I Want to Believe
by Satina and Shannon
Date First Posted: 3/26/05Rating: NC-17 * Pairing: M/K
Archive Permissions: Freely given, but please use HTML format to preserve the IM quality.
Disclaimers: Mulder and Krycek are not my characters. They belong to Fox and Chris Carter.
Warnings: Kind of unfinished, BDSM power games
Summary:
This takes place about a month following the events of Tunguska/Terma. Mulder gets an IM from an old anonymous informant, who happens to be recuperating from a terrible injury and is looking for some solace in the only place he's ever known it.
Feedback Welcomed HERE.
Return to The M/K Shrine
truthzRevealed: agent mulder? you there?
iwant2believeX: Hey kid, haven't see you in awhile.
truthzRevealed: hey. yeah. i know.
iwant2believeX: How's it going?
truthzRevealed: been better. how are you?
iwant2believeX: Just got back from a hell of a trip, but I'm in one piece, so can't bitch too much.
truthzRevealed: i'm really glad to hear you're okay.
iwant2believeX: Yeah, I always make it through. Glad to see you have, too.
truthzRevealed: making it. yeah.
iwant2believeX: Well, last time we talked, I wasn't sure I'd ever hear from you again. You were going underground. Glad to see you're still around.
truthzRevealed: still around. came out from under. gone back now.
iwant2believeX: Hey, I'm not ungrateful for all the intel you've given me, but maybe you need a new line of work, truthz.
truthzRevealed: it's not safe, agent mulder. not for me, you, anybody up there.
truthzRevealed: i can't give up.
truthzRevealed: are you there?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, I'm here.
truthzRevealed: i'm sorry. that i had to leave...lose touch.
iwant2believeX: I understand.
iwant2believeX: I'm glad you're back.
iwant2believeX: I thought about you a lot. Wondered how it was going for you.
truthzRevealed: not too good. i thought about you too. i kept wanting to get back here but it was never possible.
iwant2believeX: I'm glad it is now.
truthzRevealed: things led me back here.
iwant2believeX: Is there something I can do to help you?
truthzRevealed: no. you can't do anything.
truthzRevealed: do you have time for this? talking here?
iwant2believeX: Sure!
truthzRevealed: i'm stuck where i am. limited access to things. have my laptop. that's it.
iwant2believeX: Hey, I'm here. It's Saturday afternoon and raining, so I got no plans.
truthzRevealed: if it wasn't raining. what would you be doing?
iwant2believeX: Sometimes I pick up a basketball game at the park.
iwant2believeX: Or drop in at the gym for a swim.
truthzRevealed: sounds good.
iwant2believeX: I'm glad I signed onto this name. I haven't in awhile. Just seemed like a good thing to do on a drizzly day.
truthzRevealed: i only sign on to this name to talk to you. and i haven't gotten to in a while.
iwant2believeX: So you've got some time on your hands, eh?
truthzRevealed: yes. time. i'm on hold.
iwant2believeX: Are you safe? Where you're at?
truthzRevealed: yeah. nobody around. i look out.
iwant2believeX: Guess you must. You're still here.
truthzRevealed: and so are you. you been taking care of yourself?
iwant2believeX: Well...I'm still here.
truthzRevealed: in one piece.
iwant2believeX: Yep. Small hole in my head, but no brain leakage...
truthzRevealed: hole?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, was in a car...well, truck accident of sorts. Head wound. Kinda nasty, but at least I didn't have to shave my head or anything.
truthzRevealed: that's good.
iwant2believeX: Yeah. Me and short hair...not good.
truthzRevealed: so you've been back from your trip for a while?
iwant2believeX: About a month now, I guess.
truthzRevealed: good.
truthzRevealed: back to normal?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, or as close as I get to it. ;-)
truthzRevealed: seen any good ghosts lately, agent mulder?
iwant2believeX: Actually, yes. Sort of. Reanimated into...mud. Oh, and a Mexican goat sucker.
truthzRevealed: mexican goat sucker?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, turned out to be a weird rain-fungus that mutated the human genome and created physical anomalies. But the locals called it El Chupacabra. Goat sucker.
truthzRevealed: sounds interesting. did you have fun?
iwant2believeX: Um...not so much on that one, no.
truthzRevealed: what about your dirt ghost?
iwant2believeX: That was more fun. Got to do some grave digging. Good times.
truthzRevealed: :-)
truthzRevealed: i'm sorry there's no intel. that i have nothing for you this time.
iwant2believeX: Hey, that's okay. Just good to see you're all right.
truthzRevealed: thanks.
iwant2believeX: You're not, are you. All right, I mean.
truthzRevealed: not really, agent mulder.
iwant2believeX: Is it something you can...talk about?
truthzRevealed: i'd rather not. if that's okay with you.
iwant2believeX: Sure. No problem.
truthzRevealed: it's good to talk to you. makes things better.
iwant2believeX: I'm really glad, truthz.
iwant2believeX: Wanna hear about more of my cases?
truthzRevealed: yes. :-)
iwant2believeX: I've had a lot of gross ones, lately. How's your stomach?
truthzRevealed: oh. not as iron as it used to be. sorry.
iwant2believeX: Hey, that's okay.
iwant2believeX: Um, well...the trip. Guess I could tell you some stuff about that.
truthzRevealed: all right.
iwant2believeX: Well, it wasn't exactly a vacation, but it was very enlightening.
truthzRevealed: how so.
iwant2believeX: Well, I definitely got a view of the BIG picture.
truthzRevealed: did you?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, and now I'm making the connections here in the states.
iwant2believeX: This could break everything I've worked for wide open.
truthzRevealed: good. that's really good.
iwant2believeX: Now don't get jealous or anything. Your intel was always great, too. ;-)
truthzRevealed: no, don't worry about me. go on.
iwant2believeX: Well, it has to do with colonization, (which we've talked about before) and a possible way to stop it.
truthzRevealed: and the connections you've made in the states? good follow thru?
iwant2believeX: Fascinating stuff, yeah.
truthzRevealed: are you protecting yourself? if this is as big as you say, you need to be careful.
iwant2believeX: As much as I ever do, kid.
truthzRevealed: it may not be enough now. i've seen...some bad things lately. it's getting harder out there.
iwant2believeX: Yeah, believe me. I know how repulsive these people are. They're using innocent people as lab rats. Prisoners, senior citizens in rest homes...it's sick.
truthzRevealed: as long as you're okay...
iwant2believeX: I'm here, ain't I? And I just might be immune to the colonizing force, now.
truthzRevealed: how do you know that?
iwant2believeX: Remember those lab rats? Got myself a good close-up view of what it feels like. They tested on me. One of the most horrible experiences of my life. But the vaccine they shot me up with worked.
truthzRevealed: i'm sorry about what you went thru. at least it worked. does that...make your trip worth it? at all?
iwant2believeX: Oh sure, of course. All part of the job. This ain't no normal life I've chosen, any more than yours is, kid.
truthzRevealed: i'm...glad you're all right. i'm really glad.
iwant2believeX: Thanks.
truthzRevealed: so you're continuing to follow up in the us? to investigate these tests and the vaccine?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, although I've kind of run out of leads.
truthzRevealed: maybe i could help you. i'm not completely useless with just a laptop and some time...
iwant2believeX: Hey, that'd be great. As long as it didn't put you in any jeopardy.
truthzRevealed: not any more than i've already put myself in. besides...i need something to do or i'll go crazy.
iwant2believeX: So, are you still working with the same...agency?
truthzRevealed: i'm rogue now. one of the reasons i haven't been able to talk. running all the time.
iwant2believeX: Shit. That's intense. Do you have any backup at all?
truthzRevealed: no. it's just me. i don't trust anyone.
iwant2believeX: Damn.
truthzRevealed: i tried a couple of alliances. i'm not meant to be out in the thick. not like i was trying to do. will do from here. with you.
iwant2believeX: Oh yeah? You wanna piece of my action? :-) You sure about that? Goat suckers and all?
truthzRevealed: think this vaccine lead you've got will take all my time and energy, m.
truthzRevealed: but yes. piece of your action. would be good for me. good for you.
iwant2believeX: Great. I can always use more allies. And maybe I can help you out with your situation after all.
iwant2believeX: If you ever decide to tell me more about it, that is.
iwant2believeX: Hint.
truthzRevealed: don't worry about me. just email what you have. i'll get started on my end.
truthzRevealed: still have my email?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, I still have it.
truthzRevealed: good.
truthzRevealed: i...have to go.
iwant2believeX: Oh, okay. When do you want to meet again?
truthzRevealed: tomorrow. same time.
iwant2believeX: Can do.
iwant2believeX: You take care of yourself, kid. You're starting to sound as old as me.
truthzRevealed: aging fast...surpassed you maybe.
iwant2believeX: Hey, don't say that. Shit, you're not even thirty, right?
truthzRevealed: right. not yet. feel...used up, tho.
iwant2believeX: I understand. Hey, whatever's going on, we're in this together now, okay? You're not out there alone. Got that?
truthzRevealed: got that. appreciate it. really have to go now.
iwant2believeX: Okay. I'll see you tomorrow. Stay safe.
truthzRevealed: you too. good night, agent mulder.
truthzRevealed: ***This user is no longer online.***
Next night...
truthzRevealed: yt?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, hi!
truthzRevealed: hi. business first or pleasure?
iwant2believeX: Pleasure, naturally. :-)
truthzRevealed: well, i'm short on that one, actually. sorry. i thought you'd choose business. but i can try for pleasure if you want.
iwant2believeX: I was just hoping your offer meant you were in a better place today.
iwant2believeX: Sorry to hear you're not.
truthzRevealed: i'm fine.
iwant2believeX: Yeah. Right.
iwant2believeX: There's more to life than business, kid. Yes, even for Agent Mulder.
truthzRevealed: what were you doing when i imed?
iwant2believeX: I was on a site with satellite photos of possible landing sites. Just fun stuff. And waiting for you.
iwant2believeX: You know there's one in the Himalayas and the townspeople take it for granted that there's a hidden base there?
iwant2believeX: It's so cold and isolated, with such amazingly shitty climate that no one ever gives them any trouble.
truthzRevealed: amazingly shitty huh? aren't there people who live on the mountain...between india and china...ladach?
iwant2believeX: Ladakh, yeah! Yeah, there are people living there. And yeah, amazingly shitty.
truthzRevealed: but they're self-sufficient...purportedly very happy... and there's this base under their feet. yeah, heard of it. not substantiated. but wouldn't be surprised.
iwant2believeX: Want my link?
iwant2believeX: http://www.ufodigest.com/india.html
truthzRevealed: sure...oh, okay. :-)
truthzRevealed: sorry about slow typing.
iwant2believeX: That's all right. Are you okay?
truthzRevealed: had an accident. i'm all right. gonna be.
iwant2believeX: An accident? What kind?
truthzRevealed: attacked. hurt pretty bad. in hospital now. gonna be fine, don't worry about me.
iwant2believeX: You're in the hospital? Oh, well you shouldn't be working, then, stop it!
truthzRevealed: don't go
iwant2believeX: No, I'm not going!
iwant2believeX: I just meant stop helping me and just get better.
iwant2believeX: I'll still hang with ya.
truthzRevealed: i can't give up.
iwant2believeX: You said that already.
iwant2believeX: I'm not asking you to give up. I'm asking you to take a break. And from the looks of things...so is the world.
iwant2believeX: Do you believe in fate?
truthzRevealed: i don't know.
iwant2believeX: Well, I do. And sometimes things happen to us to give us a message about our lives.
truthzRevealed: my message is that i can't give up. you don't understand.
iwant2believeX: Or maybe your message is that you just need to STOP. Take inventory. Take a different route.
truthzRevealed: i am taking a different route.
truthzRevealed: don't want to take inventory.
truthzRevealed: can't stop. will die.
iwant2believeX: We never want to take inventory, but sometimes we have to or we will die.
