Christmas Carol Redux 2

by Satina

Date:  January 13, 2004

Pairing:  M/K

Rating:  NC-17

Archive:  Please do.  Just tell me where so I can visit.

Feedback:  Yes, please!  The muse gets so hungry...please send it to me here!

Series/Sequel:  This is a sequel to Christmas Carol Redux

Spoilers:  Sleepless, Duane Barry, Ascension, Anasazi, Blessing Way, Paper Clip, Piper Maru, and Apocrypha

My website:  http://themkshrine.angelfire.com

Disclaimers:  Not mine.

Summary:  Christmas Day dawns with Alex and Mulder in a hotel room in Douth Dakota, dealing with the results of their interactions up to this point.

---

Mulder ordered and consumed a huge breakfast, keeping the tea packets and honey for Alex, and asking for bouillon cubes for later.  He alternated between watching Christmas specials on cable and watching Alex sleep.

The man hardly moved at all, only his raspy breathing letting Mulder know he was still alive.  Mulder blinked his gaze away from the rising and falling chest beneath the blanket and checked the clock.  Yeah, Scully should be up by now, buried in wrapping paper and relatives.  He picked up the phone and dialed.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Scully," Mulder smiled.  "Merry Christmas."

"Fox?  Is that you?" she said cheerfully.  "Merry Christmas!  It's so sweet of you to call!"

Mulder sighed, feeling warmed by the genuine happiness in her voice.  He had never thought, before, about how many people he really had in his life that cared about him.  He made a mental note to call the Gunmen, too.  "Sorry I couldn't make it over for Christmas dinner," he said.  "I had some things I had to take care of."

"You're not working over Christmas, are you?" asked Maggie with a note of disapproval in her voice.

Mulder looked over at Krycek, still snoring soundly.  He supposed that one could consider this work.  After all, he and Krycek only knew each other professionally.  "No, it's personal," he said into the phone, swallowing.

"Okay then," said Maggie, sounding satisfied.  "Shall I get Dana for you?"

"Please," said Mulder, smiling again.  He heard Scully's mother call her to the phone and waited.

"Hello, Mulder," said Scully cheerfully.

"Merry Christmas, Scully," he said, happy to hear her sound so happy.

"Merry Christmas, Mulder," she said with some surprise.

"So, did you get that pony you've always wanted?" he asked.

"No pony," she said, and he could hear the smile in her voice.  "But Mom did get me the most beautiful sky-blue sweater set.  Cashmere.  The exact color of my eyes."  Her voice sounded dreamy.

"I'm sure you look beautiful in it," he said softly, remembering how her eyes had flashed as she'd stood up to her brother.  "How's the family?"

"Oh fine," she said.  "Andrew's getting braces, so he's loading up on everything sticky and forbidden while he can, and Zoe's got her first real boyfriend."

Mulder could hear cries of, "Aunt Dana!  Don't tell him!" and then Scully's giggles as the phone was jostled.

Scully was giggling.

Mulder sighed, smiling more than he could remember smiling in a long, long time.  Scully came back to the phone, slightly breathless.  "Sorry, Mulder, I nearly lost phone priveleges over that one."

He laughed.  "Well, I don't want to keep you.  I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, Scully."

"Thank you, Mulder," she said, her voice softening.  "What do you have planned for today?"

Mulder could tell she was reluctant to ask.  "Oh, nothing special," he said, smirking over at the snoring lump in the bed next to his.  "Just gonna watch some TV, eat some takeout."

"You could still come over if you like," Scully said.  "We don't eat until two."

"No," said Mulder.  "I think maybe I'll look up an old..." he had to hesitate over the word, licking his lips.  "...buddy of mine.  You know, catch up."

"That sounds wonderful, Mulder," said Scully.

He could hear the relief in her voice at finding out he wasn't as pathetic as she'd thought.  Instead of that making him feel ashamed or resentful, it just made him smile again.  "Yeah.  Well, I guess I'll see you back at the office, then.  Have a great holiday, Scully."

"You too, Mulder.  Keep in touch," she added softly.

He knew she was worried about him going stir-crazy without her and the X-files to occupy his mind.  "I will," he said.  He hung up the phone and settled himself back against the headboard.

With his belly full of food and a feeling of peace from having spoken to Scully, he felt his body starting to ask for sleep.  He yawned hugely and got out of bed, stripping down to his boxer briefs and a T-shirt.  He climbed into bed and pulled the blanket up to his chin, lying on his back.  After a few minutes of blinking at the ceiling, he exhaled heavily and turned onto his side, studying the form under the blankets in the next bed.  He fell asleep that way, lulled by the sounds of the other man's breaths.

He woke several hours later, hearing the sounds of people laughing and fumbling with packages in the hallway.  He blinked and sat up, rubbing his eyes as he checked on his...companion.

Alex was still in the same position Mulder had left him in, mouth still partly open on rasping, ragged breaths.  Mulder looked at the clock and frowned.  It was almost four in the afternoon.  Krycek had been asleep for nearly eleven hours.  The man was starved and dehydrated.  Mulder knew he probably needed his rest, but he didn't want him slipping into a coma from lack of sustenance.  He swallowed and climbed out of bed.

He reached down and put his hand on Alex's forehead, not so much because he thought he'd even know the difference if the man had a fever, but because that's what Scully always did when he wasn't feeling well.

"Alex," he said, leaning in closely and stroking his thumb over the smooth forehead.  He did feel warm.  "Hey, Alex, wake up."

The eyelids, now relatively clean, flickered a little, but there was no other response.  Still, Mulder was encouraged by the small movement.  At least he was reactive.

"Alex, you need to wake up and drink some water.  Eat something," he said.  "I got some tea and some soup."  He started to feel a little helpless and realized he was breathing hard.  What would he do if there was something seriously wrong?  He couldn't take Alex to a doctor, and it would take hours for Scully to get here.  He sat down on the bed next to Alex and leaned in, shaking him firmly.

"Alex, I know you're tired, but listen to me!  You need to wake up now!"

Alex's eyes fluttered again, then slowly opened and fixed on Mulder, who was leaning into his face, frowning deeply.  Recognition dawned, and Alex gasped, jerking back against the pillows.

"It's okay, Alex, it's me, Mulder," he said, reaching to push back the dirty hair from Alex's clean forehead.

Alex jerked back again, his eyes wide open now and terrified.  "Wha...wha..." he whispered, breathless.

"Relax, take it easy," Mulder said gently.  "It's just me.  I'm here to help you.  Remember?  I got you out of the silo."

Alex was trembling now, staring at Mulder's face.  Then he blinked and Mulder watched his body relax slightly.  Alex nodded briefly, swallowing.  Mulder grimaced as he watched the pain twist Alex's features.

"Let's get you some water," he said, getting up off the bed.  He went over to the Evian bottle and brought it over.  "Can you sit up?" he asked, arching his brows.

Alex sighed and moved slowly, getting his arms into position to push him up against the headboard.  He was shaking badly and struggling, and finally Mulder set the water down on the table beside the bed.  He leaned in, pushing the blanket down Alex's body and putting his arms around the bare torso, tugging.  Alex made a small, startled sound and jerked, but Mulder just continued pulling him up and settling him against the headboard.  He quickly walked over and got his own pillow, shoving it behind Alex's back for support, then stood back, smiling faintly.

Alex watched him with wide, reddened eyes.

Mulder took the water bottle and extended it to Alex, looking down at his dirty hands, shaking and twitching against the blankets.  Alex lifted his hand slowly and took the bottle, bringing it to his cracked lips carefully and tipping it.

He swallowed cautiously, choking a little, but slowly drank down the remainder of the bottle.

"More?" asked Mulder, arching his brows and holding his hand out.

Alex nodded, dropping his eyes and handing Mulder the bottle.  He was still trembling badly, and Mulder sighed softly as he went to fill it.  He brought it back and watched as Alex again drank slowly and carefully.  As he was lowering the bottle from his lips, it slipped in his shaking hand and fell, spilling a little down his naked front.  Alex gasped and grabbed for the bottle, but Mulder already had it in hand, righting it before it could thoroughly soak the other man.

"Sorry," Alex gasped urgently.

"Hey, it's okay," said Mulder.  "Let's face it, you needed a shower anyway."  He smiled, but Alex only looked at him, swallowing.  Mulder hurried to the bathroom and returned with a hand towel, handing it to Alex, who took it and started wiping the water from himself slowly.  "You need to eat something," Mulder said, feeling his throat constrict at Alex's violent shaking and obvious weakness.  "I got some bouillon cubes, and there's hot water in the coffee maker.  Sound good?"

Alex closed his eyes, nodding, and let out a trembling breath.

"Good," said Mulder, going over to the appliance and making up a cup.  He used a spoon to crush the cube, hurrying the process of dissolving it.  He brought it back over to Alex and started to extend his hand, then, looking at the steaming cup, thought better of it and took a seat on the bed.  "I think I'd better hold this until you get some of your strength back," he said.  "You've got enough crap to wash off you, you don't need to add soup.  And the last thing you want is a second-degree burn to add to the mess."

Alex again just stared at him.  Mulder tested the temperature of the soup, making sure it wasn't hot enough to burn, then placed the cup at Alex's lips.  Alex's hands came up around Mulder's, helping guide the cup, and Mulder found his own hand trembling just a little as he watched Alex's throat swallow down the nourishment.  Alex grimaced with pain but didn't push the cup away.

"Easy, take it slow," he said.  "You don't wanna puke it back up."

Alex slowly but steadily drained the cup, then lowered his hands away from Mulder's, letting them fall to his sides.  Mulder took the cup away and absently used the damp hand towel the wipe Alex's lips.  "Do you think you could handle more?" he asked, already getting up to get it.

"No," Alex whispered.  "Not yet," he added quickly.

Mulder nodded, firming his lips in what he hoped was a reassuring smile.  He stood by Alex's bedside for a minute, unsure what to do next.  "So...how do you feel?" he finally asked.

Alex blinked and swallowed.  "I'm...not hurt..." he said, his voice coming out ragged and whispery.  Probably from the crying.  And screaming.

"That's good," Mulder said, nodding.  "Your hands are kind of a mess, though."  He gestured to where they were lying at Krycek's sides.

Krycek pulled them into his lap, looking down at them.  Mulder studied them along with him.  They were filthy, leaving smudges on the sheets and blankets.  Dirt, oil, and blood.  The tips of his fingers were raw.

"How'd you do that?" Mulder asked very quietly.

Alex continued staring at his hands, turning them over and laying them down on the sheets.  "Digging," he rasped.

Mulder frowned.  "Digging where?" he asked.  "I didn't see any dirt."  Just solid concrete and metal walls.

Alex swallowed.  "I thought maybe I could break up the concrete at the bottom of the door," he said.

Mulder let out a quiet breath, imagining the blood smears on that solid, smooth cement surface.  He just nodded slowly.  "Well, we need to get them cleaned up and bandaged," he said.  "Need to get the rest of you cleaned up, too.  Think you can make it to the tub?  If I help you?" he added, looking at Krycek's exhausted, trembling body.

"I...I don't know..." Alex said.  "I wanna get clean," he said, starting to push the blankets away.

Mulder rushed forward to help, putting his arms around Krycek's shoulders and helping him stand.  As soon as Alex was on his feet, his eyes rolled back in his head and he started to collapse.

"Whoa!" Mulder said, grabbing him just before he could slip to the floor.  He directed the falling body back onto the bed.  He bent and lifted Alex's feet and legs, positioning him back into the center.  He looked down at Alex's unconscious form.  "Okay, that didn't exactly work." He sighed, leaning over.  "Alex?" he asked.  "Are you okay?"

Alex's head moved and his eyes slowly opened.  This time when he saw Mulder standing over him, he didn't start, only blinked up at him hazily.  "Wha...what happened?"

"You didn't exactly make it to the tub," Mulder said.  "I don't think we should try that one again for a while."

Alex closed his eyes.  "I'm sorry," he whispered.  "I know I stink."

Mulder sighed.  "Yeah, you do," he said truthfully.

Alex opened his eyes and he looked like a dog that's had an accident on the rug.

Mulder shrugged.  "But don't worry about it.  The only thing you need to worry about is getting your strength back.  After all," he said, one corner of his mouth coming up in a smirk.  "You're gonna have to use that bathroom sooner or later.  I didn't bring a bedpan."  He had a flash of unease at the fear that maybe Krycek wouldn't be able to make it to the bathroom for that, either, when the time came.  He tried not to think about it.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered again.  He closed his eyes.  "I'll make it.  Don't worry."

"You'll be fine," Mulder said quietly.  "We'll get ya there."

Alex let out a deep sigh and opened his eyes, then started shifting himself on the bed, trying to get back up to the pillows.

Mulder wondered if he should help, but thought Alex probably wanted to do this on his own, after such a disappointing experience with his attempt to bathe.  He just watched as Alex slowly, painstakingly scooted himself back up the bed and pulled the covers over his shivering body.  He was clad only in a pair of black briefs.  When he had the covers up over himself again, he let out a long, shaky sigh and closed his eyes.  Mulder sighed softly in sympathetic relief.

"What happened?" Alex whispered, his eyes still closed.

Mulder frowned.  "You mean how did I get you out?  Wasn't that hard.  Everyone was gone when I came back this time..."

"This time?" Alex opened his eyes, frowning.

Mulder licked his lips.  So Alex didn't know he'd been there before.  He couldn't decide if that was a good thing or not, for Alex to know Mulder had been so close but hadn't found him.  But Mulder wasn't a liar.  "Yeah.  I was there before, but the cigarette man caught me."

"You...you came after me before?"  The incredulous hope in Alex's voice cut Mulder like shards of glass.

Mulder sighed and dropped his gaze to the floor between them.  He hadn't been going after Krycek before.  He'd been going after the UFO.  Back then, he hadn't cared that Krycek might be dying eight stories underground.  He took a step back and grabbed the chair against the wall.  He pulled it out from the wall, a little closer to Krycek's bed, and sat down.  He thought about lying, but to what purpose?  To raise Krycek's hopes that Mulder had cared about him?  Why?  He sighed deeply, making the decision that if they were going to make anything of this...thing between them, it would have to be founded on truths.  Even the most painful ones.

"I...found out that you were going after the UFO," he said, not looking at Alex.  "I tracked you there."

He could see Krycek slowly nodding out of the corner of his eye.  He looked up and Krycek was staring at his dirty hands in his lap.  Mulder looked at his sad, beautiful, older-than-they-should-look eyes and closed his own.

He opened them again as Krycek spoke.  "But...you did come back," he whispered, still staring at his hands.

"Yes," said Mulder, nodding.

"The ship's gone," Alex whispered.

"I know," said Mulder.  "I didn't go there for the ship...this time," he said quietly.

Krycek's gaze lifted to meet his.

Mulder gritted his teeth against the disbelief in Alex's eyes.  He looked down, feeling the guilt churn his stomach.  How could he have been so heartless?  How could he *not* have wanted to get Alex out of there sooner? It wasn't that he'd *wanted* Krycek to die.  And to be honest, he hadn't known that someone else wouldn't get Alex out.

"I...thought maybe *he* would let you out," Mulder said softly, truthfully.

Alex's laugh was dark and torn as his eyes dropped back to his lap.  "I don't work for *him*," he said, the bitterness making his ragged voice sound even more raw.  "He tried to kill me."  He took a deep, halting breath and let it back out.  "He left me there."

Mulder's hands clenched, wanting to do something, though he didn't know what.  Something to take away the pain and desolation in Alex's voice.  The hopelessness.  "I didn't know," he said lowly.  He stared at those glazed, reddened, gray-green eyes and sighed.  "How could I?"

It was Alex's turn to sigh, and he looked up at Mulder.  Then he dropped his gaze again, shaking his head.  "I guess you couldn't," he said softly.  His voice dropped even lower, almost inaudible.  "You don't know anything about me."

A shiver worked its way through Mulder's body.  Both at hearing those words, like ghosts from their past as partners, and at the knowledge that he did know a little something, at least, about Alex now.

"I thought...I was gonna die down there," Alex rasped.

Mulder didn't know what to say to that, so he just listened.

"I thought about that," Alex whispered.

Mulder frowned.  "About what?"

