otherwise physically hurting me.
psychofox61: just knew you wouldnt.
inup2theballs: Are you still afraid of the lies?
psychofox61: no.
psychofox61: i can tell now you know.
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: that makes you happy? i was afraid that would freak you out.
inup2theballs: I'm not planning to lie.
psychofox61: oh. of course.
inup2theballs: And if I slip up, you'll know, and I'll be so grateful. I don't want to do it anymore, Mulder.
psychofox61: you need me. i need you. damned simple.
inup2theballs: Yes. It is.
psychofox61: i know you wont even pull my hair without permission.
inup2theballs: No.
psychofox61: you have permission.
psychofox61: i feel that. you dont have to you know.
inup2theballs: Okay.
inup2theballs: I can try if you ever really want me to.
psychofox61: first we get you used to being held. kissed. loved.
inup2theballs: That sounds...terrifying. And really good.
psychofox61: youll get used to it. ;-)
psychofox61: if you ever get sick of being touched, just tell me 'dont touch me again' and ill stop. heh
inup2theballs: LOL!
psychofox61: NOT
inup2theballs: Why do I deserve this?
psychofox61: its not about deserving it. i need you to do this. you need to.
psychofox61: ive needed you to choose me for a long time, alex.
psychofox61: from the beginning.
psychofox61: so just do it and shut up aleady.
psychofox61: well dont shut up.
inup2theballs: Okay. I choose you, Mulder.
psychofox61: :-)
psychofox61: if you had just figured out that you 'deserved' me before...but i dont want to talk about that. im just saying that you need to let yourself have me. because i need to be had. ;-)
inup2theballs: I want you more than anything I've ever wanted. And those other things...didn't feel good like this. They just felt necessary.
psychofox61: well dont worry. ill make you work for it. for me. ;-)
psychofox61: youll earn me.
inup2theballs: What if...
inup2theballs: I don't want to hurt you by asking...
psychofox61: its okay. that was wrong of me to demand of you. ask.
inup2theballs: What if I fail you?
psychofox61: what are you afraid youll do?
inup2theballs: Unintentionally hurt you. Just from not knowing how to be a good person.
psychofox61: ill help you with that. keep you on a short leash.
inup2theballs: You won't...want to leave?
psychofox61: cant promise that.
psychofox61: can you?
psychofox61: we may hate this.
inup2theballs: Really don't want to leave now... Can't imagine it. But I guess I can't promise anything either.
psychofox61: right. but that would be a really stupid reason to not do it.
psychofox61: whats between us is very strong, alex.
psychofox61: always has been.
psychofox61: it mutated into something painful precisely because it was so powerful to begin with.
inup2theballs: The last thing I want to do is not do this.
psychofox61: then stop worrying. and lets do it.
inup2theballs: All right. :-)
psychofox61: good boy.
psychofox61: good alex.
psychofox61: pat pat pat
inup2theballs: :-P
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: had my dinner while we were talking but ill bet you didnt.
inup2theballs: No. Kinda hungry.
psychofox61: kinda tired.
psychofox61: big day tomorrow.
inup2theballs: God yes.
psychofox61: you go eat a great dinner and think of how you arent going to be catered to anymore youre gonna be doing the catering. lol
inup2theballs: I want to take care of you.
psychofox61: then come and get me while im fresh.
inup2theballs: Sleep good, Mulder.
psychofox61: i will. ill sign on first thing when i get up, so you can tell me what time to expect you.
inup2theballs: I'll be here. I'll be ready.
psychofox61: see you in the morning alex
inup2theballs: Operation: Spring the Fox. ;-)
psychofox61: :-)
inup2theballs: Night. :-)
psychofox61: nite
psychofox61: ***This user is no longer online.***
Next morning...
inup2theballs: Ready? :-)
psychofox61: yes.
psychofox61: got the papers?
inup2theballs: Yes.
psychofox61: wow.
inup2theballs: I'm in my best suit.
psychofox61: oooo nice.
inup2theballs: I'm bringing blue jeans and a t-shirt to change to in some gas station. This itches.
psychofox61: lol
psychofox61: pussy.
psychofox61: im in my softest, most comfortable jeans and a teal tshirt.
inup2theballs: Good. I want you comfortable.
psychofox61: well...so...gonna come and get me or what?
inup2theballs: Yes.
inup2theballs: Nervous.
inup2theballs: Not about getting 'caught.'
inup2theballs: Good nervous.
inup2theballs: :-)
psychofox61: yeah.
psychofox61: just dont let them see that.
inup2theballs: Sha!
psychofox61: lol
inup2theballs: I'll be there in a few minutes, Mulder.
psychofox61: oh god okay
psychofox61: bye alex!
inup2theballs: Bye, Mulder.
inup2theballs: I love you.
inup2theballs: ***This user is no longer online.***
This story continues in Sacred 2, but is unfinished.