truthzRevealed: what is inventory to you? a list of all you've got? i don't think that would do me much good right now, agent mulder.
iwant2believeX: No, inventory is looking at your choices, your options, what has happened to you and what you would LIKE to have happen to you.
truthzRevealed: what if what i want is unattainable?
iwant2believeX: Join the club. ;-) Doesn't stop me from trying.
truthzRevealed: you can have the truth. i'll help you. i have to.
iwant2believeX: You have to?
truthzRevealed: yes.
iwant2believeX: Truthz, are those people still after you? The ones who hurt you?
truthzRevealed: no. think i'm dead. pretty sure.
iwant2believeX: Well hey, that gives you some freedom then doesn't it?
truthzRevealed: freedom. mulder, i'm stuck here. hurt. don't trust anyone. can't do anything. except this. have to do this. trust only you.
iwant2believeX: I'm glad I'm here for you, truthz.
truthzRevealed: ever gone rogue?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, I went on the run once when I got ahold of probably the hottest piece of intel I've ever handled.
truthzRevealed: sucks. but better than the alternative.
iwant2believeX: Yeah.
iwant2believeX: Lost my father, and my partner lost her sister. And I pretty much died, myself, but got a second chance due to some friends of mine.
truthzRevealed: i'm sorry.
iwant2believeX: It was a bad, shitty time.
iwant2believeX: I never told you about it because that was about the time you disappeared.
truthzRevealed: long time ago. still hurt bad?
iwant2believeX: It wasn't that long. Only a couple of years.
truthzRevealed: still hurt bad.
iwant2believeX: Sometimes.
iwant2believeX: I mean, it's not like dad and I were close or anything. God, far from it.
iwant2believeX: I've done a lot of thinking about why it hurt so much, since we had no relationship.
iwant2believeX: He always seemed so disgusted with me. Disappointed in me. Irritated by me.
iwant2believeX: I guess I'm pissed because I'll never hear him say he's sorry for how he treated me all those years. Or say that he actually did love me. He never said that. Not once. Not even when I was little.
truthzRevealed: i'm sorry.
iwant2believeX: It's okay. He probably never would have said it anyway.
iwant2believeX: He'd called me over to tell me something. Something about his past and his involvement with my work.
iwant2believeX: I've thought a lot about that, too.
iwant2believeX: I'm glad he didn't get to say much. Because I would have hated him even more.
iwant2believeX: For having answers that whole time and not sharing them. For letting me work my ass off and nearly get killed several times trying to find out something he could have just told me himself.
iwant2believeX: He was a bitter, selfish, cruel, cowardly fucker.
iwant2believeX: Sorry. Guess I'm more upset than I thought.
truthzRevealed: it's all right. don't apologize to me, please.
iwant2believeX: I just don't mean to unload on you. Sounds like you have problems of your own.
truthzRevealed: none worse than yours.
truthzRevealed: i'd really like to tell you what i found now...the business...if that's okay. i want to give you something.
iwant2believeX: Sure, I don't want you to have done all that for nothing. But after this, take it easy, okay?
truthzRevealed: clinic in maine. it's a front. owned by company called protox, but...
truthzRevealed: did digging and found protox is subsidiary of rousch pharmaceuticals. dirty. know they're doing kind of tests you experienced.
iwant2believeX: Oh wow....
truthzRevealed: don't go
truthzRevealed: not yet
iwant2believeX: I won't.
truthzRevealed: know your rep for taking off
iwant2believeX: Oh you do, do you?
truthzRevealed: yes. not hard to know, m. :-)
iwant2believeX: ::rolls eyes::
truthzRevealed: lol
iwant2believeX: Really?
truthzRevealed: yes. hurt, dammit.
iwant2believeX: Sorry.
iwant2believeX: You started it.
truthzRevealed: that i did.
truthzRevealed: anyway...
truthzRevealed: will know more in a couple days on clinic. need you to let me do this.
iwant2believeX: I understand. I always turn to the work.
iwant2believeX: Just stay out of trouble, truthz.
truthzRevealed: will try.
iwant2believeX: Do or do not, there is no try.
truthzRevealed: star wars junkie, m?
iwant2believeX: Sci fi nerd, truthz.
truthzRevealed: have a vcr here, but crappy movies.
iwant2believeX: Mine ate my best...movie...last night. Probably time for a new one. If you give me an address, I'll send you some of the good stuff....
truthzRevealed: maybe later. thank you.
iwant2believeX: Damn. ::snaps fingers in disappointment::
truthzRevealed: good try. like it when you're sneaky.
iwant2believeX: 8-)
truthzRevealed: nurse here. sorry. telling her to go away.
iwant2believeX: It's okay. I'm not going anywhere.
truthzRevealed: don't need her.
iwant2believeX: Okay.
iwant2believeX: So, what crappy movies have you been reduced to watching lately?
truthzRevealed: caddy shack. ed wood. young frankenstein. turn them all off.
iwant2believeX: Hey!
iwant2believeX: What, are you crazy???
iwant2believeX: Those are CLASSICS!
truthzRevealed: they may be but i don't like them.
iwant2believeX: You've gotta be kidding me.
truthzRevealed: is that the good stuff you would be sending me?
iwant2believeX: Well....
iwant2believeX: Yeah!
truthzRevealed: lolow
iwant2believeX: What's that??
truthzRevealed: laughed again ow
iwant2believeX: Oh man, sorry. ;-)
truthzRevealed: didn't know laughing could hurt in such weird places.
iwant2believeX: Well, I guess if laughing hurts, I can see how you wouldn't want to watch such AMAZINGLY STUNNING comedic genius on film.
iwant2believeX: What weird places?
truthzRevealed: amazingly shitty, you mean, mulder.
iwant2believeX: No. I mean amazingly stunning. And WHAT weird places?
truthzRevealed: just where i'm hurt.
iwant2believeX: You're hurt in weird places? I get that, too.
truthzRevealed: stop making me laugh. it doesn't feel right to. nothing is right. why can i laugh?
iwant2believeX: What do you mean, why can you laugh?
truthzRevealed: thought laugh was dead.
iwant2believeX: Well, I'm happy to prove you wrong.
truthzRevealed: nurse really bugging now. hang on?
iwant2believeX: Of course.
iwant2believeX: Get an extra hit of morphine for me. :-D
truthzRevealed: no morphine. won't take it.
iwant2believeX: Oh. Codeine, then?
truthzRevealed: no narcotics.
iwant2believeX: Have you had problems with addictions, truthz?
truthzRevealed: could say.
iwant2believeX: Okay. Well, I admire your strength in turning down the narcotics.
truthzRevealed: better pain than too out to defend myself if attacked again. not drugged when attacked, tho. no good excuse. just stupid.
iwant2believeX: Or fate.
truthzRevealed: too much to think about.
iwant2believeX: Sorry, don't mean to piss you off. I won't bring it up again.
truthzRevealed: not pissed off. not at you.
iwant2believeX: Thanks. I can be a real ass sometimes, though.
truthzRevealed: like a good ass sometimes.
iwant2believeX: Oh.
iwant2believeX: Hey, um, we never talked about our personal lives...
truthzRevealed: and you don't want to start now? ;-)
iwant2believeX: Didn't say that.
iwant2believeX: Do you?
truthzRevealed: do i not want to start now?
iwant2believeX: LOL...yeah. ;-)
truthzRevealed: it's okay. will take my mind off the pain.
iwant2believeX: Okay then.
iwant2believeX: So...
truthzRevealed: so
iwant2believeX: Personal lives, huh?
truthzRevealed: if you want, mulder. doesn't have to be full disclosure.
iwant2believeX: Oh hell I don't care.
truthzRevealed: sound like you do.
iwant2believeX: No, actually, I just can't find a way to ask YOU about yours. Without sounding like a dork.
truthzRevealed: dork away. like dorks. not a problem.
iwant2believeX: You know, that word has a really interesting etymology.
truthzRevealed: oh really.
iwant2believeX:
Slang. A stupid, inept, or foolish person: “the stupid antics of America's favorite teen-age cartoon dorks” (Joshua Mooney).
Vulgar Slang. The penis.
iwant2believeX: Did you know that?
truthzRevealed: lol no, mulder. ow :-)
iwant2believeX: :-)
iwant2believeX: Still like 'em?
truthzRevealed: i suppose we're skipping right to the 'vulgar slang'?
iwant2believeX: Go for it.
truthzRevealed: i told you i liked you sneaky. ;-)
truthzRevealed: and i just love dorks, thank you for asking.
iwant2believeX: 8-)
truthzRevealed: happy now?
iwant2believeX: One curiosity satisfied, yes.
truthzRevealed: all right. go ahead. investigate me.
iwant2believeX: I always wondered. Never heard you talk about a girl or use any of the terms or phrases that would indicate you even wanted one or thought about them...
truthzRevealed: have i pulled that tired gender-nonspecific pronoun thing?
truthzRevealed: 'how was your date?' 'oh, THEY were fine...' ;-)
iwant2believeX: No, you never really talked about anyone at all. But straight guys, even ones who aren't getting any, use the language of wanting pussy.
truthzRevealed: the language of wanting pussy. ow
iwant2believeX: LOL
iwant2believeX: Whereas, gay men don't use the language of wanting cock except with other gay men. Or people they're *really* out to.
truthzRevealed: well, i'm fluent. so now that i'm out i can start using the language if you want.
truthzRevealed: even though i can't imagine...well, getting it any time soon.
iwant2believeX: No cute male nurses?
truthzRevealed: couple.
iwant2believeX: Oh yeah?
truthzRevealed: doesn't matter.
iwant2believeX: Gotten a good sponge bath lately?
iwant2believeX: That's so stupid. I've been in the hospital a lot, and not ONCE did I ever feel like getting a goddamned spongebath. Most humiliating thing I've ever gone through.
iwant2believeX: But it's such a classic, I had to go for it.
truthzRevealed: humiliating. yeah.
truthzRevealed: i bathe my goddamned self, mulder.
iwant2believeX: Sorry.
truthzRevealed: not mad at you. mad at...this.
iwant2believeX: I know.
iwant2believeX: I make stupid jokes. It's how I deal.
truthzRevealed: it's all right. don't apologize, please.
iwant2believeX: Why? I'm not perfect, I fuck up, I apologize.
truthzRevealed: they don't want me. cute male nurses.
truthzRevealed: don't want pity fuck anyway.
truthzRevealed: not ugly. so you know. just...fucked up right now. don't look so hot. repulsive.
iwant2believeX: Man, you should have seen me after some of my run-ins.
iwant2believeX: I think I was butt-ugliest after the microscopic forest bugs.
iwant2believeX: I was in the hospital for WEEKS after that one.
truthzRevealed: know you want to help. appreciate it, m. been here for a while. may not bounce back real good.
iwant2believeX: Sorry. I have no idea what you're going through.
iwant2believeX: And don't tell me not to apologize again, dammit.
truthzRevealed: k don't be mad. don't want you to be mad and go.
iwant2believeX: I'm not mad and I'm not going.
iwant2believeX: Even though you're not letting me talk about how butt-ugly I can be.
truthzRevealed: go ahead. you're lying.
iwant2believeX: Oh I'm SOOOO not.
truthzRevealed: yes you are
iwant2believeX: All right. See, the little bugs...millions of em...attached to my whole body, all over it, covering it, then bit me. Millions of tiny little bites. Everywhere.
iwant2believeX: Yes, there, too.
truthzRevealed: ow
iwant2believeX: They sucked out my vital fluids and put me in a coma state for over a week.
iwant2believeX: They went up my nose and down my throat. I couldn't talk for three weeks.
iwant2believeX: Couldn't walk for one week after I woke up.
iwant2believeX: Used a walker for a week after that.
iwant2believeX: So, me, unable to eat anything, skinny, pale as death except for millions of tiny red bite marks, lips dry and cracked, throat a raspy croak, head covered in a little paper hospital hat because I'm in quarantine...