Alex looked up.  "About you not knowing anything about me."

Mulder controlled the gasp, breathing it out slowly.  He couldn't look away from those eyes, focused so intently on his own.

"I..." Alex breathed.  Then he swallowed and took another breath.  "I didn't want to die with you thinking I didn't...that I ever meant to..."

Mulder nodded, looking away.  "I know," he said quietly.

"No, Mulder, you don't," said Alex, his voice strengthening.  He pushed himself up higher.

Mulder raised his eyes, scared of what he would hear.

"I didn't want to...hurt you," Alex said, his voice faltering on the words.  "I never wanted that."

Mulder just looked at him, waiting.

"I...admire you, Mulder," said Krycek, looking away.  His shoulders hunched slightly as if in defense.  His voice was barely a whisper.  "I always have."

Mulder frowned, letting out an exasperated sigh.  "You lied to me," he said quietly.  When Krycek didn't answer, just dropping his head lower, Mulder added, "I trusted you."

Krycek's eyes closed.  "I know," he whispered.  He took several deep breaths, then raised his face, his mouth trembling.  "I had no idea what was going on until it was too late, Mulder," he whispered.  "I didn't even know where they had taken her until you figured it out.  I didn't know anything!  God, I'm..."  He dropped his head again, firming his lips, and Mulder watched his hands clench in his lap.

Yeah, it was a little late for sorry, Mulder thought.  But he was as saddened by that fact as Krycek seemed to be.  He sighed and watched him blink and twist his hands together.  He was reminded that those hands needed to be cleaned and dressed.  He stood up from the chair.  "Let's get those hands fixed up," he said, going into the bathroom for the ice bucket again.

He filled it with warm water and grabbed the soap and washcloth, then took it all out and placed it on the bedside table.  He didn't look at Krycek as he pulled the chair up next to the bed and reached for the cloth, dunking it in the warm water and wringing it out.

He reached for Krycek's hands, taking hold of the nearest one gently.  It jerked away from his slightly, but he ignored the automatic reaction and held it firmly, bringing it over to the edge of the bed.  He still didn't look at Krycek's face as he placed the folded hand towel down to catch any drips, and began carefully squeezing water over Krycek's ragged fingertips.  He then wiped them very, very carefully with the cloth.  Krycek had large, square, strong hands.  Work hands.  Hard, but not calloused.  Relatively soft, actually, for a man.  Not as soft as Mulder's probably, since the only hard labor Mulder ever did was scrub his bathtub, and that was only a few times a year.  But, Mulder noticed, his fingers were long and graceful.  Like his legs.

He could hear Krycek's breaths catching in his throat as he worked, but tried to ignore the soft sounds of distress, concentrating on his task.  "Here," he said, holding the bucket up in front of Krycek's hands.  "Dunk them."

He watched as Krycek lowered his hands into the warm water and swished them around.  As he withdrew them, Mulder picked up the washcloth and continued wiping away as much of the grime as he could.  Much of the dark coloring refused to be washed away, and he realized it was severe bruising.  From pounding on the door.  He finished up, washing away what he could, careful not to spend too much time on what he couldn't.

"There," he said, surveying his work.  The hands weren't pristine, but they were a hell of a lot better than they had been, and Mulder figured they were ready for medicine and bandages.  He went into the bathroom and brought out his travel kit, dumping the contents on the bed.  He picked out the ointment tube and twisted off the little cap, then reached out and took hold of one of Krycek's hands again.

Though it was now warm and clean, it still trembled in his grasp, but Krycek didn't resist as Mulder squeezed ointment onto the end of each finger and thumb.  He unwrapped ten soft, fabric Band-Aids and placed one on each digit, then unwrapped ten more and reinforced the first so they wouldn't fall off.  When he was satisfied, he sighed and brushed all the little wrappers into his hands, then dumped them into the garbage can.  He still hadn't looked anywhere near Krycek's face, but he could hear his labored breathing, starting to even out now.

He began picking up the scattered contents of his travel kit again, scooping them up quickly and shoving them in the bag, zipping it closed.  He rose from the chair and took the kit in the bathroom, then immediately felt the panic rise as he realized he didn't know what he was going to do next.  He took a deep breath, running his hand, which he realized was trembling slightly, through his hair.  He put a calm look on his face and exited the bathroom, switching off the light.

He was inordinately glad when his stomach growled loudly, giving him something to focus on.  "Damn, I'm starved," he said, then immediately regretted his choice of words.  He didn't look at Alex as he went over to the TV and picked up the room service menu.  He scanned the choices.  Without looking up, he asked, "Do you want anything?"

"Um...tea?  For my throat..." Alex said softly, clearing it.

"Oh, yeah, I got you some," said Mulder, setting the menu down and going over the coffee maker.  He grabbed up the packets, then took them over, spreading his palms out so Alex could see them all.  "Which kind do you want?"  He still wasn't looking at Alex's face.  He looked at the tea.

Alex's bandaged fingers came up and closed around the bag of lemon tea, pulling it carefully away from the others.  Mulder threw the rest of them on the counter, then returned for the lemon bag, taking it from Alex's hand where it rested on his lap.  He dropped it in a cup and poured hot water over it, placing it on the table beside Alex's bed.  He dropped several honey packets beside it.  He returned to the menu.  "Anything else?" he asked, scanning the choices once again, his stomach rumbling loudly.

"I...I dunno," said Alex hesitantly.  "I'm hungry," he said, sounding a little breathless at the admission.  "But..."

"Yeah, don't wanna have to throw up when you can't even make it to the bathroom, yet.  Hmm..." he said, turning the page.  "I think white grape juice is the gentlest on the stomach.  And...what about a banana?  I think that would probably be safe.  It's what they give babies, isn't it?"  He looked up and found Alex staring at him, eyes slightly narrowed.

"Is...that what this is about?" Alex asked very quietly.

Mulder frowned.  "What?"

Alex studied him a moment.  "Seeing me like this.  Vulnerable.  Helpless.  Unable to get to the bathroom by myself."  Alex leveled his gaze and lowered his chin.  "Is that what you're getting out of this?"

Mulder started to tell him no, but then he realized that he *was* kind of getting off on it.  He was enjoying being with Alex this way, knowing he had the power, knowing that Alex was unable to hurt him, at least for now.

"So what if it is?" he asked, staring back.  "Maybe it does help me to let go of some of the old..."  He was about to say hatred, but that didn't feel right, so he changed it.  "...anger, seeing you like this.  Knowing you can't do anything right now to screw up my life.  Knowing you can't really do *anything* without my help."  Mulder licked his lips and raised his chin.  "Is that a problem?"

Krycek just stared at him for several moments, and Mulder swallowed but didn't look away.  Finally, Krycek spoke, his voice low, barely above a whisper, and his eyes burned.  "If it makes up for some of it...if it...makes you...feel better...do whatever you need to with me, Mulder."

Mulder's breath left him in a soft exhale.  For a minute, he couldn't say anything.  Then he blinked and looked away, raising the menu back up and focusing in on it again.  "Right now, I just wanna feed you," he mumbled.

Then what, his mind asked.  But Mulder refused to listen or answer, just reaching for the phone and dialing.

Krycek was able to consume and keep down a glass of white grape juice, more water, and half a banana.  He sipped the tea, and as soon as Mulder noticed the cup was empty, he made more, adding lots of honey.  Mulder ate an entire dinner and desert, then finished the other half of Krycek's banana, flipping through channels on the television.  "You ever watch Buffy?" he asked through a mouthful.

"No," Alex answered.  "I don't watch much TV."

"S'pretty cool," said Mulder, then he swallowed.  "Totally unrealistic paranormal crap, of course, but the cast is hot."

"Oh yeah?" asked Alex, showing the first glimmer of personality since Mulder had pulled him out of the silo.

"Yeah," said Mulder, getting comfortable.  "Oh, cool, this is the one where Spike finally tells Buffy that he loves her.  See, he's a vampire, but he's discovered he's actually in love with his worst enemy, the vampire slayer.  Of course, she won't have anything to do with him, even though there's *all* this amazing sexual tension between them every time they get together."

"Hmm..." said Alex, nodding.

They watched in silence for about fifteen minutes, then a commercial came on.

"I think she oughta give him a chance," Mulder said, reaching over to the room service tray and picking scraps off it.

"But he's the bad guy," said Alex.

Mulder looked over at him, chewing his crust of toast.  "Well, yeah," he said, turning back to the screen and paying close attention to the Chia Head commercial.  "But the fact that he can love says something, don't you think?"

"I dunno," replied Alex.  "Maybe he just wants to fuck her."

Mulder inhaled and exhaled slowly.  He swallowed.  "I suppose," he said.  "But he's done some pretty selfless things in other episodes, and it seems like he really cares about her feelings, not just her body."

"Mmm," said Alex.  "Well, even if he does really love her, how does *she* know it's not all just a scheme to get in her pants, or worse yet, to hurt her?"

Mulder looked over at Alex.  "She doesn't.  That's why she's so cruel to him.  He's hurt her in the past.  Even tried to kill her.  So she just keeps beating him up and keeping him at a distance."

Alex exhaled slowly and didn't look away.  "That's understandable."

"So what do *you* think?" Mulder asked.  "Do you think she should give him a chance?"

Alex stayed quiet a minute, then shrugged.  "Well, it's not like she's ever going to love him back, but she may as well fuck him.  Like you said, he's hot."

Mulder slowly let out his breath.  "I never said that *he* was hot.  I said the cast was hot."

Alex didn't reply.  He looked away from Mulder, focusing on the TV again as the show came back on.

Mulder slowly looked away from Alex and turned back to watching Buffy.

As the hip theme music wrapped up the episode, he heard a huge yawn break from Alex's side of the room and looked over to see the dark-ringed, still-reddened eyes blinking slowly.  He turned down the television and took a peek into Alex's teacup to make sure it wasn't empty, then started surfing the channels to find something else to watch.  Before he'd settled on anything, he heard Alex's breathing settle into a heavy, steady rhythm.  He sighed and got comfortable, relaxed at how Alex's snores were much less labored than before.  They were actually soothing somehow, maybe just the repetition, the soft, deep inhalation and release, over and over.  Hypnotizing, even.  Mulder felt his own eyelids grow heavy.

He bolted awake at the sound of gagging, disoriented for a minute and grabbing for his gun on the nightstand before he realized that it wouldn't serve any usefulness in this particular situation, as Alex was staggering out of his bed and lurching toward the bathroom.  Mulder dropped his gun back onto the table and got out of bed just as Alex fell to his knees outside the bathroom door, vomiting.

Mulder cringed as he heard the abused throat convulsively give up its hold on the scant nourishment Alex had taken in.  The choked sobs trapped within Alex's heaves let Mulder know it was just as painful as it sounded.  Alex crawled, still heaving, over to the toilet and hung his head over the bowl to finish emptying his stomach.  Mulder wrinkled his nose and walked over, standing just beyond the reach of Alex's vomit-trail and watching.

"Fuck...fuck...fuck..." Alex was gasping into the bowl, still wracked from time to time by dry heaves which seemed to pull desolate moans from the deepest reaches of his soul as he crouched over the toilet.

Mulder stood there uncertainly, frowning, having no idea what to do to make the situation easier.  Alex's pale, filthy body was trembling uncontrollably as he raised his hand to wipe his mouth, his sweaty hands slipping on the porcelain of the toilet seat as he struggled to hold himself over it.

"Um...can I..." Mulder started.

Alex's voice was a squeezed, whispering sob.  "Mulder...please..."

Mulder nodded and stepped back, giving Alex some privacy.  He didn't feel right sitting back down on his bed, so he made a pretense of cleaning up the room service mess, placing the tray outside the door for pick-up.  He came back in and closed the door, and it was quiet in the room except for the soft drone of the television.  He stood in the middle of the room, holding his elbows, shifting from foot to foot.  He looked down at the mess on the floor.  Not much to clean up, really, since Alex hadn't had much more than clear liquids so far.  But there was a noticeable trail from the carpet just outside the bathroom that Mulder knew led in to where Alex was still at.

He wanted to give Alex some privacy, but he was worried that the man might just pass out on the tile floor.  He might even hit his head on the tub next to the toilet in the process.  He started toward the door and then stopped as he heard the bathtub faucet come on.  So Alex was going to try to take a bath.  Could he handle that on his own?  Without passing out and drowning?  Mulder had his doubts.  Slowly, he approached the bathroom.

He tried not to look at Alex's shivering form as he walked casually up to the towel rack and pulled one down.  Alex had crawled into the tub, still wearing his briefs, and was hugging his knees as the tub filled.  Mulder wordlessly grabbed the bath gel from his travel kit and tossed it into the shallow water.  He then bent to the task of sopping up Alex's mess.

"Sorry," Alex rasped, trying to be heard over the running water.

Mulder tried to think of some off-hand remark to remove the awkwardness, but had to settle for shrugging as he finished mopping up the scant evidence of Alex's sickness.  "You want something to drink?" he asked, rising up and wadding the towel into a ball.  He chanced a half-second's glance at Alex, who didn't look up, but nodded, his lips firming.

"Please."

Mulder nodded and took the towel out and put it on the floor in the hall, then went to the phone and called for room service and maid service.  He left Alex alone in the tub for the ten minutes it took for someone to come knock on the door, reassured by the soft sounds of Alex washing himself.  He rejected the maid's offers to come in and clean the room, telling her that now was not a good time, but thanking her for the fresh sheets, towels, pillows, and blankets.  He took the 7-Up and Gatorade from the room service attendant's hands and gave him a buck.  He closed the door and took the new tray over to the counter outside the bathroom.  He stepped into the doorway and cleared his throat.

"Um, I got 7-Up and Gatorade.  Figured we'd get your stomach settled down a little before we tried to rehydrate you."

Alex glanced up at him and nodded, then dropped his eyes again, looking exhausted and defeated.  He picked up the shower gel and slowly squirted some into his still-shaking hand, then carefully closed the bottle and laid it on the side of the tub.  He rubbed his hands together and raised them to his head, then winced as his raw fingertips pressed against his scalp.  He flattened his hands and started trying to wash his hair with his palms.

Mulder sighed, looked to the side, then looked back at the man palming his hair.  He swallowed and stepped forward, going to his knees beside the tub.  He realized Alex was still wearing his black briefs.  Well, he reasoned, they did need cleaned, too.  He was very grateful for Alex's pragmatism and possible modesty as he tried to get comfortable.

"Here," he said, taking hold of Alex's wrists and pulling them away from his head.  He could feel the resistance as he did so, but Alex was far beyond being able to fight him and simply let his hands lay in his lap under the water.  Mulder put his fingers in Alex's hair and began to gently work up a lather.

Alex's head fell back, his eyes closing and his mouth opening on a soft, trembling sigh.  Mulder swallowed and kept massaging, trying to reach all the parts of Alex's head, working his fingers in slow, firm, gentle circles in case there were any injuries he didn't know about.  There didn't seem to be any, as Alex's only reaction to the shampooing was a continued string of soft exhales and a few grunts.  He let his head drop forward as Mulder worked on the back.  Mulder raked his nails up the base of Alex's skull.  He watched Alex's resulting shivers with a mixture of apprehension and pride, then spent an extra few minutes there, loosening the tight tendons at the back of Alex's neck.  Alex made a tiny, aborted sound in the back of his throat and Mulder sighed, taking one last big swipe up the back of his head.

"Time to rinse," he said softly.  "Close your eyes."  He looked around for a minute, then remembered the ice bucket, and rose from his knees to go get it.  He didn't let himself think about what he was doing as he re-entered the bathroom to find Alex still sitting there, head bowed, eyes closed as instructed.

Mulder turned on the water and adjusted it to a temperature slightly warmer than the cooling bathwater, then filled the bucket.  As he poured it over Alex's head, he heard the long, soft gasp that came from his lips.  He refilled the bucket, glancing at the way the water ran down Alex's face and collected in his thick lashes, dripping off the tip of his tiny nose and running down his sharp chin.  Alex kept his eyes closed the whole time, so Mulder let himself look more than he had been.

His cheeks were hollowed, sunken, making his chin look sharper than usual.  He had dark smudges around his eyes that looked like bruising, and for a startling minute, Mulder remembered smashing the phone receiver into Alex's face just...eight days ago?  But he wouldn't still be bruised from that, would he?  Probably just exhaustion and stress.  Still, Mulder swallowed uncomfortably as he continued his assessment, pouring another bucket of warm water over Alex's head.

His body, like his face, was smudged with dark purple and red, but Mulder knew that this really was bruising.  Probably at least partly from his own hands and rough handling against the phone bank, but some of the bruising was the green and yellow of old, healing injuries, and it was all punctuated with a few patches of shiny, stretched, scarred flesh.  And it didn't really look like he'd gotten himself that clean yet, either.  He was probably too weak to do more than dribble soap and water over himself.  A good scrub was probably beyond his capabilities.

Well, Mulder reasoned, turning off the water, he didn't want Alex's dirty body getting those fresh sheets all messed up again, did he?  And he didn't want to have to smell a not-clean-enough Alex in the confines of the shared hotel room.  So he really had no choice.  Right?

Alex raised weak, trembling hands up to his face, wiping up and over the top of his head, blinking water out of his eyes.  Mulder reached over to his travel kit and pulled out the small bath brush he always carried, squirting a dollop of gel on the bristles.  Alex frowned as he saw what Mulder was doing.

"I don't wanna be smelling your stink any longer," Mulder murmured, casually starting to scrub Alex's nearest shoulder with the brush in quick but careful circles.  Alex's gasp was audible and he made no attempt to hide it, though he did relexively pull away a little before taking a breath and trying to relax into Mulder's ministrations.  He licked his lips and stared straight ahead, never meeting Mulder's eyes.

Mulder worked the brush over Alex's shoulder and near arm, lifting it quickly to get the armpit, then moving on to his chest.  He tried not to look too closely as he scrubbed through the sparse hair there, ignoring the way Alex's nipples poked through the lather, pink-brown and hard in the cool air.  Mulder reached down for Alex's other hand, and Alex jerked again then let him take it, and Mulder clenched his jaw and scrubbed it thoroughly, staring at the tiles as he quickly worked the brush under Alex's arm.  He cleared his throat and let the arm drop, then swished the brush through the water before adding more gel.

"Could you...lean forward," he said, making it more of a demand than a question.

Alex immediately bent over, and Mulder rose up a bit and started scrubbing his back.

"Mmmmgod," Alex mumbled under his breath, following that up with a few more low, ecstatic grunting noises from deep in his chest.  He was breathing hard, his ribs expanding and contracting beneath the lather.

Mulder breathed deeply and kept working, scrubbing in big, then small, then big-again circles, thoroughly covering every bit of Alex's broad, well-muscled back that was above the water.  When Alex's grunts had turned to long sighs, Mulder finally sat back on his heels, wiping the sweat from his brow.  Alex sighed deeply and slowly straightened up again.

"Can you stand up?" Mulder asked, swishing the brush through the now-filthy water.

Alex turned his head to look at Mulder's face for the first time since he'd staggered into the bathroom.  "I..."

"I'll do your legs," Mulder interrupted, busily squirting gel onto the brush again.  "But you're doing the rest."

Alex nodded, swallowing.  "I can stand," he said.  "If..."

Mulder just nodded, setting the brush on the side of the tub and rising to his feet.  He reached down, still trying to look anywhere but at Alex's face as he took hold of Alex's hands and helped pull him to his feet.  "Here, grab the curtain rod," he said, helping him get a good hold on it.  Then he reached down for the brush and realized his own hands were shaking, too.

He looked up to begin washing Alex's legs and had to look away quickly, staring at a crack in the tile of the backwash.  Alex was obviously very erect under his soaked, clinging briefs.  Even though Mulder was making every attempt *not* to look there, he could actually see the delicate shape of Alex's cockhead outlined by the wet cotton.

Oh dear God, how was he going to do this?

He hadn't had feelings like this...thoughts like this...since college.

He'd never had a relationship with a man, few enough of them with women, but he'd experimented enough to know that he could, indeed, find the male body sexually attractive.  And he could definitely take enjoyment from being touched by another man.  He realized as he stared motionless at the crack in the tile that he really shouldn't be thinking about the three blowjobs he'd received, or the one he'd given, or the five or so handjobs he'd exchanged with guys in the dark.  He hadn't ever even gone on a date with another man, just letting that side of himself out to play after a night of clubbing, or at one of the many parties he attended that ended being nothing more than an excuse to drink so much that he couldn't be held responsible for his actions.

He hadn't really even entertained thoughts like this when Alex had been his partner.

He'd liked him, sure, and had started to really enjoy working with him.  And he found himself wanting to touch him, the way he touched Scully, just a hand on his shoulder or elbow, a brush of his own shoulder against Alex's as they pored over the computer or put their heads together over a file.  It had felt right.  Comfortable.  Good.  Which had made the pain all that much more poignant when Mulder realized the feelings of intimacy were all one-sided.

But they weren't.  Mulder had been shown that by the ghosts.  Mulder wasn't the only one to have a more than professional interest in his partnership with Alex.  Alex had felt something.  In fact, he had felt something before Mulder had ever met him.

And he was...feeling something now, evidently.

Mulder had had no idea that Alex might be...gay...or...bisexual...during his partnership with the younger man.  He had seemed as straight, clean-cut, and vanilla as possible.  Mulder had never even fantasized that he might be wrong about that.  He figured a good-looking kid like that probably had all kinds of girls hanging off him.  In fact, he'd mused that someone as loyal and responsible as Alex was probably had a steady girl that he'd been with since high school.

Mulder let his breath out through his slightly-pursed lips.  He was frowning intently at the broken tile when Alex's soft voice startled him out of his reverie.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered, so softly Mulder almost didn't hear him.

Mulder blinked his eyes away from the tile and they immediately flickered back to Alex's erection, but in the next second, Mulder realized Alex's leg muscles were twitching, his wet body trembling and rapidly chilling in the cool of the room.

"I...no," said Mulder quickly, ignoring the erection and quickly scrubbing over Alex's nearest thigh.  He gritted his teeth as he had to steady the back of Alex's leg with one hand while he washed with the other.  Alex's muscles were hard under Mulder's hand, and he quickly moved down, scrubbing Alex's leg as quickly and efficiently as possible, then reaching between his legs to grab the other one.

Alex let out a small sound and spread his legs a little further, and Mulder's ear was now about eight inches from Alex's...eight inches...as Mulder hurriedly scrubbed the front and then the back of his far leg.  With a shaking sigh, he swished the brush through the water and then reached to turn on the water.  He pulled the plug in the tub, adjusted the water, and then turned on the shower so Alex could get rinsed off.  He stood back as the warm water washed the lather from Alex's body.  He waited a moment, then stepped forward before Alex could reach down the for the taps himself, afraid he might be too light-headed to accomplish turning them off without taking a header.

Once the water was off, he grabbed a towel from the etagre over the toilet and handed it to Alex, looking at the towel and not the other man.

Alex disengaged his hands from the curtain rod and stumbled slightly, and Mulder had to reach out and steady him as he stepped over the side of the tub.  He hoped Alex was too weak and faint to notice as Mulder's own erection bumped firmly against his hip.

"Here, sit down before you fall down," he mumbled, throwing another towel down on the closed toilet lid and leading Alex down onto it.  "Get dried off and I'll get you some clothes."  He turned with a deep, controlled sigh and walked out of the bathroom, his body sagging with the relief at no longer being forced into such close, compromising proximity with Alex's wet, aroused body.

He glanced down at his hard-on, trying to push its way right through the fly of his boxers, and clenched his teeth.  He stalked over to his suitcase and pulled out a pair of sweats, figuring another layer of fabric might help.  He yanked them up his body quickly, then pulled out a clean pair of dark green boxer briefs for Alex.  He didn't have another pair of sweats.  He grabbed a T-shirt and headed back into the bathroom.

Alex was slumped on the toilet lid, towel clutched to his chest, shivering.  He only looked about half-dried-off.  His head came up partway as Mulder entered the room.

"Why don't you put these on and we'll get you back into bed," Mulder said, feeling himself blush stupidly at the perfectly innocent words.  "You can have some 7-Up and maybe try to get a little something back in your stomach."

Alex dropped his head again and nodded, then began slowly rubbing the bunched towel over himself.  Mulder set the clothes on the counter.  "Um...do you...can you  make it to the bed by yourself?"

Alex stopped the motions of the towel, just staring at the floor.  His eyes closed.

"Well, let me know when you're ready and I'll come in and help," Mulder said, swallowing.  "I'm just gonna...go get some more ice."  He stepped forward and picked up the ice bucket off the floor, then turned and walked out of the bathroom.

As he walked out to the ice machine at the end of the hall, he thought back to Alex saying he thought the actor who played Spike on Buffy was hot.  God, was he gay or bi?  Did it matter?  The real issue here was how did he really feel about Mulder?  He'd made the comment about Spike maybe just wanting to fuck Buffy.  But the ghosts had shown Mulder nothing about lust and everything about...something else.  So if Alex had lust for Mulder, it wasn't all he had.

He filled the bucket and started back to the room.

And what did he have for Alex?

Well, he certainly didn't feel the fury he'd felt before, but neither did he feel that comfortable ease and friendliness that had grown up between them so quickly as partners.  And whatever it was that he did feel now was definitely tinged with a rather strong attraction to Alex, physically.  Sexually.  He was really a very beautiful young man.

So beautiful it made Mulder's heart hurt.

But who was he, really?  Mulder wasn't about to let his hormones lead him into some impulsive sexual incident with this man.  No, what he wanted was much more...difficult.  Complicated.  Elusive.  Maybe even impossible.  But he wasn't willing to risk himself for less.

He opened the door and stepped into the room, setting the bucket down on the counter.  Alex wasn't in the bed, so Mulder assumed he was still in the bathroom, waiting for Mulder's help.

Unless he'd gone.

Mulder's mouth fell open on a soft gasp as he hurried over to the bathroom and looked in, frowning.

Alex looked up from his seat on the toilet lid, his breath catching a little at Mulder's suddenness.  And probably the look on his face.

Mulder smoothed out his features, swallowing.  "Ready?" he asked, taking in the sight of Alex dressed in his own favorite heather gray T-shirt and dark green boxer briefs.

Alex blinked and nodded, swallowing.  He began to get to his feet, and Mulder quickly stepped in and offered his arm.  Alex took hold of it firmly, the wet bandages on his fingers squeezing tiny drips of water out onto Mulder's skin.  Mulder placed his hand over Alex's to steady it and began leading him carefully to the bed.  Which he had not yet changed.

"Oh, wait," he said.  "I need to change these."  Alex stopped, biting his lip, and Mulder let out a breath.  "Here, take mine," he said, leading Alex around the end of the bed and to his own.  He helped Alex take a seat on the edge and watched him sigh heavily as he laid back against Mulder's pillows.

Mulder went back over to Alex's bed and quickly stripped it, then put the fresh sheets and blankets and pillows on it, casually giving Alex one of the new ones before grabbing up Alex's dirty bedding and throwing it out into the hall.  They were going to keep housekeeping busy.  When he turned around, wiping the sweat off his brow with the back of his hand, Alex was curled up on his side, burrowed into the blankets, nose pressed into Mulder's pillow, snoring again.

Quietly, so as not to wake him, Mulder picked up the tea from Alex's bedside table and put it on his own, then took the remote from his table and took it over to Alex's.  He sat down on the bed, holding the remote loosely.  "Rest, Alex," he said very quietly.  "I'll be here."  He glanced at the clock which read 10:48 p.m. and decided he'd better make one last run on room service before they stopped serving at midnight.  Alex was bound to be hungry, and Mulder was feeling hungry himself after the evening's exertions.  He ordered a bunch of fresh fruit and a dozen assorted muffins, more tea and honey and bouillon cubes, and a chicken club sandwich.  He also requested that they bring up multi-vitamins from the gift shop.

He'd finished his sandwich a long time ago, plus one of the muffins, and was just biting into an apple, watching a horrible sci-fi movie, when he heard Alex moan and turn over in the bed.  He looked over in time to see Alex push back the covers slowly, then slide his legs out and plant his feet on the floor.  He waited, watching as Alex hung his head low, supporting himself with his hands on the bed, breathing.  Then Alex hauled himself to his feet.

Mulder dearly hoped he wasn't going to be cleaning up any more puke.  Although he doubted Alex had anything left in him *to* puke.  "Are...you..." he started to ask, but Alex's hand came up and he waved Mulder off without looking at him.  Mulder closed his mouth, watching as Alex slowly made his way to the bathroom and closed the door.  Mulder let out a sigh of relief.  After a few minutes, he heard the water turn on, then a few moments later, the sound of Alex brushing his teeth.  For a really, really long time.  Several times.  Mulder was glad he'd thought to bring Alex a toiletries kit.

Finally, Alex came plodding back into the room, and Mulder had to smirk at how his hair, damp when he'd gone to bed, was now spiked up every which way on his head.  Cute.  That was the word he was searching for.  He sighed and barely shook his head.

Alex climbed back into bed, lying on his back and closing his eyes with a deep sigh.  Mulder turned back to his terrible movie.

"Why did you come back?"  Alex's voice was so rough it stumbled and fell into whisper every other word.

Mulder looked over at him, but Alex still had his eyes closed.  Thank God.  Mulder sighed and turned back to the television, not seeing it any longer.  He wiped his hand over his mouth.  He remembered his decision to tell only truths here, no matter how difficult.

"I didn't want you to die," he finally said, his voice low and a little breathless.

"Why not?" Alex said.  "You said you knew the ship was gone already, and you had the key to the locker."

Mulder closed his eyes, inhaling and exhaling.  "If I'd known you were there...and that no one else was going to..."  Mulder stopped and looked up to see if Alex's eyes were open yet.  They were, and they were fastened right on him.  He swallowed and finished.  "I would have come back for you sooner."

"How *did* you know?" Alex asked, his voice a bit stronger than before, eyes still pinning Mulder's.

Mulder's mouth dropped open gently.  Oh boy.  This is where things get weird, Alex.  And hey, does it really matter?  All that matters is that I got you out.  He sighed, shaking his head.  Truth.  Fuck.  He was beginning to understand why Alex found it so hard to do this.  He tore his gaze away, staring at the remote in his lap.

"It was...a kind of...psychic vision," he mumbled.

"What?"  Alex's voice was clearer now, definitely more alert.

Mulder sighed.  "Psychic vision," he repeated.  He prepared to laugh it off, to ready his arguments to back up this wild claim, even to backtrack and try to change the subject.

"Really?" said Alex softly.

 Mulder looked up, frowning.  Alex's response held none of Scully's skeptical, slightly mocking disbelief.  None of the tired, long-suffering tolerance barely masking as interest.  Alex's tone was one of wondering acceptance.  Curious belief.  Even excited interest.

*I told you, I wanna believe.  I just need a place to start.*

Suddenly, Mulder's throat felt tight, and he swallowed, breathing out slowly and shakily.  He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, and Quantico-student Krycek's flustered, adamant face filled his inner vision.  Whatever else Krycek was, he wasn't like the rest of them.  He didn't just tolerate Mulder's theories and then talk about him behind his back.

He believed.

How long had it been since Mulder had had someone who simply believed?  Then he remembered.  The short partnership.  God, Mulder hadn't realized how much he missed that.  He hadn't let himself think about that part of it.  He'd focused on the fact that he'd been lied to and screwed over, not on the fact that he really *missed* working with Alex.  That was the last time he'd been able to simply share his ideas without readying himself for verbal and intellectual battle every time.

"Mulder?"  Alex's quiet, hesitant voice broke through his tumbling thoughts.

He turned and looked at Alex, who was frowning at him questioningly.

Mulder smiled.

He watched Alex's frown fade, his lips twitch into what was probably an unconscious smile of his own, looking awkward and still worried.

"Yeah, I had a psychic vision of you down in the silo," said Mulder, unable to keep from smiling as he said it.

"Wow..." said Alex wonderingly.  "How did you know it was real?"

And Mulder knew he wasn't doubting Mulder's assessment, only asking to be given more details.  Like any good investigator.  He licked his lips.