iwant2believeX: Shuffling around with a walker in my little paper dress.
iwant2believeX: Now come on.
iwant2believeX: That's pretty butt-ugly and scary, man.
truthzRevealed: you recovered.
truthzRevealed: i'm going to have scars, m.
truthzRevealed: bad. really, really bad scars.
truthzRevealed: for the rest of my life.
iwant2believeX: I'm sorry.
iwant2believeX: (Don't even think about telling me not to apologize!)
iwant2believeX: What kind of scars, truthz?
truthzRevealed: the ugly kind, mulder.
iwant2believeX: Dammit, truthz, just tell me.
iwant2believeX: I'm waiting....
iwant2believeX: I'm not going anywhere until you do.
iwant2believeX: And I'm not going anywhere after you do.
truthzRevealed: i lost my arm.
iwant2believeX: Oh.
iwant2believeX: Well, that sucks. But...and don't track me down and kill me for saying this but...it could be worse, T.
truthzRevealed: could have been my dick, you mean?
iwant2believeX: Well yeah. That really *would* suck.
iwant2believeX: Seriously, what I mean is, you're here. You made it through. You can still walk and talk and think, and they're doing amazing things with prosthetics these days.
truthzRevealed: if i ever get one.
iwant2believeX: Having trouble with that?
truthzRevealed: i'm having my third surgery in two days. it was...messy. the amputation.
iwant2believeX: You'll get the prosthetic, T. I've got friends I can call to help you. My partner has friends in the medical community, and I have people on the cutting edge of microtechnology and bioengineering.
truthzRevealed: it's...not ready. the stump.
iwant2believeX: It will be.
iwant2believeX: T, it will be.
iwant2believeX: Let me help you.
truthzRevealed: i don't know if i can let you do that.
iwant2believeX: You said you trust me.
truthzRevealed: yes. it's not that.
iwant2believeX: Then what?
truthzRevealed: it's...not how i operate. i'm rogue. i'm willing to help you, i just...
iwant2believeX: You can't be rogue forever. That's not how life is meant to be lived.
truthzRevealed: you want to hook me up with an arm?
truthzRevealed: that would make you happy?
iwant2believeX: Well, yes, it would make me happy to be able to help you.
truthzRevealed: ok
iwant2believeX: Thank you. Are you in a good hospital? We can get you transferred to the best.
truthzRevealed: it's fine. i bitch, but they're good. and it's private. and safe.
iwant2believeX: I understand. If you feel safe there, you should probably stay. Do you have really good surgeons?
truthzRevealed: yes. this was my second opinion. my first was no fewer than 10 surgeries. this should be my last one here. four tops.
iwant2believeX: In two days, did you say?
truthzRevealed: m, why are you doing this?
iwant2believeX: T, the stuff you've given me has made a huge difference in my work. Once it even saved my life. I've never given you anything but my friendship in return.
truthzRevealed: i don't want more. i never have.
iwant2believeX: But *I* want to give it.
truthzRevealed: i don't understand. i mean, i know i've gotten you intel. good intel. this is different. this is personal. i don't get it...
iwant2believeX: I like you, kid.
truthzRevealed: guess i've spent a lot of time underground. or running. something... that sentence is in a foreign language.
iwant2believeX: Do you like me?
truthzRevealed: i do. yeah.
iwant2believeX: Well, flip it around, and it'll translate. ;-)
truthzRevealed: thank you.
iwant2believeX: You're welcome. I think you need to come in out of the cold, T.
truthzRevealed: it's not pity is it?
iwant2believeX: No, you little punk.
truthzRevealed: this isn't charity? are you sure about that?
iwant2believeX: Yes.
iwant2believeX: I don't do charity.
iwant2believeX: I give at the office.
truthzRevealed: okay. what did you mean by in from the cold?
iwant2believeX: Come up from being underground. Quit working alone in the shadows. Let someone help you do it differently.
iwant2believeX: Well, not just someone.
iwant2believeX: Me.
truthzRevealed: you don't understand.
iwant2believeX: So help me.
truthzRevealed: you call me kid because i'm not thirty yet...
iwant2believeX: 28, right?
truthzRevealed: you think i'm a good kid because i've helped you.
truthzRevealed: yes. 28
iwant2believeX: No, I don't.
truthzRevealed: listen. you may not feel pity, but you're feeling something dangerous. you should just let me keep helping you and let it be that. don't push me to come in out of the cold.
truthzRevealed: you may not like what you get.
iwant2believeX: Are you going to hurt me?
truthzRevealed: no. i'm not.
iwant2believeX: Are you going to hurt others?
truthzRevealed: i don't want to. but i have.
iwant2believeX: So have I.
truthzRevealed: mulder, i'm not with the fbi. my agency has endorsed insanity. i've done things. really bad things.
iwant2believeX: Do you want to keep doing them?
truthzRevealed: no. i didn't want to keep doing them when i went rogue.
truthzRevealed: they taught me too well. i've done them anyway because it's what i know how to do and what seems necessary.
iwant2believeX: Are you willing to learn another way?
truthzRevealed: willing...? yes. able. i'm not so sure.
iwant2believeX: Willing IS able.
truthzRevealed: i want to believe that.
iwant2believeX: Heh.
truthzRevealed: mulder...
truthzRevealed: i'm in a hospital, with one arm, and a laptop. i've been thinking. not because i want to. i've had to. i can't avoid it.
iwant2believeX: Taking inventory.
iwant2believeX: Not that I'm sayin' "I toldja so." But...
truthzRevealed: you want an inventory? you deserve one...
truthzRevealed: i've lied.
truthzRevealed: i've manipulated.
truthzRevealed: stolen
iwant2believeX: So far that's all in my job description...
truthzRevealed: i've deceived.
truthzRevealed: i've turned my back on suffering in the name of some higher purpose.
iwant2believeX: Also sometimes necessary.
truthzRevealed: i've been ordered to kill.
truthzRevealed: i've taken out hits.
truthzRevealed: i've committed cold blooded murder.
truthzRevealed: and i've betrayed.
iwant2believeX: You're an assassin.
truthzRevealed: yes. i was.
iwant2believeX: Are you just using me?
truthzRevealed: no. i want you to use me.
iwant2believeX: Sounds like you're looking for redemption.
truthzRevealed: i was thinking amends. but if i can go one further and get redemption...i'll take it. even if i don't deserve it.
iwant2believeX: Atonement.
iwant2believeX: You want to atone. Is that right?
truthzRevealed: you've got the dictionary over there... tell me exactly what you think i'm asking for and i'll tell you if you're right.
iwant2believeX: To make atonement is to do that by virtue of which alienation ceases and reconciliation is brought about.
truthzRevealed: but i don't deserve that.
iwant2believeX: Everyone does. It's part of the human blueprint. Atonement.
iwant2believeX: If it wasn't, why would anyone ever stop 'sinning'?
truthzRevealed: i don't want god's mercy. i want a man's.
iwant2believeX: Just one?
truthzRevealed: yes.
iwant2believeX: Atonement isn't about the other person, it's about you.
iwant2believeX: If you do your part, turn away from sin and do that which causes your alienation from God to cease, God does his part and reaches back. It's between you and God.
truthzRevealed: i didn't know you were religious.
iwant2believeX: I'm not. Just giving you the definition.
iwant2believeX: So if this one man reached back, that's all you'd need?
truthzRevealed: yes. then this...thing...would make sense. then i could...do better.
iwant2believeX: That's pretty dangerous. Giving one person that much power in your life.
iwant2believeX: He could abuse you. Use you. Make you continue to do bad things. Totally destroy you.
truthzRevealed: he won't. well, he might destroy me. that's his choice. he won't do the other things.
iwant2believeX: Doesn't matter. It can't be about someone else, T. You can't control him. You can only control you.
iwant2believeX: Why do you want to stop doing the things you've been doing?
truthzRevealed: they hurt him. they hurt me. i won't survive.
iwant2believeX: What if they didn't hurt you or him, and you could be relatively assured of survival?
iwant2believeX: Would you want to do them then?
truthzRevealed: would hurt more than physical.
iwant2believeX: You?
truthzRevealed: both of us.
iwant2believeX: Leave him out of it.
truthzRevealed: yes me, then.
iwant2believeX: So to do these things would hurt you.
truthzRevealed: yes. now they would. always did, but i turned it off. can't turn it off anymore. hurts.
iwant2believeX: Then it has nothing to do with him. It's you. You don't want to do that anymore.
iwant2believeX: Do you love him?
truthzRevealed: what?
iwant2believeX: I'd say you do.
iwant2believeX: Doesn't have to be sexual love, but you obviously love him in some way. You give him the power over your very soul, T.
truthzRevealed: he's earned it, believe me.
iwant2believeX: That's not for me to say. So. We've established this isn't just about wanting his forgiveness, then, right?
iwant2believeX: It's about you wanting to live a different life. For you.
truthzRevealed: part of me wants to keep doing it the old way. just to prove that i can. like this.
iwant2believeX: Like this?
truthzRevealed: crippled.
iwant2believeX: Pride.
iwant2believeX: But don't you think it takes even more power and strength to make a big change in the way you do things? To use this horrible event as a springboard to a better life, if I may be so trite?
truthzRevealed: you sound like those commercials on at 3 am. springboard to a better life...
iwant2believeX: Bite me. ;-)
iwant2believeX: Seriously.
iwant2believeX: What sounds scariest? Going back to doing the old shit? Or making a huge change and doing things in a whole new way?
truthzRevealed: newiwant2believeX: Well then. If you wanna show the world how macho and shit you are, you'd better do that.
iwant2believeX: Truthz?
iwant2believeX: Hey...are the nurses harassing you?
iwant2believeX: Well, I'm here...when they're done with you...
truthzRevealed: tried to take you away from me. thought i'd become suicidal. i hit one. not hard. kept my laptop, tho.
iwant2believeX: Shit! T!
truthzRevealed: deserved it.
iwant2believeX: They were taking the laptop?
truthzRevealed: going to. move it and 'see about' me. i don't need seeing about. try to take a one-armed man's laptop, i'm only gonna put it down long enough to hit her.
iwant2believeX: LOL! Her? Oh man...you didn't hurt her, did you?
truthzRevealed: no. not hard, i told you. slapped at her. just get her away.
iwant2believeX: Why was she taking it away?
truthzRevealed: just gonna move it off me and take my vitals and shit. thought because i'm...crying...something was wrong.
iwant2believeX: Oh.
iwant2believeX: So, ya gonna be a pussy and go back to the old life? Or are ya gonna cowboy up and start a new one.
truthzRevealed: are you my motivational coach? are you about to tell me i'm gonna be living in a van down by the river?
iwant2believeX: LOL! I love that skit!
iwant2believeX: Oh man, don't watch that if laughing hurts!
iwant2believeX: T, I wouldn't say any of this shit unless I thought you were ready for it. You sound ready for it.
truthzRevealed: it doesn't matter how hard the new is. i have to.
iwant2believeX: Why?
truthzRevealed: because it's killing me not to. piece by piece.
iwant2believeX: Sounds like you're ready.
truthzRevealed: yeah.
truthzRevealed: i guess i am.
truthzRevealed: i even have a place i'd like to start.
iwant2believeX: All right. How can I help?
truthzRevealed: just let me tell you something.
iwant2believeX: Okay.
truthzRevealed: it's the hottest piece of intel i've got.
truthzRevealed: it's my beginning. maybe my end. i don't know.
truthzRevealed: i'll quit being cryptic and just tell you.
truthzRevealed: mulder, it's me. it's krycek.
truthzRevealed: i'm your kid, your informant. i always have been.
truthzRevealed: you haven't signed off. are you still there?
iwant2believeX: yes
truthzRevealed: they come and cut your arm off too?
iwant2believeX: They almost did, thanks to you...