"Because I was also shown other things that I knew were real...things I knew were going on at the same time.  Things I could verify easily."

Alex nodded slowly, frowning again, but just slightly.  Mulder remembered that frown from working cases with Krycek before.  It merely meant he was thinking.  "I wonder why..." Alex said softly, looking down into his lap.

Now Mulder's smile faded.  They were stepping into more dangerous territory.

"I don't know if I believe in God," Mulder started, very quietly.  Alex looked up, the frown deepening.  "But I believe in ghosts.  Benevolent spirits," he went on.  "And these ones knew that if I was aware you were still down there, I'd want to get you out."

"How could they know that?" Alex asked through what sounded like a very tight throat.

Because they knew once I saw the truth about you, that I'd be able to let myself care about you again.  He thought it but did not say it.  He wasn't ready for quite that much truth.  So he didn't say anything, letting the question go unanswered.

"Hey, you hungry?" Mulder asked suddenly.

"God yeah," Alex sighed, eyes fluttering closed and then opening.

"I've got muffins and fruit," said Mulder, climbing out of bed to grab the tray.  "Let's see...raspberry, blueberry, lemon poppy seed, chocolate..."

"Chocolate," Alex said.  "Please."

Mulder smiled and picked up the muffin, then took it to Alex, holding it out.  Alex reached up and took it with a trembling hand.

"Thanks."

"Sure," said Mulder, stepping back again.  "Let me get you some more tea.  Or we've got 7-Up and Gatorade, too.  I got ice," he said, turning back to look at Alex.

Alex smiled at him.  The first one Mulder had seen since...it made him swallow and look away quickly.

"I'll start with tea, if that's okay.  I hate Gatorade."

Mulder looked up in time to see Alex duck his head, that tiny smile still on his lips.  Mulder sighed, feeling his body go loose.  "Um, tea, okay," he said.  He picked up Alex's cup and took it over to the coffee maker.  He made Alex another cup of tea and grabbed up the honey packets, taking them over.  "Here," he said, setting it all on the table beside Alex.

"Thanks," Alex said softly, his smile fading into thoughtfulness.  He began eating his muffin, and Mulder settled back on his own bed, crossing his ankles and channel surfing.

The only things he could find were infomercials and religious programming.  No more Christmas specials.

"Guess Christmas is officially over," he mumbled, still surfing.

Alex swallowed and licked chocolate from his lips.  "Christmas?"

Mulder looked over at him.  He'd missed a little smudge of chocolate at the corner of his mouth.  "Um yeah, it's..."  He looked at the clock.  "Two o' clock in the morning, so Christmas has been over for two hours now."

Alex blinked.  "I...I didn't know that," he said.  He licked at his lips again.  He still didn't get the smudge.

"Yeah, I uh...got you out on Christmas Day, technically.  Sorry I didn't say anything."  Mulder looked back to the television screen.  "Merry Christmas," he mumbled very quietly.

Alex sighed heavily.  Then he breathed in and out deeply several times, not moving.  Mulder was afraid to look over.  After a few more moments, he heard Alex say, very quietly, "Thank you."

Mulder didn't say anything, settling on a real estate investment infomercial and not watching it.

"Don't you want to sleep?" Alex said quietly, drinking his tea and reaching for another of the muffins Mulder had moved over between them.

Mulder looked over.  Alex's mouth was still smudged.  It made it very hard to take him seriously.  Should he tell him?  Maybe just hand him a napkin?  He looked back to the television.

"I was up all night Christmas Eve, traveling and...getting you out, and then when we got here and you fell asleep, I slept, too, so...I've had enough sleep and I'm pretty much wide awake, now."

He watched Alex nod out of the corner of his eye.  "I think I've finally gotten enough sleep myself," he said quietly.  His voice fell into a near whisper.  "I feel better."

Mulder nodded, not looking at him, and they watched the infomercial in silence.  Another came on, for a hair removal device, and Mulder went back to surfing.  "You like sci-fi?" he asked, spotting a movie about to come onto HBO.  Alex was quiet so long, he'd thought maybe he hadn't been heard.  He looked over.

Alex blinked as Mulder's eyes met his.  "Not really," he said, so seriously that Mulder almost smiled.  Then, surprising Mulder, he added, "Sorry."

"No biggie," said Mulder.  He continued surfing.

"But we can watch whatever," Alex said, shifting up in the bed.  "I mean, I wasn't trying to say I wouldn't watch it...didn't want to...I just...you asked," he finished, swallowing.

"It's a crappy one, anyway," said Mulder, a little uncomfortable with Alex's newly deferential attitude.  He was being even more careful than he had been when they'd been partners.  He frowned.  More of the old con-job?  Then he reconsidered, setting the television on an already-in-progress drama without consulting Krycek further.

He supposed Krycek did have every reason to want to keep him happy.  He was completely at Mulder's mercy.  In fact, Mulder reasoned, Krycek had no idea what Mulder's intentions were, whether he was going to be hauled into custody as soon as he was well enough to shower by himself.

That line of thought led to one where Mulder realized *he* didn't know what his own intentions were, either.  He hadn't thought about it, past saving Krycek's life.  Well, it was saved, now what?  Alex had already made one trip to the bathroom by himself.  He was recovering quickly.  Mulder could, conceivably, just walk away at this point.  He wasn't sure how Krycek would manage, where he would go, but then, that had never concerned him before.  Why, all of a sudden, was he worried about the fact that Krycek was stranded in North Dakota with no clean clothes?

He sighed.  Shit.  Things had really gone to hell.

"Were you really going to give me that tape?" he asked, keeping his voice level, staring at the movie.

Krycek didn't say anything for several minutes, and Mulder considered asking the question again, really wanting the answer, then Krycek's voice came out soft and serious.  "I gave you the key."

Mulder's lips parted.  He frowned, feeling his anger surge.

"Right, Krycek," he said, his voice rising, "I found that locker you gave me the key to, and there was no tape there.  You wanna remind me some more why I should make a call to Skinner right now and have your scheming little ass thrown in prison?"

Alex's eyes widened, his mouth dropping open.  "Mulder, I...I didn't know...the tape was there, Mulder!  I swear it was!"

Mulder's eyes narrowed.  Krycek could look so sincere when he used those damned eyes.  Suddenly Mulder wanted to hit him.

Krycek must have seen it, because he swallowed and pulled back into the cushions, hands curling into fists in his lap.  Mulder's eyes dropped to them.  You gonna hit me back, Krycek?  You think that's wise?  Suddenly, he realized he'd be beating a weakened, sick man.  One that could barely make it to the toilet by himself.  One that he himself had been nursing back to health.

Jesus.

He threw the remote down and got out of bed, ignoring the way Alex flinched.  He stalked over to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.  He paced the short length of the room, raking his hand through his hair.  How could he be so quickly driven to be such a completely different person, some violent, impulsive asshole who gets his victim just well enough that he can feel comfortable with taking another swing at him?

God!  No one on this planet had the ability to push Mulder's buttons better than Krycek!  What was it about him that made Mulder lose it every single Goddamned time?  Mulder paced and seriously considered the problem.

It was the way Krycek looked so damned sincere.  The way he widened those killer eyes, fluttered those lashes, parted those pink lips and just looked so...believable.  When he'd been Mulder's partner, that combination had never failed to stop Mulder dead in his tracks, ready to believe anything, forgive him anything.  And he had, giving his trust to Alex much more quickly than he'd even given it to Scully.  And he loved her!  And yet it was Alex with whom he'd begun using first names within the first few weeks, Alex he'd found himself babbling to about his theories unreservedly.

Mulder slammed his hands down on the counter, closing his eyes.  He'd simply believed Alex.  Why?  Was Alex that good at persuasion?  Were his arguments that cogent, that convincing?  Were his claims of 'wanting to believe' that much more compelling than Scully's claims that she 'wasn't part of any agenda'?

Mulder sighed, sagging and hanging his head.  No.  That wasn't it.  It was simple, the same thing it always was.  The thing that his friend who'd given him the poster had seen in him from the beginning.

He simply *wanted* to believe.

He wanted so, so badly for Alex to be on the level.  He wanted so much to just give Alex his trust, his partnership, his...friendship.  He wanted to let down all the walls around Alex, for reasons he couldn't even figure out himself.  And the fact that he couldn't...the fact that Alex couldn't be trusted...the fact that Mulder had to be doubly careful around him...made Mulder want to beat the ever-loving shit out of him.  Hurt him, badly, over and over and over.  Maybe even kill him.

It really had little or nothing to do with Mulder's father.  It was the fact that Krycek could do something so horrible to him that hurt so badly.

Then Mulder's breath caught as he remembered.  The choice Alex had been forced to make.  The choice between Mulder and Mulder's father.  The way he'd gasped, holding the picture.

*But...Mulder...*

And the devastated look on his face as he had left to complete the assignment.

He hadn't wanted to hurt Mulder.  It wasn't done happily or spitefully, or even neutrally.  It had hurt Alex to have to hurt Mulder like that.

God, no, don't start thinking it's justifiable to trust him!  When he hurts you again, it'll just hurt ten times worse!

"Fuck!" he hissed, snapping his head up to look at himself in the mirror.  "You don't deserve my trust!" he grated out.  "You don't deserve for me to like you, you lying, traitorous, fucking little..."  He closed his eyes and dropped his head, embarassed by his own ugly, furious scowl.  He breathed deeply, clenching his jaw, swallowing back the urge to slam his fist into the mirror in lieu of slamming it into Krycek.  Then he suddenly pushed back from the counter and banged open the bathroom door, stalking over to stand next to Krycek's bed.

Krycek sat bolt upright, eyes darting around the room, hands clenched into fists.

"What happened to you at Quantico?" Mulder barked.  "After the fight with Andrew and Kim in the hallway?  What did they do to you for that?"

Alex's eyes went completely round and his mouth dropped open.  Mulder watched his skin pale visibly right before his eyes.

"Well?" he snarled.

"Huh-how...how did you..."

"Never mind that!  Just tell me what happened, Krycek!"  Mulder's own hands were fisted tightly at his sides.  He saw Krycek glance at them and then close his mouth, licking his lips rapidly and swallowing.

"I...I...got suspended...and...they were talking about kicking me out...wasn't the first time I'd gotten into trouble...but then...I...I...I got this call...and they told me the whole matter had been dropped."  He stopped, exhaling tremulously and swallowing.

Mulder just stared at him, waiting for the rest of the story.

"It was him," Krycek husked, his eyes settling back into the distant, intense expression Mulder was more familiar with.  "He set up a meeting.  Asked me if I still wanted to be an agent with the FBI."  Krycek's voice fell into a whisper.  "I said yes."

Mulder's whole body deflated on a sigh and he closed his eyes, sagging.  Then he swallowed and opened his eyes, leveling them on Krycek, who was blinking but still meeting his eyes.

"Was Andrew right?" Mulder asked quietly.

"Wha..." Krycek breathed.

"Was he right?" Mulder said more firmly.  "Did you..."  Mulder firmed his lips.  Did you really want me, Alex?  Did you really adore me as much as you appeared to?

Krycek's jaw clenched, and his gaze dropped to Mulder's chest.  Then his eyes closed and his chin dropped to his chest with a shaky exhale.  His voice was almost inaudible, thick and low.  "Does it matter?"

And Mulder remembered what the ghosts had said about intention.  And he realized it did matter.  It made all the difference in the world, because his anger at Alex, his need to hurt him, was based on his own frustration at his desire to trust Alex.  To allow himself to like him.  And if Alex had feelings for him, if there was something real there, even under the criminal behavior and appallingly bad choices...

Then Mulder could stop hating himself.

"Yeah," he said quietly, dropping his own gaze to the floor.

"Really?" came Alex's voice, soft and trembling.

Mulder looked up and found Alex staring at him.  "Yes, Alex," he answered.  "It matters."

Alex swallowed.  "I...didn't think...I mean, I'm me and you're you and...Mulder, I..."  He licked his lips, eyes darting from Mulder's eyes to his chest and back frantically.

Mulder waited, his heart pounding.  He needed to hear it out loud before he could take that final leap.

"I'm so in love with you it hurts me," Alex breathed, closing his eyes.

Mulder gasped.

Love?

In love?

He wasn't sure he could remain standing.  He certainly couldn't close his mouth.  He blinked and staggered backward, falling back onto his bed and sitting with a forced exhale.  Then he finally closed his mouth and raised his hand to it, staring at the floor between the two beds.

This he hadn't expected.  This he hadn't been ready for.  Lust, yes.  Admiration even.  Maybe something as far as Krycek really caring about Mulder, liking him.

But love?

Then he remembered his father's words to him on Christmas Eve.  His father!  The one Krycek had killed!

*Men are not meant to go through life without the love of their fellow men.*

Oh my God!  Had he...known, somehow?  Had they all known?  Is that why...?  Suddenly Mulder's whole body was wracked by shivers.  Of course they'd known.  They were spirits, for God's sake.  They knew everything.  And they'd made a very dramatic effort to let Mulder in on their little secret.

So that Mulder could save the life of the man who was in love with him.

So Mulder could save the life of the man he...God, could that word really be used to define Mulder's insane feelings for Krycek?  The desperate desire to trust him?  The unceasing need to touch him?  The almost instant intimacy?  The way no one ever made Mulder feel as comfortable with himself?  The way Mulder could never, ever stop thinking about him, reacting to him...wanting him?

Oh God.

Mulder rubbed his hand up over his face and through his hair, closing his eyes.

Why?!  Why Krycek, for God's sake?  Why a man and why *him*?  Of all the people walking this earth, why did Mulder have to fall so ridiculously, dangerously in love with this pretty little, fucked up, double-crossing punk?

Then he laughed.  A sound that frightened even him in its edgy hysteria.  Because who was a better fit for Mulder, really?  An antisocial, atypical, obsessive, single-minded, thrill-seeking, risk-taking, authority-bucking misfit who believes in aliens and werewolves and vampires and possibilities and probabilities so extreme they don't even make it into the best of the current science fiction?  Someone whose whole life falls into the 'You don't seriously expect me to believe that!' category of most people's ideas of reality?

Who better to love him than a violent, impulsive, fucked-up, atypical, risk-taking believer who lives only in the shadows, works for men the rest of the world don't even know exist, and who is willing to kill to keep him alive?

He opened his eyes and looked up to find Krycek staring at him.  He looked terrified, pale and trembling, eyes shiny and round.

Mulder smiled.  Krycek frowned.

Mulder got up from the bed slowly, and Krycek flinched badly, whole body tense, hands pressed against the bed, ready to propel him out the other side.  Mulder took the two steps to bring him right up against Krycek's bed.  He started to lift his hand slowly, and Krycek jerked back again.  Mulder's hand was shaking badly, but he kept it as steady as possible as he reached for Krycek, sliding his hand into the messy, spiky hair he had shampooed, then leaning in to press his lips to the ones parted in shock below him.

Krycek choked out a sob against Mulder's mouth, and Mulder tightened his hand in the silky hair, pressing Krycek's face in more firmly, pushing his tongue between the unresisting lips with a growling sigh.

Ohhhhhh yes.  *This* was right.

He groaned and climbed on top of the other man, pushing his tongue as deeply into the whimpering mouth as possible, pressing him down against the pillows and pushing the sheets and blankets down his body.

Krycek cried out into Mulder's mouth, and Mulder felt Krycek's hands land on his body, the bandages slightly scratchy as they slid and stroked, starting to grab, then releasing again as the pain of his damaged fingertips reminded him to be careful.

Mulder groaned into the kiss as Krycek's tongue started moving urgently against his, not pushing its way into Mulder's mouth, but sliding against his own tongue, caressing it firmly.  Mulder moved his hand down Krycek's body, sliding it under the waistband of the underwear he'd loaned the other man, encountering rigid, weeping, hot cockflesh and taking a firm grip.

Krycek sobbed again, arching his body into Mulder's grasp, and when Mulder began to move his hand up and down, he felt the shaft in his hand swell and pulse, his mouth filled with Krycek's sobbing cries as hot cum spurted out over his hand, drooling down his knuckles.

He broke his mouth away from Krycek's, made breathless at making Krycek come so easily, made desperate by the continuing soft sounds coming from Krycek's throat as his cock still throbbed out the last of its climax in Mulder's fist.

"Oh God...Alex..." he breathed.  Krycek just gasped against him, shaking violently, eyes closed.  Mulder took his hand away from Krycek's spent cock, using it to brace himself as he slid his other hand out of Krycek's hair and down to grab his hand.  He shoved it down his own pants and immediately thrust against it, his eyes falling shut as he felt Krycek's hot hand close around him, the bandages adding a little extra, shocking, but not-unpleasant friction.

Krycek lifted his head, seeking out Mulder's mouth again, this time tongue-fucking Mulder deeply while working his hand on Mulder's dick.  Mulder moved against him frantically, sliding his hand down under Krycek's back and bracing himself against Krycek's body.

"Oh...Oh God..." he groaned, breaking from the kiss to gasp for air, moving faster as he felt his whole body start to tingle as if he were hooked up to a low volt current.  "OhhhhhgaawwwdAlex!"  His whole body jerked as the orgasm hit, driving his hips to slam against Alex, tears squeezing out of his eyes as he ground himself against the still-moving hand.  He felt it gently milk him of every last shudder and spasm and pulse.  He was still throbbing gently as he collapsed on top of Alex's body, no longer able to hold any muscle in his body tense.

"Oh God," he breathed, his face pressed in against Alex's neck, tasting the salt of his sweat as his lips moved.  "Oh God."

Krycek's arms came up around him and tightened, and as Mulder caught his breath, moving his lips sluggishly against Krycek's neck, he felt Krycek's trembling body slowly relax under him, though the hold on him never lessened.  He realized after a few amazing moments of this that Alex was probably having trouble breathing with Mulder's totally blissed out dead weight collapsed on top of him.

He started to lift himself off, but Alex's arms tightened, a small sound of protest coming from his throat.  He settled back in, moving his hips around, causing lovely grunts as he slid his body to the side enough to allow Alex to breathe.  This also allowed him to put his hand on Alex's side, sliding the other, rather cum-sticky one up under the pillow so as not to smear it through Alex's hair.  Mulder smiled against Alex's shoulder at the thought.  He'd have to shampoo him again.  He sighed and felt Alex shift underneath him, then place one hand at Mulder's neck, the other at the small of his back.

"Can you sleep like this?" he murmured without opening his eyes.

"Yeah, Mulder," came Alex's tight, whispered reply.

"Good, cuz I'm done for," Mulder said, his lips distorting his words where they were mashed against Alex's shoulder.  "'Nite."  He felt Alex's body rise and fall beneath his on a deep inhale and exhale.

"G'nite, Mulder," came the soft reply, then Mulder knew nothing more than the deep, soft, welcoming peace of well-earned sleep.

...

Mulder's mattress shifted under him.  Jostling him.  First gently, then more insistently.

"Mmm."

"Mulder?"

"Mmm."

"Mulder, I'm sorry..."  His mattress shifted some more, trying to slide out from under him.  Mulder hooked his leg over more securely, licking the drool off his lips.

"Mulder, I'm sorry," Alex tried again, and Mulder felt the hands which had been wrapped securely around him, holding in place, begin to push him away.  "I've been drinking a lot and I really, really, really have to go pee."

"Mmm," Mulder grunted again, but this time it was a grunt of dawning comprehension, and he yawned and let Alex slither out from under him.  He blinked, watching the mute television light illuminate Alex's body as he walked to the bathroom.  Mulder came more fully awake at the sound of the closing door.  He shifted around on the bed, then pushed himself up to sit on the edge of it.

Okay then.  Wow.  That was...really, really...interesting.  It was, by far, the most intense handjob he'd ever received, not to mention the most intense response he'd ever gotten to his own.  He smiled.  Then he realized that in a few minutes, Krycek was going to come walking out of that bathroom and would want to get back into bed.  Mulder felt his throat close in panic.  Should he climb into his own bed now and finish the night there?  Should he lay down and pretend he'd never really woken up?  Now that the post-sex lethargy wasn't dulling his mind and body, he couldn't imagine just cuddling up to Krycek and going back to sleep.  No way.  He wasn't even sure he was comfortable with the idea of touching him.  Or...God, seeing him, even!

He heard the water turn on and stood up, feeling his heart pound in his throat.  He quickly climbed into his own bed, pulling the covers up and turning away from Krycek's bed, facing the wall that led into the bathroom.  He closed his eyes and pretended to sleep.

He heard the water shut off, then the door opened and the light clicked off.  He felt Krycek stop outside of the bathroom door, and could definitely feel the weight of Krycek's gaze on him, huddled under the covers.  He heard a soft, slow inhale and exhale, then felt Krycek silently continue his progress over to his own bed.  He listened to the soft sounds of Krycek getting under the sheets and blankets and wondered if Krycek was facing him or facing away.  He wanted very badly to turn over and check, but remained completely still, feeling his heart beat in every breath.

He waited for what he thought must be about fifteen minutes, then casually turned over, keeping his eyes closed, still feigning sleep.  After a few more moments, he slitted one eye barely open, peering through his lashes.  His breath caught, his heart speeding up double time.  Krycek was lying on his side, gazing over at Mulder.  The intensity in his eyes almost didn't let Mulder breathe again, but he forced breath back into his lungs, trying to make it sound like a mid-sleep sigh.  Suddenly he wished he'd stayed in the other bed.  Just seeing Krycek...Alex again brought back that ever-present need to touch him.  How could he have thought he didn't want to?

Mulder sighed again, knowing now that he would get no more sleep in his own bed than he'd thought he could get in Alex's, and knowing pretty clearly which one he'd rather be in.  After an interminable amount of time facing Krycek, he finally turned over again, feeling his body very slowly start to relax again as he opened his eyes and stared at the wall.  He waited for dawn to come, never hearing the sound of Krycek turning over.  He vowed that the next time he ended up in bed with Krycek, he was going to stay there.

Finally, the room began to brighten due to the small crack in the heavy curtains over the huge picture window that made up the far wall of the room.  Mulder yawned and stretched and prepared to pretend that he was waking up after a good sleep.  As he turned over, he glanced at Alex and saw that indeed he was still facing Mulder's bed, but he had evidently fallen back to sleep sometime in the last few hours, because he was blearily opening his eyes and yawning.  That or he was as good at faking as Mulder.  Mulder looked away quickly, realizing that after what had happened between them, after what Alex had said, he could barely tolerate looking at the other man.  It caused an almost physical pain in his heart, and a little, strange feeling of panic.

Mulder covered it, scratching surreptitiously at the dried semen on his belly and heading for the bathroom.  When he got behind the closed door, he let out a long sigh, finally feeling his body relax for the first time in hours.

Now what?

Mulder reviewed the facts as he knew them.

Alex Krycek loved him.  He loved Alex Krycek.  Sex with Alex Krycek was really, really good.  He wanted more.  He was pretty sure Alex did, too.  He couldn't be around Alex without wanting to touch him.  Couldn't even really look at the other man without feeling his heart speed up.  Alex was feeling better now, probably well enough to go home.  Mulder didn't want him to.

Mulder inhaled deeply and let it out slowly.

He wasn't ready to tell Alex how he felt about him.  Not yet.  He had obviously made his lust apparent, but Alex so far had no idea that Mulder even liked him, let alone...inexplicably loved him.

Mulder couldn't remember ever telling another person he loved them.  It certainly wasn't something he'd said to Phoebe, and his other serious girlfriend, Diana, had been content with simply knowing that Mulder loved her, without actually having to hear it.  Ever.  Mulder couldn't even imagine his lips shaping those words.

Then he laughed softly to himself again, realizing he sure as *hell* wouldn't have imagined Alex's lips saying them, either, and *definitely* not to him.

*I'm so in love with you it hurts me.*

Just replaying Alex's soft, trembling voice saying those words made Mulder's breath leave his lungs again, his belly filling with a light, fluttery feeling, his knees weakening.

Oh God, just put me in a damned Harlequin, why don't ya? he thought to himself, closing his eyes.  But really, how could a person not react to those words, no matter who said them?  And when that someone was the very one who already made your whole body freak out anyway...

Mulder had it bad.

He swallowed hard and took off his clothes, heading for the shower.

As he scrubbed the evidence and the smell of Alex from his body, he told himself that he would have to play this cool.  He would have to learn more about Alex, find out what his future plans were, before he would even *think* about letting Alex know that this was more than just sex for him.  No way was he making himself that vulnerable.  Never mind that Alex had laid himself out for Mulder.  He owes me that anyway, Mulder told himself.  Letting Alex sweat it a little would even the score a bit more.

Which would allow Mulder to let himself feel what he was feeling for Alex a little bit more.  And that was a good thing.  And if, during the 'getting to know you' phase, he learned things about Alex that made him feel differently, Alex never had to know that Mulder had been considering falling in love with him.  They would just go their separate ways, and Mulder would have to get over Alex, and Alex would have to get over Mulder.

Yeah, he scoffed at himself.  Just like you got over him the last time he fucked you over.  Or the time before that.  Or the time before that.

Mulder swallowed back the swelling fear.  It didn't matter.  The only way to go now was forward.  Hoping against hope that Alex didn't say or do something that made Mulder hate himself too much to let Alex stay.

He finished cleaning up, shaving and brushing his teeth, then realized his underwear was nothing even close to clean.  There were even a few spots of dried cum on the bottom of his T-shirt and the waistband of his sweats.  But he hadn't brought any other clothes in with him.  He slipped back into the sweats, picking up the shirt and underwear, and stepped out of the bathroom.

Alex was sitting on the edge of his bed, sipping a warm 7-Up from the can.  Mulder tried not to notice that Alex's shirt was worse than his, quite noticeably smeared with semen.  He couldn't tell how bad the underwear was as the bottom of the T-shirt just covered it.  He looked guiltily away from where he'd been looking at Krycek's crotch and headed for his bag.  He pulled out two more T-shirts and his only pair of jeans.  God, he'd have to give him another pair of his shorts, too.  This was really weird.

"Here," he said, tossing the shirt and blue boxer-briefs on Alex's bed without looking at him.  "I don't have any pants for you, but your laundry should be back today."

"Thanks," said Alex quietly.  He picked up the clothes and headed toward the bathroom.

"Um, I'm gonna order room service while you're in there," said Mulder.  "What do you want?"

"Everything," Alex sighed.

Mulder found himself smiling.  And liking it.  "Gotcha.  Okay, then.  One of everything on the menu."

Alex looked up and smiled back, and Mulder's lungs drew in a gulp of air.  "Thanks," Alex said again, then he ducked his head in that way that made Mulder wanna grab him by the hair and kiss him, and went into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind him.

Mulder let out all his breath.  God, it really was actually harder to breathe when the other man was in the room with him.  On top of that, he was half-hard just from that glance at Alex's crotch, the stolen look at those long, hard thighs spread casually as he sat on the bed.  He really hoped the laundry service would get here with Krycek's clothes soon.  He couldn't imagine spending any more time with an almost-naked Alex lounging around in bed eating one of everything on the menu.

Eating.  Right.  Room service.  Mulder picked up the phone and dialed, literally ordering one of everything on the breakfast menu, except the juices, which he ordered several of, in bottles.  He changed into clean underwear and jeans, trading in his stained T-shirt for a clean one, probably his last, feeling much more himself once he didn't have his or Krycek's cum on him anymore.  Before Krycek came out of the bathroom, he heard a knock on the door and was inordinately pleased to see Krycek's laundry, fresh and clean and wrapped in plastic.  He tipped the concierge and brought the clothes inside, laying them on Alex's bed.  There, that almost made things normal again.

He laughed softly.  Normal.  That was exactly what he'd call this situation.  He was still smiling when Alex came out of the bathroom, toweling his wet head dry, clad only in Mulder's underwear and clean shirt.

"Why didn't you tell me my head looked like it'd been flushed down the toilet," said Alex, laying the towel aside and finger-combing his hair.

Mulder smirked, unable to look at Alex except out of the corner of his eye.  "Maybe I like that look," he said dryly.  "Hey, your clothes came.  They're on your bed."  He busied himself with shoving the new dirty laundry into bags.  After a minute, he heard a deep sigh and looked over to see Alex holding the shirt up in one hand, jeans in the other, just staring at them.  "What?" Mulder asked.  "Did they lose a button?  I hate that."

Alex didn't smile.  "I told myself I was going to burn these clothes if I ever got out," he said in a low, hushed voice, still just holding the clothes in front of him.

Mulder swallowed.  Not *when* he got out.  If.  And how long had Alex been wearing those?  Since Hong Kong, which was...nine days, by Mulder's reckoning.  And they hadn't exactly looked fresh at the airport, either.  God, he'd wanna burn 'em too.

"Well," Mulder said, clearing his throat when it came out raspy.  "You can wear my T-shirt, since you've already got it on anyway.  And I guess you can put these sweats on until we can get you some jeans.  They're not exactly clean, but..."  He couldn't bring himself to say that he'd only come a little bit on the waistband.  He pulled the sweats out of the bag and held them out.

Alex just stood there for another minute, then closed his eyes and swallowed, letting out a weak breath.  Mulder watched the muscles in his jaw clench, then Alex opened his eyes and looked up at him, and there was a faint sparkle there.  "Thank you," he whispered.  He dropped the black jeans and dark gray pullover shirt onto the bed and reached out a shaking hand to take the offered sweats.

"Hey, no problem," said Mulder, trying to sound light.  He stepped to Alex's side and picked up the rejected clothes.  "They probably would have burned better before we washed 'em, though," he said with a smile.

"Yeah," Alex replied dully.  "With all that oil."  He slowly stepped into Mulder's sweats, catching himself against the bed as he swayed a little.

Mulder stepped in and put out his hand to catch him.  "You okay?" he asked, feeling his body heat up just being this close to Alex.

"Yeah," Alex answered, pulling the sweats into place and then lowering himself onto the bed with Mulder's help.  "Just...weaker than I realized.  Balance isn't real good yet."

"You need some food in you," Mulder said, stepping back and taking his hands off Alex even though he didn't really want to.  "Should be here in a few minutes."

Alex nodded, still trembling slightly, and Mulder went over to the counter.  "Here, I got you some vitamins," he said, pulling the bottle out and opening it so that Alex wouldn't have to mess with it with his injured fingers.  He turned around, holding it out.

"Jesus," Alex breathed, raising a hand to his mouth in a fist.  He closed his eyes and breathed against it.

"They're just vitamins," Mulder mumbled, feeling his face flush.  He quickly set them on Alex's bedside table and went over to the coffee maker, making himself a cup of instant coffee.  He considered asking Alex if he wanted some, too, but didn't want to deal with another emotional moment like the last.

He could understand Alex being shocked at receiving kindness from him, but that didn't make it easier for him to handle.  It actually made him feel like somewhat of a dick.  It was natural for Alex to expect nothing but cruelty from Mulder, after all.  Human kindness was unheard of.  Shocking.  Mulder stirred some powdered creamer into his coffee and sighed.  He was again relieved beyond measure at a knock on the door, and gratefully headed over to open it.

The server wheeled in a cart absolutely laden with food, and Mulder's stomach growled, his mouth watering as the smell filled the room.

"Oh God," Alex groaned, as the server placed plates, napkins, flatware, and a vase with a rosebud in the center of the room's table.

Mulder couldn't agree more.  He went to his wallet and pulled out some cash, tipping the server generously and closing the door on him with a hungry moan.  "Ohhh yeah," he said, heading over and taking his seat at the table, looking up briefly as Alex took his.  They both reached for covered dishes on the cart, moaning and sighing at the sight of the steaming hot breakfast foods.

"Oh God," Alex said again, this time through a mouthful of biscuits and gravy.

Mulder smiled and dug into his ham and cheese omelette, almost light-headed with the pleasure of seeing Alex so happy with his food.  They spent the next twenty minutes working their way through the cart of food, and finally Mulder sat back in his chair and belched, patting his bloated stomach and smiling.

"Yeah," Alex said, shoving a last big, dripping bite of French toast into his mouth, licking the powdered sugar from his lips and then dropping his fork with a sigh.  "I'm probably going to puke it all up but damn, it'll be worth it."

Mulder laughed.  "Well, we've still got half the cartful left, so you can just start over again after."