truthzRevealed: i know. i was so relieved to hear that they didn't.
truthzRevealed: you said you got back in one piece. i know you didn't know what that would mean to me... but i got it. and i was grateful.
iwant2believeX: Grateful.
truthzRevealed: new to me but yeah
iwant2believeX: They really...
iwant2believeX: They cut off...
truthzRevealed: yes
iwant2believeX: Oh. God.
truthzRevealed: look, it's your kid's arm. this is no different. it's been gone this whole time, okay?
truthzRevealed: no different...of course it is.
truthzRevealed: he was never your enemy. your betrayer. he was just your friend.
iwant2believeX: It's real.
iwant2believeX: Now.
iwant2believeX: I've never seen his arm.
iwant2believeX: I've felt yours.
iwant2believeX: It's...gone? Off?
truthzRevealed: yes. all of it.
truthzRevealed: you have a smallpox vaccination scar.
truthzRevealed: above that.
truthzRevealed: are you there?
truthzRevealed: mulder.
truthzRevealed: are you okay?
iwant2believeX: Am...I...okay?
truthzRevealed: yes! are you vomiting or something? i think it's a legitimate question.
iwant2believeX: Yes! Okay? Yes, I was throwing up! Do you feel better? Is that what you wanted to know? GOD!
truthzRevealed: no... i don't want you to.
truthzRevealed: i just wanted to know if you were all right.
iwant2believeX: You...care?
iwant2believeX: Oh God. It's...me, isn't it. I'm..."him."
truthzRevealed: of course you are.
iwant2believeX: Me? You'd give ME that kind of power over your life???
truthzRevealed: i sure haven't done one goddamned scrap of good with the power all to myself.
iwant2believeX: But...
iwant2believeX: ME???
truthzRevealed: do you believe in fate, mulder?
iwant2believeX: You know I do.
truthzRevealed: then why are you so surprised that it's you.
truthzRevealed: who else would fate give me to?
iwant2believeX: I don't know!
iwant2believeX: I don't know anything about you!
truthzRevealed: yes you do.
truthzRevealed: you know the very worst. and you know the very best. not a whole lot in between.
iwant2believeX: You...we met online after I returned to the X-Files...a few months after you LEFT!
iwant2believeX: Oh my GOD! YOU! Truthz! Truthz killed my father???
truthzRevealed: i'm sorry. in a way, he didn't. truthz wanted to atone for krycek leaving you. that's why he contacted you to begin with.
truthzRevealed: i didn't know how to do it myself, mulder. i had to create a whole new person. and i let him give you things i couldn't.
iwant2believeX: YOU WERE MY FRIEND!
iwant2believeX: What are you, MPD???
iwant2believeX: How could you do that!?
truthzRevealed: i was already truthz, your friend, when they told me to. they told me to do it or you would die.
iwant2believeX: You could have warned me!! Something!
truthzRevealed: no i couldn't have. you wouldn't have believed.
iwant2believeX: I would have! I believed truthz! He never lied to me!
truthzRevealed: no! you wouldn't have!
truthzRevealed: it would have ended you and truthz! it would have taken everything...
iwant2believeX: Why?? Just because he had inside information on a hit put out on my father?
truthzRevealed: no. no, mulder. it's so much more. it's what i never wanted you to know. it's so much worse than his death.
truthzRevealed: you don't want to KNOW!!!!
iwant2believeX: You...killed him to protect me from...this...whatever this is?
truthzRevealed: yes
iwant2believeX: Krycek, I need to know.
iwant2believeX: Krycek, I'll never be able to stop thinking about this...I have to know!
iwant2believeX: Krycek, please. Please, you know I have to know.
truthzRevealed: jesus.
truthzRevealed: mulder, i don't want to just keep hurting you...
truthzRevealed: shit
truthzRevealed: i took out the hit on your father because your father was going to kill you.
iwant2believeX: WHAT?
truthzRevealed: it's true, mulder, i'm sorry.
iwant2believeX: KILL ME? WHY?
truthzRevealed: because he would have rather killed you than have you discover the extent of his crimes, his cruelty, or his involvement.
truthzRevealed: the smoker called an emergency meeting. said he'd been to see bill mulder...
truthzRevealed: said he was in bad shape, asked about you...your continued protection...
truthzRevealed: the smoker had his phone tapped. said before he called you to come up to the vineyard, he called a clean up crew.
truthzRevealed: do you know what a clean up crew is, mulder?
iwant2believeX: Yes, for fuck's sake, YES!!!!!!!!!
truthzRevealed: i'm sorry. i'm so fucking sorry.
truthzRevealed: the smoker sent me to the vineyard. told me to hurry if i wanted to see you alive another day.
iwant2believeX: The smoker???
truthzRevealed: saved you. chose you over your father.
iwant2believeX: Why would he do that, Krycek?????
truthzRevealed: mulder, god, don't do this to yourself right now. all at once. please.
iwant2believeX: TELL ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!
truthzRevealed: bill mulder is not your biological father. a man named cgb spender is. the smoking man.
truthzRevealed: he told me he'd kill me if i ever told you that.
iwant2believeX: He...wasn't...my...father...
truthzRevealed: neither one of them was.
iwant2believeX: What is THAT supposed to mean???
truthzRevealed: i'm sorry. i don't want to make this worse...
iwant2believeX: Jesus...
iwant2believeX: It can GET worse???????????????
truthzRevealed: i just meant...you never had the father you deserved.
iwant2believeX: He HATED ME!
iwant2believeX: He fucking HATED ME and now I KNOW WHY!
iwant2believeX: I never believed it before because he had no reason to actually HATE ME...so I convinced myself I was WRONG...but OH MY GOD!!!
iwant2believeX: My sister! What did that motherfucker do to MY SISTER????????????????//
iwant2believeX: OH GOD PLEASE KRYCEK
truthzRevealed: i have reason to believe she's still alive.
truthzRevealed: she was used in genetic experiments. you had a case earlier this year where you saw the results of the experiement. clones that looked like your sister...
truthzRevealed: before the smoker called me in to...do the hit...i was hunting down information on your sister. anything i could get. and i was close...
truthzRevealed: i wanted to give you something. something to take away what i did to you, mulder. when i left.
truthzRevealed: cardinale was to be framed for bill mulder's murder. the hit on scully was a set up. i was going to kill cardinale.
truthzRevealed: he disobeyed orders...orders that i was to do the hit. he fired on her himself.
truthzRevealed: the smoker knew i would go to you. i'm not sure how, other than that, like the smoker himself, i would, ultimately, protect you above him or the project.
truthzRevealed: so he tried to have me killed and the tape destroyed in the process. i'd become a liablity. a weakness.
truthzRevealed: i escaped and went on the run with the tape. i could no longer pursue your sister's whereabouts or my ims with you as truthz. i was just trying to stay alive.
iwant2believeX: And then I found you in Hong Kong.truthzRevealed: yes
iwant2believeX: And you threw Kallenchuk to the wolves and made sure I was on the inside of the door before you ran.
truthzRevealed: least i could do.
truthzRevealed: couldn't let you have the tape, tho.
iwant2believeX: Oh, I would have gotten it off you, Krycek.
truthzRevealed: and i would have died and you would have been devastated. like you are now. by the information on that tape.
iwant2believeX: Then all hell broke loose and...OH FUCK. You wouldn't have left me in that gulag, would you.
iwant2believeX: Oh GOD. It's my fault. It's all my fucking fault!
truthzRevealed: no it's not mulder!
iwant2believeX: You were trying to get me out! I fucking KNOW it! Why else would you be schmoozing the camp commandant...why would you even still be there???
truthzRevealed: to steal their vaccine.
iwant2believeX: You...were going to leave me there?
truthzRevealed: no. you're right. i could have stolen the vaccine pretty quickly. i was working for an escape window for you, but...
truthzRevealed: i withheld big information from you. from the start. i fucked it up. i could have been your partner but i couldn't stop all the fucking bullshit...
truthzRevealed: the deception, half-truths...the instinct to keep myself alive and the stupid assumption that you wouldn't have watched my back.
iwant2believeX: I would have.
iwant2believeX: I would have died trying to stop them, Krycek.
truthzRevealed: maybe that's why it happened the way it did... because you would have. died.
iwant2believeX: I'm so fucking sorry.
truthzRevealed: why. you just gave all this pain the only meaning i've been able to see or understand.
truthzRevealed: and it can't be just that. it has to be...about losing something. punishment. reckoning. so that i can start over.
truthzRevealed: mulder?
iwant2believeX: Are you really 28?
truthzRevealed: yes.
iwant2believeX: And gay?
truthzRevealed: yes.
iwant2believeX: And you love me?
truthzRevealed: i don't know. i guess i'd lose my arm to keep you alive. what does that mean?
iwant2believeX: It means you love me, you dumb punk.
truthzRevealed: ow
iwant2believeX: So...is this a sexual thing?
truthzRevealed: of course. i'm gay. you're...you.
truthzRevealed: does that...freak you out.
iwant2believeX: LOL...God, laughing through fucking TEARS here, Krycek! After everything you told me, I'm supposed to be freaked out because you wanna fuck me????
truthzRevealed: i don't know anymore mulder. jesus...
iwant2believeX: So...surgery in two days?
truthzRevealed: yes
iwant2believeX: And they're...good people?
truthzRevealed: yes. just people.
truthzRevealed: good until they try to take my laptop, i guess.
iwant2believeX: LOL!
iwant2believeX: Sooo...
iwant2believeX: Where the FUCK are you, Alex?
truthzRevealed: houston.
iwant2believeX: Texas??
truthzRevealed: yes, houston, tx, mulder.
iwant2believeX: Ah...yeah...makes sense now...the whole 'steers and queers' thing.
truthzRevealed: lolow
truthzRevealed: why do you wanna know where i am.iwant2believeX: Always have. Just figured with you loving me and all, you might actually tell me this time.
truthzRevealed: so...you're...okay? with that?
iwant2believeX: What?
truthzRevealed: i've never said it.
iwant2believeX: You don't have to. If you don't want to.
iwant2believeX: I can't return it...yet.
truthzRevealed: you said yet.
iwant2believeX: Yeah, I did.
truthzRevealed: how can you...
truthzRevealed: do that.
iwant2believeX: Fuck another guy?
iwant2believeX: Well, I hear you should use lots of thick lube, do plenty of finger prep work...
truthzRevealed: mulder...
iwant2believeX: Angle up to hit the prostate...
truthzRevealed: how could you ever...feel... love me.
iwant2believeX: I've liked you for a couple of years now.
iwant2believeX: And I think you're...well...pretty.
truthzRevealed: thought
iwant2believeX: THINK
iwant2believeX: If losing the arm is what it took for you to finally stop self-destructing and destroying me in the process...well...I have unique feelings about that.
truthzRevealed: studies show that symmetry is one of the keys to people finding each other attractive. like if your face... oh.
truthzRevealed: unique feelings?
iwant2believeX: Yeah.
iwant2believeX: I'm still really fucking sorry it happened...but if it had to happen...
iwant2believeX: I just mean...
iwant2believeX: I'm not going to think it's ugly.
truthzRevealed: it's gone, mulder. it's really. all. gone. you don't KNOW
iwant2believeX: Like that's what fucking MATTERS here???
iwant2believeX: How many inches you have left from where they cut??? FUCK, ALEX! Jesus! It's about what it MEANS!
iwant2believeX: If you hate it, fine, hate it, but God I just might not, okay, if it means you're finally fucking MINE!!!! OKAY???? IS THAT FUCKING CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU???????????
iwant2believeX: I'm sorry.
truthzRevealed: don't
truthzRevealed: don't be sorry
truthzRevealed: yes, mulder.
truthzRevealed: yes, i think i understand.
iwant2believeX: Do you hate me for it?
truthzRevealed: no
truthzRevealed: god no
iwant2believeX: Seems really fucking selfish.