Alex laughed in response, and Mulder swallowed, his smile fading.  He hadn't heard Alex laugh in years.  Hadn't remembered what it sounded like.  He had a rather immature laugh, really.  Boyish and unreserved, a little hyper.  It didn't fit Mulder's vision of him at all.  He wondered if it was a trace of what Alex had been before his life had taken all its recent dark turns.  Starting with the big one at Quantico.

Mulder frowned.  Alex had been approached by the smoking man after getting into trouble over Mulder.  God, the thought of it.  What if he hadn't stood up for Mulder?  Would he have avoided the Consortium's snare?  Would he just be a regular, straight...well, legitimate FBI agent today?  But then, Alex *had* said it wasn't the first time he'd gotten into trouble.  So maybe it would have happened, anyway.  Maybe it was just chance that had made Mulder the deciding factor.

"So, Alex, where did you go to college?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

Alex's lingering smile faded and he played with the cotton of the sweats on his thigh.  "UCLA," he finally said without looking up.

"California, huh?" Mulder said, trying to keep his tone light, as if they were just two ordinary guys getting to know one another.  "What was your major?"

Alex looked up, his face serious, eyes sad.  "Information Systems," he said.  "Minor in Criminal Justice."

Mulder nodded, for a moment wondering if Alex was lying, then deciding that for whatever reason, his intuition was telling him that Alex was giving him the truth.  "Information Systems," he said.  "What is that, exactly?"

Alex licked his lips but didn't look away.  "Computers," he said roughly.  "Telecommunications, satellite technology, fiber optics, that kind of thing."

"Spy technology, you mean," said Mulder, taking a drink of his cooling coffee.

"Yeah," Alex answered, taking a drink of his own.

"You any good?" Mulder asked, already knowing what the answer must be, but figuring it was a good way to ease into what he really wanted to know.

"Yeah," said Alex again, shortly.

"They wouldn't have approached you otherwise, I suppose," said Mulder, pouring himself another cup.  It was the good stuff, not the instant.

"No, I guess not," said Alex.

"You said you got into trouble at Quantico," said Mulder, finally getting to the real issue.  "What kind of trouble?"

Alex sighed, looking away and then back.  "I had a temper," he said.  "And a smart mouth."

Mulder smirked.

The tension in Alex relaxed just a little and he smiled faintly too.  "I got in a few fights, a couple of them physical, mostly just verbal.  And mostly with students, although some were with teachers."

"You fought with Quantico instructors?" said Mulder, brows arched.

"Not physically," Alex clarified quickly.  "Those were all with students.  But yeah, I went a few verbal rounds with a couple of the profs there."  Alex smirked, ducking his head.

"Which ones?" asked Mulder, intrigued.  He'd been known to argue quite vehemently with many of them himself, though he'd never gotten into anything resembling a physical altercation with anyone.

"Dr. Jurden, for one," said Alex.  "I swear the only thing he hated more than the students was the other teachers."

"Oh God, yeah," said Mulder, nodding.  "I don't know why they ever let him teach.  He was obviously born to live in a lab."

"Totally," agreed Alex.  "One several stories down, keeping humanity safe from him."  His smile faded for a minute.

"Did you ever see that picture of him holding his only child minutes after it was born?" asked Mulder, trying to shake Alex out of the funk he'd started to sink into.  "In his office?  Or was that still hanging there when you were there?"

Alex smiled again.  "Yeah, it was still there.  Here he is, holding this brand new baby, and his face is so serious you'd think someone was shoving lit matchsticks under his toenails."

Mulder laughed.  "He must have been a real joy to be married to, huh?"

"I can't imagine the woman who would put up with him," Alex said, nodding.

"I get the chills just *thinking* about someone sleeping with him," replied Mulder, shuddering for impact.

"God, yeah," said Alex.  "He'd probably be giving her all these orders, snapping at her when she got it wrong.  'No, I said suck *then* lick, young lady!  What is your problem?'"

Mulder laughed hard, shaking his head, and Alex laughed along with him, his mood most definitely light again.  Mulder had never gotten along with Dr. Jurden, either, and had gotten into several nasty arguments with him when he'd been a student, fed up with Dr. Jurden's constant, tactless, unfair criticism and endless pedantic lectures.

Plus, hearing Alex talk about sucking and licking was definitely cheering Mulder up.

They were quiet a moment or two then Mulder asked, "So when exactly were you at Quantico, anyway?"  He knew what Alex's record had said, but he didn't know how accurate it was.  He felt like he would get the truth from Alex.

Alex licked his lips.  "I graduated the year I was assigned to be your partner.  I'd only been in the Bureau four months."

"That's what it said on your record," said Mulder, giving him a measuring look.

"It was the truth," said Alex.  "Everything in it was the truth.  It was what they left out that would have gotten me fired.  The fact that I'd almost been kicked out of the Academy."

"So you really are..." Mulder thought back.  "Oh my God...twenty-four years old?" he said, voice rising incredulously as he said it.

Alex smiled, ducking his head.  "Yeah, that's right," he said, nodding.

"Eleven years younger..." Mulder breathed.  "Jesus."  He'd been beating up a kid.  And he'd had sex with one.  And he was in love with one.  "Oh God."

"Hey, I'm legal," said Alex softly, smirking at Mulder from under his lashes.

"Barely," Mulder choked, feeling himself blush.

"I'm no kid, Mulder," said Alex, sobering.  Then he smiled again.  "And you're not exactly an old man."

Mulder sighed, both disturbed and aroused at the thought of being with someone so much younger than himself.

"So..." he said, trying to change the subject.  "Where did you grow up?"

Alex's smile faded and his eyes became distant and cold.  He looked away, breathing carefully.  "My mom thinks I'm still an FBI agent," Alex said, staring at the curtained window.

"I'm not trying to get your family into trouble, Alex," said Mulder quietly.  "I just want to know you better."  He waited a moment, then added, "You can ask me stuff, too, if you want."

Alex's eyes came back to Mulder's, warm again.  "Really?" he said, sounding skeptical.  "Anything?"  He tilted his head in that endearing way that *also* made Mulder want to grab him by the hair and kiss him.

"Sure," said Mulder, not figuring he had anything to hide.  "It's only fair."

Alex seemed to consider for half a minute, then nodded, firming his lips.  "Okay," he said.  "I grew up in San Diego, mostly."

Mulder just looked at him.

"My father was Navy," Alex said, shrugging as if he was cold.  "He was killed in Viet Nam.  1974.  I was three years old.  I never knew him."

"So you grew up on the base in Miramar?" Mulder offered.

"No, he never married my mother.  We didn't live on the base."

Mulder nodded.  That would also mean no death benefits for his widow and young son.

"My mom was only seventeen when she got pregnant with me.  She couldn't handle me alone, so I grew up with different people."  Alex shrugged again.

Mulder nodded.  He wanted to know everything.  What people Alex grew up with.  What he was like as a teenager.  Who his friends were.

"So who was your first..."  Mulder was going to say girlfriend, just because it was the only way he'd ever asked this question of another man, then reconsidered, taking what he knew so far about Alex into account.  "...kiss?" he finished, smiling.

Alex smiled back knowingly.  "It wasn't a girl, Mulder," he said, lowering his head and looking up at him from under his lashes.  Another thing that made Mulder want to grab his hair and...

"Who was it?" Mulder asked.

"I assume you want the first *real* kiss, right?" Alex asked, arching his brows.  "I mean, I got plenty of kisses from girls while I was growing up, but you're not asking about those, are you."

"I'll bet you did," Mulder said, avoiding the question for a moment.  "Those little girls probably couldn't keep their hands off you."

Alex smiled and ducked his head.  He looked back up at Mulder and shrugged, not denying it.

"Yeah, I want to hear about the first *real* kiss, Alex.  The one that meant something."

Alex's lashes fluttered at that, his expression turning serious, and very intense.  He looked down at his hands, once again playing with the cotton of Mulder's sweatpants nervously.

"Um, my first real kiss was in college," he said.  "With the guy that lived in the dorm room next to mine.  His name was Chris."

Mulder smiled.  "What did he look like?  How did it happen?"  He bit his lip.

Alex looked up, the smile coming back to his face.  "He was blonde, tall and strong.  He grew up on a farm, so he was built."

Mulder waited.

"He was really good-looking, and always getting into all kinds of trouble, so we hit it off pretty quickly."  Alex ducked his head then looked up at Mulder from under his lashes again.  "He always had some girl hanging on him, so I never thought for a second I had a chance."

"But you wanted him," said Mulder, raising his chin a little.

"Of course I wanted him," said Alex, grinning.  "You should have seen his ass, Mulder."

Mulder quirked an eyebrow.  He doubted it would have affected him quite the way it obviously did Alex.  He wasn't gay, after all.  Just in love with another man.

"We went to this kegger," Alex went on, smiling as he remembered it, letting his eyes go out of focus.  "We were both totally shitfaced, and we stumbled off together into the woods to take a piss."

"Ah...romance," said Mulder, smirking.

"It is if you're a horny gay guy alone with a gorgeous straight guy," said Alex, smirking back.

"So, wait," said Mulder, interrupting the story just when it was getting good, but unable to control himself.  "You said he always had some girl hanging off him.  Did you have girlfriends, too?"

Alex laughed softly.  "Yeah, I had my beards, Mulder.  Otherwise I never would have been able to hang out with those guys.  They'd have known instantly."

"Those poor girls," said Mulder, shaking his head.  "Thinking you were interested in them.  All the while you're trying to get with the same guys they are."

Alex laughed again.  "It's part of the game," he said, shrugging.

Mulder just nodded, truly feeling a pang of empathy for those girls, mistakenly believing Alex was interested in them.  And then he realized he was operating out of his own old mistaken belief that Alex *hadn't* been interested in *him*.  He smiled.  "Okay, so how did you end up kissing this Chris?"

Alex smiled.  "We did more than kiss," he said, his voice dropping into a low, teasing octave.  "But we did that, too."

"Just tell me the story, Alex," said Mulder, feeling the first tiny pang of jealousy and being absolutely startled by it.

"Well, we staggered off into the trees and he was too loaded to care that I was standing next to him and I was *acting* like I was too loaded to care that he was standing next to me."

"Mmhmm," said Mulder, smirking.

"And I'm sneaking looks at his package as he puts it away, and he suddenly turns to me, practically falling against me and asks me if I've ever touched another guy's dick."

Mulder's lips parted, brows arching.

"Well, I wasn't sure what to say.  I hadn't, actually, but if he was offering, I didn't want to come off as some scared virgin.  Which I was," he added, smirking.  "But if he was straight and trying to call me out, I didn't want him to start beating the shit out of me, either!"

"You were a virgin in college?" Mulder asked, incredulous.

"Well, not technically," Alex said.  After a few minutes during which he let Mulder stew, he added, "I'd been with a few girls.  But I didn't really count it since it wasn't what I really wanted.  As far as having sex that was actually any good, yeah, I was as pure as the driven snow."

"Now *that* is hard to believe," Mulder said, narrowing his eyes playfully.

"It's true," he said.  "I hadn't done anything with guys except ogle them in the locker room and try to keep my hard-on from getting my ass kicked."

Mulder found his eyes flickering ever-so-briefly down to Alex's lap and then back up.  "Okay, so what happened in the woods?" he asked, hoping Alex hadn't noticed his wandering eyes.

"Well, I decided a little evasive maneuvering was in order.  I asked him if *he* had ever touched another guy's dick."

"Excellent strategy," said Mulder, nodding.

"I thought so," said Alex proudly.

"So what did he say?" asked Mulder, leaning forward a little.

"He said he could give me a handjob so good it would knock my feet out from under me," answered Alex, one corner of his mouth quirking up.  "Which actually wasn't that much of a claim, since I was barely staying on my feet at that point anyway, I was was so fucked up."

Mulder laughed, instantly wondering how Alex would rate the handjob Mulder had given him.

"So I looked him in the eye, swaying slightly, and said, all bravado, 'Prove it.'"

"And did he?" Mulder asked.  "Did he knock you off your feet?"  And did I?

"Right to my knees," Alex said, ducking his head again, smiling.  "Again, I didn't have that far to go when he started, but yeah, finally feeling another guy's hand on my dick was definitely enough to take my feet out from under me.  I was so dazed I almost forgot I should reciprocate."

Mulder swallowed, remembering how Alex had reciprocated for him.  He nodded, feeling his body get warm all over.

"But then he stepped over to help me up, laughing at me, and I figured what the hell, I'm already down on my knees..."

Mulder licked his lips.

"So I just unfastened his jeans and took him in my mouth.  I had *no* idea what I was doing, of course, but getting another guy's dick in my mouth was almost as good as getting his hand on my dick, so I just went at it with more enthusiasm than finesse, and pretty soon Chris's footing got pretty damned unstable, too."  Alex looked from under his lashes again, smiling smugly.

"I can imagine," said Mulder, his voice a bit breathier than he'd expected.  God, Alex on his knees, Alex's mouth on him...  He shifted in his chair, glad he was wearing jeans, which didn't show erections nearly as easily as sweat pants.  And he almost didn't restrain himself from checking out Alex to see how he was faring while he told this story.

"He fell to his knees in front of me," said Alex, his voice getting softer.  "And that's when he kissed me."

Mulder let out his breath slowly, unable to meet Alex's eyes, focusing on a point right around his Adam's apple.  Which reminded him of how Alex tasted there.  He licked his lips.

"So did you guys...start going out or whatever?" Mulder asked, not really knowing how gay relationships worked as a rule.

"Well, not really," said Alex.  "I mean, we were already buds, so we hung out, but we never dated."  He shrugged.  "We had sex a lot, and I lost my virginity to him in the backseat of his car, but it wasn't like a real relationship or anything."

"So you didn't love him," Mulder said quietly.

Alex looked at the table.  "No," he said softly.  "I never loved him."

Mulder's heart thudded against his ribs.  He didn't love him.  The beautiful man who had introduced Alex to the joy of man on man sex.

*I'm so in love with you it hurts me.*

Mulder was suddenly practically jumping out of his skin.  His foot was tapping on the floor, his tongue coming out to swipe over his lips over and over.

"What about you?" Alex asked, bringing Mulder out of what felt a lot like a really pleasant panic attack.

"What?" Mulder asked, swallowing.

"What about your first kiss?" Alex asked, his voice breathy and low.  "With a guy, I mean."

Mulder's mouth dropped open.  Oh.  He wanted to know...well, of course he did.  Why would he want to know about the girls?  Mulder swallowed painfully.  He'd never talked about his few homosexual experiences with anyone, including the men he'd had them with.  He'd never spoken of them at all.  It was almost as though Alex were asking him to make them much more real than he'd ever let himself believe they were.  His throat was so tight he wondered if he could speak.

"Um..." he said, and his voice came out a pathetic, trembling almost-croak.  He cleared his throat, scratching at the denim on his thigh with his thumbnail, watching the fabric get lighter, feeling it get warmer.  "Well, first of all, I should tell you that I'm not...gay," he said, feeling his face get hot.  He glanced up briefly to check Alex's reaction and found him riveted.  He looked back down at his thigh.  "I'd never had anything but heterosexual experiences all through high school and the first two years of college," he went on.  "Then in my third year, I started going to the really good parties."

He saw Alex nod out of the corner of his eye but didn't look up.

"I was twenty years old.  That means you were...shit, nine?" he squeaked, looking up, frowning.

"Let it go, Mulder," said Alex with a smile.

Mulder sighed.  "God, I feel like a dirty old man telling you this, knowing how young you were when it happened."

"I'm not that young anymore, Mulder, or that innocent."  Alex's smile faded.

Mulder nodded.  Alex Krycek, innocent?  Mulder shook his head, telling himself he really was being ridiculous.  Alex was no naive child.  Not anymore.

"Okay, well, anyway, one night I was at this big party, at some big house whose owners I didn't even know.  I got really drunk and was wandering around trying to find the bathroom.  I ran into this...guy...in the hall."

Mulder glanced up again, unable to hold the eye contact for more than a fraction of a second.  *He* was the one who felt like the blushing virgin now.  He fiddled with the remains of his breakfast in front of him.

"What did he look like?" Alex asked softly.

"Um...he was tall, like me," said Mulder.  "Thin, dressed all in tight black clothes, one of the artsy kids.  Black hair," he added, remembering the feel of it in his hands, sticky with gel or maybe mousse.  "Short and spiky," he added, shredding a napkin with great focus.

"Was he cute?" Alex asked.

"I guess so," Mulder answered.  "That...wasn't really why I did it, though," he went on.  "It was dark and I was really drunk..."  He swallowed.  "Anyway, I asked him if he knew where the bathroom was, and he said he'd help me find it.  Then he put his arm around my waist and led me through to the back of the house."

"Taking advantage of the straight guy in his weakened state," said Alex, smiling a little and nodding.

Mulder let out a soft, nervous laugh.  "Yeah, I guess," he said.  "So he led me to a bathroom and let go of me, and I went in and took a piss, and when I came out, he was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed.  He said, 'Why don't we go sit down somewhere?  You look a little flushed.'"

"Subtle," said Alex, smirking.

Mulder looked up, smiling.  "Guess I was pretty easy prey."

"Because you were drunk?"

"Because I let him put his arm around my waist," corrected Mulder.  "He figured he might be able to get even further with me.  And I guess he was right."

"Gutsy," said Alex.  "I'd never go that far."

Mulder remembered all the little touches he'd gotten from Alex as partners.  How he'd lay his fingers on Mulder's arm or his shoulder, or use an excuse to touch him to linger, not letting go.  A lot like Mulder had done to him.

"I noticed," said Mulder quietly.  "You're much more subtle."  He held his breath, feeling like he was taking a huge risk here for some reason.

Alex's mouth slowly stretched into a shy smile.  "I try," he said, then he bit his lip and looked down and then back up again.

Mulder inhaled and exhaled.  "So I went with him.  He took me into this dark room, and he didn't turn the lights on.  I would have fallen over the furniture if he hadn't had his hands on my waist again, guiding me."  Mulder remembered the feeling of the guy's hot hands on his waist, the totally *different* feeling he got when it was a man's hands rather than a woman's.  Disturbing, but exhilarating.  "He pushed me down into a velvet wingback chair and then knelt on the floor in front of me, pushing my legs apart."

"Didn't waste any time," said Alex huskily.

"He was probably afraid I'd sober up and deck him or something," Mulder smirked.

"Probably," said Alex softly.

"I just sat there, feeling the room spin slightly, while he undid my belt and my pants.  I'd had guys come onto me a few times before but I'd never done anything about it.  I always just smiled and told them I wasn't interested.  But I was always a little curious, you know?  Well, of course you know," he said, shaking his head.  "Anyway, it was like a dream.  It was too dark to see anything, but I knew it was a man.  And I was too drunk to put up much of a protest, but sober enough that I could have easily ended it if I'd wanted to.  I just...sat back and let it happen."

"What happened?" Alex asked, swallowing.

"He sucked me off," Mulder said.  "And it was different from the way it is with women.  More direct and confident.  And rougher.  And more effective.  It didn't take me long to come."

Alex inhaled and exhaled loudly.

"After I did, he tucked me back into my pants, zipped me up, leaned in and tongue-kissed me, then stood up and said, 'Thanks,' really softly."

Alex breathed again.  And kept breathing, loudly.

"He walked out and left me there, and after several minutes of just sitting there with my mind blown...no pun intended...I got up and went back to the party."

"Did you see him out there?" Alex asked, voice nearly lost in breath.

"I thought I might have.  I wasn't sure.  I hadn't really gotten a good look at him.  It was dark in the hallway.  I never spoke to him, and he never spoke to me, so it might not have even been him."

"So you never saw him again."

"No."

Alex inhaled and exhaled.

Mulder swallowed.

"I had no idea you were...approachable...back then," Alex said, staring down at his hand on his thigh.

"You know what's funny?  I didn't know you were," Mulder said, shaking his head.

"You...thought about it?" Alex asked, his brows arching as he looked up at Mulder, wide-eyed.

"Well, I assumed you had a girlfriend, yeah," said Mulder, shrugging.  "I figured you for the type that'd be still going out with his high school sweetheart."

"I didn't have a high school sweetheart," said Alex quietly.  "Just unrequited crushes.  So, why did you...figure me for that type?"

Mulder shrugged again, looking away.  "You just seemed like the long-term type.  Loyal."  Mulder clenched his jaw, feeling the old pain spike through him.  How he'd been duped so easily.

"I wouldn't know," Alex said softly.  Mulder looked up at the sadness and was that...fear in his voice.  "I've never been in a long-term relationship with anyone."

"And you haven't exactly proven yourself to be loyal," Mulder couldn't help but add, still staring at a spot on the wall.

"Mulder," Alex said, and the fear in his voice had been replaced with pain.  "I never had anyone to be loyal to."

"What about me?" Mulder asked impulsively.  "I was your partner, Alex!  Didn't I deserve your loyalty?"

"Mulder," Alex said, his voice thick.  "I didn't know I had a choice.  Everything was such a mess...I wasn't even supposed to be *in* the FBI!  I wasn't supposed to have even graduated the Academy!  How could I go against the man who'd created my life for me?  I couldn't very well be your partner if they took away my badge."

"God, you were just a kid," Mulder said.  "What they turned you into..."

"Wait," said Alex.  "I didn't go in spotless, Mulder.  I don't want you to think I was some misled innocent.  I'd been in legal trouble before, all through high school.  But in California, they seal juvenile records, so I was still able to get into the Academy.  Plus, my scores were really high and my grades were excellent, so a few indiscretions didn't stop them from seeing the potential."

"So you were an assassin in high school, eh?" Mulder said dryly.

"No," said Alex, swallowing.  "Cole was my first kill."

Mulder sighed.  "And the tram operator?"

"I knocked him out, but I didn't kill him.  Somebody cleaned up after me."  Alex raked his hand through his hair, looking down into his lap.

"Oh, nice way to refer to the end of a human life, Krycek," Mulder said.  "Just cleaning up a mess."

"I'm sorry," Alex replied quietly.  "That's the term they use.  I didn't kill him, Mulder."

"But you were responsible for his death," Mulder said, feeling his hands curl into fists.

"I suppose if you want to see it that way," said Alex, looking Mulder in the eye.  "Of course, it was all on *his* orders, so I'd say he bears at least a little bit of the blame, too."

"Yeah, you were just his obedient little tool," Mulder said, forgetting how young Krycek was, forgetting that Krycek was in love with him, and certainly forgetting that he'd realized he was in love with Krycek.

Alex said nothing, swallowing and dropping his eyes again.

"What about Duane Barry?" Mulder asked.

"I didn't kill him," Alex said, looking up again.  "The paramedics gave him something in his water.  I knew about it, though."

Mulder frowned, momentarily stunned by Alex's unasked-for admission of limited culpability.  Was he just trying to throw Mulder off with this false confession because he really *was* the one who killed Duane Barry?  Again, Mulder's intuition told him that Krycek was telling the truth.

"What about the tram?" Mulder asked, remembering that it had started up again when he'd climbed out onto the top.  Obviously Krycek had knocked the tram operator out so he could stop the tram.  Had he started it back up to try and throw Mulder off?  "Were you trying to kill me, too?"  He raised his chin, levelling his eyes at Krycek coolly.

"No," Alex whispered.  "God, no, Mulder.  I was afraid..."  He stopped, closing his eyes and opening them again.  "I was so afraid you were going to try and climb out on that cable.  I just knew you were going to fall.  I couldn't let that happen, but I didn't know what to do."  He cleared his throat to rid it of the hoarseness.  "So I started it back up again to bring you to the top, against orders.  When I saw you almost fall..."  His voice choked off and he closed his mouth, swallowing.  "I don't know what I would have done," he finished softly.  "Hell, they would have killed me if I'd killed you," he added.

Mulder narrowed his eyes, carefully considering what Krycek had said, not allowing personal feelings to come into his evaluation.  It made sense.  If Krycek, or the cigarette man for that matter, had wanted him dead, it would have been an easy matter to kill him.  So Krycek would not have been trying to kill him, just stall him.  To keep him from getting to Scully in time to save her.

"You helped them take her," he bit out, his jaw clenching with renewed anger.

"Yes," Alex rasped.

"What did they do to her, Krycek?" Mulder asked, trying to control the rage threatening to send him out of control.

"I don't know," Alex replied, his voice sounding much older than its twenty-four years.  "I didn't even know where they were taking her until you figured it out.  They didn't tell me anything."

"What *did* you know?" Mulder asked, choosing to believe Alex for the time being.

"They told me they had a solution to the Scully problem," Alex said, his voice low and emotionless.  "I didn't even know what it was until you reported her disappearance.  Then they called me and told me to keep them informed on your progress.  When you figured out where Barry was headed, I called and told Spender.  That's his name, the one you call cigarette man," he said.  "Anyway, he told me not to let you reach the top of the mountain."

Mulder inhaled and exhaled.  Again, it made sense.  Why would they let Krycek in on all their plans?  He'd be much more convincing if he could act surprised at her disappearance, and he'd be much less likely to let something slip if he didn't know too much.

"So you stopped the tram."

"Yeah," Alex nodded.

Mulder nodded in return, feeling his body relax just slightly.  "So why did you disappear?" he asked, feeling that old jolt of pain at finding the cigarette butts in Alex's car.

Alex took a deep breath in and let it out slowly.  He swallowed.  "I couldn't do it anymore," he said, his voice falling into that near-whisper again.  "I couldn't work so closely with you while all the time I was being forced to lie and do more and more horrible things to you."  He stopped, firming his lips.  "I was just supposed to report on you, that's all!" he said, his voice suddenly rising.  "That's all I agreed to do, just make reports on your fucking work!"  He punched his thigh and Mulder was shocked to see tears hanging in his lashes.

Mulder waited for Krycek to regain his composure, his heart pounding in his chest.  It all made such horrible, painful sense.  He wished he could turn back time and just grab Agent Krycek and tell him to get out now, while his hands were still relatively clean.  His own eyes burned with the knowledge of what could have been.  Where the hell were those ghosts then, huh?  Then he remembered.  The first ghost, the one who instigated the whole thing, was his father.  And he hadn't been a ghost back then.  He'd been a dirty, lying, corrupt man up to his eyeballs in what Alex had only dipped his toe into.  He might have even been privy to the plan to send Krycek in.  Hell, he might have been part of it.  One of Krycek's bosses.

God, this was too much.

"I had a meeting with Spender in my car," said Alex, pulling Mulder's attention back with the raspy sound of his voice.  "He left his cigarette butts in my ashtray," he said, his voice falling lower.  "Maybe he was testing me, seeing if I'd fuck up.  Maybe he was giving me a way to get myself thrown out of the FBI, I don't know.  I sat there, staring at those butts, feeling everything going so out of control, and I decided to just leave them there.  I didn't know when you'd find them, but I was pretty sure you would, eventually.  You always seem to find your way to the right clues sooner or later," he said, smiling just faintly.  "Sure enough, what do you do?  You ask me for my keys."

"And you gave them to me," said Mulder, his voice quiet.  "You implicated yourself to me."

Alex nodded.  "I went straight home and told them you were onto me, and I packed up my shit and got out of there."

"It was like a kick to the gut, finding those," Mulder said, almost as if he were talking to himself, staring into the distance, into the past.  "I couldn't believe how much it hurt."

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered.

"I know," Mulder found himself saying.  And he felt it was true.  Alex was sorry.  He'd had to do things he didn't want to do.  And then he'd blown his own cover so he wouldn't have to do them anymore.

"What happened after that, Alex?" he asked, hearing himself go back to using Alex's first name rather than the more impersonal 'Krycek' he'd fallen into while going through the hard parts of the story.  He wondered if he'd be using it again.  The hard parts weren't over yet.

"Well, my career in the Bureau was over, as was any career other than one manufactured by the man who held complete control over my records.  He pretty much owned me at that point.  So I just reported back to him for my next assignment."

"You only got to be an agent for seven months," Mulder said quietly, gazing at the tabletop.

Alex shrugged.  "I probably shouldn't have been one in the first place.  I was just fooling myself that I was anything but a criminal."

Mulder looked up at that.  "You were a good agent, Alex," he said.  "You're smart, talented..."  Mulder sighed.  "I really enjoyed working with you."

Alex frowned, licking and then biting his lip.  It made him look as young as Mulder knew he was.  "Mulder," he said, his voice thick.  Mulder watched a tiny tear trickle slowly down Alex's cheek as he spoke.  "Working with you was a dream come true."  He swallowed, and the first tear track was joined by a second on the other side.  "That was part of the reason I accepted his offer," he went on, sniffing quietly.  "He told me I'd be fastracked to working with you.  I couldn't say no to that, Mulder.  I knew it was my only chance.  Even if I didn't get kicked out of the Academy, and even if I *did* get to work at the Hoover, which was doubtful, there was no way a total greenhorn like me would ever get to come anywhere near a legend like you."  He ducked his head, wiping away the tears quickly, trying to hide the small motion.

Mulder raised his hand to his mouth.  God.  Just when he didn't think it could get any worse.  He'd essentially been the reason a young, potential FBI agent had sold his soul to that cigarette-smoking son of a bitch.  It made him sick.

"He knew," Mulder said, just realizing it as he said it.  "He knew how you felt about me."

Alex sniffed again and nodded, not looking up.

"He used me," Mulder said, anger swelling again, but not at Alex this time.  "He fucking used me!"  Suddenly it was all too clear, and Mulder wanted to vomit.  "God, what a monster!  He used your...admiration of me to get you to sell out to him, then he twisted things so that you'd have to hurt me over and over again!  He's more evil than I thought!  What, does he just get off on causing as much misery as he possibly can?  Jesus, he probably set you up that day in the hallway!" He shook his head at how crazy he sounded, but knew it was all too possible.  "He probably made sure that kid said those things about me in front of you!"

Alex gaped at him, and Mulder jumped out of his chair and began to pace.  "He took something sweet and pure and beautiful and turned it into a fucking weapon against me!"  He felt his own tears start to fall as his voice broke.  "He made sure it was you who killed my father!  That it was you sent to get the tape from Scully, from Skinner!  He could have sent anybody, but he sent *you*!  He made damned sure I'd hate you, Alex!  That there'd never be any chance that I'd know how you felt about me, and that there'd be no chance that I could ever love you back!"  He buried his face in hands and dissolved into tears, standing in the middle of the room.  He didn't hear Alex come up to him, only felt his hands come down gently on shoulders.

"I'll never hurt you again, Mulder," said Alex firmly, his own voice rough with emotion.  "I'll never let that fucking demon use me against you again.  God, I can't believe I didn't see it before now," he said, tightening his fingers on Mulder's shoulders, though Mulder knew it had to hurt his injured fingers.  "I'll fucking destroy him," he growled, his hands shaking where they gripped Mulder's shoulders.  "If it's the last fucking thing I do, Mulder, I'll fucking take him down and watch him burn."

Mulder took his hands from his face and wiped away his tears, looking up into Alex's enraged face, into eyes so intense they made Mulder's breath catch.  His voice was still rough from crying when he spoke.  "And I'll help you."

"I fucking love you, Mulder," Alex said.  "I'll fucking die for you if you want me to."  His eyes were shining again, his voice shaking as badly as his hands.  "Tell me to pick up that gun and blow my brains out and I will, Mulder.  Anything.  Anything, Mulder.  I'd do anything for you."

Mulder raised his hands to Alex's face, cradling it, and Alex exhaled sharply, closing his eyes.  Mulder used his thumbs to wipe away the tears on Alex's cheeks.  He felt his own tears welling again and blinked them back, swallowing.

"I don't want you to kill yourself, Alex," he said.  "I want you to save yourself.  So that I can know what it's like to love you."

Alex let out a sobbing gasp, but before he could do much more than that, Mulder pulled his face in and kissed him, hard.  He spoke against Alex's mouth between crushing kisses.

"I'm not going to let them take you away ever again, Alex."  Kiss.  "I'll never let them turn me against you again."  Kiss.  "I'll never let them use you again."  Kiss.  "You're mine now, and the fates are with us, Alex.  The spirit world wants us to be together.  You're mine."  He finally deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue into Alex's open, sobbing mouth and claiming him thoroughly.