truthzRevealed: you let it mean something different for me.
truthzRevealed: you let me make it something i can..
truthzRevealed: something i can...
iwant2believeX: Alex?
iwant2believeX: It's okay.
truthzRevealed: it wasn't for nothing.
truthzRevealed: it was for this.
iwant2believeX: And that...helps?
truthzRevealed: YES
iwant2believeX: Good.
truthzRevealed: nurses. coming back.
truthzRevealed: have to do what they say now.
iwant2believeX: Okay. No more decking nurses tonight.
truthzRevealed: didn't deck dammit
iwant2believeX: ;-) No more smacking them, either, Alex.
truthzRevealed: ow
iwant2believeX: So...I'm going out of town tomorrow...but I'll be back in a few days.
iwant2believeX: I'm sorry I can't talk to you before the surgery, but I'll sign on as soon as I get home.
truthzRevealed: okay
iwant2believeX: Want me to put some vids in the mail for ya?
truthzRevealed: yes. thank you. whatever you like.
iwant2believeX: Oh man...all righty then! You asked for it! The Mulder care package.
truthzRevealed: care...
iwant2believeX: Yeah. Care.
truthzRevealed: have to go.
truthzRevealed: be careful, mulder.
iwant2believeX: Bye for now, Alex. See you in three days.
truthzRevealed: ***This user is no longer online.***
Three days later...
iwant2believeX: Hey, you there?
truthzRevealed: mulder?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, it's me. How are you? Does it hurt to type?
truthzRevealed: no. right arm's fine. got laptop situated on a pillow. i'm good. :-)
iwant2believeX: Good. :-)
iwant2believeX: Get the package?
truthzRevealed: yes :-)
truthzRevealed: eating kit kat right now.
iwant2believeX: Licking your fingers before you type each time?
truthzRevealed: lick and wipe yes.
truthzRevealed: so many kit kats, mulder.
truthzRevealed: you remembered.
iwant2believeX: Eidetic.
truthzRevealed: remembered rolling stones, too. thank you for headphones.
iwant2believeX: No problem. How bout the other CD's? How'd I do?
truthzRevealed: good :-) like the post-its too...
truthzRevealed: depeche mode -- fave
truthzRevealed: george michael -- fag
truthzRevealed: lolow
iwant2believeX: 8-)
truthzRevealed: love gm... did you know that?
iwant2believeX: No, but he's gay...
iwant2believeX: ;-)
truthzRevealed: that he is
truthzRevealed: and the streisand movie. nice note for that, too. 'fags like this shit, don't they?'
iwant2believeX: LOL! Well, didja?
truthzRevealed: prince of tides?? do you know what you sent me??
iwant2believeX: Never saw it.
iwant2believeX: People say it's too depressing.
truthzRevealed: speaking of depressing...
truthzRevealed: grapes of WRATH?
truthzRevealed: and i quote, 'here's something that won't hurt your stitches. 'cause it's not funny.'
iwant2believeX: :-D
iwant2believeX: It's not. Not funny at all.
truthzRevealed: not one single funny line, no.
iwant2believeX: See how I take care of you?
truthzRevealed: but then i lift that up to find 'daddies and dungeons vol. 4'...
truthzRevealed: that laugh hurt. but it was worth it. ;-)
iwant2believeX: Sorry. ;-)
truthzRevealed: 'don't let that nurse-bitch take this' ow
iwant2believeX: Did she?
truthzRevealed: i hid it from her
iwant2believeX: Oh yeah? Where?
truthzRevealed: just under mattress.
iwant2believeX: Didja watch it?
truthzRevealed: they come by at 10, 1, and 4...
truthzRevealed: watched it between 1 and 4 ;-)
iwant2believeX: LOL
iwant2believeX: Good boy.
truthzRevealed: ::eyebrows::
truthzRevealed: mostly wholly uninteresting, mulder...
truthzRevealed: except for that fifth scene...
iwant2believeX: LOL...really. I wouldn't know. I didn't watch it. ;-)
iwant2believeX: Guess I'll have to get my own copy now.
truthzRevealed: can share. send back when i'm done.
iwant2believeX: Deal.
truthzRevealed: well, fifth scene is younger, not so built daddy...
iwant2believeX: Do tell.
truthzRevealed: tired. less type. but...
iwant2believeX: Less type? Sorry, I have to ask what that means.
truthzRevealed: not type as many words. going to be succinct.
iwant2believeX: Then maybe we shouldn't waste time talking about Daddies and Dungeons.
truthzRevealed: no. listen.
iwant2believeX: Okay, I'm listening.
truthzRevealed: swing. rimming. dildos. fucking. kissing.
truthzRevealed: that was fifth scene
iwant2believeX: Ah.
iwant2believeX: Okay then.
iwant2believeX: I'll make a note.
truthzRevealed: another note?
iwant2believeX: So I like notes.
truthzRevealed: didn't have to send sunflower seeds.
iwant2believeX: Didn't have to send any of it. Wanted to. And everybody likes sunflower seeds.
truthzRevealed: was very thoughtful
truthzRevealed: so was star wars tril.
iwant2believeX: Do you like it? I can watch that over and over and over and over...
truthzRevealed: watched them all today. love them. :-)
truthzRevealed: saving godzilla vs mothra for tonight late. ;-)
iwant2believeX: Woohoo! Par-tay!
iwant2believeX: So...any idea how that surgery went yet?
truthzRevealed: yes. they're saying very good. can't see it yet. but they said no 4th. this was last one. :-)
iwant2believeX: GREAT. :-)
truthzRevealed: can have prosthetic fitted in 2 wks
iwant2believeX: Wow, that soon?
iwant2believeX: Won't it still...hurt a lot?
truthzRevealed: probably. they're real getbackonthehorse people. said it's standard. i say put your hand on a hot stove burner for about one minute then shove that hand into a tight glove. hows that for standard?
iwant2believeX: Yeah.
truthzRevealed: i'd say fuckem, but i want to be...self-sufficient worse than they want me to be.
iwant2believeX: I would imagine.
iwant2believeX: Well, no sense worrying about two weeks from now. Focus on the moment.
truthzRevealed: i don't want to be scared. or even tell you i am. or say it under my breath to myself. but i am. scared, mulder.
iwant2believeX: Thank you for telling me. What are you scared of, exactly?
truthzRevealed: first...
truthzRevealed: are you real?
iwant2believeX: Yeah. I am.
iwant2believeX: Need some proof or something?
truthzRevealed: i had bad fevers for a long time. saw things. saw you few times. scared this may all be bullshit. wake up bleeding to death on forest floor. or worse...still sawing...
iwant2believeX: God...
iwant2believeX: Well, what would help convince you?
iwant2believeX: Do you still have that stupid-ass haircut?
truthzRevealed: grown out more :-)
truthzRevealed: thank you...helps.
iwant2believeX: Anytime. So...that whole..."Don't touch me again." Bullshit, huh? ;-)
truthzRevealed: mega buttload of bullshit, mulder.
iwant2believeX: I thought I saw your nipples getting hard under that sweaty, filthy t-shirt of yours....
iwant2believeX: Just adrenaline, though, huh?
truthzRevealed: doing a good job of...helping.
iwant2believeX: ;-)
truthzRevealed: how was trip 4u?
iwant2believeX: Oh. Well. Umm...I'm not real purty right now.
truthzRevealed: what do you mean?
iwant2believeX: They kicked a tooth out. Damned HMO can't see me until next Monday!
truthzRevealed: who???
iwant2believeX: Perp.
iwant2believeX: Guess I got used to not having to worry about 'em fighting back. OW.
truthzRevealed: hurt bad elsewhere??
iwant2believeX: Concussion, bruises on face, scrape up the side of the nose, bruised ribs but no cracks, luckily.
truthzRevealed: jesus!
truthzRevealed: still came on here to be w/me.
truthzRevealed: after everything.
truthzRevealed: could have just run, mulder. run the other way.
iwant2believeX: From the perp? I tried, man!
truthzRevealed: LOLOW!
truthzRevealed: no...
truthzRevealed: from me and you know it asshole
iwant2believeX: I like you.
iwant2believeX: I...missed you.
truthzRevealed: while on case?
iwant2believeX: Yeah.
truthzRevealed: so let perp kick teeth in??
iwant2believeX: Let??? Hey, I was kickin' some ass, too, ya know...
truthzRevealed: but you're okay? concussion nothing to sneeze at, mulder.
iwant2believeX: No sneezing. Just a little vomiting.
iwant2believeX: I'm fine now.
truthzRevealed: ugh
truthzRevealed: sure you're still handsome
iwant2believeX: HA!
iwant2believeX: I look like someone drug me behind a car.
truthzRevealed: get him?
iwant2believeX: I look dippy enough when I smile...I NEED all my teeth!
truthzRevealed: dippy?
iwant2believeX: Yeah. Like a dip.
truthzRevealed: or a dork
iwant2believeX: Heh. Yeah.
truthzRevealed: :-)
truthzRevealed: mulder, did you get him.
iwant2believeX: No.
iwant2believeX: Scully scared him away for me. :-[
truthzRevealed: i'm sorry
truthzRevealed: was it him or 'it'?
iwant2believeX: That kind of remains to be seen.
truthzRevealed: k
iwant2believeX: *I* say it was a zombie.
truthzRevealed: yuck
truthzRevealed: bad news, zombies
iwant2believeX: Yeah. They don't try to eat your brains, though.
iwant2believeX: Just so you know.
truthzRevealed: just kick in teeth
truthzRevealed: teeth kickin' zombies
iwant2believeX: You're typing too much. :-)
truthzRevealed: fun now
iwant2believeX: :-D
iwant2believeX: Wait...I need to knock one of those out.
truthzRevealed: ow
truthzRevealed: :-)
truthzRevealed: don't feel bad. just sore, stayed up all night watching gay porn.
iwant2believeX: LOL!
truthzRevealed: made it sound like just watching made me sore... ;-)iwant2believeX: So? Didja?
truthzRevealed: no
truthzRevealed: haven't
iwant2believeX: I didn't even really expect you to watch the video, honestly.
iwant2believeX: I'm impressed.
truthzRevealed: watched everything dammit. ow
iwant2believeX: LOL! Everything???
iwant2believeX: Oh man.
truthzRevealed: cept godzilla for tonite
iwant2believeX: That's hardcore. I'll send you some more vids. I had no idea you were so desperate.
iwant2believeX: No good cable there???
truthzRevealed: local only. shoulda picked hosp. based on tv rather than surgeon.
iwant2believeX: Totally. I always do.
truthzRevealed: owowow
truthzRevealed: this time?
iwant2believeX: I was unconscious. It was chosen for me.
truthzRevealed: em. room? no tv.
iwant2believeX: Totally. Sucked ass.
iwant2believeX: Trauma ward afterward...
iwant2believeX: Too dizzy and sick to watch, tho.
truthzRevealed: so you're gonna send more tapes? really?
iwant2believeX: Sure!
iwant2believeX: I'll even let you make a list this time.
iwant2believeX: So...two weeks til you get fitted for the prosthesis...how long til you get out?
truthzRevealed: three more days here
iwant2believeX: Then what?
truthzRevealed: released.
iwant2believeX: Where are you going to go?
truthzRevealed: don't know
truthzRevealed: can come back here for prosthesis or not.
iwant2believeX: Scully's looking into that for me. Where the best ones are. And some friends of mine are looking into the latest bleeding edge technology.
iwant2believeX: Sorry. BAD fucking choice of words.
truthzRevealed: don't worry bout it
truthzRevealed: you're really...? do they know who 4?
iwant2believeX: No.
truthzRevealed: thank you. i don't know what to say.
iwant2believeX: Thank you works.
truthzRevealed: will need to see someone and be fitted...
truthzRevealed: are they looking primarily in dc?
iwant2believeX: Yeah, right now.
iwant2believeX: If they don't find what they're looking for here...
truthzRevealed: have one arm. will travel.
iwant2believeX: :-)
truthzRevealed: see? no teeth there at all.
iwant2believeX: LOL!!!
iwant2believeX: If you hurry, you might get to see me this way.
truthzRevealed: take a picture. can't leave yet.
iwant2believeX: LOL...well, let's see. Three days. You could be here by Sunday...my appointment isn't until Monday afternoon...
truthzRevealed: do you want me to see it. to feel better about...myself.
iwant2believeX: Don'tcha wanna see it?
truthzRevealed: don't care either way.
iwant2believeX: You'll regret it if you miss it.
iwant2believeX: Although yeah, there are case file pictures...
truthzRevealed: when i first imed you, i didn't expect to smile. just wanted...talk to you. smiling now.
iwant2believeX: Me too. :-)
truthzRevealed: lol
truthzRevealed: sorry
iwant2believeX: I could send you a scan...
iwant2believeX: kind of like reverse cybersex.
truthzRevealed: OW
iwant2believeX: sending you stuff to insure you do NOT get turned on.
truthzRevealed: so...
truthzRevealed: what are we doing...here.
iwant2believeX: talking about reverse cybersex?
truthzRevealed: i don't know what's going on. i can't quite believe there's *anything* going on...between us.iwant2believeX: So...was there a question in there?
truthzRevealed: do you want to have sex with me, mulder?
iwant2believeX: I think so.
truthzRevealed: you...do?
iwant2believeX: Well...yeah!
iwant2believeX: I mean, I can see it, sure.
iwant2believeX: Why not?
truthzRevealed: i guess because of all the horrible things i've done?
iwant2believeX: Okay, let's get one thing straight.
iwant2believeX: Not you, of course, cuz you're a fag.
iwant2believeX: but anyway.
iwant2believeX: THE PAST IS THE PAST.
iwant2believeX: I'm fucking SICK of living in it.
iwant2believeX: How bout you?
truthzRevealed: fuck... YES so so sick, mulder.
iwant2believeX: All right then. Let's just live our NOW.
truthzRevealed: you can do that?
iwant2believeX: If I can't, I'm cutting off any chance of happiness.
truthzRevealed: i'm not the only one starting over then.
iwant2believeX: Hell no!
iwant2believeX: I'm going gay, for chrissakes!
iwant2believeX: Gonna be livin' with another guy...I'll be takin' a lotta shit for that, I'm sure...
truthzRevealed: gonna be what?
iwant2believeX: Livin' with another guy. Well, not just any guy. Technically a wanted criminal. Although we got nuthin' on ya. You turned State's evidence on the militia case...
iwant2believeX: No evidence of any wrongdoing, other than my allegations...
truthzRevealed: you want me to...
iwant2believeX: Scully's gonna SHIT a purple Twinkie.
truthzRevealed: ohfuckow
iwant2believeX: Guess I should get a bed.
iwant2believeX: And a bedroom.
truthzRevealed: a bed
iwant2believeX: And a bedroom, yeah.
truthzRevealed: bedroom?
iwant2believeX: I don't have one. I sleep on the couch.
truthzRevealed: you don't want *me*...to live with *you*!
iwant2believeX: I don't? Where did you get that idea?
iwant2believeX: Anyway, the bedroom's full of files and shit...
iwant2believeX: I can move most of it to storage.
iwant2believeX: Throw the rest away.
iwant2believeX: Three days though...man...
truthzRevealed: you do.
truthzRevealed: you do want that.
truthzRevealed: you want...me.
truthzRevealed: you're crazy.
iwant2believeX: Oh man, not you too!
truthzRevealed: sorry. stunned.
iwant2believeX: I know. I was kidding. I'm not crazy.
iwant2believeX: Well, crazy like a FOX!
iwant2believeX: Ha.
truthzRevealed: ow. mulder.
iwant2believeX: Does it hurt a lot?
truthzRevealed: nurse gave me 'drugs' right before you came on. kicking in some. not that bad when i laugh now.
iwant2believeX: That's good.
iwant2believeX: I'm a funny guy.
truthzRevealed: i'm noticing. :-)
iwant2believeX: What, smacking you around didn't let you in on that?
iwant2believeX: Sorry.
iwant2believeX: I'm not always funny. Sometimes I'm just crude or stupid or insensitive.
iwant2believeX: Use discernment.
truthzRevealed: so you want me to live there.
iwant2believeX: I think that's best, yes.
truthzRevealed: to get better?
iwant2believeX: To start again.
iwant2believeX: Unless that's too much.
iwant2believeX: You don't have to.
iwant2believeX: But...I mean...where do you want to live? Not Texas, right?
truthzRevealed: not texas. right. :-)
iwant2believeX: You could just live in this area...I mean, we can't have a relationship with you in Texas, Alex. Work with me here.
truthzRevealed: no.
truthzRevealed: want that.
truthzRevealed: seems like it's crazy but i don't care.
iwant2believeX: I want to know you.
iwant2believeX: I want to know truthz.
iwant2believeX: I want to have a chance.
truthzRevealed: I want that chance, too.
iwant2believeX: Hey, a capital. Must be serious, then.
truthzRevealed: Willing to work. Able, Mulder.
iwant2believeX: Don't stress yourself out over it. It's not like capitals make me hard.
truthzRevealed: okay
iwant2believeX: Oooo baby. Love those lowercases.
truthzRevealed: just saying that, dork.
iwant2believeX: Yeah, but I'll bet it turned you on just a little. A little tiny bit.
truthzRevealed: the baby did. yeah.
truthzRevealed: and the ooo
truthzRevealed: and the...love
iwant2believeX: Oh yeah?
truthzRevealed: you don't have to. just...that it wasn't hate. or rage. or anger. you said love to me.
iwant2believeX: Yeah. I'll make more of an effort to say love to you, Alex.
truthzRevealed: i'll say love to you too. if you like it.
iwant2believeX: I like it.
iwant2believeX: I got a little hard when you asked me if I wanted to have sex with you. Just so you know. In case you're curious.
truthzRevealed: i don't mind knowing...
truthzRevealed: :-P
iwant2believeX: Especially when I imagined your voice saying it.
iwant2believeX: Still a little hard.
truthzRevealed: yeah?
iwant2believeX: Yeah.
truthzRevealed: you like my voice, mulder?
iwant2believeX: Maybe. A little.
iwant2believeX: Okay yes, a lot.
truthzRevealed: :-)
truthzRevealed: got hard when you called me an invertebrate scum-sucker. then harder when you said dip-stick...then bone.
iwant2believeX: LOL
iwant2believeX: Well, at least I'm not FREUDIAN or anything.
truthzRevealed: you're not? you're the one who said all that in one sentence.
iwant2believeX: You forgot about two drops.
truthzRevealed: :-)
iwant2believeX: You're the one who was purring.
iwant2believeX: Gasping, panting, practically fucking moaning...
iwant2believeX: Inches from my damned...
iwant2believeX: Anyway.
truthzRevealed: hhhhhhhhhhh
iwant2believeX: What? You were the one doing all of it!
truthzRevealed: yeah, but i didn't think it mattered. that you...felt it.
iwant2believeX: I shoved ya, didn't I?
truthzRevealed: yes. yes, you did. :-)
truthzRevealed: you touched me.
iwant2believeX: Yeah. I did.
truthzRevealed: i liked it
iwant2believeX: Me too.
truthzRevealed: and you want me there. with you. to start over. to fuck.
truthzRevealed: jesus
iwant2believeX: No, not Jesus. Me.
truthzRevealed: stunned again
iwant2believeX: Well, not necessarily fuck ME! I mean...sex, yes, but...I'm not saying...
truthzRevealed: i know that
iwant2believeX: I'm not ruling it out.
truthzRevealed: wow
truthzRevealed: you're...not?
iwant2believeX: Well...no...
truthzRevealed: i guess you don't rule much out in life, do you mulder?
iwant2believeX: Well, not until I've tried it, anyway.
iwant2believeX: Do you want to fuck me?
truthzRevealed: yes
iwant2believeX: How hard are you now?
truthzRevealed: straining
iwant2believeX: Pushing up that hospital blanket?
truthzRevealed: yes
iwant2believeX: Took ya a minute to type that. Did you touch yourself?
truthzRevealed: first one...since.
truthzRevealed: i just held it for a second. just to feel it again.
iwant2believeX: Oh yeah?
truthzRevealed: yes. just to reassure myself it was happening.
iwant2believeX: What do you mean?
truthzRevealed: i haven't gotten an erection since you had me backed up against the wall in the gulag, mulder.
iwant2believeX: Guess there probably hasn't been a lot to be excited about.
iwant2believeX: Wait...not even the D and D?
truthzRevealed: no
truthzRevealed: just got ideas. not aroused. think i was too scared i wouldn't. so i didn't.
iwant2believeX: But...me asking if you want to fuck me...
truthzRevealed: does that bother you?
iwant2believeX: Uh NO, ALEX.
iwant2believeX: Duh.
truthzRevealed: but you're not gay. and i got hard thinking about putting it in you...
iwant2believeX: Oh yeah? Putting it in me?
iwant2believeX: You wanna put your cock in me, Krycek?
truthzRevealed: what are you doing?
iwant2believeX: Teeeeasing you.
truthzRevealed: thank you. for showing me how well it still works. ;-)
iwant2believeX: You know how well it works just from hearing me say...
iwant2believeX: You wanna FUCK ME, Krycek?
truthzRevealed: you better stop or the nurse is going to get a shock when they change the sheets in here.
truthzRevealed: and yes
iwant2believeX: Say it.
truthzRevealed: I want to FUCK you, Mulder.
iwant2believeX: Oh
iwant2believeX: Uhh
iwant2believeX: Ummmmm
truthzRevealed: You know, fags like that shit.
truthzRevealed: ;-)
iwant2believeX: Heh. Hm.
iwant2believeX: I...never pictured that. Until now.
truthzRevealed: and now you're freaking out?
iwant2believeX: Not...exactly.
truthzRevealed: i'm really hardly at a place where i can...yet.
iwant2believeX: Yeah, being in Texas and all...
truthzRevealed: won't reach.
iwant2believeX: Thank GOD
iwant2believeX: So...how big...is it?
truthzRevealed: 7
iwant2believeX: Thick?
truthzRevealed: above average. not oh my god!
iwant2believeX: LOL!
truthzRevealed: what about you.
iwant2believeX: No thicker than average...
iwant2believeX: 81/2
truthzRevealed: oh. okay.
iwant2believeX: Is that...a problem?
truthzRevealed: no i think that'll be fine.
iwant2believeX: I mean, it has been a problem before...
truthzRevealed: it won't.
iwant2believeX: So...you've been fucked before.
truthzRevealed: yes. been a little while. but i liked it.
iwant2believeX: Have you been fucked a lot?
truthzRevealed: no
truthzRevealed: have you ever...been with a man in any way?
iwant2believeX: I've been partnered with them at work. And I had roommates in college.
truthzRevealed: shut up. prick. :-)
iwant2believeX: LMAO! Ohhhhhh I just kill myself.
truthzRevealed: sex, dork.
iwant2believeX: :-P
iwant2believeX: So now I'm a sex dork?
truthzRevealed: lol
truthzRevealed: kinda hot
iwant2believeX: All right, all right. My diversion tactics can only last so long.
iwant2believeX: Hey Krycek. Wanna fuck me? ;-)
iwant2believeX: Okay, okay.
iwant2believeX: I made out with a guy once.
iwant2believeX: And we...jacked each other off outside the clothes.
iwant2believeX: At a party.
iwant2believeX: In the backyard.
iwant2believeX: Ummm...that's it.
truthzRevealed: that's nice.
iwant2believeX: Yeah.
iwant2believeX: It was.
truthzRevealed: and even though you haven't wanted to do it since, at least not strongly enough to act on it, you want it...with me.