He felt Alex start to sag and simply fell down with him, both of them falling clumsily to their knees, bumping their mouths painfully rather than break the kiss.  Mulder tasted blood but kept kissing Alex, holding him by the hair with one hand while he wrapped the other one behind him, sliding up under his T-shirt and raking his back with his nails.

"Wanna fuck you, Alex," he said, breaking away just long enough to say it, then kissing him roughly again.  Alex could only whimper into the kiss, not having the ability to get away from Mulder's mouth, but his hands went to work on Mulder's fly, clumsy but determined.  Mulder broke the kiss again, yanking down the sweats he'd let Alex borrow.  "Never wanted to fuck anybody this bad," he growled, shoving him backward, down on the floor.

Alex's mouth, now freed for the moment, gasped as Mulder ripped the sweats down his legs.  "Fuck me, Mulder!  God fuck me, God, Mulder!"  He got Mulder's pants open and jerked them down roughly, freeing his cock and wrapping his hand around it.

Mulder cried out and stilled for a minute, then gritted his teeth and reached down, pulling Alex's hand off him, needing to concentrate on his goal.  He pulled Alex's sweats the rest of the way off and yanked his T-shirt up over his head, hearing it rip in the process.  He knelt up between Alex's legs, tearing his own shirt off and throwing it across the room.

"Fuck, condom," Mulder growled, scrambling to his feet quickly and shoving his jeans down and off as he stumbled over to the counter and grabbed his wallet.  He pulled out the condom he always carried in there, immeasurably grateful that he'd replaced it after fucking the vampire chick in California.  He ripped it open and rolled it down over his cock as he stalked back over to where Alex stay lay on the floor.

"Get on the bed," he growled, rubbing his hands on his thighs to keep from grabbing Alex and just throwing him down.  Alex scrambled up and laid himself out on Mulder's bed, facedown.  "No, turn over," said Mulder, reaching to help him flip.  "I want to see your face."

Alex turned over, breathing hard and letting out little, throaty sounds as he looked up at Mulder.

God, he was fucking beautiful.

Mulder climbed onto the bed between those long, lean legs and lifted Alex's knees, working his way underneath until they were draped over his shoulders.  He'd rented enough gay porn to know how to do this, although he'd never done it before.  He didn't have any lube, but the condom was, thank God, heavily lubricated already.  He reached down with shaking fingers to open Alex up for him.

"Just do it, Mulder," Alex gasped.  "Just fucking do it, fuck me, Mulder, just shove it in and make it hurt, God, Mulder, make it real, make me feel it..."

Mulder groaned and grabbed himself around the base, shifting his hips to get lined up.  Because that was exactly what he wanted to do.  He wanted to take Alex long and hard.  Wanted to make him feel Mulder like he'd never felt anyone else.  Wanted to breech him like a virgin.  Wanted to mark him forever as if that would somehow keep that smoking fucker from ever getting his hands on him again.

"You're fucking MINE!" Mulder yelled, shoving himself all the way in.

Alex cried out loudly, and Mulder lowered himself, swallowing every sound, apologizing with his lips and tongue for the painful entry.  Still kissing him, he began to move inside him, slow but deep, pulling as far out as he could without breaking the kiss, then shoving back in with a groan.

Alex moaned and cried into his mouth, using his hands to hold himself up and open for Mulder, allowing Mulder to fuck him harder, deeper, faster.

"Fucking love you, Alex," he ground out against his mouth, kissing him again before he could answer.

Alex whined into his mouth and Mulder felt his body clamp down, wet heat spurting between their bodies where his belly was mashed down on Alex's pulsing cock.  Alex continued to whine and sob, and Mulder continued to kiss him, groaning as Alex's ass squeezed his cock.  Then he felt his own body buzz with a high energy, the arousal taking over every cell of his body, and he gasped and tore his mouth away from Alex's, afraid he might bite his tongue off if he didn't stop kissing him.

"Ahhhhfuck!  Alex!" He yelled, his hips snapping as he drove his climax deep into the hot, tight body under him.  He continued fucking him, sobbing as his cock pulsed, shooting what felt like his very spirit deeply into Alex's body.  "OhhhhhhhGod," he groaned, as Alex's legs slid down the outside of his arms and he fell on top of him, still buried inside.

Vaguely, he felt Alex shifting underneath him, making his legs more comfortable, but Mulder could do nothing but groan and breathe into his neck, feeling little aftershocks shiver through his body even now.  He felt Alex's arms come up around him, the body beneath him letting out a long, deep, shuddering breath.  He slid his hands underneath Alex's body, nuzzling his face in deeper, inhaling Alex's sweat and musk with a snuffling sigh.  He shivered as he felt Alex stroke through his hair, murmuring something.  Mulder tried to tune in enough to make it out but couldn't quite, then fell into a dark void of absolutely contented oblivion.

This time Mulder was the one to wake up with a complaining bladder.  He slurped his way off Alex's neck, licking up the drool he'd left there.  Alex jolted a little and moaned, coming awake.  Mulder realized he'd slid out of Alex sometime ago, thankfully with the condom still on, though it was quickly drying on and pulled a few pubic hairs as he disengaged from Alex's body and got to his feet.

"Ow," he hissed, reaching down and peeling it away from his cock.  He got it off after sacrificing a few more hairs, then tied it off and plodded into the bathroom.  He took a good, long piss and then went over to the sink to clean himself up.  He caught a look at his reflection and smiled.  His eyes were dark and heavy-lidded, his hair a complete mess, his skin glowing with a nice, rosy flush.  His lips were kiss-swollen and even bleeding just a little.  He couldn't remember ever feeling this good.  He finished cleaning himself up and walked out of the bathroom, combing his hand through his hair, attempting to tame it a little.

Alex was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking more rumpled than Mulder, shifting a little on his tender ass.  Mulder broke into a grin as he looked up, and Alex's whole face lit up with the resulting smile.

"You're beautiful," Mulder said softly.

Alex's lips parted on a gasp and he ducked his head in that way that made Mulder just want to...so he did.  He walked over and slid his hand into Alex's messy hair, tugging it gently to bring his head up for a kiss.  He bent and pressed his lips to Alex's, sighing.  He pulled away and let go, trailing his hand down over Alex's shoulder.

"I'll let you pee before I ravish you again," Mulder said, smirking.  "Maybe even let you eat something."

Alex just smiled up at him, blinking.  Mulder stepped back and then turned, grabbing up the room service menu.

Alex slowly, shakily got to his feet and then carefully made his way to the bathroom.  Mulder felt guilty for a minute, remembering Alex's weakened state, then decided Alex really wasn't complaining and he'd just have to make sure he took extra good care of him to get him strong.  With that in mind, he ordered cheeseburgers and onion rings for both of them, along with a veggie plate to make sure Alex got all his nutrients.  He hung up the phone just as Alex came out of the bathroom, looking slightly less debauched and slightly more comfortable.

"Get back in bed," said Mulder gruffly.  "Lunch is on its way.  Did you take your vitamin?"

Alex grinned and climbed back onto Mulder's bed, crossing his ankles and putting one hand behind his head.  He looked like a damned centerfold.  "Yes, sir," he said, lowering his head and peering up through his lashes.

Mulder narrowed his eyes and grinned, feeling decadent and very, very lucky to have such a pretty, young lover.  "Good.  I'd hate to have to punish you."

Alex's brows arched once at that, the smile never flagging.

Mulder turned, still grinning, and picked up the sweats he had let Alex wear, sliding into them.  When he looked up, Alex was pouting, a little frown crinkle between his brows.

"I don't want to be naked when the room service gets here," he said.  "And you're going to need to pull that sheet over that hot little body of yours or you might give him an aneurism."

"Will you take them off again when he leaves?" Alex asked, licking his lips.  "Please?  I love looking at your cock.  And your ass."

"My ass, huh?" Mulder said, feeling himself flush slightly at such blatant praise.  Then he couldn't help but ask, "Better than Chris's?"  He turned and presented it, arching his brows over his shoulder at Alex.

Alex grinned hugely, showing teeth, then dropped his eyes to Mulder's ass, tilting his head and stroking his tongue back and forth over his lower lip slowly.  "Much better," he concluded, nodding as he continued to study it.  "Plus it's attached to Fox Mulder," he added, bringing his eyes back up to Mulder's with a smile.  "That makes it unsurpassed."

Mulder sighed and turned back to face Alex, too overwhelmed to feel playful anymore.  For a minute his heart clenched, afraid that this was too good to be true, that Alex couldn't possibly really love him *that* much.  He did his best to swallow back the fear, trying to smile back.

Alex's smile faltered.  "What's the matter?"

Mulder sighed, licking his lips, biting and worrying at the bottom one.  "Just...seems a little too good to be true," he finally said quietly.

Alex arched his brows.  "Imagine how *I* feel," he said, lowering his arm and shifting up a little higher in the bed.  "Two days ago this time I was basically a breathing dead man, buried alive eight stories underground.  Today I'm lying in bed, clean and fed and full of vitamins, feeling the effects of a wonderfuck given to me by a man I loved before I even met him."

Mulder's breath caught again.

"If you're doubting my sincerity, Mulder, then I'll just keep saying it until you believe me," Alex said calmly.  "I love you.  I've always loved you.  I never, ever thought I'd get a chance to show you, but now that I have, you'll never be rid of me."  He grinned.

"You're so young," Mulder said, his voice low and still-worried.  "And never's a long time..."

"Mulder," Alex said, lowering his chin.  "I've been fucking men for six years now.  I've been around.  I know I'm young but I'm not a kid.  This is the age most people get married, you know," he said, arching his brows.  "I know what I want."  He grinned again.  "And you're it, old man."

Mulder laughed, feeling himself reel a little.  "You asking me to marry you, Alex?" he joked, scaring the shit out of himself and wishing he could take back the words as soon as they were out of his mouth.

Alex's grin slipped a little.  Then he raised his chin and the confidence sparkled from his eyes.  "You already said I was yours.  I didn't think I'd have to ask."

Mulder's breath left him, but he tried to hide it as he studied Alex's face.  There was no doubt or hesitation there, no immaturity or playfulness.  This was the sharp little mover and shaker Mulder had come to know and...well, hate, actually.  Only he was using that same smoothness to assert his committment to Mulder.  Mulder sighed and had no idea what to say to that.  He had no idea what to do, either, so he finally turned and began picking up the breakfast dishes, loading them onto the cart.

"I'd help with that," Alex said.  "But I've been ordered to go to bed."

Mulder looked up and smirked.  "I don't want you leaving that bed except to use the toilet or shower.  Or brush your teeth," he added.  "And maybe shave."

"Ever?" Alex asked, arching his brows but not appearing overly bothered by the possibility.

"Well, for the next couple of days, anyway," said Mulder.  "After that, we'll have to figure out what comes next."

Alex nodded, looking more serious.

"I do have a bedroom, you know," Mulder said, carefully not looking at Alex as he threw used tea bags and honey packets in the trash.  "It's just full of junk right now."  He straighted up and found Alex staring at him, all playfulness gone.  "Just need someone with a strong, *young* back to help me clean all that stuff outta there.  I've even got a bed."

"Are...are you saying..." Alex husked, unable to finish, firming his lips with a worried frown.

"You're coming home with me, Alex," Mulder said.  "It's the only way I can keep an eye on you."

"I'm not gonna hurt you again, Mulder," said Alex, his frown deepening.

"I know that," Mulder said softly.  "And I want to make sure they don't hurt *you*."

"Oh," said Alex softly.

Mulder realized he was being very arrogant, assuming that Alex would want to move in with him.  Even after what Alex had said about belonging to him, it was a lot to assume.

"Where *do* you live, Alex?" he asked, frowning.

Alex let out his breath and looked down at his lap, reaching to pull the covers up.  "I've been living on the lam, Mulder," he said.  "Spender tried to kill me a few months ago and I've been running ever since."

Of course.  Selling secrets off the digital tape to stay alive.  How could Mulder forget who he was holed up here with, making plans for domestic bliss?

"Why did he try to kill you?" Mulder asked, afraid to hear the answer.

"Because I didn't kill Scully," Alex answered, looking up.  "Because Cardinale shot first and killed the wrong person."

Mulder swallowed, reminding himself that Alex had been made a tool, a pawn for the real source of evil.  He tamped down the inevitable pain.

Alex dropped his gaze back to his lap.  "Then, to take the heat off himself, he told Spender about how I'd tried to convince him not to kill Scully, to get the tape without harming her," Alex went on, his voice low.  "He told Spender what I'd said about him being wrong to order Scully's death, that that would only bring you down on his head like the wrath of God, not to mention Skinner."  Alex played with the sheet in his lap.  "I was seen as a traitor, so he tried to blow me up with a car bomb."

Seeing the image of Alex in Spender's office campaigning for Scully's return, Mulder could believe it.  And Spender obviously could, too, knowing what he knew about Alex.

"But I showed that nicotine-stained old fuck," Alex purred, raising his face and pinning Mulder with a malicious grin.  "I got away holding his precious tape."  Then his grin faded.

He'd lost the tape.  Someone else had gotten to it.  His insurance was gone.

"Wait," Mulder said.  "You told me you weren't able to decrypt the tape, but that's bullshit, isn't it?"

"I never said I wasn't able to decrypt it," Alex said, looking down at his lap again.  "You accused me of selling secrets off the tape, and I asked you how I could do that when the tape was encrypted."  Alex sighed.  "I never actually lied to you, Mulder."

"All right," Mulder conceded, his eidetic memory concurring that Alex had, indeed, managed to avoid lying to Mulder while still evading him.  "But my point is, you did break the code, didn't you?  You were selling secrets."

"Yes, I broke it.  That was, after all, my specialty," he said, letting a tiny smile play around the corners of his lips.  But he suddenly looked much more tired to Mulder.  "Geri was selling them for me.  She had all the money.  I had nothing."

"And when Geri got murdered, that pretty much destroyed any chance you had of getting your money," said Mulder, putting pieces together.  And then he flashed back to how Alex had shoved Geri out into the hall, locking Mulder on the inside of the door.  Throwing his meal ticket to the wolves and saving Mulder.  He swallowed.

"Yeah," Alex said simply.

"But that's not what I was getting at," said Mulder, getting excited again.  "You *know* his secrets.  You know things about him that we can use to bring him down.  Don't you?" he asked hopefully.

"I know things," said Alex slowly.  "But I don't have any evidence, anymore.  I have no proof of anything."

Mulder sighed.  "I know how that feels," he said.  "Did you make any copies at all?"

Alex frowned, the light coming back into his eyes a little.  "No, but Geri might have."  He sat up a little more.  "In fact, I'm sure she did.  She would have needed all kinds of documents to show potential buyers.  I'll bet she's got copies somewhere."

"The contents of her office were seized as evidence," said Mulder, frowning.  "And my report made very clear connections between you and her, albeit unsubstantiated since you disappeared."

"And Spender probably made anything good disappear before anyone ever got a look at it," Alex said,  "But she had other files, other caches of documents."

Mulder saw the smile creep over Krycek's face.  "And you know where those are, don't you?"

"Well, we were partners, after all," said Alex, with a smug grin.  "Not that she *knew* I knew..."

Mulder sighed, frowning a little, but grateful for Alex's sneaky duplicity in this instance.  "Uh huh," he said.  "She didn't know who she was dealing with, did she?"

Alex's grin faded.  "Like I said.  I've never had anyone to be loyal to."  He took a breath.  "Until now."

Mulder nodded slowly.  "You better not ever go behind my back, Alex," he said.

"You can kill me if I do," Alex said soberly.  "I hope you do.  I never, ever want to be the one to hurt you again, Mulder.  I'd rather go back into the silo."

"So," Mulder said, choosing not to comment on Alex's continued pledges of fealty.  "All we have to do is go find these secret document stashes and maybe we'll have the proof we need to link Spender to enough dirty deeds to put him away?"

"We just might," Alex said.  "If the public were to find out some of what these men are doing, there would be no hole deep enough for them to crawl into."

"Well, guess we've got our New Year's plans settled then, huh?" Mulder said, smiling.

Alex smiled back, nodding.  "I'll drink to that."

---

END