iwant2believeX: Oh I've wanted it, but yeah, not enough to pursue it.
iwant2believeX: I haven't really had that many sexual relationships, actually.
iwant2believeX: I really am a dork.
truthzRevealed: no. you're not.
truthzRevealed: you're so sexy i can't believe i get to touch you.
truthzRevealed: mulder? i scare you?
iwant2believeX: No...just....visualizing.
truthzRevealed: good
truthzRevealed: :-)
truthzRevealed: good that you're not scared.
truthzRevealed: nurse bugging me.
iwant2believeX: Don't hit her.
iwant2believeX: Unless she goes for the laptop.
iwant2believeX: Then let her have it.
truthzRevealed: laptop on lap very functional right now.
iwant2believeX: Covering that bulge in the blanket?
truthzRevealed: yes
truthzRevealed: she said i have ten minutes. she wants me to lie down.
truthzRevealed: bitch
iwant2believeX: Oh.
iwant2believeX: You need to rest, though.
iwant2believeX: Recover.
iwant2believeX: So you can fuck me.
truthzRevealed: she didn't have nearly as good a reason
iwant2believeX: LOL!
iwant2believeX: I'm tired, too. I'm on some meds myself, and my eyes are starting to cross.
truthzRevealed: no tooth, cross eyed mulder
iwant2believeX: LMAO!
truthzRevealed: sexy
iwant2believeX: ROTFL!
truthzRevealed: ow
truthzRevealed: i'm gonna have to put off godzilla. sorry.
iwant2believeX: Tomorrow. :-)
truthzRevealed: damn nurse is right. i'm sleepy.
truthzRevealed: will you be here?
iwant2believeX: I get home around 7pm EST.
truthzRevealed: and you'll...come online?
iwant2believeX: I'll sign on as soon as I get in. And if you're good at cybering, I might come, yeah.
truthzRevealed: ohgod
truthzRevealed: tomorrow...
iwant2believeX: You can touch it tonight.
truthzRevealed: will save it.
iwant2believeX: Mmmmm.
truthzRevealed: sweet dreams, mulder.
iwant2believeX: Yeah, thanks. You too, Alex.
truthzRevealed: :-)
truthzRevealed: nurse eyeing me from the door. i'm sneering at her....
iwant2believeX: I've seen that. You're scaring her.
truthzRevealed: no i'm not. she's coming in.
iwant2believeX: Damn. Tough nurse.
truthzRevealed: yeah
iwant2believeX: Good night, Alex. See you tomorow after work.
truthzRevealed: Good night, Mulder. :-)
truthzRevealed: ***This user is no longer online.***
Next day...
iwant2believeX: Hey, get your hand out from under that blanket.
truthzRevealed: what are you doing here??
iwant2believeX: Scully made me come home.
truthzRevealed: what. couldn't handle the tooth?
iwant2believeX: LOL...yeah, guess I'm too ugly to work today.
truthzRevealed: bullshit. why send home??
iwant2believeX: I kind of...fell.
truthzRevealed: mulder...
iwant2believeX: I stood up too fast.
truthzRevealed: shouldn't have gone in, big dork!
truthzRevealed: you all right??
iwant2believeX: I'm fine. Well, not fine enough to be at work, you're right.
iwant2believeX: I forgot I had someone to stay home with.
truthzRevealed: :-)
truthzRevealed: glad you're here now. big surprise.
truthzRevealed: wasn't expecting you for hours!
iwant2believeX: Yeah, I guess I didn't even question the assumption that I'd be happier at work. I never had any reason to want to stay home any longer than absolutely necessary, before.
iwant2believeX: So...how's your day so far? It's what...noon there?
truthzRevealed: yes. pretty good. boring. til now.
iwant2believeX: What about Godzilla?
truthzRevealed: made me sad
iwant2believeX: Why?
truthzRevealed: it's a thing i have.
iwant2believeX: A thing?
truthzRevealed: a quirk i guess.
iwant2believeX: Alex...
iwant2believeX: You're evading.
iwant2believeX: Tell me about your thing.
truthzRevealed: it's stupid
iwant2believeX: And...
truthzRevealed: i'm a grown man who's done...bad things...but
truthzRevealed: i just can't stand to watch two animals, even movie monsters, fight each other. especially to the death.
iwant2believeX: Really?
truthzRevealed: silly i know
iwant2believeX: I've got this theory.
truthzRevealed: of course you do
iwant2believeX: :-D
iwant2believeX: Need to find a way to black one of those teeth out...
iwant2believeX: But anyway.
truthzRevealed: lol
iwant2believeX: That it's the sensitive ones that are at the highest risk of being...turned. Because they feel the pain of the world the most acutely, and it damages them. On the inside.
iwant2believeX: So they close their hearts, which are more tender than average, and go stone cold just to survive. From one extreme to the other.
truthzRevealed: but if i'm stone cold...why do i bawl during godzilla?
iwant2believeX: Well, I wasn't done.
iwant2believeX: If you can make it safe for these...damaged ones...their hearts will open...and when they do, at first, it will be like releasing a tsunami. That's one of the reasons they don't let themselves feel. Or cry. They're certain they'll never be able to stop.
truthzRevealed: i don't want to cry. i don't like it.
iwant2believeX: You need to, though.
iwant2believeX: And you always do, around me.
iwant2believeX: You tear up, anyway.
truthzRevealed: i guess maybe that's because we feel like godzilla and mothra...
truthzRevealed: pitted against one another by these higher powers. we don't hate each other, but we're supposed to fight to the death.
iwant2believeX: Yeah.
iwant2believeX: Well...
iwant2believeX: Fuck 'em.
truthzRevealed: thank you
iwant2believeX: I didn't mean to send you a movie that would make you cry.
truthzRevealed: i know that, please don't feel bad, mulder!
iwant2believeX: I don't. I think you probably need to cry, like I said. I just...hey, I was trying to make you hurt. (laugh) ;-)
iwant2believeX: So what were you going to do for the rest of your day, before I showed up in all my toothless, dragged-behind-a-car-face glory?
truthzRevealed: wait
iwant2believeX: Okay.
iwant2believeX: Oh, that's what you were going to do.
truthzRevealed: yes. lol
iwant2believeX: I was just gonna sit here...waitin'...
iwant2believeX: Figured some nurse bitch was harassing you...
truthzRevealed: not yet. soon. ;-)
truthzRevealed: gotta piss tho. can you wait here?
iwant2believeX: Yeah.
truthzRevealed: back
truthzRevealed: so are you taking care of yourself now?
iwant2believeX: Yes. I'm on my couch, laptop on my lap, drugs swimming happily in my bloodstream.
iwant2believeX: Sorry.
iwant2believeX: You mentioned something about a problem with addiction, in addition to not wanting to be fuzzy...when you were...truthz. I don't want to say something to make you...crave.
truthzRevealed: i appreciate that. i'm fine.
truthzRevealed: i have kit kat.
iwant2believeX: :-)
truthzRevealed: :-)
iwant2believeX: Lick, wipe, type.
iwant2believeX: That's gonna be one dirty keyboard.
truthzRevealed: :-P
truthzRevealed: getting better at hunt and peck tho
iwant2believeX: I did it for awhile in college. Broke my arm. I got pretty fast.
truthzRevealed: imagine where i'll be in a year. 60 words a minute.
iwant2believeX: Definitely. You can go back to doing all my expense reports. Like the ol' days.
truthzRevealed: lol
iwant2believeX: :-)
truthzRevealed: guess i should start trying to add caps back in at some point
truthzRevealed: it's just...exhausting for some reason
iwant2believeX: It's unnecessary. You have limited energy resources. Why waste them on capitalization?
iwant2believeX: When you could be lick, wipe, typing.
truthzRevealed: energy spent better on kit kat. :-)
iwant2believeX: And then of course there's cybering...you sure as HELL don't wanna waste time figuring out how to capitalize instead of stroking your dick while I talk dirty to you over IM.
truthzRevealed: fuckthespacestoothen
iwant2believeX: LOL!
iwant2believeX: It's funny. It shouldn't be this easy. To flirt with you like this. But it just is. Like touching you. It was always just...natural. Had to do it.
iwant2believeX: Or even working with you. Like sliding into an old habit. Like getting back on a bike I didn't realize I already knew how to ride.
truthzRevealed: always felt too good. hard to keep closed off. opened right up for you.
iwant2believeX: Okay. I could go serious and somewhat painful with that, or...
truthzRevealed: do the other thing
iwant2believeX: Yeah, the one that takes away your ability to bother with the space bar.
truthzRevealed: do you want to?
iwant2believeX: Make you touch yourself at high noon in the middle of a hospital full of nosy nurses?
iwant2believeX: Fuck yeah!
truthzRevealed: you make it sound even more illicit than it had felt! i'd forgotten about the damned nurses! lol
iwant2believeX: LOL...so does that make it even hotter? ;-)
iwant2believeX: Does that do it for ya? The possibility of getting caught?
truthzRevealed: maybe a little. would do it for me even more if you were actually here...
iwant2believeX: Concerned ex-and-again-partner standing by your bedside, sliding a hand under your sheet surreptitiously, deadpan expression, stroking my fingers up and down your cock ever so lightly while the nurses poke their heads in to see if you want more apple juice...
truthzRevealed: apple juice? lol
iwant2believeX: They're always offering it to me...?
truthzRevealed: i don't want to do the surreptitious thing. is that okay? what would you want to do if i was there with you instead?
iwant2believeX: Oh. Okay then. Give me a minute...
truthzRevealed: and no apple juice.
iwant2believeX: I prefer orange.
truthzRevealed: no juice
iwant2believeX: Do you have something against juice, Krycek??
truthzRevealed: yes, when i want you to talk dirty to me, mulder.
iwant2believeX: All right, all right, I didn't know including the mention of juice would make you go limp!
truthzRevealed: i didn't say i was limp.
iwant2believeX: Pushy little bastard, aren't you.
iwant2believeX: I think they call that topping from the bottom??
truthzRevealed: O:-)
iwant2believeX: Heh. Yeah. Whatever.
iwant2believeX: Okay. We're sitting on my couch, and I'm on your left side. Your new prosthetic is resting between my legs and I'm moving against it slightly, just rocking my hips while we watch Star Wars. Every now and then I sigh or let out a soft grunt.
iwant2believeX: I'm rock hard and have been for the hour you've been keeping me on the edge. I'm wearing my light yellow pajama pants and I'm making a big, sticky wet spot.
truthzRevealed: with...the fake one?
iwant2believeX: Yes. Shut up.
iwant2believeX: So anyway. My dick is so achingly hard and slick-wet, and it's peeking out through the top of my pajama pants at the top of each of my small hip-thrusts.
truthzRevealed: uh huh
iwant2believeX: I close my eyes and tilt my head back and whine, "Can I touch it now???"
iwant2believeX: And you finally take pity on me and let me put my hand down your pants, which have been open, your hard, fat dick hanging out throughout the movie.
truthzRevealed: ohshitmulder
iwant2believeX: I beg you to put the prosthetic hand inside my pajama pants so I can get just that little bit more contact that will make me come, but you shake your head, your eyes fluttering closed as I wrap my hand around you and start to stroke you, slow and firm, up and down, in tandem with my humping of your prosthesis.
iwant2believeX: I hump it harder, moaning and squeezing you now, my hand on you moving faster and faster, and you release a gasp you were trying to hold back, and it drives me over the edge, and I spurt out the top of my pajama pants, all over your prosthesis.
truthzRevealed: fuckkkk
iwant2believeX: I'm sliding in my own cum now, still writhing against your prosthesis, squirting out the last few drops, moaning, when I feel your hand grip my hair and yank my head down into your lap.
iwant2believeX: My mouth is still open on a moan and the fat head of your cock pushes right into it, and I'm so gone I just whine and slurp it down, taking it as deeply as I can, grunting and gagging and fighting a little against the firm grip you have on my hair, holding me in place, growling.
iwant2believeX: I've just discovered a good rhythm, taking you just far enough that I'm not gagging on you, when your hips jerk upward, driving your cockhead against the back of my throat, and for a second, I can't breathe. I feel myself go instantly hard again. Painfully hard.
iwant2believeX: You're moaning steadily now, and I'm whining and trying to breathe as you fuck your cock up into my throat. You're trying to hold back, but you're also holding my head in place, and tears of arousal are wetting my face as I hold my mouth open for you, just keeping my teeth out of the way as you use it.
truthzRevealed: ohshhhhhhhhhhhhh
iwant2believeX: Yeah, you say that, and my name, in a gutteral, breathless snarl as you start to come, and the grip on my hair becomes painfully tight as I feel jets of hot cum spurt into the back of my throat and I struggle to swallow and breathe all at the same time, unable to move even an inch while you shoot in my mouth.
iwant2believeX: Finally, I feel the hold on my hair release, and your hips fall back down to the couch, your still-fat, cum-and-spit-slicked cock sliding out from between my lips, leaving a thick trail of slick over my lips and down my chin.
iwant2believeX: I rest my head on your thigh, gasping for breath and listening to you do the same, and my tired lips pull into a proud smile when I hear you exclaim, in a voice of absolute awe and stunned amazement, "Ffffffuck, Mulder!"
truthzRevealed: ffffuckmuldr
iwant2believeX: :-D
iwant2believeX: (minus one tooth)
truthzRevealed: want you come
iwant2believeX: Did you?
truthzRevealed: yes. long one. tried to be quiet. couldn't quite.
iwant2believeX: Awwwfffffuck I wanna hear that.
truthzRevealed: i said come, dammit.
iwant2believeX: ohfffffffuckkkkkkk
truthzRevealed: good boy
iwant2believeX: Fuck.
iwant2believeX: That was...
iwant2believeX: Uhhhhh....
truthzRevealed: i can't believe you want it like that...
iwant2believeX: Ummmm
iwant2believeX: Me neither.
truthzRevealed: because...mulder, i think i might want that too. might need it.
iwant2believeX: Come and get it.
truthzRevealed: ama. i mean it. i will.
iwant2believeX: Don't do that!
truthzRevealed: why the ever-loving fuck not?
iwant2believeX: I'm totally not fuckable for another couple of days, anyway, Krycek.
iwant2believeX: God, can't even stand up without falling over.
iwant2believeX: Plus...it hurts just to smile, let alone give head.
truthzRevealed: jesus, mulder.
truthzRevealed: i'm sorry.
iwant2believeX: Yeah, I'll BET you are. ;-)
truthzRevealed: not sorry we did THIS...
truthzRevealed: sorry all i could think about was what i wanted. you blinded me for a moment.
iwant2believeX: That was the whole point.
iwant2believeX: I didn't want you thinking about my toothless, scraped up, split-lipped face.
truthzRevealed: i wasn't.
truthzRevealed: and i wasn't thinking that you could never really want me like this.
truthzRevealed: i was just thinking... i WANT that!
iwant2believeX: :-P
truthzRevealed: Thank You.
iwant2believeX: No problem. I didn't have any plans...
truthzRevealed: :-)
iwant2believeX: I want to feel it. How much you want me. How much you need me.
iwant2believeX: Because I've always felt like it was all me. Me NEEDING to touch you.
iwant2believeX: You never putting a hand on me.
truthzRevealed: didn't have the right. as ridiculously horrible as that sounds.
iwant2believeX: No, I get it. You didn't...if I didn't want it.
truthzRevealed: yeah
iwant2believeX: But every time I touched you, I was trying to get a response. Goading you.
iwant2believeX: Like you goaded me.
truthzRevealed: that's a lot of foreplay. now we're finally going to do something about it.
iwant2believeX: Yeah.
iwant2believeX: So...you wanna touch me, then.
truthzRevealed: oh mulder. yes i want to touch you. it's painful not to. which may be why i never did it, too. what's painful to me should have been good for you.
iwant2believeX: That's not the way it works.
truthzRevealed: i know that now. and i WILL touch you. you'll think i have three hands. ;-)
iwant2believeX: Mmmmmmmmmmm
iwant2believeX: And...the mouth, right?
iwant2believeX: I've thought a lot about that mouth, Krycek.
iwant2believeX: I...do get to have that, right?
truthzRevealed: ohgodyes!!!!!
iwant2believeX: :-P
truthzRevealed: i probably want it as badly as you.
iwant2believeX: That's fuckin' scary, man.
truthzRevealed: lol
iwant2believeX: ;-)
iwant2believeX: So...had you thought about mine? My mouth?
truthzRevealed: no. never thought of that being even the most remote of possibilities.
truthzRevealed: i mean...i'd catch myself thinking about it.
truthzRevealed: but i could never quite see that one through. i'm still reeling over here...from that.
iwant2believeX: Have you lost respect for me, now?
truthzRevealed: NO!
iwant2believeX: I just...I mean I've never done anything like that, you know that, but...I just feel...HUNGRY for you.
truthzRevealed: i worship you, mulder. you can have whatever the fuck you want.
truthzRevealed: truth revealed.
truthzRevealed: mulder? you okay?
iwant2believeX: yes
truthzRevealed: you sure?
iwant2believeX: Yeah.
iwant2believeX: Just
iwant2believeX: Speechless
iwant2believeX: New for me
iwant2believeX: Speechlessness
truthzRevealed: lol yeah :-)
iwant2believeX: Did you
iwant2believeX: oops
iwant2believeX: Did you book your flight?
iwant2believeX: Do you need me to?
iwant2believeX: Want
iwant2believeX: Me to?
truthzRevealed: i've got it. thank you. :-)
iwant2believeX: Got it like you did it or
iwant2believeX: You're going to.
truthzRevealed: did it. last night after godzilla. couldn't sleep. that helped me sleep better.
iwant2believeX: :-D
iwant2believeX: (minus the one)
truthzRevealed: lol
truthzRevealed: yes, mulder.
truthzRevealed: i don't care, you know.
truthzRevealed: i only care in that i'm going to want you to take care of yourself.
truthzRevealed: when i get there...
iwant2believeX: I'm fine.
iwant2believeX: Just get here.
truthzRevealed: tomorrow 3:30 delta from houston.
iwant2believeX: Want me to pick you up?
truthzRevealed: not sure how i'll drive yet. will have to probably not until i get good with prosthetic in 2 wks
iwant2believeX: We won't be leaving the apartment for awhile, anyway. ;-)
iwant2believeX: I know ALL the good takeout places.
iwant2believeX: And I've put in for a month's leave.
truthzRevealed: you have?????
truthzRevealed: for me?
iwant2believeX: Well...yeah. Actually, more for me...
iwant2believeX: Like I'm going to want to work all day and leave you home our first month together. Alex...
iwant2believeX: Every couple needs...
iwant2believeX: A...
iwant2believeX: honeymoon.
truthzRevealed: mulder
iwant2believeX: I'm not taking no for an answer.
truthzRevealed: not no
truthzRevealed: so not no dork
iwant2believeX: :-)
truthzRevealed: crying
iwant2believeX: Good.
iwant2believeX: I want some of that worshippin'.
iwant2believeX: Never thought I'd have anything like that in a million years.
truthzRevealed: i want to finally give it to you.
iwant2believeX: Well, the rest of the world can damn well WAIT while I get it.
truthzRevealed: damn well
iwant2believeX: I sent another care package. You *might* get it before you leave.
truthzRevealed: :-)
truthzRevealed: can you tell me what's in it?
iwant2believeX: Well, I threw in one of the case file pictures, for starters. In case you didn't get here in time to see me.
truthzRevealed: lol
iwant2believeX: Hey, you need to know what you're getting into, here.
iwant2believeX: And Men in Black.
iwant2believeX: Just I not II.
iwant2believeX: What?
iwant2believeX: It's a great movie!
iwant2believeX: Close Encounters.
iwant2believeX: Beaches.
truthzRevealed: lmao
truthzRevealed: ow
iwant2believeX: :-*
truthzRevealed: thank you mulder
truthzRevealed: for all of it
iwant2believeX: Jack off cream.
iwant2believeX: The good kind.
truthzRevealed: really??
truthzRevealed: :-P
iwant2believeX: My favorite brand.
truthzRevealed: well. i owe you then.
iwant2believeX: Oh yeah you do.
truthzRevealed: :-)
iwant2believeX: Cheetos.
truthzRevealed: i owe you cheetos??
iwant2believeX: No, I sent Cheetos.
iwant2believeX: Because who doesn't like Cheetos??
truthzRevealed: i love them.
iwant2believeX: The puffy kind.
truthzRevealed: love those more.
truthzRevealed: bitch nurse says five more minutes
iwant2believeX: Cheese popcorn.
truthzRevealed: ooo white cheddar?
iwant2believeX: Naturally.
truthzRevealed: :-D
iwant2believeX: You are SOOO going to be licking your fingers.
iwant2believeX: Want help with that?
truthzRevealed: ama mulder
iwant2believeX: Okay, okay...
iwant2believeX: But I do have this...oral fixation...
truthzRevealed: i'm going to have to go watch scene 5 of d and d to cool down...
iwant2believeX: LOL...that's your cool-down, now, huh?
iwant2believeX: swing. rimming. dildoes. fucking. kissing.
truthzRevealed: compared to your cyber, yes.
iwant2believeX: I saw where I can get one of those swings...and a stand for it so we don't pull down my upstairs neighbor's floor on top of us while you fuck me.
truthzRevealed: ohgoddammitmulder
iwant2believeX: :-D
iwant2believeX: So, how do you see me? Face up, knees back to my chest? Or face down, ass in the air?
iwant2believeX: The swing should make anything possible...I've been researching it.
truthzRevealed: bothbothbothbothboth
iwant2believeX: We can even ride in it together, me in your lap, moving on you.
truthzRevealed: oh my god mulder
iwant2believeX: I hope I'm as good at doing this shit as I am at talking about it...
iwant2believeX: I'll order the swing tonight.
truthzRevealed: okay
iwant2believeX: Oh, and I've got a bed coming.
truthzRevealed: you do? :-)
iwant2believeX: Yeah, they're delivering it tomorrow.
iwant2believeX: So I'm hiring someone to come in and clean the bedroom.
iwant2believeX: Like...ten years of porn mags, videos, clippings, books, newspapers, files...THAT is how much I...
truthzRevealed: i love you
iwant2believeX: They're coming over tomorrow morning.
iwant2believeX: Four of them.
truthzRevealed: that's good
iwant2believeX: Yeah. It's a fuckin' mess.
truthzRevealed: i don't care
iwant2believeX: You'd be sleeping on top of me on the couch if I wasn't doing this.
truthzRevealed: :-P
iwant2believeX: Heh.
iwant2believeX: I think this is gonna work.
truthzRevealed: i want to believe.
truthzRevealed: i do.
iwant2believeX: We'll just fall back on the sex whenever we hit a rough spot.
truthzRevealed: good plan
truthzRevealed: really, really good plan :-)
truthzRevealed: rachett's here again.
iwant2believeX: LOL!
iwant2believeX: Don't hit her.
truthzRevealed: too tired.
truthzRevealed: too happy.
iwant2believeX: You need her to change that sticky sheet of yours.
truthzRevealed: caught it all in tp ;-) 8-)
iwant2believeX: Slick. ;-)
iwant2believeX: Later?
truthzRevealed: yeah. later. :-)
iwant2believeX: Bout...5 my time or so? I think I'm gonna crash out for a few.
truthzRevealed: sounds perfect
iwant2believeX: See you then.
iwant2believeX: Get some rest.
iwant2believeX: You're gonna need it.
truthzRevealed: heh
iwant2believeX: :-*
truthzRevealed: ***This user is no longer online***